WWYD/Feeling Guilty

Moiramab

TL;DR - I've chosen not to spend the night before my BFF's wedding at her apartment despite telling her I would previously. I haven't told her yet and I'm feeling pretty guilty even though I know it's the best option and need some help in treading carefully

 

The Background - My best friend from high school is getting married in two weeks out of state from where we grew up and where I still live. It's a very small, mostly family backyard wedding which is 100% her. Because it's so small I'm her only friend from home that's invited and can make it and I'll also be her only attendant.

Originally I was going to fly in the Friday before and spend the day hanging out and doing pre-wedding prep (maybe mani/pedi type stuff) and then spend the night at her apartment and help her get ready in the morning for the 11am ceremony. Last week while we were talking she apologizes and says she won't have the couch free because her parents have decided to spend the night with them Friday as well but she's working really hard to find a blow up mattress or she and her FI will buy one since they wanted one for camping anyway.

She really really wants me to spend the night because we haven't seen each other in years and I was looking forward to having extra time with her as well, but this situation makes me want to run for the hills. Just off the bat, that's five adults in a one bedroom apartment, one bathroom, three women one of which is the bride, trying to get ready for a morning ceremony. (And blow up mattresses are uncomfortable). More personally, I hate her family, especially her mother. I've even tried thinking about it in hindsight, that I was just an anti-parental teenager (I wasn't), but I still hate her and what my friend had to put up with. BFF moved across the country to be with her now-FI and I was so happy for her to get away from her family and join his.

I'm sure I could tolerate the wedding and the Friday pre-wedding things, but overnight (or even Saturday after the wedding, which was offered as well) would put me over the edge. I've already booked the extra night at the hotel I'm using Saturday, and a rental car as well for added independence, but I haven't told my friend yet. I'm dragging my feet because I don't want to let her down right before her wedding, and it really shouldn't be a big deal, but part of me wants to not tell her and then just be like "K Goodnight, see you tomorrow!" after hanging out. Would you care if you were in her shoes? How can I tread lightly and not become a "terrible bridesmaid!!" story on here? Am I over thinking this?

Jen4948

I think you are overthinking this a bit.

I'd just tell your friend, "Please forgive me, but I've decided to stay at the hotel instead of coming to your apartment the night before the wedding.  I know that it means we'll have less time together, but I'm not comfortable with the idea of sleeping on an air mattress on the floor in a crowded apartment with only one bathroom."

MairePoppy

Your friend might be relieved that you're spending the night in a hotel. She probably wasn't expecting to put her parents up overnight. If it's in your budget, take her for mani-pedis. It will give her a break from her mother and she'll get to spend some time with you.

Lauderdale Pink

When you say "them" I am going to guess you mean her FI too.  Why not invite her to spend the night with you in your hotel?  Brides often do not spend the night before the wedding with FI anyway, so that would give you both the "girl time" together, especially if you present it as having an extra bathroom and prep room.  If you are feeling calm and overly generous, you could even invite her mom to join you the next morning for prep time.

southernbelle0915

I'd tell her, but approach it more in a "firming up plans" kind of way versus a "sorry I'm letting you down" kind of way. KWIM?

Just tell her you'd love to hang out on Friday and you'll be sleeping at the hotel. Let her know that when stuff starts winding down, you'll just duck out and go back to your hotel room. Ask her what time she wants to start getting ready in the morning. Maybe offer to pick up breakfast so no one has to worry about it. I can't imagine a reasonable person having a problem with that. 

I also liked @lauderdalepink's suggestion of offering for her to stay with you in your hotel room (if you're up for it, of course). She might welcome that suggestion. If not, she can just as easily decline.

Moiramab

I love the idea of inviting her over to the hotel instead and am seriously kicking myself for not thinking of it before >.<

And yeah, probably/definitely over thinking, and being a little self centered thinking that me bailing for the night is at all going to ruin her wedding. I'm sure if I say it matter-of-factly (and this is definitely a pragmatic solution) it shouldn't get too much push back.

Thanks!

schellzinator

I also love the idea of inviting her to the hotel! The night before my wedding - one of my maids stayed in my room with me and it was fantastic - it was like a good ol' fashioned sleepover.

schellzinator

The only one that might not like the idea is FI....since they are the bride's parents in the house with him

Moiramab

@schellzinator That's exactly what we were hoping for originally! And you're right, don't think FI would like that at all, but he does have lots of family that live in the are so maybe he'll figure out something for himself :P

bahamabride2015

I would see if there is a hotel where you and she can have a girl's night together before the wedding.  A lot of people spend the night apart before the wedding and get ready separately just to make it a bit special.  Maybe she'll like that idea?  If not, she can always hang out with you there and go home to sleep.

Bubblegum5586

Lauderdale Pink said:

When you say "them" I am going to guess you mean her FI too.  Why not invite her to spend the night with you in your hotel?  Brides often do not spend the night before the wedding with FI anyway, so that would give you both the "girl time" together, especially if you present it as having an extra bathroom and prep room.  If you are feeling calm and overly generous, you could even invite her mom to join you the next morning for prep time.

Well it looks like everyone is on board with this, but it is the first thing that popped in my head. I think it sounds like a win/win/win. If she declines then that is on her, but she can't really expect you to be ok with sleeping on an air mattress sharing the apartment with 4 others including her parents. I love my friends but I wouldn't do that for any of them (and I like their parents)!

larrygaga

MairePoppy said:

Your friend might be relieved that you're spending the night in a hotel. She probably wasn't expecting to put her parents up overnight. If it's in your budget, take her for mani-pedis. It will give her a break from her mother and she'll get to spend some time with you.

This is what I was thinking. That many women in one bathroom would kill me the morning of my wedding. If I was in that situation, I would offer my hotel room for her to get ready in with me!

weddingcactus

My best friend got married a few years ago and was living in a small one bedroom / one bathroom apartment with her fiance. She initially asked me to stay with them (sleep on couch or air mattress or something). When I realized that potentially her mom and maybe a cousin might be staying with them as well, I immediately hit the web and found a hotel close by (walking distance actually) and booked it. I was initially worried I might hurt her feelings, but similarly five adults and one bathroom sounded like a miserable disaster to me. Somehow her mom and cousin got excited about the hotel and shortly thereafter they booked rooms too! It ended up working out perfectly. My friend was not hurt in the least and we stayed at her apartment until relatively late the night before (just hanging out, etc) and then I showered at the hotel in the morning and came over ready to go a little bit later in the morning. She never said so, but I would imagine she was relieved to not have her home crowded with people fighting for the bathroom the night before her wedding.