Ok, so I have this situation...

mrstrevor3

My mom lives about 2 hours away from me, and I had invited her to go dress shopping  with me, my sister (MOH), step- mom, and step sister. She first asked who was going and this is where it get a little messy....

Back story : My mom and dad got divorced when I was 3 and didn't see her again until I was 15. Needless to say, the relationship with our mother has been rocky. The divorce was bad. My dad had to track us down after she kidnapped us and ran away with another dude.My sister is 4 years older than me so she remembers more than I do.

My mom moved up to Michigan to live with my sister and start over again after her 2nd divorce. It didn't end up so well, if fact the last things they said to each other was to go to hell and die basically.

Here's the problem: My mom said she would come, she just didn't want to feel blind sided and surprised by my sister being there. Well she will be there, because she is my sister and MOH. She said okay, that she will still come. So after that I tell her that we will most likely go out for lunch after the appt. and she says that she can't afford it, and that she cant even really afford to come. I tell her that if it is not in her budget to come, that I will understand. I said I did want her there, but I understand if she can't make it. (this was over a fb message) Then I just get back a "wow".

I think I offended her, somehow. Also, she missed my baby shower a year and a half ago because she didn't want to be in the same room as my sister. Throughout my relationship with my mom, she has been nothing but selfish and if you don't agree with her on anything, she is kind of horrible. She is my mom and I always dreamed about having a relationship with her that was good. What did she expect me to say after that? I don't know, this is more of a vent...thanks for reading and any advice you may have


Edited because I typed too fast, too may typos...

esstee33

mrstrevor3 said:

My mom lives about 2 hours away from me, and I had invited her to go dress shopping  with me, my sister (MOH), step- mom, and step sister. She first asked who was going and this is where it get a little messy....

Back story : My mom and da got divorced when I was 3 and didn't see her again until I was 15. Needless to say, the relationship with our mother has been rocky. The divorce was bad. My dad had to track us down after she kidnapped us and ran away with another dude.My sister is 4 years older than me so she remembers more than I do.

My mom moved up to Michigan to live with my sister and start over again after her 2nd divorce. I didn't end up so well, if fact the last things they said to eachother was to go to hell and die basically.

Here's the problem: My mom said she would come, she just didn't want to feel blind sided and surprised by my sister being there. Well she will be there, because she is my sister and MOH. She said okay, that she will still come. So after that I tell her that we will most likely go out for lunch after the appt. and she says that she can't afford it, and that she cant even really afford to come. I tell her that if it is not in her budget to come, that i will understand. I said I didn want her there, but I understand if she can't make it. (this was over a fb message) Then I just get back a "wow".

I think I offended her, somehow. Also, she missed my baby shower a year and a half ago because she didn't want to be in the same room as my sister. Throughout my relationship with my mom, she has been nothing but selfish and if you don't agree with her on anything, she is kind of horrible. She is my mom and I always dreamed about having a relationship with her that was good. What did she expect me to say after that? I don't know, this is more of a vent...thanks for reading and any advice you may have

Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you have to tolerate her acting like a petulant child when things don't go her way. Tell her straight-up, "Listen, this is what we're doing. I'd love for you to join us, but if you can't, I understand," and then leave it at that. If she wants to have a temper tantrum about it, let her. But you don't have to acknowledge it.

theartistformerlyknownas

She expected you to say "of course I'm paying your way, Mommy dearest!" Fuck that noise. You did nothing wrong.

manateehugger

Honestly, your mother sounds like she's good at being manipulative; she's succeeding in this case by stressing you out over something that's 100% NOT your responsibility. Don't let her. 

I wouldn't even engage her comment. 

mrstrevor3

lolo883 said:

She expected you to say "of course I'm paying your way, Mommy dearest!" Fuck that noise. You did nothing wrong.

That's what I thought too. Yes I can afford her meal, but I feel like this whole thing (her youngest daughter getting a wedding dress) is just a big inconvenience to her. Like I said she does live about 2 hours away ( in Jackson), but I don't get why I got a "wow". I thought I sounded really understanding, when a lot of other people would be upset that their mom won't be there for dress shopping...:shrugs shoulders:

theartistformerlyknownas

mrstrevor3 said:

lolo883 said:

She expected you to say "of course I'm paying your way, Mommy dearest!" Fuck that noise. You did nothing wrong.

That's what I thought too. Yes I can afford her meal, but I feel like this whole thing (her youngest daughter getting a wedding dress) is just a big inconvenience to her. Like I said she does live about 2 hours away ( in Jackson), but I don't get why I got a "wow". I thought I sounded really understanding, when a lot of other people would be upset that their mom won't be there for dress shopping...:shrugs shoulders:


Yeah just ignore it.

manateehugger

mrstrevor3 said:

lolo883 said:

She expected you to say "of course I'm paying your way, Mommy dearest!" Fuck that noise. You did nothing wrong.

That's what I thought too. Yes I can afford her meal, but I feel like this whole thing (her youngest daughter getting a wedding dress) is just a big inconvenience to her. Like I said she does live about 2 hours away ( in Jackson), but I don't get why I got a "wow". I thought I sounded really understanding, when a lot of other people would be upset that their mom won't be there for dress shopping...:shrugs shoulders:

She's doing this because she's trying to manipulate you, I think. Which sucks. She's not what a mom should be. 

Brief personal advice: My dad is not what a dad should be. Once I started expecting less from him and refusing to engage him when he tries to manipulate me into feeling bad or guilty, or holding something over my head, I was much more at peace with my relationship with him. It's hard and frustrating that he's not what I'll ever want him to be, but that's life. I can't change it by stressing out or crying about it. He doesn't want to change. All I can do is be happy in my own life and expectations. 

mrstrevor3

manateehugger said:

mrstrevor3 said:

lolo883 said:

She expected you to say "of course I'm paying your way, Mommy dearest!" Fuck that noise. You did nothing wrong.

That's what I thought too. Yes I can afford her meal, but I feel like this whole thing (her youngest daughter getting a wedding dress) is just a big inconvenience to her. Like I said she does live about 2 hours away ( in Jackson), but I don't get why I got a "wow". I thought I sounded really understanding, when a lot of other people would be upset that their mom won't be there for dress shopping...:shrugs shoulders:

She's doing this because she's trying to manipulate you, I think. Which sucks. She's not what a mom should be. 

Brief personal advice: My dad is not what a dad should be. Once I started expecting less from him and refusing to engage him when he tries to manipulate me into feeling bad or guilty, or holding something over my head, I was much more at peace with my relationship with him. It's hard and frustrating that he's not what I'll ever want him to be, but that's life. I can't change it by stressing out or crying about it. He doesn't want to change. All I can do is be happy in my own life and expectations. 

Yeah, I am for sure not crying about it, but I just wish that she would grow the f up! Seriously, it's just frustrating when you try to build a relationship, and it's one sided. Yeah, I'm pretty much over it thanks ladies

emcme22

lolo883 said:

She expected you to say "of course I'm paying your way, Mommy dearest!" Fuck that noise. You did nothing wrong.

This was my first thought too.  Glad your not letting it get to you though.  Sucks she's like that but at least you know, it'd be worse if you had really high expectations and she kept letting you down ya know?

mrstrevor3

emme022 said:

lolo883 said:

She expected you to say "of course I'm paying your way, Mommy dearest!" Fuck that noise. You did nothing wrong.

This was my first thought too.  Glad your not letting it get to you though.  Sucks she's like that but at least you know, it'd be worse if you had really high expectations and she kept letting you down ya know?

Yeah, I have been let down by her countless times, she even refused to drive me to the hospital when I was in labor because she didn't like to drive at night....seriously...no joke.

theartistformerlyknownas

I'll go dress shopping with you and make approving mom noises.

mrstrevor3

lolo883 said:

I'll go dress shopping with you and make approving mom noises.

SITB

 Honestly, my step mom is the one I have been calling and talking wedding stuff with. She sends me pics of wedding dresses (hideous! lol) and is really excited...then there is my bio mom....smh...but thanks for the offer

mrstrevor3

smichek said:

mrstrevor3 said:

lolo883 said:

She expected you to say "of course I'm paying your way, Mommy dearest!" Fuck that noise. You did nothing wrong.

That's what I thought too. Yes I can afford her meal, but I feel like this whole thing (her youngest daughter getting a wedding dress) is just a big inconvenience to her. Like I said she does live about 2 hours away ( in Jackson), but I don't get why I got a "wow". I thought I sounded really understanding, when a lot of other people would be upset that their mom won't be there for dress shopping...:shrugs shoulders:

I agree with lolo 100%. Ignore her BS.

Also, just out of curiosity, are you a Tennessee bride? I saw Jackson and just had to ask, even though there are several Jacksons in America.

SITB!!!

Actually, it's in Michigan. I know lolo is from Metro Detroit too, so she would know ( I would think) where Jackson is.

theartistformerlyknownas

mrstrevor3 said:

smichek said:

mrstrevor3 said:

lolo883 said:

She expected you to say "of course I'm paying your way, Mommy dearest!" Fuck that noise. You did nothing wrong.

That's what I thought too. Yes I can afford her meal, but I feel like this whole thing (her youngest daughter getting a wedding dress) is just a big inconvenience to her. Like I said she does live about 2 hours away ( in Jackson), but I don't get why I got a "wow". I thought I sounded really understanding, when a lot of other people would be upset that their mom won't be there for dress shopping...:shrugs shoulders:

I agree with lolo 100%. Ignore her BS.

Also, just out of curiosity, are you a Tennessee bride? I saw Jackson and just had to ask, even though there are several Jacksons in America.

SITB!!!

Actually, it's in Michigan. I know lolo is from Metro Detroit too, so she would know ( I would think) where Jackson is.





Yup, everybody knows where the pen is! (Sorry)

BrandNewJ

Agree writhe very one, just ignore. I also have a manipulative mom. I cut off communication with her for years after she skipped my college graduation because I didn't say hi to her fast enough. Stg. Because I didn't say hello to her quickly enough. Anyways, I kinda see her as more of a tattle tale now and just let the things she says, backwards comments she makes, or mega eye rolls as her way of trying to get attention. Once you stop letting her "win" things will get easier with her because she'll realize you're not a push over. That's what happened with us.

As for dresses, she put up a fight because she wanted to be the only one there. My hill to die on was making sure I had the support of my best friends sister and her mom who has become my mother figure. Now when we talk about dresses, she pouts hoping I'll change my mind. Good luck, mom problems suck.

jynxiie

Yeah sounds like she wanted you to pay her way...  That is really messed up.

emmaaa

Yep, PPs hit the nail on the head. It is sad that you can't have a great relationship with her, but it is not your responsibility to pay her way because she is acting like a bratty 4 year old. I think you handled it quite well.