Moms and Maids

Mums, step-mums and a former-step mum. How to make this work?

Both my parents and my fiance's parents are divorced, all of them are remarried (twice, in my fathers case), and none of them get on.

My parents had a really messy divorce when I was 6 that didn't really end until i was 8. My dad remarried when I was 11, and had another three kids, but they divorced five years ago, and my dad's now been seeing his new girlfriend for a year now. I'm not close to any of them (my dad, former-step-mum or my dad's girlfriend) but I do love my dad and my former step-mum, so I'd never think of not inviting them to the wedding (along with my dad's girlfriend, of course). My mum also remarried a lovely man five years ago, and I'm actually pretty close to him. My mums parents also helped raised me too. However, my dad really struggles to be civil to both my mum and former step-mum, he can't be civil at all to my grandpa and new step-dad, and his girlfriend avoids my mum and former step-mum at all costs.

My fiance's parents divorced when he was 9. His dad remarried a woman with couple of kids of her own when FI was 13, and she was really vile to my fiance and his brother when they younger, and his dad never really did anything to stop that, so they don't really get on, but FI hopes this will be a chance to reconnect with his dad. His mum (who is amazing) remarried at around the same time, but FI is really close to his mum and step-dad. FFIL and FMIL have only seen each other twice since they got divorced, and last time they were in the same room together, FFIL and his wife got into a fight with FMIL and her husband, and ended up leaving early.

So my question is, how do we make this work? We are paying for the wedding pretty much by ourselves (his mum & step-dad, and my mum's parents are giving us some money towards the wedding), and I've known since I was a teenager that if I got married, I wanted my mum to walk me down the aisle.
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Re: Mums, step-mums and a former-step mum. How to make this work?

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Both my parents and my fiance's parents are divorced, all of them are remarried (twice, in my fathers case), and none of them get on.

    My parents had a really messy divorce when I was 6 that didn't really end until i was 8. My dad remarried when I was 11, and had another three kids, but they divorced five years ago, and my dad's now been seeing his new girlfriend for a year now. I'm not close to any of them (my dad, former-step-mum or my dad's girlfriend) but I do love my dad and my former step-mum, so I'd never think of not inviting them to the wedding (along with my dad's girlfriend, of course). My mum also remarried a lovely man five years ago, and I'm actually pretty close to him. My mums parents also helped raised me too. However, my dad really struggles to be civil to both my mum and former step-mum, he can't be civil at all to my grandpa and new step-dad, and his girlfriend avoids my mum and former step-mum at all costs.

    My fiance's parents divorced when he was 9. His dad remarried a woman with couple of kids of her own when FI was 13, and she was really vile to my fiance and his brother when they younger, and his dad never really did anything to stop that, so they don't really get on, but FI hopes this will be a chance to reconnect with his dad. His mum (who is amazing) remarried at around the same time, but FI is really close to his mum and step-dad. FFIL and FMIL have only seen each other twice since they got divorced, and last time they were in the same room together, FFIL and his wife got into a fight with FMIL and her husband, and ended up leaving early.

    So my question is, how do we make this work? We are paying for the wedding pretty much by ourselves (his mum & step-dad, and my mum's parents are giving us some money towards the wedding), and I've known since I was a teenager that if I got married, I wanted my mum to walk me down the aisle.

    First, if you want your mom to walk you down the asile, that is who should walk you down.  And don't let anyone pressure you into anything else.  This is one decision where you get 100% of the say in it.

    Second, hopefully all of your parents will be able to behave themselves for one day.  For the ceremony, I would give your mom the first row with her H and your dad and GF the second row.  Your step mom can sit where ever (unless you want her to be seated with honor).  Same would go for your FI's parents.  Make sure your photographer knows the family situation so they can create a list of all necessary photos with the parents.

    Third, for the reception, allow each of your parents to host their own table at the reception. Place each table away from each other of those who dislike each other. For example, seat your mom's table to the right of your table and your dad's table to the left of yours. Then vice versa for FI's parents.


    With a little work from you before the wedding (knowing where you will seat all parents at ceremony & reception), it will help prevent any possible problems with the parents.
    weddingcactus
  • This is a good time for the parents to start learning how to behave in the same room together.  If you guys have kids, they're probably going to have to learn to deal with each other at birthday parties, Little League games, and dance recitals.  What are you going to do, have 4 different birthday parties for the kids?  Ridiculous.  Tell them they have to grow up or they can stay home.
    weddingcactus
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Well, you can invite everyone, choose the person you want to walk you down the aisle, and have security available to escort anyone out if necessary.

    But aside from that, hope that everyone will keep their mouths shut and realize that it's about you, not about their failed relationships and their egos and behave like mature adults for one day.  I realize that that's a lot to hope for, but that's about all you can do.  If any of them indicate that they won't, set and enforce boundaries: "Dad, it would mean a lot to me if you and Current Stepmom were there for me at my wedding, but if you can't recognize that it's about us and not about you and Mom and Ex-Stepmom and put your issues on the shelf for one day and celebrate with us, then I'm sorry you're making that choice, but it means that we need you not to come to the wedding because we need you not to bring your grievances and hostilities with you."
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