Moms and Maids

Difficult Future Mother In Law.

edited October 2014 in Moms and Maids
Ok so here is the scoop. "sorry for the long rant" My future mother in law can be very hard to deal to the point my own fiance and his family admit to it behind her back. In fact the first few times I met her I was terrified this woman is very intimidating. When I first met her all I could think of was Miss. Trunchbald from the movie Matilda. Anyways, she has had several of her children got married already and sees one of her youngest sons as the "leftovers I guess". She is planning this big family trip next May to Disney World including a lot of extended family this means like 30 people on the trip all for her and her husbands anniversary. She didn't ask anyone she just decided she is doing this! A lot of family members have said they can't afford to go "including us" because of finances. But she refuses to believe it! She is a control freak and likes everything to go her way, if doesn't she will make you miserable. For example when my fiances older brother couldn't invite distant cousins he never met to his wedding due to cost, she went and made her own invitations to send to them behind the bride and grooms back! Thats how the lady operates. Anyways to get to the point of our wedding, she was upset when my fiance and I wanted to plan our wedding in a year instead of giving her two years "which no one in his family has waited that long" she threw a fit because it wasn't enough time for her to save money when she has a big one week disney trip and she doesn't like two big events so close together so it doesn't fit into her schedule. We even went as far to make sure our date was later "late" summer to give her, her "much needed event break from disney" and the only thing we are asking her for is what she can afford! My family and myself and my fiance are taking over the bualk of it! She offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner so we are keeping it small and cheap "we even offered to cook ourselves" instead of a caterer or restaurant. But that still isn't good enough for her! She wants wants wants, but doesn't see the cost when others are trying to help . I could go on all day but it is getting to the point my fiance is hurt and I am have all I can do not to hold back tears when she brings up the fact we should have waited two years so it fit into her schedule, oh and we are middle 20's both college degrees and careers etc. It's not like we just met or something we have known each other for 5 years and been together as a couple for over 2 years so there is not issue there. Please how do we handle this and not feel so hurt? I need to clarify we never asked her for money she wanted to do some of things she did for the other kids and told us what they were, so we are trying to work with her but it is a loosing battle nothing is good enough.

Re: Difficult Future Mother In Law.

  • edited October 2014
    I never really formally asked her she just kind of said I am contributing to my fiance and said what she did for the others weddings and that is what she decided when she talked to him. I honestly was going to let her decide because I know she paid certain things at her other kids weddings such as the photographer, the bar and rehearsal dinner. My fiance told her he did not expect her to do all of that again if she couldn't. As she is a baker on the side and does wedding and special occasion cakes. So he said if thats all you can or want do is bake the cake that is ok with us we will manage as my family is very involved and he honestly felt bad asking her for much because of how she is and kind of knew she might be like this so he said maybe just do the rehearsal dinner and cake if thats all you can do and if you can't do both we will figure it out. Also, his brother just got married last July 2013 so she just got out of wedding planning. We are trying to make it as easy on her as possible and take all the responsibility if we have too as we didn't want to stress ourselves or her out and she is a "doer" so we thought she would most likely want to do something, so our whole plan was how to work with her if she wants do something and make it easy for her.
  • First... punctuation is your friend.  It's hard to read super long sentences.

    Second... don't ask her for money.  If she wants to pay for something, let it be a pleasant surprise, and don't count on any money until you find out a bill has been paid, or the money is in your bank account.  Plan on paying for it yourself.  If you don't accept any money from her at all, she will get zero say on your plans, so that would be my recommendation.  Plan the wedding you can afford.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I wouldn't let that woman contribute one penny to your wedding. I wouldn't let her make your wedding cake. I wouldn't let her do anything. You just finished telling us how crazy controlling she is to the point that she made up her own invites to send to some distant cousins for her older son's wedding. Why would you or your FI want to let her have any say whatsoever in your wedding? Because that is what happens when there is money or "favors" involved. She will have a say over everything. Do you want that? And you need to stop telling her what she can and cannot pay for. If she wanted to contribute she would have said something. But you certainly shouldn't be telling her what she should be paying for or what she can do for your wedding. Just leave her out of the planning completely. If you let her in I can see you back on here in a few months venting about your crazy controlling FMIL and asking how to get her to back off.

    OliveOilsMomlc07huskypuppy14
  • edited October 2014
    Thats the thing we asked for nothing and said she didn't have to do anything if she couldn't but she insist that she has to but it's still not good enough for her because everything cost money and it runs into her big event break time. Like us trying to find ways to cut the rehearsal dinner cost for her.Our ideas for cutting the cost is not the fancy way she wants it, she wants it the more expensive way and we told her she doesn't have to but won't hear of it, she insist but still complains everyday! We even said she doesn't have to do the cake either but insists then complains it's like loosing battle. 
  • edited October 2014
    Again we didn't ask her she insist she must but then complains. When my fiance approached her she stated what she did before I should have mentioned then decided from there. It's like a loosing battle. She said I did it for my other kids so I need to with yours. We said if that is so what would you like to do and she said the rehearsal dinner and cake is what she wanted to do! I feel bad leaving her completely out because she is my fiance's mother it is her sons wedding to, and I don't want a repeat of what happened with his brother of sending outside invitations out of spite because something didn't go her way. I know it may sound silly but I do need to be around this lady for the rest of my life and her daughter-in-law to this day still is hurt about it she has moved on but it still stings her a bit. She is honestly like walking around a bomb waiting to go off sometimes.
  • For the invitations... don't send her one.  She knows when the wedding is.  Don't let her near enough to one that she can make a copy of it.  If one of her other kids lives nearby and she visits, don't send one to them either.  And if they know their mother like you do, let them know that they're not getting a physical invitation until later because you're afraid that she'll take it to make copies of it.  Then, of course, you can give her an invitation for her scrapbook or whatever, but not until it's too late to make copies and send them out.  

    Let her make the cake if she wants to make the cake.  Have other desserts also in case it falls through.  Let her plan whatever she wants for the rehearsal dinner.  Give her the guest list, let her do whatever she wants.  If she wants to take your advice and have a backyard BBQ, excellent.  If she wants to host some super fancy thing, excellent.
    OliveOilsMom
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ok so here is the scoop. "sorry for the long rant" My future mother in law can be very hard to deal to the point my own fiance and his family admit to it behind her back. In fact the first few times I met her I was terrified this woman is very intimidating. When I first met her all I could think of was Miss. Trunchbald from the movie Matilda. Anyways, she has had several of her children got married already and sees one of her youngest sons as the "leftovers I guess". She is planning this big family trip next May to Disney World including a lot of extended family this means like 30 people on the trip all for her and her husbands anniversary. She didn't ask anyone she just decided she is doing this! A lot of family members have said they can't afford to go "including us" because of finances. But she refuses to believe it! She is a control freak and likes everything to go her way, if doesn't she will make you miserable. For example when my fiances older brother couldn't invite distant cousins he never met to his wedding due to cost, she went and made her own invitations to send to them behind the bride and grooms back! Thats how the lady operates. Anyways to get to the point of our wedding, she was upset when my fiance and I wanted to plan our wedding in a year instead of giving her two years "which no one in his family has waited that long" she threw a fit because it wasn't enough time for her to save money when she has a big one week disney trip and she doesn't like two big events so close together so it doesn't fit into her schedule. We even went as far to make sure our date was later "late" summer to give her, her "much needed event break from disney" and the only thing we are asking her for is what she can afford! My family and myself and my fiance are taking over the bualk of it! She offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner so we are keeping it small and cheap "we even offered to cook ourselves" instead of a caterer or restaurant. But that still isn't good enough for her! She wants wants wants, but doesn't see the cost when others are trying to help . I could go on all day but it is getting to the point my fiance is hurt and I am have all I can do not to hold back tears when she brings up the fact we should have waited two years so it fit into her schedule, oh and we are middle 20's both college degrees and careers etc. It's not like we just met or something we have known each other for 5 years and been together as a couple for over 2 years so there is not issue there. Please how do we handle this and not feel so hurt? I need to clarify we never asked her for money she wanted to do some of things she did for the other kids and told us what they were, so we are trying to work with her but it is a loosing battle nothing is good enough.

    I never really formally asked her she just kind of said I am contributing to my fiance and said what she did for the others weddings and that is what she decided when she talked to him. I honestly was going to let her decide because I know she paid certain things at her other kids weddings such as the photographer, the bar and rehearsal dinner. My fiance told her he did not expect her to do all of that again if she couldn't. As she is a baker on the side and does wedding and special occasion cakes. So he said if thats all you can or want do is bake the cake that is ok with us we will manage as my family is very involved and he honestly felt bad asking her for much because of how she is and kind of knew she might be like this so he said maybe just do the rehearsal dinner and cake if thats all you can do and if you can't do both we will figure it out. Also, his brother just got married last July 2013 so she just got out of wedding planning. We are trying to make it as easy on her as possible and take all the responsibility if we have too as we didn't want to stress ourselves or her out and she is a "doer" so we thought she would most likely want to do something, so our whole plan was how to work with her if she wants do something and make it easy for her.

    Thats the thing we asked for nothing and said she didn't have to do anything if she couldn't but she insist that she has to but it's still not good enough for her because everything cost money and it runs into her big event break time. Like us trying to find ways to cut the rehearsal dinner cost for her.Our ideas for cutting the cost is not the fancy way she wants it, she wants it the more expensive way and we told her she doesn't have to but won't hear of it, she insist but still complains everyday! We even said she doesn't have to do the cake either but insists then complains it's like loosing battle. 

    Again we didn't ask her she insist she must but then complains. When my fiance approached her she stated what she did before I should have mentioned then decided from there. It's like a loosing battle. She said I did it for my other kids so I need to with yours. We said if that is so what would you like to do and she said the rehearsal dinner and cake is what she wanted to do! I feel bad leaving her completely out because she is my fiance's mother it is her sons wedding to, and I don't want a repeat of what happened with his brother of sending outside invitations out of spite because something didn't go her way. I know it may sound silly but I do need to be around this lady for the rest of my life and her daughter-in-law to this day still is hurt about it she has moved on but it still stings her a bit. She is honestly like walking around a bomb waiting to go off sometimes.
    OP, it's very hard to read your posts. I know sometimes TK gets rid of paragraphs we type, but in case you didn't try to break it up, it's easier for people to read and you will get more responses if you type in paragraphs. Your use of quotations also confused me a lot. 

    Anyway, I agree with the PPs, just plan your wedding. Do not accept her money or her offers to host or to do favors like making the cake. Do not give her any more details than she needs to know.

    I am confused about her needing an event break. Does she need time to save money to travel to your wedding or does she need time to save to pay for things for your wedding? Make sure she doesn't have to pay anything FOR your wedding other than what she chooses to wear and transportation costs. If she needs to fly and stay in a hotel room and cannot afford it, perhaps you will consider covering those costs for her.

    It sounds like you are giving her control and power. Time to stop. You can do that politely. 
  • Take NOTHING from this woman EVER!!! Seriously, she is very unstable and I don't think you can count on her to come through, even if she promises.  Once you take from her, you give her decision making power.  She sounds like the type who will control the least little thing.  If you let her bake the cake, you might not get any say in it at all.  Just an ex.  my MIL paid for our band.  She considered herself and her then-husband to be ballroom dancers (nobody else thought that). She had the band play lots of songs that nobody else could dance to.  Fortunately, the band leader eventually caught on, but most of the evening was shot.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    adk19 said:
    First... punctuation is your friend.  It's hard to read super long sentences.

    Second... don't ask her for money.  If she wants to pay for something, let it be a pleasant surprise, and don't count on any money until you find out a bill has been paid, or the money is in your bank account.  Plan on paying for it yourself.  If you don't accept any money from her at all, she will get zero say on your plans, so that would be my recommendation.  Plan the wedding you can afford.
    Except quotation marks.  They are not your friend as you don't seem to know how to use them properly, OP.  Fewer quotation marks and more commas and periods would make your posts much easier to read.  I gave up halfway through.  (BTW, it's Miss Trunchbull, not Miss Trunchbald, just FYI.)



    [Deleted User]
  • Take NOTHING from this woman EVER!!! Seriously, she is very unstable and I don't think you can count on her to come through, even if she promises.  Once you take from her, you give her decision making power.  She sounds like the type who will control the least little thing.  If you let her bake the cake, you might not get any say in it at all.  Just an ex.  my MIL paid for our band.  She considered herself and her then-husband to be ballroom dancers (nobody else thought that). She had the band play lots of songs that nobody else could dance to.  Fortunately, the band leader eventually caught on, but most of the evening was shot.
    Omg thats crazy. Wow. I am so sorry that happened to you.
  • edited October 2014
    lc07 said:
    Ok so here is the scoop. "sorry for the long rant" My future mother in law can be very hard to deal to the point my own fiance and his family admit to it behind her back. In fact the first few times I met her I was terrified this woman is very intimidating. When I first met her all I could think of was Miss. Trunchbald from the movie Matilda. Anyways, she has had several of her children got married already and sees one of her youngest sons as the "leftovers I guess". She is planning this big family trip next May to Disney World including a lot of extended family this means like 30 people on the trip all for her and her husbands anniversary. She didn't ask anyone she just decided she is doing this! A lot of family members have said they can't afford to go "including us" because of finances. But she refuses to believe it! She is a control freak and likes everything to go her way, if doesn't she will make you miserable. For example when my fiances older brother couldn't invite distant cousins he never met to his wedding due to cost, she went and made her own invitations to send to them behind the bride and grooms back! Thats how the lady operates. Anyways to get to the point of our wedding, she was upset when my fiance and I wanted to plan our wedding in a year instead of giving her two years "which no one in his family has waited that long" she threw a fit because it wasn't enough time for her to save money when she has a big one week disney trip and she doesn't like two big events so close together so it doesn't fit into her schedule. We even went as far to make sure our date was later "late" summer to give her, her "much needed event break from disney" and the only thing we are asking her for is what she can afford! My family and myself and my fiance are taking over the bualk of it! She offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner so we are keeping it small and cheap "we even offered to cook ourselves" instead of a caterer or restaurant. But that still isn't good enough for her! She wants wants wants, but doesn't see the cost when others are trying to help . I could go on all day but it is getting to the point my fiance is hurt and I am have all I can do not to hold back tears when she brings up the fact we should have waited two years so it fit into her schedule, oh and we are middle 20's both college degrees and careers etc. It's not like we just met or something we have known each other for 5 years and been together as a couple for over 2 years so there is not issue there. Please how do we handle this and not feel so hurt? I need to clarify we never asked her for money she wanted to do some of things she did for the other kids and told us what they were, so we are trying to work with her but it is a loosing battle nothing is good enough.

    I never really formally asked her she just kind of said I am contributing to my fiance and said what she did for the others weddings and that is what she decided when she talked to him. I honestly was going to let her decide because I know she paid certain things at her other kids weddings such as the photographer, the bar and rehearsal dinner. My fiance told her he did not expect her to do all of that again if she couldn't. As she is a baker on the side and does wedding and special occasion cakes. So he said if thats all you can or want do is bake the cake that is ok with us we will manage as my family is very involved and he honestly felt bad asking her for much because of how she is and kind of knew she might be like this so he said maybe just do the rehearsal dinner and cake if thats all you can do and if you can't do both we will figure it out. Also, his brother just got married last July 2013 so she just got out of wedding planning. We are trying to make it as easy on her as possible and take all the responsibility if we have too as we didn't want to stress ourselves or her out and she is a "doer" so we thought she would most likely want to do something, so our whole plan was how to work with her if she wants do something and make it easy for her.

    Thats the thing we asked for nothing and said she didn't have to do anything if she couldn't but she insist that she has to but it's still not good enough for her because everything cost money and it runs into her big event break time. Like us trying to find ways to cut the rehearsal dinner cost for her.Our ideas for cutting the cost is not the fancy way she wants it, she wants it the more expensive way and we told her she doesn't have to but won't hear of it, she insist but still complains everyday! We even said she doesn't have to do the cake either but insists then complains it's like loosing battle. 

    Again we didn't ask her she insist she must but then complains. When my fiance approached her she stated what she did before I should have mentioned then decided from there. It's like a loosing battle. She said I did it for my other kids so I need to with yours. We said if that is so what would you like to do and she said the rehearsal dinner and cake is what she wanted to do! I feel bad leaving her completely out because she is my fiance's mother it is her sons wedding to, and I don't want a repeat of what happened with his brother of sending outside invitations out of spite because something didn't go her way. I know it may sound silly but I do need to be around this lady for the rest of my life and her daughter-in-law to this day still is hurt about it she has moved on but it still stings her a bit. She is honestly like walking around a bomb waiting to go off sometimes.
    OP, it's very hard to read your posts. I know sometimes TK gets rid of paragraphs we type, but in case you didn't try to break it up, it's easier for people to read and you will get more responses if you type in paragraphs. Your use of quotations also confused me a lot. 

    Anyway, I agree with the PPs, just plan your wedding. Do not accept her money or her offers to host or to do favors like making the cake. Do not give her any more details than she needs to know.

    I am confused about her needing an event break. Does she need time to save money to travel to your wedding or does she need time to save to pay for things for your wedding? Make sure she doesn't have to pay anything FOR your wedding other than what she chooses to wear and transportation costs. If she needs to fly and stay in a hotel room and cannot afford it, perhaps you will consider covering those costs for her.

    It sounds like you are giving her control and power. Time to stop. You can do that politely. 
    It actually confused me a lot with her event break thing aswell. She has a good career and her own business on the side. A lot of people go on a summer week vacation and still have big events to go to or contribute at times and my fiance and I have always tried to be patient and understanding we would never want to put someone in a financial hardship, which is why we sort of let her do a lot of the talking and deciding when she brought it up. I actually talked to one of my future sister in laws last night the one who had the invitation issues and she explained to me she is very controlling and she knows that not only with the trip to Disney she is also planning a trip to Michigan to rent a lake house later on in the year and she may have just thought of all these ideas "and she hated saying it" she is hating that it is all not going to work money wise so just wants to complain to keep her plans as awful as it sounds and I  hope that it not really the case.

       As far as the travel it is only a 3 hour drive for her to get to my hometown with the venue. My grandmother even offered if she needed to she can stay with her that weekend.  So I guess we are going to try to work through cutting her off from having control and input but being polite and kind as we can.
  • edited October 2014
    adk19 said:
    For the invitations... don't send her one.  She knows when the wedding is.  Don't let her near enough to one that she can make a copy of it.  If one of her other kids lives nearby and she visits, don't send one to them either.  And if they know their mother like you do, let them know that they're not getting a physical invitation until later because you're afraid that she'll take it to make copies of it.  Then, of course, you can give her an invitation for her scrapbook or whatever, but not until it's too late to make copies and send them out.  

    Let her make the cake if she wants to make the cake.  Have other desserts also in case it falls through.  Let her plan whatever she wants for the rehearsal dinner.  Give her the guest list, let her do whatever she wants.  If she wants to take your advice and have a backyard BBQ, excellent.  If she wants to host some super fancy thing, excellent.
      Yeah my fiance and I actually  set up our own color coded spread sheet system for the invitations and decided she is not going to see them and will have no real look at them until like the maybe a few days before he was so upset with what happened to his brother he didn't want to take any chances. 
      I like your dessert idea. I love cookies so I was thinking about actually getting big glass cookie jars and having fancy cookies made either by a bakery or myself and grandmother and have like a cookie bar.  My grandmother loved the idea and likes the idea of it being something we can do together. As for rehearsal dinner if she wants to do it I am just going to step back and let her do what she wants to save the headache.
      
    [Deleted User]
  • Thanks for advice everyone.:)
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited October 2014

    Don't give your FMIL the power she needs to make you miserable. Figure out your budget, without FMILs contribution, and plan accordingly. When she offers to contribute, thank her and tell her you have it covered.

    Keep your invitation under lock and key. Since she has a history of having invitations printed up for her use, your fi should tell his mother that there will be assigned seating and only those who are on you guest list will be allowed into the venue. Also, let all your vendors know that you and fi are the only ones authorized to make changes, purchase services etc...

    The best way to deal with a controlling MIL is to keep her at arms length, live your own life and don't seek her approval for any of your decisions.

                       
    pumpkincreamcake15OliveOilsMomLauderdale Pink
  • Nothing really to add that others haven't already said, but wanted to let you know I feel your pain on one count in particular- my FILs also have been incredibly difficult about money in the sense that when we tell them we don't need their help to pay for the wedding they get incredibly offended and upset, but when we ask them what they want to pay for/how much they would like to contribute they complain and won't give us a straight answer! Everyone tells you when someone is being difficult (be it in-laws or your own family) simply don't accept any money from them, but that can create its own set of problems! As I've said elsewhere, there's just no pleasing some people.
  • Nothing really to add that others haven't already said, but wanted to let you know I feel your pain on one count in particular- my FILs also have been incredibly difficult about money in the sense that when we tell them we don't need their help to pay for the wedding they get incredibly offended and upset, but when we ask them what they want to pay for/how much they would like to contribute they complain and won't give us a straight answer! Everyone tells you when someone is being difficult (be it in-laws or your own family) simply don't accept any money from them, but that can create its own set of problems! As I've said elsewhere, there's just no pleasing some people.
    Thank You Thank You Thank You, Girl you get it! Yay I guess all we can do is our best in these situations and try to get through it ! :) 
    themosthappy91
  • Thaaaat's not how quotation marks work, js. They don't add emphasis, they imply that you're directly quoting something someone else has said.
  • A woman like that just wants attention and she sounds terribly manipulative. I see lots of similarities between her and my FMIL...who talks sh*t about everyone else, wants only the best of everything, but is cheap as hell....except when its something SHE wants, but if anyone else wants it or she doesn't like it she will find everything negative to say about it. I would just limit my contact with her as MUCH as possible and let your fiance handle any kind of interaction with her.
    danamw
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