Guest list

agenevieve22016

I am having a wedding in fl and all my family and friends are in NY. I have a huge family and my FI luckily does not. We are trying to budget for 80 people but I have 8aunts and uncles on each side plus marriage so about 30 aunts and uncles alone. There are some I'm not very close with. So I have been trying to just think of the ones I actually keep in touch with. How do you invite one and not the other? This is so incredibly difficult to do. For instance I have a cousin with three brothers and I'm only close with him not his brothers and not his parents. This issue is making me crazy! Any ideas??

STARMOON44

You send invitations to the people you want to come, and not to the other people. Typically, people suggest inviting in circles- all aunts or no aunts- to avoid hurt feelings. Since that's a huge number of people for you I'd go the opposite route and be very selective. Invite the 2 aunts you see all the time and the other 6 will get over it. Just don't invite 7 out of 8.

southernbelle0915

agenevieve22016 said:

I am having a wedding in fl and all my family and friends are in NY. I have a huge family and my FI luckily does not. We are trying to budget for 80 people but I have 8aunts and uncles on each side plus marriage so about 30 aunts and uncles alone. There are some I'm not very close with. So I have been trying to just think of the ones I actually keep in touch with. How do you invite one and not the other? This is so incredibly difficult to do. For instance I have a cousin with three brothers and I'm only close with him not his brothers and not his parents. This issue is making me crazy! Any ideas??

You already posted about this and got some helpful responses, so it may be helpful to revisit. 

Anyway, many people invite in "circles". So what this means inviting everyone in one group (e.g. all aunts & uncles) and drawing the line at another group (e.g. no first cousins). This method is easy to explain to people and often seen as "fair" because you aren't picking and choosing people you're close with.

However, life isn't fair and you are not required to invite in circles. I invited some second cousins and didn't invite others. Oh well. Some I'm close with and some I'm not - that's life. 

agenevieve22016

Thank you for the advice it's very hard to do but if I invited them all I'd be over 100. I hate hurting feelings but that's life I guess. And if you're invited to someone's wedding it doesn't mean you have to invite them yours right?

Maggie0829

STARMOON44 said:

You send invitations to the people you want to come, and not to the other people. Typically, people suggest inviting in circles- all aunts or no aunts- to avoid hurt feelings. Since that's a huge number of people for you I'd go the opposite route and be very selective. Invite the 2 aunts you see all the time and the other 6 will get over it. Just don't invite 7 out of 8.

This. H has a ton of cousins because he has a big family. We only invited those that we speak to or see on a somewhat regular basis. Those that we don't like or don't talk to unless they are home for a holiday were left off the list. We didn't feel bad about it at all. It also helped that those we left off the list were also the same that left us off their wedding invite list so the whole "need to make cuts somewhere" was equal across the board.

jacques27

1.  People will get over it.  Might there be momentary hurt feelings?  Possibly.  But you can't live your life and plan your wedding over the potential of slighting people...provided you that you are following proper etiquette.  In other words, you are properly hosting those you are inviting, you're not inviting people to pre-wedding events that aren't invited to the wedding (thereby giving them the impression that they might be invited to the wedding), you aren't notifying these people to tell them they aren't invited, and you are gracious when they ask about it and providing a very general but nice answer ("I so appreciate your good thoughts about our wedding.  I'm so sorry that we weren't able to accommodate the whole family.")

2.  Invite who you want to be there.  My general rule of thumb...
a.  Have I seen these people on purpose within the last year?  If still room...
b.  Have I talked to these people on purpose within the last year?  If still room...
c.  Have I seen these people on purpose within the last two years?  If still room...
d.  Have I talked to these people on purpose within the last two years?
etc.

I'm close to two of my first cousins.  I am not at all close to four of my first cousins.  I haven't even seen or spoken to two other of my first cousins in at least eight years.  Meanwhile, I'm very close to two of my first cousins-once removed.  In this example, just because I would be inviting two of my first cousins and two of my first cousins-once removed, doesn't mean I have to invite all of my cousins.  People ought to understand - a wedding invitation isn't mandatory, even if you went to their wedding.  People have different relationships with each other and grown-ups should be able to recognize that and not take offense.

doeydo

agenevieve22016 said:

I am having a wedding in fl and all my family and friends are in NY. I have a huge family and my FI luckily does not. We are trying to budget for 80 people but I have 8aunts and uncles on each side plus marriage so about 30 aunts and uncles alone. There are some I'm not very close with. So I have been trying to just think of the ones I actually keep in touch with. How do you invite one and not the other? This is so incredibly difficult to do. For instance I have a cousin with three brothers and I'm only close with him not his brothers and not his parents. This issue is making me crazy! Any ideas??

Ditto PPs, but you do have to invite every guest's significant other, not just the married ones, BTW.

agenevieve22016

But you don't have to do plus ones... I'm trying to cut people I don't know out and also don't want random people taking place or family who could be there so unless they have been together for a Significant amount of time they don't get Plus one is that wrong?

southernbelle0915

agenevieve22016 said:

But you don't have to do plus ones... I'm trying to cut people I don't know out and also don't want random people taking place or family who could be there so unless they have been together for a Significant amount of time they don't get Plus one is that wrong?

A "plus one" refers to an invitation you extend to truly single guests. So if Aunt Milly is not married, does not have an SO or is not otherwise dating anyone, then you may or may not extend her a "plus one". You aren't obligated to extend a plus one, but you can if you want.

However, the SOs of people on your guest list are not "plus ones". They are mandatory invites. So if Aunt Milly has a boyfriend, he must be invited. He is not considered a "plus one" - he's Aunt Milly's SO. 

Further, you should not judge others' relationship. Sometimes brides make arbitrary rules like "no ring, no bring" or "only people who have been together 6 months or more" or "only people who live together". These judgmental rules are extremely offensive and should never be used to justify excluding SOs. 

You are asking people to travel to Florida to celebrate your relationship. At the very least, you should respect theirs.