The singles' table.... is this really a thing??

allispain

bostonbride2015 said:

JaxInBlue said:

bubblegum1309 said:

The only time I have seen this is at family weddings when there are a lot of cousins. It always seems to work out that there is a single table of cousins and a married table of cousins. But at least everyone knows each other!

I'm guilty of this.  I have a bunch of first cousins on my dad's side who were old enough to not need or want parental supervision, but also not in serious relationships.  They wound up sitting at one table because that's just want worked the easiest and it met the criteria we were using for all the other tables - do they know each other? do they like each other? will they be able to sit together for the 45 minutes dinner will take?

So it was a singles table, but it was also a cousins table.  We also had a table that could have been called the old person table (all of my great aunts and uncles).

I don't think this qualifies as a singles table if they all knew each other and were in the same "circle"--sounds totally appropriate to me.  We're definitely avoiding a singles table, but 2 of my cousin's girls are 18 and 19, and I'm tempted to put them with FI's 18-22 year old cousins.  Nobody else on my side of the family is close to their age range (they have 10 and 13 year old sisters, an 11 year old cousin, and everyone else there they know will be 30+), and I feel like they would have more fun sitting with people their own age than with their parents and little sister/cousin.  Is that a total faux pas?

If you're close to them, ask them what they would prefer. I did that with my own sister and DH's two sisters. I offered them the option of sitting with family (parents, aunts/uncles, and grandparents) or with other people their age (my sister with DH's sisters, some of the cousins, etc. - they would all know a couple people but not everyone at the table). My sister and DH's middle sister chose the "young people" table, whereas DH's youngest sister wanted to sit with his dad and stepmom. I went with what they preferred, since their comfort was what was important to me.

climbingsingle

I've never encountered this before! I sat people with others that they knew. Our tables were mixed with couples and singles. And I've (thankfully) never been seated at a singles table. 

Random side note: there was a sort of love connection between my single BIL and one of my single best friends. And they weren't seated at the same table! Imagine that :-P 

chrissy0905

I've been seated at the singles table before, and it can be hit or miss. Most of the time I get seated with other singles friends who I know well, and we have a great time.... no issues there!

The last wedding I attended was that of a work-friend. I'd met her family many times, but since they were all part of the wedding party, I fully expected to be seated with the only other colleague who had been invited (and her husband). Imagine my surprise when I looked at the seating chart and found out that I was seated at the other end of the venue, with other singles whom I'd never met. Not so much fun!

I suppose in hindsight, I shouldn't have been surprised since my BF (we weren't engaged yet) wasn't even invited to the wedding. (And yes, the bride knew my bf, since he also works at the same place as we do).

Knottie30291358

While formal etiquette also says to seat couples away from each other to make sure they actually talk to other people, singles are customarily seated near each other so they're not surrounded by all the couples and their couples talk (third wheel syndrome), with an additional factor being that singles are generally in the same stage of life, as little as the high schoolers and grad students like to think they have things in common.

steph861

abbyj700 said:

I love -the opposite is happening with us! Everyone is like "do you have any hot single friends coming to the wedding I don't know? Can you sit us at the same table?" 

And it's been both guys and girls. We're joking with one of FI's best friends that we're literally going to just plop him down at a table full of single good looking women and just him. :-) He would love it...and...NO! :-)

This is happening to me too!

hellosweetie1015

So I've mentioned this before, but I don't much care - it's certainly relevant and it was one of the first things I had that I said would NEVER happen at my wedding, ever.

The only wedding I've been to as an adult, I was seated not at a singles table, nor at a "leftovers" table. I was seated with people I knew. If I'd known who those people were, I would have bailed on the whole reception. 

Table included myself, my ex-bf H (who I was decidedly not over even though we'd broken up over a year prior and I should have been), his new ("prettier, thinner, smarter, all-around better") GF M, M's ex C, C's ex S, this dude I'd given my number to a couple months prior and never heard back from, and some random friend of the dude. It was the pinnacle of awkwardness. I couldn't even eat I was so uncomfortable. I managed to drink a glass of water.

ETA: F(*&%@$# QUOTE BOXES

Knottie30291358 said:

While formal etiquette also says to seat couples away from each other to make sure they actually talk to other people, singles are customarily seated near each other so they're not surrounded by all the couples and their couples talk (third wheel syndrome), with an additional factor being that singles are generally in the same stage of life, as little as the high schoolers and grad students like to think they have things in common.

END THE QUOTE BOX.

(SQUEALING BRAKES) WTF to the first bolded? Like, sit me AWAY from FI? Put him at a different table than me? NOPE. We'd both ditch your reception if you did that - neither of us like parties that much. Ain't nobody on this planet important enough to me to put up with that bull. If for some bizarro reason I was required to sit at table 5 and FI was at table 7 and could not leave, I'd sit there and not talk and just look super ragey. I'm very very very good at that.

And the second bolded - SEVERAL PPs said they'd been stuck at tables that had singles from all ages from 17 to retirees. Nope. Not good logic, padawan.

steph861

Serious question: where do you put people that don't know anybody at the wedding except the bride and/or groom? We have a few people like that. We're not seating them all at the same table, so there is no "leftovers" table, but I feel like it's a no-win situation. It's awkward to be seated with others who clearly didn't fit at any other table, but it's also awkward to be the odd person out at a table of people that know each other.

holyguacamole79

@steph861 said:

Serious question: where do you put people that don't know anybody at the wedding except the bride and/or groom? We have a few people like that. We're not seating them all at the same table, so there is no "leftovers" table, but I feel like it's a no-win situation. It's awkward to be seated with others who clearly didn't fit at any other table, but it's also awkward to be the odd person out at a table of people that know each other.

We had a few people like this. We sat them with people who had similar interests. From what I could tell, they got along fine.

steph861

sarahbear31 said:

@steph861 said:

Serious question: where do you put people that don't know anybody at the wedding except the bride and/or groom? We have a few people like that. We're not seating them all at the same table, so there is no "leftovers" table, but I feel like it's a no-win situation. It's awkward to be seated with others who clearly didn't fit at any other table, but it's also awkward to be the odd person out at a table of people that know each other.

We had a few people like this. We sat them with people who had similar interests. From what I could tell, they got along fine.


This is what I'm trying to do. I hope it works out!

Jen4948

hellosweetie1015 said:

So I've mentioned this before, but I don't much care - it's certainly relevant and it was one of the first things I had that I said would NEVER happen at my wedding, ever.

The only wedding I've been to as an adult, I was seated not at a singles table, nor at a "leftovers" table. I was seated with people I knew. If I'd known who those people were, I would have bailed on the whole reception. 

Table included myself, my ex-bf H (who I was decidedly not over even though we'd broken up over a year prior and I should have been), his new ("prettier, thinner, smarter, all-around better") GF M, M's ex C, C's ex S, this dude I'd given my number to a couple months prior and never heard back from, and some random friend of the dude. It was the pinnacle of awkwardness. I couldn't even eat I was so uncomfortable. I managed to drink a glass of water.

ETA: F(*&%@$# QUOTE BOXES

Knottie30291358 said:

While formal etiquette also says to seat couples away from each other to make sure they actually talk to other people, singles are customarily seated near each other so they're not surrounded by all the couples and their couples talk (third wheel syndrome), with an additional factor being that singles are generally in the same stage of life, as little as the high schoolers and grad students like to think they have things in common.

END THE QUOTE BOX.

(SQUEALING BRAKES) WTF to the first bolded? Like, sit me AWAY from FI? Put him at a different table than me? NOPE. We'd both ditch your reception if you did that - neither of us like parties that much. Ain't nobody on this planet important enough to me to put up with that bull. If for some bizarro reason I was required to sit at table 5 and FI was at table 7 and could not leave, I'd sit there and not talk and just look super ragey. I'm very very very good at that.

And the second bolded - SEVERAL PPs said they'd been stuck at tables that had singles from all ages from 17 to retirees. Nope. Not good logic, padawan.

You don't have to stick around, and we ourselves don't advise it, but this actually is what the fuck was done traditionally.  It wasn't considered "bizarro."

Now, of course, it isn't done except in very traditional circles, but it wasn't considered "bizarro" and getting "ragey" over it was considered a sign that the couple needed to grow up and get over themselves.

hellosweetie1015

Jen4948 said:

hellosweetie1015 said:

So I've mentioned this before, but I don't much care - it's certainly relevant and it was one of the first things I had that I said would NEVER happen at my wedding, ever.

The only wedding I've been to as an adult, I was seated not at a singles table, nor at a "leftovers" table. I was seated with people I knew. If I'd known who those people were, I would have bailed on the whole reception. 

Table included myself, my ex-bf H (who I was decidedly not over even though we'd broken up over a year prior and I should have been), his new ("prettier, thinner, smarter, all-around better") GF M, M's ex C, C's ex S, this dude I'd given my number to a couple months prior and never heard back from, and some random friend of the dude. It was the pinnacle of awkwardness. I couldn't even eat I was so uncomfortable. I managed to drink a glass of water.

ETA: F(*&%@$# QUOTE BOXES

Knottie30291358 said:

While formal etiquette also says to seat couples away from each other to make sure they actually talk to other people, singles are customarily seated near each other so they're not surrounded by all the couples and their couples talk (third wheel syndrome), with an additional factor being that singles are generally in the same stage of life, as little as the high schoolers and grad students like to think they have things in common.

END THE QUOTE BOX.

(SQUEALING BRAKES) WTF to the first bolded? Like, sit me AWAY from FI? Put him at a different table than me? NOPE. We'd both ditch your reception if you did that - neither of us like parties that much. Ain't nobody on this planet important enough to me to put up with that bull. If for some bizarro reason I was required to sit at table 5 and FI was at table 7 and could not leave, I'd sit there and not talk and just look super ragey. I'm very very very good at that.

And the second bolded - SEVERAL PPs said they'd been stuck at tables that had singles from all ages from 17 to retirees. Nope. Not good logic, padawan.

You don't have to stick around, and we ourselves don't advise it, but this actually is what the fuck was done traditionally.  It wasn't considered "bizarro."

Now, of course, it isn't done except in very traditional circles, but it wasn't considered "bizarro" and getting "ragey" over it was considered a sign that the couple needed to grow up and get over themselves.

Explain to me, please, how this "separating couples" meshes with "not separating couples." Since, you know, it's incredibly rude to invite me without FI entirely, but apparently it's not rude at all to sit me at one table and FI at another.'

ETA to the bolded: I meant that if "for some bizarro reason I could not leave" not "if for some bizarro reason this happened". I stand 100% by my ragey comment, because to me this is no better than inviting me without FI.

artbyallie

@hellosweetie1015, it really is the rule of etiquette for very formal dinner parties, the idea being that yes, married couples must be both invited, but they should also each be capable of carrying on stimulating conversation with other people.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/02/AR2010030203628.html

This is what Miss Manners has to say on the subject:

Dear Miss Manners:

Please explain the correct way to seat couples during dinner parties. I was recently at a family event where couples were asked to sit at separate tables. This announcement drew complaints and derision from some who were offended by being told what to do (and forced to deal with their in-laws without backup).

I think it is a wonderful idea and have since read that during formal state dinners at the White House, this tradition is maintained. Could you lend some guidance on how to entertain in the future with these same couples in mind?

It is not only at state dinners, but at any properly run dinner party that couples are seated apart from each other. This heads off the irresistible temptation to break into the telling of family stories with remarks like "No, dear, that was the second time we went there, not the first." When Miss Manners is told of couples protesting that they can't bear to sit apart even for the length of a meal, she does not take it as evidence of marital devotion. On the contrary, it sounds mighty like distrust. If they have no social interests or skills, they can always stay home.

But you are talking about a family gathering, where everybody has heard everybody's stories, and the tensions are probably just as well known. In that case, a full seating chart, which separates not only couples but potential combatants, would be helpful.

artbyallie

Of course, none of this is to say it must be done at a modern wedding, though I would kind of expect it if I were ever invited to a black or white tie event, wedding or no.

hellosweetie1015

@artbyallie thank you for an explanation. I'm not sure it makes sense - everything I've read on here is that etiquette is about guests' comfort and that would make FI and I uncomfortable enough to leave - but at least I know I'm highly unlikely to face that particular choice.

Viczaesar

Knottie30291358 said:

While formal etiquette also says to seat couples away from each other to make sure they actually talk to other people, singles are customarily seated near each other so they're not surrounded by all the couples and their couples talk (third wheel syndrome), with an additional factor being that singles are generally in the same stage of life, as little as the high schoolers and grad students like to think they have things in common.

WTF?  What exactly is it you think that grad students and high school students have in common other than the word "student"?

ETA: Seriously.  I'm 31 years old, writing my dissertation, teach college students, give research presentations to colleagues, and have a full adult life, apparently despite the fact that I'm single.  I serve in several leadership positions at my local Red Cross and meet and work with city leaders regularly in that capacity.  I'd love to hear what I have in common with 14-18 year old high school students.  What stage of life do you think I'm in exactly?

slothiegal

Knottie30291358 said:

While formal etiquette also says to seat couples away from each other to make sure they actually talk to other people, singles are customarily seated near each other so they're not surrounded by all the couples and their couples talk (third wheel syndrome), with an additional factor being that singles are generally in the same stage of life, as little as the high schoolers and grad students like to think they have things in common.

This is seriously one of the craziest assumptions I have ever heard.

QUICK EXAMPLE: My friend is 28 and single.  He can't hold down a job and wants nothing more than to find a good woman and get married.  The last time I saw him, we got dinner and he told me about a bad date he recently had.

My cousin is 28 and single.  He has a really great job at a university in Chicago and is a total party animal.  The last time I saw him, we were doing shots in a strip club in Vegas.

(Seriously what the fuck.....I can't even wrap my head around that statement.)