What's the least rude thing to do?

AlexaF2014

I had my bridal shower and for the most part it went well, except for this:

The host (my mom) knowingly invited someone to the shower who is not and will not be invited to the wedding. (Relevant thread: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1031428/am-i-doing-the-right-thing#latest ) I don't know if it was some sort of attempted power-play to get the person a b-list invite, or if she honestly thought she was doing the right thing, but it's not something I can control or undo after the fact. The invited-not-invited guest declined, but sent a card with a check. According to mom, the guest knows they are not invited to the wedding and declined to not cause drama, but I'm not sure if the guest actually said this or if this is just what my mom inferred.

What do I do? Do I accept the check and write a (very awkward) thank you card? Do I deposit the check and ignore I ever got it? Do I straight-up return the check? FI seems uncomfortable accepting money from this person.

CMGragain

The ONLY thing you can do is to accept the check and write a very nice thank you note to your step-grandmother.   Anything else is unforgivably rude.

AlexaF2014

CMGragain said:

The ONLY thing you can do is to accept the check and write a very nice thank you note to your step-grandmother.   Anything else is unforgivably rude.

Fair enough. Something just felt wrong about the whole thing and I needed an unbiased opinion.

misshart00

You are always allowed to accept gifts from people not invited. Cash the check and write a thank uou note.

photokitty

misshart00 said:

You are always allowed to accept gifts from people not invited. Cash the check and write a thank uou note.

This is true for wedding gifts from people not invited to the wedding. She should never have been invited to the shower, that said ~ send a gracious thank you note and cash the check. Under no circumstance should you ever "deposit a check and ignore you ever got it."

misshart00

photokitty said:

You are always allowed to accept gifts from people not invited. Cash the check and write a thank uou note.

This is true for wedding gifts from people not invited to the wedding. She should never have been invited to the shower, that said ~ send a gracious thank you note and cash the check. Under no circumstance should you ever "deposit a check and ignore you ever got it."

I agree that she shouldn't have been invited to the shower in the first place. We just seem to get several questions from people asking if they need to return a gift from someone not invited to the wedding, so it was more for linkers. I should've been more specific.

AlexaF2014

photokitty said:

You are always allowed to accept gifts from people not invited. Cash the check and write a thank uou note.

This is true for wedding gifts from people not invited to the wedding. She should never have been invited to the shower, that said ~ send a gracious thank you note and cash the check. Under no circumstance should you ever "deposit a check and ignore you ever got it."

AHHHH I WROTE TOO QUICKLY!!!! That was supposed to be "DISCARD the check and ignore" Deposit and no thank you? Rude as hell! Please don't think I'm an awful person, just an awful typist, I swear!

huskypuppy14

Your mom is completely out of line. I missed your original thread, but I just read your OP, and the fact that your mom seems to think her wishes seem to overide your FI is absolutely horrible. This woman may be your mom's friend, but if she is going to cause issues with your future inlaws and your fiance, she should not be invited. Your mom needs to drop it.

Send a thank you note and cash the check though. It's not your fault your mother invited her to your shower. Your mom is so wrong, it's ridiculous. If she continues this bullshit, you better tell her that she will have limited contact with you and your new husband and any children you may have. I am so mad for you.

AddieCake

Another vote for cashing and thanking. And then have a conversation with your mom about disregarding your wishes and feelings on things.

flantastic

AddieCake said:

Another vote for cashing and thanking. And then have a conversation with your mom about disregarding your wishes and feelings on things.

This is what we did + what FI then had to do with his mom after the same thing happened at the shower she hosted for me. It can be messy (FI was accused of breaking her heart and making her cry all night) but that conversation needs to be had for the sake of your future family interactions.