Would you be PO'd (semi-vent)?

loro929

I am really struggling with something that I don't know how I should feel. I go from moments where I am furious to moments where I don't really give a fuck. I think what I need is some perspective of whether I am crazy and need to just STFU or if I am justified in having these waves of being upset. So, you must be curious as to what I am talking about - here goes the story.

There are 4 characters:
Me, FI, FB (future bride) and FG (future groom) - for clarity sake.
FB and FG are a couple and mutual friends of FI and myself.

FI and I have been engaged since August 2013 with our wedding (quickly) approaching in August 2015. Because we decided to have the wedding in my hometown, it is quite a destination wedding (5+ hours air travel) for a huge chunk of our guests. Because of that we announced our date and where it owuld be pretty early in the game. Fast forward to June 2014, two mutual friends of our decides to get married in the courthouse this October 2014. The FG calls my FI and asks us about our guest-list of common friends. FI answers without even thinking much about it but then it all comes into the open that they are going to have a PPD and are using us and our planning as their guide. He asked several times about out plans for next summer, i.e. the organization, when we were going to travel in beforehand etc. because according to them, it wouldn't be the same if we weren't there.

FG, who we are somewhat better friends with, assured us that it wouldn't be until after our wedding, especially because it requires all of our mutual guests some heavy-duty travel and they did not want people to feel obligated to choose one or the other to attend. Well, after all was said and done, future bride didn't really care and they are having their PPD in July 2015 - going to the courthouse this month - and we have the same exact group of friends. I know under normal circumstances I should just STFU everyone has their ONE day and having a month in between the two weddings is nothing. But, as I mentioned attending both "weddings" requires 2 long-haul flights within a month of each other, in regards to PTO and economically speaking, I know this is a HUGE burden on our common group of friends.

Now, I consider myself quite a polite person, and I have not said a word about my feelings regarding this to the future bride and groom (and would never). These thoughts stay to myself or in some moments of WTF, between me and my FI.

I hope I don't open a can of worms here, as I mentioned this is something I am trying to deal with internally. Everything is all said and done and nothing will change so I need to accept that it is what it is. But, I guess my question is: Would you be pissed off if this happened to you? What would you do in this situation?

ETA: grammar... I need to learn how to proofread

larrygaga

I think I would be pissed, but I think that it is also petty to be pissed. I can be a petty person. Personally, I think you should make sure everyone knows they are already married. Bring it up on the sly, and "accidentally" spill the beans. If everyone already knows, they might choose yours because it's an actual wedding rather than a party celebrating a wedding that already happened. 

Otherwise, you can't control what anyone else does, so keep planning like normal and invite everyone you would normally invite. I hope it works out!

luckya23

Yes I probably would be annoyed... Have you already sent your save the dates?

novella1186

I might be a little worried that some people can't make it to my wedding because they've already spent money and vacation time on the previous wedding. But that's not to say that those friends won't choose your wedding over hers, especially since hers is a PPD. Is she being honest about the fact that they'll already be married by then, or are they going to try to hide it??  Cuz if I were friends with you both, I'd choose to attend the real wedding over the PPD (yours instead of hers) if I could only afford to go to one. 

I can understand you being annoyed, but I don't think this is really as a bad as it seems. I think you just need to take a deep breath and focus on your own wedding, which is going to be wonderful regardless of whatever tacky nonsense Miss PPD tries to pull off. 

thisismynickname2

Get your STDs out now if you haven't already.

Is your mutual group of friends aware that they did the courthouse thing or are they intending to lie to most people?

Yes, you have a right to be annoyed as the assumption is now you might have fewer guests, but you're also right that you don't have a right to say anything about it besides vent here.  Yes, it'll be a burden for people but there's also a good chunk of time for guests to start planning and budgeting for travel- for both events. 

In the end, you'll have a wonderful wedding and a wonderful time celebrating with the people who were able to come.  

pinkcow13

I would totally be pissed off. Like you said, it would be one thing if this was their actual wedding, but it's not. And the fact that they used you guys for wedding planning and confirming their guest list is infuriating. 

Unfortunately, I'm not sure that anything can really be done in this situation. Are they being upfront about the PPD, or are they lying to their guests? The reason I ask is that for me personally, unless I was a lot closer with one set of friends than the other, if I could not afford to attend both weddings, I would choose the actual wedding over the PPD. I've said in the past that PPD's don't really bother me as long as the couple is upfront about it. But when given the choice between attending a PPD or an actual wedding, I would choose the actual wedding, hands down.

If they are already married, I wonder why the "bride to be" just needs to have her wedding the month before yours. 

Also, since you mentioned that your wedding will be out of town for most of your guests, have you sent your STD's out? If not, I would personally get those out ASAP.

loro929

larrygaga said:

I think I would be pissed, but I think that it is also petty to be pissed. I can be a petty person. Personally, I think you should make sure everyone knows they are already married. Bring it up on the sly, and "accidentally" spill the beans. If everyone already knows, they might choose yours because it's an actual wedding rather than a party celebrating a wedding that already happened. 

Otherwise, you can't control what anyone else does, so keep planning like normal and invite everyone you would normally invite. I hope it works out!

I know it is so petty. But, I guess I am human
I said I have moments where I think "I don't give a fuck" but then the fact that it is a PPD makes me get so angry, especially because, in that case they could have chosen any date. They do not want to celebrate anything after their courthouse wedding because "they are really getting married in July"

Plus FB now tries to chit chat with me about it when we are together "Ah, loro, I have an appointment to look at gowns next week". I bean dip with a response, such as  "Sound fun. Who saw the Cowboys game last weekend". But, for as polite and calm as I try to be, it does eat me up a bit inside. I really hate feeling petty, it makes me feel like a bad person but I can't help it :S


I

Maggie0829

larrygaga said:

I think I would be pissed, but I think that it is also petty to be pissed. I can be a petty person. Personally, I think you should make sure everyone knows they are already married. Bring it up on the sly, and "accidentally" spill the beans. If everyone already knows, they might choose yours because it's an actual wedding rather than a party celebrating a wedding that already happened. 

Otherwise, you can't control what anyone else does, so keep planning like normal and invite everyone you would normally invite. I hope it works out!

This.

Couggal12

I would be annoyed but, mostly because it's a PPD. Are they planning on keeping it a secret that they are already married? 

At this point all you can do is continue on with your own plans. Sounds like you already let your VIPs know about your date and you should also send out STDs soon so people are aware of the date who you haven't spoken with. 

KatieinBkln

I would just do as @larrygaga suggests and tell everyone you know that they're married already. I mean, not in a "HEAR YE HEAR YE, OUR FRIENDS ARE TOTES MARRIED!" way, but casually, and often. 

Friend: Did you hear FB and FG are engaged?

You: Oh my gosh, not only that, they just got married! I'm so happy for them.

It can't be that big of a secret if you know, so just act like it isn't a secret and hopefully people will choose to spend their time off at a real wedding (yours).

OliveOilsMom

loro929 said:

I am really struggling with something that I don't know how I should feel. I go from moments where I am furious to moments where I don't really give a fuck. I think what I need is some perspective of whether I am crazy and need to just STFU or if I am justified in having these waves of being upset. So, you must be curious as to what I am talking about - here goes the story.

There are 4 characters:
Me, FI, FB (future bride) and FG (future groom) - for clarity sake.
FB and FG are a couple and mutual friends of FI and myself.

FI and I have been engaged since August 2013 with our wedding (quickly) approaching in August 2015. Because we decided to have the wedding in my hometown, it is quite a destination wedding (5+ hours air travel) for a huge chunk of our guests. Because of that we announced our date and where it owuld be pretty early in the game. Fast forward to June 2014, two mutual friends of our decides to get married in the courthouse this October 2014. The FG calls my FI and asks us about our guest-list of common friends. FI answers without even thinking much about it but then it all comes into the open that they are going to have a PPD and are using us and our planning as their guide. He asked several times about out plans for next summer, i.e. the organization, when we were going to travel in beforehand etc. because according to them, it wouldn't be the same if we weren't there.

FG, who we are somewhat better friends with, assured us that it wouldn't be until after our wedding, especially because it requires all of our mutual guests some heavy-duty travel and they did not want people to feel obligated to choose one or the other to attend. Well, after all was said and done, future bride didn't really care and they are having their PPD in July 2015 - going to the courthouse this month - and we have the same exact group of friends. I know under normal circumstances I should just STFU everyone has their ONE day and having a month in between the two weddings is nothing. But, as I mentioned attending both "weddings" requires 2 long-haul flights within a month of each other, in regards to PTO and economically speaking, I know this is a HUGE burden on our common group of friends.

Now, I consider myself quite a polite person, and I have not said a word about my feelings regarding this to the future bride and groom (and would never). These thoughts stay to myself or in some moments of WTF, between me and my FI.

I hope I don't open a can of worms here, as I mentioned this is something I am trying to deal with internally. Everything is all said and done and nothing will change so I need to accept that it is what it is. But, I guess my question is: Would you be pissed off if this happened to you? What would you do in this situation?

ETA: grammar... I need to learn how to proofread

I would be pissed and vent to FI only, but you have to move past this. Even with the PPD, you get one day and they get one day. Obviously you are more concerned with your guests than they are. If you have not already, send out STDs. I would also not be hiding the fact that they are married from your mutual friends. As a PP said, if I knew their wedding was a fake redo, I would decline attending and attend yours.

chibiyui

I'd be annoyed at the destination PPD. 

loro929

Because of the travel, we already did send out the STDs because we anticipated that people would need time to make arrangements to come.
They are keeping the courthouse wedding a bit on the hush-hush (i.e. it is not really clear to most people what is going on). For instance, this group of friends wants to host a joint-bachelor party for FI and FG. They sent a mail to the men asking about availability for a weekend in June. FG wrote back immediately saying that it worked for him. *eyeroll* DUDE you will be married for like 7 months already!

Bubblegum5586

Yea I'd be annoyed. Like you said there isn't really too much you can do. Sounds like you already gave the dates to your VIPs and should send out the STDs to everyone else so they have your date and location locked in.

As a friend in your group I would pick your wedding because a- I knew about it first and b-I would attend an actual wedding over a PPD any day. I don't have a huge issue with PPDs as long as they are honest and host a great party.... but I don't think I would travel across country for it. Even for good friends and a great party...

loro929

TBH, just typing it here and hearing that I am not totally BSC for being a bit peeved is already making me feel better

larrygaga

You should edit Future Groom and Future Bride to be Fake Groom and Fake Bride.

Simky906

Actually, we had something similar happen. We got engaged in June 13 and set our date for September 14. We chose fall because one of DH's cousins was getting married in April. His family is scattered around the country so we wanted a substantial buffer so hopefully people could travel to both. 

 Well, another of DH's cousins gets engaged in August 13 (yay them!) and in October we get a email with a video recording of their intimate wedding ceremony. We invite them out for drinks to celebrate a couple weeks later and they inform us that they don't consider themselves to be married and their 'real' wedding will be in June 14. Which now means our is the third family wedding and all require substantial travel for the majority of the family. 

 I admit, I had an internal freak out that no one would come to the wedding. I was really annoyed with them and I made a few catty comments in my head when I saw facebook posts about their wedding. Oh, and I sent out StDs within a month of finding out their wedding date. 

 In the end, it turned out that I was worried about nothing. For the family members that had to 'choose' between the June wedding and ours, they universally chose ours as they knew about it first and cousin 2's wedding was soon after cousin 1's wedding. I'm glad I didn't say anything about it.

 So feel what you feel, and then move on to having a kickass wedding!

Edited for clarity

loro929

Simky906 said:

Actually, we had something similar happen. We got engaged in June 13 and set our date for September 14. We chose fall because one of DH's cousins was getting married in April. His family is scattered around the country so we wanted a substantial buffer so hopefully people could travel to both. 

 Well, another of DH's cousins gets engaged in August 13 (yay them!) and in October we get a email with a video recording of their intimate wedding ceremony. We invite them out for drinks to celebrate a couple weeks later and they inform us that they don't consider themselves to be married and their 'real' wedding will be in June 14. Which now means our is the third family wedding and all require substantial travel for the majority of the family. 

 I admit, I had an internal freak out that no one would come to the wedding. I was really annoyed with them and I made catty comments in my head every time I saw a facebook post about their wedding. Oh, and I sent out StDs within a month of finding out their wedding date. 

 In the end, it turned out that I was worried about nothing. For the family members that had to 'choose' between the June wedding and ours, they universally chose ours as they knew about it first and it was too soon after cousin 1's wedding. I'm glad I didn't say anything about it.

 So feel what you feel, and then move on to having a kickass wedding!

I agree with this 100%, I just hate the fact there even is this situation. I hate to be a burden on people and I feel that the fact that there are 2 events, in which we are truly equally friends, that people need to contemplate.

PPS. the main reason for the long engagement was to have a nice buffer to be able to give those who wanted to attend a sufficient amount of time to make arrangements :S

Also, I must admit, I was a bit crazy with the STDs, and at 11 months out I made sure that the whole bundle was signed, shipped and delivered - they still have not sent out anything "formal" - i.e. STD, announcement, whatever.

NYCMercedes

Several things going on here. 

1. Yes, be pissed as hell, but don't vent to anyone but us. Important because otherwise you'll look mean. 

2. Don't tell them any other details about your wedding. 

3. If she/he brings up anything about their event, feel free to make a snide remark. "Why are you shopping for gowns when you're already married?" is a legitamate, though snarky, question. Use the same approach if she/me mentions wedding cake, for example. 

4. Let it slip that they're already married. You probably only need to do this one time. 

5. Can you ask her/him why they chose a date so close to yours? Why they modeled their celebration after yours? Can you mention that you are sincerely disappointed, although you wish them the best?

6. Pray for inner peace. 

ETA, I can't spell or edit. 

Simky906

I know exactly what you mean. It kinda made me feel bad for having our wedding when we did because regardless of the fact that we'd picked our date first, we were now 'last'. So it felt like we were the ones inconviencing people. And I know it's not an easy mindset to get out of, but in the words of my wise mother 'you're borrowing trouble'. Just ignore the situation as much as you can. And in your case, I think it's a very good thing that you already sent out StDs!

bethsmiles

scribe95 said:

I would make sure you put a nice note on their respective FB pages saying "Congratulations on getting hitched" on the day of the courthouse ceremony. 

I was just about to post the same thing. Even if it is petty to be annoyed/mad I would be as well. It was pretty shitty of them to put this burden on your friend group, especially for a PPD.

hellohkb

I would be pretty annoyed, I admit. I would send out save the dates if you haven't already.

That being said, guests may choose to go to both. If not, they are going to choose the wedding of the couple they are closer to. If some friends are closer to you, they will make the sacrifice to choose yours.

abbyj700

Ya get one day.

Yes - this couple are being rude by having a destination PPD (or just a PPD at all) - but you still just get one day.

If people chose to go your wedding, their wedding or both is up to them. And you'll end up with a wonderful party, a wonderful man and some wonderful memories - so no need to be upset. :-)

theartistformerlyknownas

I think it would just be oh so wonderful and supportive of you to throw them a joint bachelor/bachelorette party ASAP before their October wedding. And invite every single one of your common friends. Because you're just so excited for their very real wedding this month!

I am a petty bitch.

climbingsingle

NYCMercedes said:

Several things going on here. 

1. Yes, be pissed as hell, but don't vent to anyone but us. Important because otherwise you'll look mean. 

2. Don't tell them any other details about your wedding. 

3. If she/he brings up anything about their event, feel free to make a snide remark. "Why are you shopping for gowns when you're already married?" is a legitamate, though snarky, question. Use the same approach if she/me mentions wedding cake, for example. 

4. Let it slip that they're already married. You probably only need to do this one time. 

5. Can you ask her/him why they chose a date so close to yours? Why they modeled their celebration after yours? Can you mention that you are sincerely disappointed, although you wish them the best?

6. Pray for inner peace. 

ETA, I can't spell or edit. 

I agree with all of this. I'd be pissed, especially since it's a PPD. Why pick a date the month before yours!?!? And I'd totally let it slip that they're already married if they're keeping it a secret from people. 

photokitty

bethsmiles said:

scribe95 said:

I would make sure you put a nice note on their respective FB pages saying "Congratulations on getting hitched" on the day of the courthouse ceremony. 

I was just about to post the same thing. Even if it is petty to be annoyed/mad I would be as well. It was pretty shitty of them to put this burden on your friend group, especially for a PPD.

While I would be totally annoyed and do what Gaga said.

I would not out them on FB. I guess it's a gray area if she mentions the wedding on FB, but I am sick of people outing news on FB. If it's not your damn news to share don't go posting. Just bc someone had their baby doesn't mean it's you job to tell their FB friends. Got a new job - you want your friend to congratulate you on your FB wall before you make it public? Same goes with engagements, wedding, deaths, etc.

I've very cranky bc I had a person close to me get outed on FB recently and it caused a lot of drama (not over a PPD or anything wedding related). Tell everyone you want in person that they got married, but let people share their own news on social media - it's not your news to broadcast on the web. *steps off soap box*

loro929

ClimbingBrideNY said:

NYCMercedes said:

Several things going on here. 

1. Yes, be pissed as hell, but don't vent to anyone but us. Important because otherwise you'll look mean. 

2. Don't tell them any other details about your wedding. 

3. If she/he brings up anything about their event, feel free to make a snide remark. "Why are you shopping for gowns when you're already married?" is a legitamate, though snarky, question. Use the same approach if she/me mentions wedding cake, for example. 

4. Let it slip that they're already married. You probably only need to do this one time. 

5. Can you ask her/him why they chose a date so close to yours? Why they modeled their celebration after yours? Can you mention that you are sincerely disappointed, although you wish them the best?

6. Pray for inner peace. 

ETA, I can't spell or edit. 

I agree with all of this. I'd be pissed, especially since it's a PPD. Why pick a date the month before yours!?!? And I'd totally let it slip that they're already married if they're keeping it a secret from people. 

I know, it really bothers me even more because they "asked us about dates to not have any conflicts" BEFORE they picked / secured a venue. We did mention the HUGE conflict of travel, time and money for a large part of our friends. GAH. Why even ask?

I am praying extra hard for the inner peace recommended by @NYCMercedes .

ETA: more details.

loro929

photokitty said:

bethsmiles said:

scribe95 said:

I would make sure you put a nice note on their respective FB pages saying "Congratulations on getting hitched" on the day of the courthouse ceremony. 

I was just about to post the same thing. Even if it is petty to be annoyed/mad I would be as well. It was pretty shitty of them to put this burden on your friend group, especially for a PPD.

While I would be totally annoyed and do what Gaga said.

I would not out them on FB. I guess it's a gray area if she mentions the wedding on FB, but I am sick of people outing news on FB. If it's not your damn news to share don't go posting. Just bc someone had their baby doesn't mean it's you job to tell their FB friends. Got a new job - you want your friend to congratulate you on your FB wall before you make it public? Same goes with engagements, wedding, deaths, etc.

I've very cranky bc I had a person close to me get outed on FB recently and it caused a lot of drama (not over a PPD or anything wedding related). Tell everyone you want in person that they got married, but let people share their own news on social media - it's not your news to broadcast on the web. *steps off soap box*

I agree @photokitty while I enjoy a nice snark on here about what happened, I am here mostly for the objectivity of your opinions. I have to deal with these people on a (sometimes more than) daily basis. Although I do not agree with the whole situation, I am happy to have an outlet here where I can vent about the things that I cannot say IRL.

ohannabelle

lolo883 said:

I think it would just be oh so wonderful and supportive of you to throw them a joint bachelor/bachelorette party ASAP before their October wedding. And invite every single one of your common friends. Because you're just so excited for their very real wedding this month!

I am a petty bitch.

This. A wonderful and gracious gesture that lets everyone clearly know what asshats they are.  

I love surprise parties.

bethsmiles

photokitty said:

bethsmiles said:

scribe95 said:

I would make sure you put a nice note on their respective FB pages saying "Congratulations on getting hitched" on the day of the courthouse ceremony. 

I was just about to post the same thing. Even if it is petty to be annoyed/mad I would be as well. It was pretty shitty of them to put this burden on your friend group, especially for a PPD.

While I would be totally annoyed and do what Gaga said.

I would not out them on FB. I guess it's a gray area if she mentions the wedding on FB, but I am sick of people outing news on FB. If it's not your damn news to share don't go posting. Just bc someone had their baby doesn't mean it's you job to tell their FB friends. Got a new job - you want your friend to congratulate you on your FB wall before you make it public? Same goes with engagements, wedding, deaths, etc.

I've very cranky bc I had a person close to me get outed on FB recently and it caused a lot of drama (not over a PPD or anything wedding related). Tell everyone you want in person that they got married, but let people share their own news on social media - it's not your news to broadcast on the web. *steps off soap box*

I don't really see a difference between telling people on Facebook and telling people in person. With your argument it's either only one person's news to tell or it isn't. I don't see how the medium matters.

Saying Congrats on someone's wedding is really typical. Weddings aren't something that typically get announced. If this couple didn't want people to know, they shouldn't have told anyone. Keep your secrets and then you don't have to worry about them getting out.

KatieinBkln

photokitty said:

bethsmiles said:

scribe95 said:

I would make sure you put a nice note on their respective FB pages saying "Congratulations on getting hitched" on the day of the courthouse ceremony. 

I was just about to post the same thing. Even if it is petty to be annoyed/mad I would be as well. It was pretty shitty of them to put this burden on your friend group, especially for a PPD.

While I would be totally annoyed and do what Gaga said.

I would not out them on FB. I guess it's a gray area if she mentions the wedding on FB, but I am sick of people outing news on FB. If it's not your damn news to share don't go posting. Just bc someone had their baby doesn't mean it's you job to tell their FB friends. Got a new job - you want your friend to congratulate you on your FB wall before you make it public? Same goes with engagements, wedding, deaths, etc.

I've very cranky bc I had a person close to me get outed on FB recently and it caused a lot of drama (not over a PPD or anything wedding related). Tell everyone you want in person that they got married, but let people share their own news on social media - it's not your news to broadcast on the web. *steps off soap box*

Hm. While I agree with not "outing" people on facebook in general, I kind of feel like that's something to take into account for stuff like pregnancies/new jobs because those are things where controlling when you announce them has actual repercussions. A wedding is a matter of public record, so "outing" someone's wedding isn't really doing anything that any curious person couldn't find out themselves. I'm not sure about this one. What possible reason could a person have for keeping their wedding a secret? (Good reason, I mean. I guess if people are eloping to escape an abusive home/parents situation? But I kind of feel like the wedding isn't the thing that's helping them escape, it's the escape itself. The wedding would just be a justification to said abusive parents, like, haha, you can't stop us because MARRIED, which isn't really a Thing. Like, no one throws nonmarried couples in jail for living together, ya know?)