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Re: Wedding Timeline

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    novella1186novella1186 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited October 2014
    For whoever thinks it's ok to be rude and your guests "will understand" because "they love you and it's your day," why don't you stroll on over to the Chit Chat board and read the Saddest wedding EVER thread. 

    When you do poor planning, break etiquette, and treat your guests rudely, most of them won't be crass enough to say "Hey I don't appreciate the way you planned this." Nope. They'll just choose not to attend, and they'll judge you, and in some cases you may even hurt their feelings. This is not ok. 

    People coming to the ETIQUETTE board and advising Knotties that it's totally ok and acceptable to be rude is also not ok. Knock it off. 

    ETF: rage makes words hard 
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    martha1818martha1818 member
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    edited October 2014

    Well, damn. I really wish these types of posts weren't so predictable! I tried.

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    levioosalevioosa member
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    Knottie32752756 said:
    Thank you everyone for your extremely helpful comments about how rude and bad at planning I am, i will be sure to keep my eyes open to see all your perfect weddings on bravo. for the people that offered options or alternatives thank you I will look into some of those. Unfortunately after reading most alternatives it is apparent the only way to solve this problem would be to compromise my dreams of having a church wedding and a dinner style reception. I suppose i will have to bear the brunt of some bad etiquette bad mouthing but at the end of the day its my wife and I's day so they will have to make their decision if they kill a few hours or choose not to come. 
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    mrstrevor3mrstrevor3 member
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    martha1818 said:
    levioosa said:
    We aren't saying she has to forgo a church if that is what is important to her.  But the gap is extremely rude.  There is always a way around the gap.  If she is set on it, then the reception needs to start earlier, or she needs to find a different church with a later start time.  

    FWIW, if I knew there was a giant gap like that, I would skip the ceremony.  
    Same here.
    Well, I think if you would skip the ceremony, then you should just not go to the reception either. The reception is to thank the guests for coming to the ceremony and witnessing them getting married. If you are not there for the ceremony, then it would not be appropriate to go to the reception. Now I'm not saying gaps are good in any way, but that just stood out to me a little bit.
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    abl13abl13 member
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    OP, people on these boards get their panties in a bunch over this so I wouldn't really worry about it. I come from a very heavily catholic area and people get annoyed when there isn't a gap. There is no way to please everyone. Just be up front about the timing on your invites.
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    AlexaF2014AlexaF2014 member
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    Hi OP!

    I'm going to go ahead and assume that you're having a Catholic Saturday wedding (because the time constraint is exactly what my Catholic Saturday wedding is). Yes, gaps are rude, but if your guests are Catholic, they might understand/expect the gap. All the weddings I went to growing up had gaps and I never knew you could not have one until I joined the knot. *Note: this is a straw, please don't grasp at it to justify a Catholic gap*

    It might be worth a shot to see if you can change your date from (what I'm assuming is) Saturday to Friday. A friend had a 5PM Catholic Friday wedding, we went straight to cocktail hour while they finished up pictures. We ate a fancy dinner and danced all night. I think you said the reception was at a hotel? Check and see if they would be willing/able to switch you to Friday with no (or minimal) deposit loss, and check with your church(es) to see if they could switch you as well. 
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    mhoffman17mhoffman17 member
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    edited October 2014

    @knottie32752756

    I am also getting married in a church and you are correct, the ceremony starts at 2pm and there is no other option. (We are 100% getting married in our catholic church, all other religious ceremonies in our area start at 2 as well).

    Every wedding I've been to in my area has had a gap between the church ceremony and the reception.  Every one of these weddings has had a gap and no one blinks an eye.  Who on earth wants to go to a reception at 3pm??? So strange. I would be very disappointed if all my friends and my fiances friends had boring cake and punch receptions with no dancing or drinks. Dumb.  My friends and family want to eat dinner at dinner time, then dance the night away with drinks and good music. No one does that in the afternoon. I even asked a few different girlfriends of different ages and in different friend groups. EVERY ONE OF THEM thought it was strange that so many people on this site think a gap is "so rude".  It is completely normal.  The bridal party typically gets pictures during this gap as there is no other time to do it since church ceremonies start so early.  I look forward to the gap to hang out with friends, go to the bar, check into my room, recurl that hair since I may have been on the road for a few hours that morning, or just take my shoes off for a minute!

    Calm down, you are not rude.  It happens.  I know this post will get eaten alive, but just know there are many, many people who have gaps, don't mind gaps, or never thought twice about that.  It's just a part of the day.

    Edited: Fiance and I have a wedding this saturday with a gap (gasp!!!!) and are so thrilled we don't have to ask anyone to watch the dogs again and we can go home to walk them before the reception. 

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    Butterflyz419Butterflyz419 member
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    Emily Post and Judith Martin are not the Almighty. They have opinions. That's it. Just opinions. They may be widely held. They may be commonly accepted. But they are still just opinions. Not immutable moral law. They have no authority granted either by God or man to pass absolute judgment. The "approved" wisdom of the masses, or at least those that spend time on The Knot was amply supplied here. My opinion is just as good as any others when it comes to this.
    AlexaF2014 said:
    Hi OP!

    I'm going to go ahead and assume that you're having a Catholic Saturday wedding (because the time constraint is exactly what my Catholic Saturday wedding is). Yes, gaps are rude, but if your guests are Catholic, they might understand/expect the gap. All the weddings I went to growing up had gaps and I never knew you could not have one until I joined the knot. *Note: this is a straw, please don't grasp at it to justify a Catholic gap*

    It might be worth a shot to see if you can change your date from (what I'm assuming is) Saturday to Friday. A friend had a 5PM Catholic Friday wedding, we went straight to cocktail hour while they finished up pictures. We ate a fancy dinner and danced all night. I think you said the reception was at a hotel? Check and see if they would be willing/able to switch you to Friday with no (or minimal) deposit loss, and check with your church(es) to see if they could switch you as well. 
    So half your guests will whine about how inconvenient a Friday at 5 pm wedding is and how they have jobs and it's rush hour, etc. etc.? THIS is exactly what I mean. You cannot please everybody, even when you follow the "rules," as there's nothing "improper" about a Friday evening wedding, you're still going to have people complaining and annoyed and probably people will still skip the ceremony because they don't want to leave work early on your account. And yeah, sure you can have that cake and punch reception and watch people talk behind your back because they got all dressed up and maybe even travelled some distance for nothing more than some cake and crackers and cheese. People WILL complain, so do the best you can. Have empathy for others and then let it go.
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    mrstrevor3mrstrevor3 member
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    Butterflyz419 said:
    lolo883 said:
    @butterflyz419 and @ssauter this is the Etiquette board, not the Personal Opinion board. If you choose to go against etiquette and make choices that ABSOLUTELY WILL make some of your guests feel like you're treating them like shit, go right ahead. Anyone is free to ignore etiquette if they just don't care. But it is NOT correct and you shouldn't be doling out that advice. 

    OP, I totally agree with @kaos16. If you change the type of reception from dinner to cake and apps, it will save you money even if the actual rental fee for the other locations is more. Plus your reception length will be shorter, and people won't drink as much in the afternoon as they will at night. I think that's your best option here, especially since you said your ONE WANT was the church ceremony, not an evening party atmosphere. Then you can go to a really nice dinner afterward, just the two of you, or add your parents, your WP, whatever.
    I'm sorry but are you telling me how to post or what I can and cannot say on this board. That's pretty rich.

    In the end all etiquette is personal opinion turned into collective wisdom and custom. It was not handed down from on high like the Ten Commandments binding all people, in all places, in all times, in all circumstances, forever and ever. You all gave one perspective, I gave another. I really don't give two figs how you feel about my view, but I'll share it on this board or any other as I see fit thank you very much.
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    mrstrevor3mrstrevor3 member
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    martha1818 said:
    mrstrevor3 said:
    martha1818 said:
    levioosa said:
    We aren't saying she has to forgo a church if that is what is important to her.  But the gap is extremely rude.  There is always a way around the gap.  If she is set on it, then the reception needs to start earlier, or she needs to find a different church with a later start time.  

    FWIW, if I knew there was a giant gap like that, I would skip the ceremony.  
    Same here.
    Well, I think if you would skip the ceremony, then you should just not go to the reception either. The reception is to thank the guests for coming to the ceremony and witnessing them getting married. If you are not there for the ceremony, then it would not be appropriate to go to the reception. Now I'm not saying gaps are good in any way, but that just stood out to me a little bit.
    Well then one can turn around and say, if you're going to host an event, HOST the event. Which means don't make your guests you are hosting sit around waiting for you. Sure two rudes don't make a right, but I don't have patience for people who don't respect my time.
    Well I have heard of people who think it is fine to just skip the ceremony and still go to the reception. Like I said, gaps are rude and I don't like them any more than you do.

    Also, OP, people gave you solutions for your problem. If you are just going to whine that no one validated your plan to have a gap, then take it elsewhere. Maybe over at weddingbee you will get your pats on the back you are clearly looking for.
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    mhoffman17 said:

    @knottie32752756

    I am also getting married in a church and you are correct, the ceremony starts at 2pm and there is no other option. (We are 100% getting married in our catholic church, all other religious ceremonies in our area start at 2 as well).

    Every wedding I've been to in my area has had a gap between the church ceremony and the reception.  Every one of these weddings has had a gap and no one blinks an eye.  Who on earth wants to go to a reception at 3pm??? So strange. I would be very disappointed if all my friends and my fiances friends had boring cake and punch receptions with no dancing or drinks. Dumb.  My friends and family want to eat dinner at dinner time, then dance the night away with drinks and good music. No one does that in the afternoon. I even asked a few different girlfriends of different ages and in different friend groups. EVERY ONE OF THEM thought it was strange that so many people on this site think a gap is "so rude".  It is completely normal.  The bridal party typically gets pictures during this gap as there is no other time to do it since church ceremonies start so early.  I look forward to the gap to hang out with friends, go to the bar, check into my room, recurl that hair since I may have been on the road for a few hours that morning, or just take my shoes off for a minute!

    Calm down, you are not rude.  It happens.  I know this post will get eaten alive, but just know there are many, many people who have gaps, don't mind gaps, or never thought twice about that.  It's just a part of the day.

    Edited: Fiance and I have a wedding this saturday with a gap (gasp!!!!) and are so thrilled we don't have to ask anyone to watch the dogs again and we can go home to walk them before the reception. 

    Umm. I grew up in a huge Irish-Catholic family.  The majority of the weddings were in the afternoon.  Everyone had full meals, lots of drinking and packed dance floors.  There is no rule that drinking and dancing has to start after a certain time.  All had after-parties also.

    I do not need to refresh after sitting in a pew for a hour.  Gaps are buzz kill.  If you are OOT they down right suck.








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    mhoffman17 said:

    @knottie32752756

    I am also getting married in a church and you are correct, the ceremony starts at 2pm and there is no other option. (We are 100% getting married in our catholic church, all other religious ceremonies in our area start at 2 as well).

    Every wedding I've been to in my area has had a gap between the church ceremony and the reception.  Every one of these weddings has had a gap and no one blinks an eye.  Who on earth wants to go to a reception at 3pm??? So strange. I would be very disappointed if all my friends and my fiances friends had boring cake and punch receptions with no dancing or drinks. Dumb.  My friends and family want to eat dinner at dinner time, then dance the night away with drinks and good music. No one does that in the afternoon. I even asked a few different girlfriends of different ages and in different friend groups. EVERY ONE OF THEM thought it was strange that so many people on this site think a gap is "so rude".  It is completely normal.  The bridal party typically gets pictures during this gap as there is no other time to do it since church ceremonies start so early.  I look forward to the gap to hang out with friends, go to the bar, check into my room, recurl that hair since I may have been on the road for a few hours that morning, or just take my shoes off for a minute!

    Calm down, you are not rude.  It happens.  I know this post will get eaten alive, but just know there are many, many people who have gaps, don't mind gaps, or never thought twice about that.  It's just a part of the day.

    Edited: Fiance and I have a wedding this saturday with a gap (gasp!!!!) and are so thrilled we don't have to ask anyone to watch the dogs again and we can go home to walk them before the reception. 

    It's both completely normal for heavily-Catholic circles AND RUDE. 
    For years, nearly every wedding I went to had a gap. I didn't know it was rude, but I sure as hell thought it was inconvenient. It would eat up my entire Saturday between getting-ready time, travel time to the ceremony, gap, then partying into the night.  I'm a busy professional and I love my friends and weddings, but damn, I have other things to do on my weekends. 
    The gap bothered me for years so much that when DH and I got engaged, one of my top priorities was an evening wedding: "I don't want people to waste their entire day on us" were my exact words. 
    The last wedding I attended was 95% amazing. Not amazing? The gap. We killed time with an errand and then drinks at a bar (at which we saw other guests imbibing too).  You shouldn't force people to wait around in fancy clothes and spend money they wouldn't otherwise have wanted to spend.  
    For a Church wedding, you take as many pictures as possible separately before the ceremony (or do a First Look), get the blended family photos done immediately after and during your guests' cocktail hour, and get partying.  

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    AuroraRose41AuroraRose41 member
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    Butterflyz419 said:
    Rather than eat the deposit, if you're going to spend money twice, spend it productively, not wastefully. Is there an activity that can reasonably be done by guests in wedding attire? Like taking a trolley/bus tour of your area? Is there a local hotel or other space where you can rent a simple conference room and have a hospitality room with snacks and soft drinks? That seems like a better use of money than simply eating the deposit if you're concerned about this. My bet with either option is that guests, being adults, know how to entertain themselves for a couple hours and may not even take you up on these offerings, but they'd be good to have regardless. For what it's worth, as a guest, I wouldn't care that much about this particularly if I was from out of town or lived in town, and could go hang in my hotel room/at home. It'd be more irritating if I was in that in between, too close for a hotel, too far to make the drive twice distance.

    I'm also unclear if you mean that you can't start later than 2 but a 2 pm start is okay or if you have to be out of the church by 2, because of course that makes a big difference. A full Catholic Wedding Mass will easily take over an hour. Also, if you do a receiving line at the ceremony site, that could also eat up another half hour. 


    SITB

    The bolded rubbed me the wrong way. I attended a wedding in July with a gap. I was technically an OOT guest, but it was near (~25 minutes) where my parents lived so I was staying with them. I did not have a hotel room at the hotel, and my parents dropped BF and I off at the venue, so we did not have a car to be able to drive back during the gap. So we had to wait in the lobby that only had 2 couches with the 100 other local guests with nothing to do during that time. EVERY SINGLE PERSON bad mouthed the couple and the poor planning. It also didn't help matters that we all had just walked for 20 minutes from the park where the ceremony was back to the hotel in 90 degree heat and 100% humidity, and everyone was upset that they had to wait an hour and a half to get hosted non alcoholic drinks at cocktail hour. BF and I had to go find the bar in the hotel to buy water so that we didn't pass out. 

    Seriously OP, the other ladies on here gave great advice for ways to properly host and avoid a gap. Listen to them. 

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    cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
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    Yeah, my parents recently went to one of those catholic ceremony at 2 and reception at 6 weddings.  The father of the bride decided to host everyone who wanted to go to the hotel bar during the gap...there were a lot of drunk people that had drinks during the gap without food...there were also people who only went to the reception.

    Look you can have the reception start right away at a different venue or give up the saturday ceremony, or give up the church aspect but GAPS ARE RUDE. 

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    mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
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    This is one of those etiquette things that don't bother me personally. If I have time to kill, I can generally entertain myself without any issue.

    That said, OP, you did ask for advice. You received advice. 

    Not everyone feels about gaps at weddings the way I do and that's why a lot of the advice that was given was given.

    Either ditch the wedding at 2:00 or change your reception timeline. Or have a gap, I've seen hide nor hair of the illimunati-like "Wedding Police" - no one can or will stop you.

    Like every other "rule" that's breakable you have to be able to deal with the potential outcome. In this case you may have people skip the ceremony, skip the reception, show up hammered to the reception, etc. You may have guests that are pissed off like many of the PP's have stated they were when they were faced with gaps. Or, this may the norm among your peeps and no one will bat an eye. You may be willing to gamble. Just remember you are ultimately responsible for the outcome (good or bad) of any event you are throwing. Think it through. Proceed.
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    WildMageletWildMagelet member
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    novella1186 said:
    Don't give up your dream of a church wedding. Just be clever about the plan. 
    2-3 ceremony
    3-4 cocktails and snacks 
    4-5 first dance, toasts, salad course, etc 
    5-6 dinner, cake cutting 

    Done. No gap. You get what you want. 
    @Knottie32752756 - This is an awesome suggestion.  You get your 2pm ceremony on that day and at the church of your choice, you get your dinner reception and your guests don't have to wait around during a gap.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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    thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    I think @banana468 has coined a new catchphrase. Just like "it's 5 o'clock somewhere" we can talk about "filet at five".

    I normally eat early enough to catch an early-bird special, if I were 30 years older.  Eating early = good! 
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    Cookie PusherCookie Pusher member
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    I had my ceremony at 3 on a Saturday, and it was no big deal. By the time we got through cocktail hour, intros/spotlight dances, and salad course, dinner was being served at 6 o'clock - a totally normal dinner time for many people. With a 2 o'clock ceremony, many of your guests would likely have had an early lunch so they would be more than ready to eat dinner by 5. Our reception had to end by 9 (public space venue with noise ordinances), so we opted to let everyone know we'd be hitting X, Y, and Z venues after the wedding and everyone was welcome to stop by to see us. We ended up with almost 20 people bar hopping and grabbing late-night food with us until 2 in the morning.
    ~*~*~*~*~

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    mhoffman17mhoffman17 member
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    adk19 said:
    mhoffman17 said:

    @knottie32752756

    I am also getting married in a church and you are correct, the ceremony starts at 2pm and there is no other option. (We are 100% getting married in our catholic church, all other religious ceremonies in our area start at 2 as well).

    Every wedding I've been to in my area has had a gap between the church ceremony and the reception.  Every one of these weddings has had a gap and no one blinks an eye.  Who on earth wants to go to a reception at 3pm??? So strange. I would be very disappointed if all my friends and my fiances friends had boring cake and punch receptions with no dancing or drinks. Dumb.  My friends and family want to eat dinner at dinner time, then dance the night away with drinks and good music. No one does that in the afternoon. I even asked a few different girlfriends of different ages and in different friend groups. EVERY ONE OF THEM thought it was strange that so many people on this site think a gap is "so rude".  It is completely normal.  The bridal party typically gets pictures during this gap as there is no other time to do it since church ceremonies start so early.  I look forward to the gap to hang out with friends, go to the bar, check into my room, recurl that hair since I may have been on the road for a few hours that morning, or just take my shoes off for a minute!

    Calm down, you are not rude.  It happens.  I know this post will get eaten alive, but just know there are many, many people who have gaps, don't mind gaps, or never thought twice about that.  It's just a part of the day.

    Edited: Fiance and I have a wedding this saturday with a gap (gasp!!!!) and are so thrilled we don't have to ask anyone to watch the dogs again and we can go home to walk them before the reception. 

    Rude.  You are rude.  I seriously dislike you and "EVERY ONE OF" your friends.  I am so glad I don't know you or your friends so I don't have to invite you to my afternoon wedding that is so going to kick some serious ass about how awesome it will be.  Seriously, I can't get over how rude you are to call me and my plans dumb.
    You are right, no one's wedding is dumb or boring, its just different from the norm where I live. Didn't mean to offend, I just don't get the passion some people have about how rude gaps are. Sure it might be inconvenient, but I never felt like I was "being treated like shit" or something simliar. I also think I am a nice, good friend who would never skip a ceremony and just attend a reception. I love watching my friends and family say vows and would give up my entire day for them no matter what.
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    twitterbirdtwitterbird member
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    Where I live its extremely rare to have a wedding with no gap. In fact I've never been to one and neither has any of my friends. This includes religious and non-religious ceremonies. One of the most common questions on a local wedding facebook group I'm part of is "how long should my gap be". I'm not even kidding. People seem to expect a gap. I didn't know its considered rude until I started planning my own wedding. OP - you know your community, your family and your friends. If they are used to weddings with a gap then they aren't going to bat an eye no matter what posters on here say. And if they do mind then they certainly don't have to go - that is their choice. Just do your best.
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    novella1186novella1186 member
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    edited October 2014
    mhoffman17 said:

     

    adk19 said:
    mhoffman17 said:

    @knottie32752756

    I am also getting married in a church and you are correct, the ceremony starts at 2pm and there is no other option. (We are 100% getting married in our catholic church, all other religious ceremonies in our area start at 2 as well).

    Every wedding I've been to in my area has had a gap between the church ceremony and the reception.  Every one of these weddings has had a gap and no one blinks an eye.  Who on earth wants to go to a reception at 3pm??? So strange. I would be very disappointed if all my friends and my fiances friends had boring cake and punch receptions with no dancing or drinks. Dumb.  My friends and family want to eat dinner at dinner time, then dance the night away with drinks and good music. No one does that in the afternoon. I even asked a few different girlfriends of different ages and in different friend groups. EVERY ONE OF THEM thought it was strange that so many people on this site think a gap is "so rude".  It is completely normal.  The bridal party typically gets pictures during this gap as there is no other time to do it since church ceremonies start so early.  I look forward to the gap to hang out with friends, go to the bar, check into my room, recurl that hair since I may have been on the road for a few hours that morning, or just take my shoes off for a minute!

    Calm down, you are not rude.  It happens.  I know this post will get eaten alive, but just know there are many, many people who have gaps, don't mind gaps, or never thought twice about that.  It's just a part of the day.

    Edited: Fiance and I have a wedding this saturday with a gap (gasp!!!!) and are so thrilled we don't have to ask anyone to watch the dogs again and we can go home to walk them before the reception. 

    Rude.  You are rude.  I seriously dislike you and "EVERY ONE OF" your friends.  I am so glad I don't know you or your friends so I don't have to invite you to my afternoon wedding that is so going to kick some serious ass about how awesome it will be.  Seriously, I can't get over how rude you are to call me and my plans dumb.
    You are right, no one's wedding is dumb or boring, its just different from the norm where I live. Didn't mean to offend, I just don't get the passion some people have about how rude gaps are. Sure it might be inconvenient, but I never felt like I was "being treated like shit" or something simliar. I also think I am a nice, good friend who would never skip a ceremony and just attend a reception. I love watching my friends and family say vows and would give up my entire day for them no matter what.
    I quite frankly don't care that being rude is the norm where you live. In some cultures, genital mutilation is the norm. In some cultures, cannibalism was the norm. Does that make it ok? How about Nazi Germany, where executing Jews and gay people was the norm? Do you understand? 

    Most people have lives and can't commit an entire day to every single wedding we attend. I personally would never deem myself important enough to take an entire day away from all 120 of our wedding guests and assume that none of them have other things they need to do. 

    I find your comments very annoying and naive, as well as rude. 

    ETA (since people took this WAY the wrong way, so let me clarify): No. I am absolutely NOT comparing gaps to those terrible things. My point is that in some cultures/societies/whatever, certain things are the norm and people are used to them. That does not mean they are ok to EVERYONE in general. Calm down. 

    I was simply using extreme examples to make that point CLEAR because there seems to be a lot of misunderstanding about it. 

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    twitterbirdtwitterbird member
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    You're seriously comparing a wedding gap to the holocaust? You need some perspective.
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