In serious need of advice...

katiem56

I know I'm probably being unreasonable.

My fiance and I have been together for two years. We just had a child together, and he proposed after I had the baby. 

His cousin has been with her fiance for barely a year. They got engaged immediately. Like, stupidly immediately. Wouldn't be a problem, except...

His family is really close. They've compared the two relationships for their entire duration. The whole time we've been together, it's been "Who's getting engaged first?!" or "Who's getting married first?!"

Needless to say, she got her ring first. Fine, whatever...

To make things even more fun, she knew exactly what theme I had always wanted. Since her wedding is first, you better believe she snatched up the theme I wanted. OK, fine! You can have it! I can have a spectacular wedding with a different theme, I mean, I'm no bridezilla...

FINALLY, nine months later, I get MY ring. So exciting to finally be .marrying my best friend! First thing I do is try on wedding dresses.

Immediately I find the dress of my dreams! It's actually flattering on my postpartum body (which is nothing to complain about, but I've still got some weight to lose). I fall in love with the dress, and hastily purchase it. Perhaps too hastily..? 

One of my fiance's aunt's begs me to show her pictures of my dress. I've never been a super secretive person, so I oblige. Her smile quickly fades... "..Ooooohhhh...that's not... is that... that looks... a lot like her dress..."

Devastating. That's all I can say. I spend the next forty minutes bawling (coming from someone who normally has a level head), as she reassures me that "it's not a big deal," and "you guys have different body types, it'll look totally different!" ... OK, but you recognized it right away, didn't you?

The next week or so is a constant battle in my head of pros and cons, whether or not I should keep the dress or compromise (AGAIN!). Ultimately, I decided to keep the dress. Hers is white, mine is ivory, so there is a slight variation. Also, she's bigger than me--and I have been steadily losing baby weight.

All is well in bridal planning land. I make more cute plans, including using a wagon to have my fiance's younger brother pull my son and my infant niece so they can be a part of the wedding. 

BUT WAIT! Last night, I find out that this girl ALSO PLANS TO DO THE SAME FREAKING THING!!! Why. Why. Why. WHY does every single plan I have end up being "stolen" by her?! And the worst part is, I would technically be the one stealing the ideas! But I had no idea she had planned these things, or picked the same exact dress I wanted, I just find out after the fact. And both weddings will be attended by a lot of the same family, they'll definitely notice that, hmmm, my ideas are A LOT like the bride who got married before me...

I know I'm probably being unreasonable. I hate that I kind of hate her, because she's a very nice person. But I can't even have fun wedding planning, because the family keeps telling me her plans, and they end up being the same as mine. They keep telling me to go ahead and do the same plans anyway, cause "nobody is gonna be at both weddings!" which is a total load of dump, lots of people are gonna be at both.

I just don't know what to do.

hmonkey

it will be fine. you're not being unreasonable; just feel your feelings. maybe stop sharing all your plans with family because it's clearly just making you feel bad.

btw, what is the theme?

tawillers

Do you both have wedding dates set?

katiem56

Theme is peacocks. Hah, mostly they're sharing her plans--unbeknownst to her-- to me! So I'm like, "oh...that was an idea I had. Dangit."

In a way, it's kind of nice to know because now I won't be copycatting her.

Yeah, she's getting married before me.

Heffalump

katiem56 said:

I know I'm probably being unreasonable.

My fiance and I have been together for two years. We just had a child together, and he proposed after I had the baby. 

His cousin has been with her fiance for barely a year. They got engaged immediately. Like, stupidly immediately. Wouldn't be a problem, except...

His family is really close. They've compared the two relationships for their entire duration. The whole time we've been together, it's been "Who's getting engaged first?!" or "Who's getting married first?!"

Needless to say, she got her ring first. Fine, whatever...

To make things even more fun, she knew exactly what theme I had always wanted. Since her wedding is first, you better believe she snatched up the theme I wanted. OK, fine! You can have it! I can have a spectacular wedding with a different theme, I mean, I'm no bridezilla...

FINALLY, nine months later, I get MY ring. So exciting to finally be .marrying my best friend! First thing I do is try on wedding dresses.

Immediately I find the dress of my dreams! It's actually flattering on my postpartum body (which is nothing to complain about, but I've still got some weight to lose). I fall in love with the dress, and hastily purchase it. Perhaps too hastily..? 

One of my fiance's aunt's begs me to show her pictures of my dress. I've never been a super secretive person, so I oblige. Her smile quickly fades... "..Ooooohhhh...that's not... is that... that looks... a lot like her dress..."

Devastating. That's all I can say. I spend the next forty minutes bawling (coming from someone who normally has a level head), as she reassures me that "it's not a big deal," and "you guys have different body types, it'll look totally different!" ... OK, but you recognized it right away, didn't you?

The next week or so is a constant battle in my head of pros and cons, whether or not I should keep the dress or compromise (AGAIN!). Ultimately, I decided to keep the dress. Hers is white, mine is ivory, so there is a slight variation. Also, she's bigger than me--and I have been steadily losing baby weight.

All is well in bridal planning land. I make more cute plans, including using a wagon to have my fiance's younger brother pull my son and my infant niece so they can be a part of the wedding. 

BUT WAIT! Last night, I find out that this girl ALSO PLANS TO DO THE SAME FREAKING THING!!! Why. Why. Why. WHY does every single plan I have end up being "stolen" by her?! And the worst part is, I would technically be the one stealing the ideas! But I had no idea she had planned these things, or picked the same exact dress I wanted, I just find out after the fact. And both weddings will be attended by a lot of the same family, they'll definitely notice that, hmmm, my ideas are A LOT like the bride who got married before me...

I know I'm probably being unreasonable. I hate that I kind of hate her, because she's a very nice person. But I can't even have fun wedding planning, because the family keeps telling me her plans, and they end up being the same as mine. They keep telling me to go ahead and do the same plans anyway, cause "nobody is gonna be at both weddings!" which is a total load of dump, lots of people are gonna be at both.

I just don't know what to do.

The dress thing is just random bad luck.  FWIW, if I were in your shoes, I'd probably keep it too, since you love it and it looks good on you.  Honestly, I've been to several weddings in the past few years, and I am trying really hard to remember what any of those brides wore.  I got nothin'.  So while I know it's a big deal to you, your guests probably won't even notice.  And if they do, they'll notice for all of three seconds.

The "competition" thing his family is doing is just assy.  They're probably not trying to be assy, but there it is. 

The wagons:  I hate to tell you, but for a while, everyone was doing this.  Like, everyone.  When my daughter was a flower girl a couple of years ago, there was even a kid being pulled in a wagon in one of her flower girl books.  So complaining about this is like complaining that you're both having unity candles, or guest book photo mats, or whatever.  You and half the world, you know?

If the idea-sharing is really getting under your skin, just stop sharing details, be vague, and change the subject.  "Oh, we haven't really decided yet," "Oh, we're still thinking about that.  Have you tried this bean dip?"

*Barbie*

just so you know, there's nothing "unique" in what you've told us - people have used peacock elements, people wear white or ivory dresses - probably the exact same dresses that the two if you have chosen, people cart small children in a wagon, etc. It's all been done before. If you guys are both looking at the knot, wedding websites, magazine, pinterest, etc. you're getting your ideas from the same places - and it's nothing that hasn't been done before. 

what will make your wedding unique is that you are marrying your FI. unless she turns you into a skinsuit and marries him in your place, the weddings will be different. 

there's enough for you to stress about in having a baby and planning a wedding that you really need to stop worrying about what these other people are doing/planning. now that you've vented, move on, and stop discussing your wedding plans and her wedding plans with family.