Let's talk about body love

larrygaga

I am struggling right now. I have talked about my eating disorder here before and I'm more comfortable with you guys than IRL people about these things. Most of the time I'm totally fine with who I am and all is well, but there are times where I just struggle so hard. I still feel horrible for eating things like ice cream, like tonight for example. One of the ways I get past my issues is to look at myself in the mirror and find ten things I like about my body. Sometimes that doesn't work. I hate how vain I am, because I really am smart and I know I have a good personality. FI really doesn't get it, and he's the only person irl I am comfortable enough to talk to him about it. I really would like to wear a bikini on the HM, but I have wavering confidence because I'm not a twig anymore. I want to wear skimpy bikinis for FI, who loves how I look, but I don't want anyone to be like OH LOOK AT THAT FAT GIRL IN THE TINY SWIMSUIT. I really struggle between being the fat bride and rocking my body because I am real person and this is what real people look like. It's really embarrassing how much I worry about this. Like, who the fuck even cares. Right? I am starting to be able to relax when eating in front of people, now. I used to not be able to do it. I would worry they would judge how much I ate. I guess I just need to vent. I feel like the wedding/HM is setting back all my progress because there are so many expectations for women, especially brides. 

IF this isn't a first world white girl problem, then I have no idea what is. 

CMGragain

You need to look at some old master's paintings.  The thin beauty is very new.  The top fashion models of today would have been considered thin and ugly only 100 years ago.  The ideal woman changes constantly.
I used to be pretty damn close to the ideal in 1969, when I graduated high school.  Now I'm a obese old woman with wrinkles and a visible cancer tumor on my face.  My DH just chased me around the hot tub spa.  Yay!  He loves me!
I have known so many men who trade in their wives for newer models.  So what do you want to be?  The newest model that is desired only for her looks?  I don't think so.
I hope you can be as happy in your marriage as we have been in ours.  Yeah, he's fat and bald.  I'm fat, too, with a radiation bald spot on the back of my head.  I wouldn't trade it to be young and thin again.
Nobody cares if you eat the ice cream.  You are loved for who you are, not what you look like.  Enjoy your good health while you have it.  Cancer sucks.
Just think of all the women on the Titanic who let the desert cart pass them by.  I'm sure you will be a beautiful bride.  !


PS.  Tomorrow an old flame is coming to visit us.  He's going to stay the night and be invited to use the hot tub.  He'll get a good look at my old, fat body in a bathing suit.  So what?  He's happily married to a lovely lady. 

holyguacamole79

CMGragain said:

You need to look at some old master's paintings.  The thin beauty is very new.  The top fashion models of today would have been considered thin and ugly only 100 years ago.  The ideal woman changes constantly.
I used to be pretty damn close to the ideal in 1969, when I graduated high school.  Now I'm a obese old woman with wrinkles and a visible cancer tumor on my face.  My DH just chased me around the hot tub spa.  Yay!  He loves me!
I have known so many men who trade in their wives for newer models.  So what do you want to be?  The newest model that is desired only for her looks?  I don't think so.
I hope you can be as happy in your marriage as we have been in ours.  Yeah, he's fat and bald.  I'm fat, too, with a radiation bald spot on the back of my head.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Nobody cares if you eat the ice cream.  You are loved for who you are, not what you look like.  Enjoy your good health while you have it.  Cancer sucks.
Just think of all the women on the Titanic who let the desert cart pass them by.  I'm sure you will be a beautiful bride.

Absolutely without a doubt cancer sucks.  Nobody will ever argue that. 

Mental illnesses such as an eating disorder can suck, too.  I have clinical depression and my sister is an eating disorder survivor.  The biggest insult my mom made to me was to compare my depression to a friend of ours who was dealing with the effects of Chron's disease.  It cut deeply and it implied that my struggle and my pain wasn't real.

I guarantee you that @larrygaga 's pain is real, and I guarantee you that the journey through mental illness can be lonely and scary.  Please don't attempt to diminish it by comparing it to cancer.

larrygaga

holyguacamole79 between your PMs and your message right now, it's everything I needed. You made me cry in a good way. I just need validation. THANK YOUUUU

holyguacamole79

@larrygaga, I'm happy to help.  The journey is hard and painful, and there is redemption in knowing that it is not in vain when you can help someone else through it. 

And always remember that you are beautiful.

CMGragain

I am a lifelong depression sufferer, too.  I wasn't in any way diminishing the OP's struggle.  I was simply trying to encourage her as a beautiful, healthy young person to enjoy her life and focus on the more important things.  I know that eating disorders are NOT logical.  Depression isn't wither. If I had a choice whether or not to cure my cancer or to cure my depression, I would choose to live with the cancer.
Sorry if I was misunderstood.

sophhabobopha

sophhabobopha

I've struggled with depression and body issues and it is so hard. Sending good vibes your way.

holyguacamole79

Thanks for clarifying, @cmgragain.

JCbride2015

Larry-- you are beautiful.

I know hearing us say that won't necessarily help you believe it's true, but it is.

CMGragain

Hey, when my depression was at it's worst, I was thin and gorgeous and absolutely miserable!  Thank God for modern medicine!

charlieyankee03

I'm fairly new here and tend to lurk more than talk, but I have to say something.

I saw your engagement photos the other day and you are beautiful and look so happy. If I saw you on your HM and you were standing in a bikini with your FI, all I would think is how adorable and in love you both look.

Those words may not help, but I think sometimes it's good to know how people who have no stock in our lives see us. And I see you as a beautiful fellow ginger I hope you enjoy your honeymoon!

doeydo

Judging from your e-pics, you are freaking gorgeous.  I can pretty much guarantee you that no one would be staring at or singling you out at a beach for being "fat", but I know that with an eating disorder it is in your head more than anything else.  I mean, you might feel that you'd be comfortable if x part of your body was flat or smaller or whatever, but in reality, your body could be any size and you would probably still struggle with the eating disorder because it is a mental thing.  Sorry, it is early in the morning and I hope this doesn't sound rude or judge-y in any way.  I used to see a therapist for an eating disorder people seemed to think I had when I was a teen.  She used mainly cognitive therapy, it didn't work for me but maybe something like that might help you.

porkchops926

I am in a similar boat. No eating disorder but serious body dysmorphic issues. I've lost 30 lbs in the last few years from changing diet and lifestyle and I still cry when I see myself in the mirror. I agree with doeydo, the problem is your mental state, not your body. I have to tell myself that every day.  (I know, it still doesn't help all that much)

I have depression too, and constantly compare myself to other people in every way finding something that's better about how they look in comparison to me. It's hard to tell yourself you're beautiful and believe it when your brain is wired for self-doubt. I totally feel your pain. 

However, I have to tell myself that many girls feel the same way I (we) do. So stay strong, ladies, we're all in this together.

beethery

CMGragain said:

Hey, when my depression was at it's worst, I was thin and gorgeous and absolutely miserable!  Thank God for modern medicine!

Stop with this, seriously.

Gaga I somewhat know what you're going through, and we both know it's not about vanity. You struggle with an eating disorder, and that does not make you vain at all. Self-acceptance, especially during a rough bout with the ongoing struggle of eating issues is a tough thing to make yourself take part of.

buttercup1958

I've struggled with body issues but not to the same extent as some of you. I'm sorry you feel like this and I'm not sure what I can say to help. But just know that you are an amazing person who deserves happiness and not pain.

climbingsingle

I wish I had some advice. I have struggled with this all of my life too. I bounce back and forth between loving my body and accepting the way that it is, to totally hating the way that I look. I try to tell myself every day that I need to love my body, and be thankful for all it has done for let and continues to let me do. But it's hard. I'll be honest with you - when that troll on A&A called me fat, I was horrified. I spent the next hour looking at all of my wedding pics, judging each one to see if I looked fat. 

*hugs* 

blabla89

Girl. You are definitely NOT fat. We all saw your e-pics and you look beautiful, and you will look beautiful on your wedding day. I know the WIC mostly shows us pictures of ultra-thin women in wedding dresses with perfect hair and makeup, but that isn't how beauty is measured. Those expectations aren't realistic, so don't hold yourself to them.

raissyrais

Maybe not all women fit that mould of what society considers the perfect woman but I know one thing: we are all beautiful in our own ways and we are all unique. And that alone makes each one of us beautiful. I know it's hard to disregard name calling and comments, but in the end, it reflects their own insecurities. We all have them cause we are all humans and we all have faults.

I don't know what it feels like to have weight issues but people would make fun of me enough about my height (I don't fit the supermodel mould you see) that I can be very conscious sometimes that I look like a dwarf. But people will say what they have to say to make themselves feel better. Wear that skimpy bikini girl. Wear it with pride, you have a man who loves you, for everything you are. Enjoy it! 

lurkergirl

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I wish I had some advice. I have struggled with this all of my life too. I bounce back and forth between loving my body and accepting the way that it is, to totally hating the way that I look. I try to tell myself every day that I need to love my body, and be thankful for all it has done for let and continues to let me do. But it's hard. I'll be honest with you - when that troll on A&A called me fat, I was horrified. I spent the next hour looking at all of my wedding pics, judging each one to see if I looked fat. 

*hugs* 

That is super shitty, but try to remember that it's an insult reserved as a last resort for fucking morons who have no real argument.  You are beautiful and definitely not the slightest bit fat.  Like at all.

Same to you, Larry!  I know it can't magically change your own feelings, but you look gorgeous in your e-pics!!

I have been called fat when I was 130lbs and skeletor when I was 110.  They both made feel horrible, but I was never either of those things!  My take-away from it is that I will never, ever please everyone else with my body, so I have to find what make me happy and healthy.

theartistformerlyknownas

I can't tell you how to accept your body because i haven't figured that out yet either, but i can tell you this. Odds are, most of the other women on the beach will be too busy worrying about their own body issues to think that you're fat.

emmaaa

I wish I had all the right words to say and could just reach through the computer to hug you. I haven't suffered from an eating disorder as you have, I can't tell you that I know how you feel, all I can do is support you through this journey. They say that you will never get over an eating disorder, it follows you around, and I can see those effects in your posts.

Society has made use feel like if we don't fit this cookie-cutter image, then we aren't beautiful. First, you are supposed to be a size 2 with long, thin legs, and beautiful long hair. Now, there are songs basically saying you need a huge butt to be attractive. The good thing is that men and women will find other men and women attractive for varying factors, not the stuff that media and society makes up. 

The number on the scale and the number on the tag inside you clothes in no way equate to your value or worth. I'm pleased to know that your FI finds you attractive, just the way you are but am not naive enough to think that takes away your self-doubt. You are beautiful. No matter what size you are, thin or curvy. 

I hope that you see the beauty that we all see when we look at your engagement pictures and love yourself. I know it will always be a struggle but just remember that your FI will always be there for you IRL and we will always be here for you on TK.

novella1186

You are gorgeous! I hope you know that, even when things are tough for you. In college I had a serious medical condition and dropped weight -- there was nothing I could do, I literally almost died and had to take a semester off to be in the hospital-- I ended up weighing about 80 pounds and looked like a skeleton. I was walking down the street on campus one day and someone drove by and screamed "fatty" at me. Seriously. 

Do not worry about anyone judging you in a bikini. Based on your ephotos, if I saw you in one I'd be jealous that you're so gorgeous, and it would never even occur to me to think you were "fat" cuz you're not. And even for girls who are a bigger size, everyone woman deserves to look and feel gorgeous with her body. For the record, Marilyn Monroe was a size 12. For anyone who does judge you, they're clearly really fucking stupid and probably miserable in their own lives. 

larrygaga

You guys are amazing. I knew I wasn't alone here! It feels good to vent. I remember there used to be a thread where we all stated a few things we like about ourselves, and maybe it's time to do that again. 

It's weird, but this website helped me get through a lot of stress over my body, as well. I always wanted to post on it but I haven't been brave enough yet. It just helps to see and talk to women who look normal and also struggle with the same bullshit I do. 

There may or may not be naked women on here, I don't remember. 

http://www.mybodygallery.com/

I also found one about boobs/stretch marks created by women who were nursing/preggo. I am fine with my boobs but I thought that was neat too. 

amelisha

I've been sitting here trying to write a supportive comment and I just can't. But you're not alone. My wedding is making things a lot worse for me too, both because stress brings out my need for control, which in turn makes me restrict my calories, and because feeling fat in a wedding dress is not how I want to spend my wedding day and I keep telling myself that ten pounds would fix that, although I know it never does. Add that to a little entering-the-holiday-season binging and restricting and I am in pretty rough shape right now. So I get it.

I keep reminding myself that my doctor reminds me that eating disorders are closer to anxiety disorders than anything else, and that does help to try to stay relaxed and not use food as a coping strategy, and if I can stay calmer I am less likely to take stuff out on my body and restrict just to feel like I've got something in my life under control. I don't know if that will help you at all but it does for me, a bit.

larrygaga

amelisha said:

I've been sitting here trying to write a supportive comment and I just can't. But you're not alone. My wedding is making things a lot worse for me too, both because stress brings out my need for control, which in turn makes me restrict my calories, and because feeling fat in a wedding dress is not how I want to spend my wedding day and I keep telling myself that ten pounds would fix that, although I know it never does. Add that to a little entering-the-holiday-season binging and restricting and I am in pretty rough shape right now. So I get it.

I keep reminding myself that my doctor reminds me that eating disorders are closer to anxiety disorders than anything else, and that does help to try to stay relaxed and not use food as a coping strategy, and if I can stay calmer I am less likely to take stuff out on my body and restrict just to feel like I've got something in my life under control. I don't know if that will help you at all but it does for me, a bit.

Damn, that couldn't be truer. I could lose 60 pounds (actually, I might die if I lost that much) and still have the same feelings. 

jenna8984

I can't say that I've ever had full blown eating disorder but I definitely have unhealthy issues with food and body image. I grew up in a house with an aerobics instructor mom who would make remarks about anyone over a size 6. We were the kids in school with carrot sticks, and my friends wouldn't come over in high school because we weren't allowed to eat chips or anything watching tv.

That had a huge effect on my life and made me think I always had to have this great, toned body or they wouldn't love me, or nobody else would love me and I'd be a disappointment. This stuck with me in college and all through my 20's. It was a vicious cycle of binging all winter, then being a diet and workout freak all spring so that in the summer in my bathing suit everyone thought I was perfect all the time.

I don't know what clicked in my head in 2014 but this was honestly the first year that I didn't do that. I binged all winter and then I said fuck it. People can see me in a bathing suit for who I really am. I'm not perfect and no one expects me to be. I really think it was due to my husband and just finally realizing I am happy and he loves me for who I am and I don't need anyone else to think I'm perfect. I'll admit it was a little weird and nerve racking going to the beach without my abs for the first time in ever, but I got over it pretty quickly once I noticed no one gave a crap and they were all too concerned about their own appearance.

Don't get down on yourself, you have come a long way in your journey and you should be really proud. It is scary but it will get easier and you will get more comfortable.

birdybride2014

Everyone else has already said good things, so I don't need to be redundant. 

With my wedding around the corner, I totally get you. I literally cannot lose 5 pounds before the wedding, because I know my dress will be too big. Most people would love this, but it is killing me because we have all been trained to always try to be at our smallest for big events. I've gained about 20 pounds since my lowest in high school, following my EDNOS. 

Knowing that other beautiful women go through these same thought processes sometimes helps to remind me that we're better and stronger than these feelings of needing to be "tiny" or be in control. If I think about a beautiful girl, like you, who is battling this then I think, "WOW, she must be crazy, and that must mean that I'm maybe crazy, too! so I should stop caring and just try to live a healthy life style!". It's a bit of a stretch, but sometimes that helps me. 

Hugs! You aren't alone. And I hope you are able to find healthy ways to feel good in your skin again  

theartistformerlyknownas

novella1186

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I wish I had some advice. I have struggled with this all of my life too. I bounce back and forth between loving my body and accepting the way that it is, to totally hating the way that I look. I try to tell myself every day that I need to love my body, and be thankful for all it has done for let and continues to let me do. But it's hard. I'll be honest with you - when that troll on A&A called me fat, I was horrified. I spent the next hour looking at all of my wedding pics, judging each one to see if I looked fat. 

*hugs* 

I probably would have had exactly the same reaction as you to that mean comment, and I'm sorry someone said that to you. When you first put your wedding pictures up I looked at them a few times and thought "I hope I look that amazing at my wedding." Seriously, you look gorgeous and curvy and beautiful. Not fat. I wish hateful people and their nasty comments didn't impact us the way they do. Makes me sad to read stuff like this. 

pinkcow13

raissyrais said:

Maybe not all women fit that mould of what society considers the perfect woman but I know one thing: we are all beautiful in our own ways and we are all unique. And that alone makes each one of us beautiful. I know it's hard to disregard name calling and comments, but in the end, it reflects their own insecurities. We all have them cause we are all humans and we all have faults.

I don't know what it feels like to have weight issues but people would make fun of me enough about my height (I don't fit the supermodel mould you see) that I can be very conscious sometimes that I look like a dwarf. But people will say what they have to say to make themselves feel better. Wear that skimpy bikini girl. Wear it with pride, you have a man who loves you, for everything you are. Enjoy it! 

How tall are you dress twinie? I am 4 11 1/2 and I used to get the short jokes my entire life. Now I just brush them away. People say to me all the time "Oh wow I didn't know you were that short!" Or "How tall are you, really?" "Did you know you could have gotten a scholarship for college for being under 5 feet?" Now I just reply back with really snarky replies. When I was younger, the comments stung. Now I learned to accept my height, and I quite like it. The best things come in small packages

Gaga, I have also struggled with body issues my whole life. Since I am so small, any weight gain is very noticeable. Right now I am feeling crappy about my body and I am trying to get back to a comfortable weight. I also hate how vain I feel about my body sometimes. It doesn't help that my mom and sometimes my dad  ALWAYS has something to say about my weight. One of FI's aunt is the same way. And it pisses me off, who the fuck gives ANYONE the right to comment about MY body. I feel that this is why I used to struggle with my body image, because people were too invested in what they felt the ideal body should be. I will never forget how my dad once asked me if I was pregnant because my stomach looked so big.

I also have cellulite which I hate. But I try to put things in perspective. FI has never complained about my cellulite nor has he ever complained about my body. And really, he's the one I get undressed for, so wtf cares what outsiders think?