Ugh.

JCbride2015

I know I am at a great stage of my life right now and I'm probably being selfish-- but damn, I am grumpy today.  Need to vent a little and I don't want to talk about this with IRL friends and create gossip.

One of my best friends moved from VA to NYC this summer.  I went down to VA and stayed three nights with her, helped her pack, loaded the truck, and helped her drive and move.  She also just graduated law school (different school).  We are very close and I'm so excited she's local now.  

For the last several weeks, she has been promising to come help us move this weekend.  We've had specific discussions about how she will pack up the kitchen boxes while Fi and I deal with closets etc.  She has said she'd stay over Friday (tonight) and help on Saturday as well.

Well, she failed the bar.  I feel terrible.  She's been venting to me all week.  I'm giving her all my study outlines.

She stopped responding to texts today, and then finally texted me as I was leaving after a VERY stressful day at work that she just doesn't want to be around people right now and she's not coming to help.  I didn't really know how to respond without being a bitch so I just said something to the effect of Fi has been trying to do it on his own and "he's a mess."  Then she replies, "Just throw it all in trash bags.  At least you don't have to take the bar again."

I'm angry.  And I feel selfish and bitchy for being angry.  I get that failing the bar is fucking horrible.  But so is bailing on your friend when she's counting on you to move.  I still haven't responded to her last text.

I also had a crazy day at work today and it turns out I need to work both days this weekend.  So I don't get a weekend.  And Fi is, um, not so efficient at doing things by himself.  So right now we have a ton go shit to do and I'm about to lose my mind.

In good news though, our new place is gorgeous.  I can't wait until I have a single day on a weekend NOT full of work to actually set it up.

ETA: I know we always say on TK things aren't tit for tat.  I considered erasing the shit about me helping her for that reason.  But fact is, it still affects how I feel.  I'll own that.

AddieCake

I would be upset, too. Yeah, it sucks for her, and I get that she is depressed, but she made a commitment and should honor it. Her failing the bar and moping doesn't get you moved in, you know? Her "at least xyz" doesn't change that you need and planned on her help.

CMGragain

JCbride2015 said:

I know I am at a great stage of my life right now and I'm probably being selfish-- but damn, I am grumpy today.  Need to vent a little and I don't want to talk about this with IRL friends and create gossip.

One of my best friends moved from VA to NYC this summer.  I went down to VA and stayed three nights with her, helped her pack, loaded the truck, and helped her drive and move.  She also just graduated law school (different school).  We are very close and I'm so excited she's local now.  

For the last several weeks, she has been promising to come help us move this weekend.  We've had specific discussions about how she will pack up the kitchen boxes while Fi and I deal with closets etc.  She has said she'd stay over Friday (tonight) and help on Saturday as well.

Well, she failed the bar.  I feel terrible.  She's been venting to me all week.  I'm giving her all my study outlines.

She stopped responding to texts today, and then finally texted me as I was leaving after a VERY stressful day at work that she just doesn't want to be around people right now and she's not coming to help.  I didn't really know how to respond without being a bitch so I just said something to the effect of Fi has been trying to do it on his own and "he's a mess."  Then she replies, "Just throw it all in trash bags.  At least you don't have to take the bar again."

I'm angry.  And I feel selfish and bitchy for being angry.  I get that failing the bar is fucking horrible.  But so is bailing on your friend when she's counting on you to move.  I still haven't responded to her last text.

I also had a crazy day at work today and it turns out I need to work both days this weekend.  So I don't get a weekend.  And Fi is, um, not so efficient at doing things by himself.  So right now we have a ton go shit to do and I'm about to lose my mind.

In good news though, our new place is gorgeous.  I can't wait until I have a single day on a weekend NOT full of work to actually set it up.

ETA: I know we always say on TK things aren't tit for tat.  I considered erasing the shit about me helping her for that reason.  But fact is, it still affects how I feel.  I'll own that.

I'm hoping that by tomorrow you can cut your friend some slack.  That is a terrible disappointment, and I understand why she didn't feel up to helping you.  You need to forgive and forget.

Sugargirl1019

Hugs to you and hugs to her. It's disappointing to be let down by a friend. I would have to say let her mope and if you're feeling better, offer to be there for her.

And vent all you want to us. We won't tell.

levioosa

I would be upset too.  This sucks all around.  It's also a little passive aggressive to throw failing the bar at you, but I'm guessing she is jealous and doesn't want it thrown back in her face (which of course you would never do, but just seeing you might be upsetting to her). 

As far as FI goes, would it help if you made a very clear list of what needs to be done so he had direction?  That way at least something would get done while you are work.  

*hugs*

ohannabelle

Yep, you needed help and she let you down. And you're way too busy and stressed and have a hell of a lot to deal with.

So be pissed, and vent away, and when you're not as worn to the bone stressed, you'll forgive her. Because she's stressed and bitterly unhappy and people don't always behave well when they're miserable. 

(When I tell people I just can't be around anyone right now, it's usually a wise move. They should send me thank you notes.)  

LabLove86

I would 100% be annoyed in your shoes. I would also feel selfish and petty, but still be annoyed.

It will eventually be water under the bridge. Maybe she'll feel better tomorrow and be able to help you then. 

I always find physical work therapeutic if I'm in a funk anyway - get my mind off of whatever is bothering me; plus it doesn't let me wallow in self pity (Not gonna lie - sometimes I like to wallow. . . . depending on the reason). Just my $.02

ETF - word choice

VulgarGirl

I'm at dinner right now with an attorney that had to take the bar 3 times before passing. He said "yeah it fucking sucks especially when it seems everyone else has passed. But bailing on people depending on you sucks too...especially if they can help you study later....After all the drinking".

I can get not wanting to be around people. But ya kknow I would have at least been like "look girl I'm shitty right now I'm gonna come over for a few hours then I gotta go home and drink and wallow alone" so at least you'd get some help.

huskypuppy14

I understand being annoyed, I'd be annoyed too.  And moving sucks!

However, your friend is hurting right now for understandable reasons. If this were your wedding and she bailed on helping with invitations (for example) we would all say that you and your FI are the only ones responsible for that. I think it's the same thing, you and your FI are responsible for moving yourself. 

I understand she said she'd help, and you helped her move, but I think you need to give her some slack.

Where is your sister? Isn't she leaving with you too? Why can't she help. Why didn't you hire movers if you knew/thought you would be busy?

theartistformerlyknownas

Ugh yeah I would be annoyed too, and feel like she was taking it out on me for passing when she didn't. I'm sorry. But I agree, give yourself 24 hours to be pissed, then let it go because you know it's not about you.

I wish I could help! I'm a great packer!

jdluvr06

I understand her being disappointed but bailing on her commitments and taking it out on her friends is not ok. Honestly I would be more annoyed with her snarky comment than her bailing on helping out.

huskypuppy14

jdluvr06 said:

I understand her being disappointed but bailing on her commitments and taking it out on her friends is not ok. Honestly I would be more annoyed with her snarky comment than her bailing on helping out.

Good point! I agree. That was uncalled for.

JCbride2015

My sister helped Fi all day today. She's out at a Halloween party right now. She also isn't moving in until later this month-- everything we're moving right now is our own.

I absolutely will forgive my friend and I know this will be water under the bridge. It's not the end of the world, just an annoyance on top of other annoying things, KWIM?

And to play Devils advocate, @huskypuppy14‌: we would say you shouldn't ask or expect others to help you. She offered on her own spontaneously and then brought it up a few times. I figured I could rely on her. Again, we will get it all done and it will work out so we aren't totally screwed. But I figured it was safe to count on her.

Cookie Pusher

@JCBride2015 - I have a few hours free on Sunday if you guys need me to come over and help move stuff. DH is on marathon duty, so he won't be home until late afternoon.

JCbride2015

Cookie Pusher said:

@JCBride2015 - I have a few hours free on Sunday if you guys need me to come over and help move stuff. DH is on marathon duty, so he won't be home until late afternoon.

You're the best. I'll text you. Thank you!!!!!!<br>

FSIL is running in the marathon. We were planning to stop by there around the time she crosses the finish line so we'll have to figure it out.

larrygaga

I would assume she didn't want to be around someone who succeeded at what she failed at. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and find someone else to help!!!!

Cookie Pusher

JCbride2015 said:

@JCBride2015 - I have a few hours free on Sunday if you guys need me to come over and help move stuff. DH is on marathon duty, so he won't be home until late afternoon.

You're the best. I'll text you. Thank you!!!!!!
FSIL is running in the marathon. We were planning to stop by there around the time she crosses the finish line so we'll have to figure it out.

Cool, we'll figure it out. I'm pretty good at packing and moving!

pinkcow13

Cookie Pusher said:

JCbride2015 said:

Cookie Pusher said:

@JCBride2015 - I have a few hours free on Sunday if you guys need me to come over and help move stuff. DH is on marathon duty, so he won't be home until late afternoon.

You're the best. I'll text you. Thank you!!!!!!


FSIL is running in the marathon. We were planning to stop by there around the time she crosses the finish line so we'll have to figure it out.

Cool, we'll figure it out. I'm pretty good at packing and moving!

I was gonna text you about tacos and drinks, but I'm free tomorrow too. I'm down to help also

AddieCake

I disagree that this is like "plan your wedding yourself." With that logic, nobody should ever have to honor their commitments about anything they agree to help with. Oh, I said I'd come help at your garage sale? Sorry. Changed my mind, and that's your responsibility, anyway. Yeah, not gonna come feed your dog while you're away after all. Had a bad week, so not feeling it, and it's your dog to care for anyway. Etc.

CrazyCatLady3

larrygaga said:

I would assume she didn't want to be around someone who succeeded at what she failed at. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and find someone else to help!!!!

this.  if you're really in a bind there are moving companies who will do the packing for you.  sorry you're so swamped at work already though.

banana468

The passive aggressive me would want to respond with "It looks like I can put passing the bar and honoring commitments on my list..."

You have every right to be upset IMO. Sure it sucks for her but that doesn't mean that she gets to be selfish without consequences either.

holyguacamole79

If I was closer, I'd come help!

sophhabobopha

Yeah I'd be pissed. I get that she's upset, but she shouldn't blame you for passing.

JCbride2015

AddieCake said:

I disagree that this is like "plan your wedding yourself." With that logic, nobody should ever have to honor their commitments about anything they agree to help with. Oh, I said I'd come help at your garage sale? Sorry. Changed my mind, and that's your responsibility, anyway. Yeah, not gonna come feed your dog while you're away after all. Had a bad week, so not feeling it, and it's your dog to care for anyway. Etc.

Yeah this is how I feel about it.  Of course I'll get over it.  But this is about honoring commitments.

JCbride2015

@Cookie Pusher and @PinkCow13 to the rescue!!!!  You guys are awesome.  Hopefully tomorrow Fi will have everything physically moved into the new apartment and we just get to do the fun unpacking stuff.

Cookie Pusher

JCbride2015 said:

@Cookie Pusher and @PinkCow13 to the rescue!!!!  You guys are awesome.  Hopefully tomorrow Fi will have everything physically moved into the new apartment and we just get to do the fun unpacking stuff.

Hey, it's what you do for your friends! DH and I managed to mostly move ourselves into our current place 8 years ago (FIL helped with moving some of the furniture because it was simply too large for me to help). It was a bitch and a half, and we're pretty sure we're just going to hire movers when we finally buy a house!

KatieinBkln

Ugh, I am so sorry! I'd be pissed as hell too. Personally, I do a lot better when I've suffered a big disappointment when I distract myself, so I would be the one who throws herself into helping her friend move, but I understand everyone isn't like that.

Be pissed at her now. Forgive her later.

Sorry I didn't see this sooner or I would have hoofed it to NJ to help instead of day-drinking and watching Wisconsin SPANK Rutgers...I'm glad your sister, @Pinkcow13 and @CookiePusher are around to save the day!

Edited because people insist on having fucking numbers in their screen names and don't they know I'VE BEEN DAY DRINKING?

Cookie Pusher

Dude, it took me FIVE HOURS to change my closet over. I've decided that we are never moving. If it takes me this long just to sort out one room of our apartment, we're screwed when we have to do the entire place.

JCbride2015

Cookie Pusher said:

Dude, it took me FIVE HOURS to change my closet over. I've decided that we are never moving. If it takes me this long just to sort out one room of our apartment, we're screwed when we have to do the entire place.

It looks like a tornado hit the old apartment. But on the bright side, I fit all my hanging clothes on one luggage dolly! And now all I can see is the empty spaces in my new ALL MINE closet and wanna go shopping. Fi told me to fill up the closet. He is such an enabler.

Cookie Pusher

Do you want me to bring a hand truck? Not surprisingly, we own a few of them. lol

arrippa

The mature thing to do is to get her some slack but I am not that mature. I would be upset if a friend went back on her promise and did it in an insulting, patronizing way.Ugh is right. I hope the move goes smoothly.