Wedding Party

My bridesmaid is trying to steal my spotlight

My bridesmaid has been my friend for over 10 years. Let's call her Jess. Well 4 years ago Jess got engaged and always said she didn't want to get married because she wasn't sure if he was the one (He has some issues & isnt such a great person) And she also said that a wedding was too expensive and she wasn't ready to get married. So in June I got engaged and 2 months ago started wedding planning. When I let my friends (bridesmaids) know how excited i was to start looking at halls. Jess started asking a million questions and tried to steer me away from certain halls because "she wanted those halls" if she ever wanted to have a wedding. I laughed it off just thinking she was kidding. Well two weeks into my planning, and booking a hall, Jess announces that she is wedding planning now and looking for halls? I said ok. I was happy for her but i kind of felt like she was only doing it because i was. To make a long story short, everything that i did planning wise she would ask and then copy. (save the dates, etc) Well one day shopping in a dress shop for a friends party with Jess and my sister, there was a wedding dress section in it. They convinced me to try on a dress that had feathers on it (Because they knew i've always wanted a dress with feathers on it forever) I tried it on and LOVED IT! The girls said it looked awesome and that i should get it, but since it was the first dress, i said I wanted to look around more. Well, after many discussions telling the girls i wanted the feather dress because it was so different and I wanted to be remembered and unique. They agreed. Well a few days later what does jess text me? "Hey, you're going to hate me but I'm getting a wedding dress with feathers." I couldn't believe it, after telling me that she hated feathers before and knowing my want to be different with a feather dress why would she go and do that? I told her how i felt about it in a nice way and that it would upset me. And she didn't respond for 3 days. She still hasn't said that she wont do it. She's just not talking about her dress now. I think she already ordered it and doesnt want to tell me. Then everyone ive been asking advice from says to not care and "your wedding is before hers. Your dress will look nicer, its not a big deal, etc." Am I over reacting? She knows how i felt about it, she hated feathers, and now she is getting one? I feel like she is trying to steal my spotlight and is jealous so she is trying to ruin the excitement of my wedding day. I hate thinking this of a friend and i'm the furthest thing from a bridezilla. Does anyone think I have a right to be upset?

Re: My bridesmaid is trying to steal my spotlight

  • I would involve your friend as little as possible in your wedding planning process.  Keep your plans to yourself (and your fiance). This is your day, and you need to focus on what will make you and your fiance happy.  I have a friend who likes to throw in her two cents now and again and now when she asks questions about music choices or anything, I just tell her it's a surprise.  Get the dress you love and if she copies you- that's her problem.  It sounds like she is more interested in planning a party than getting married.  She's the one who is now going to spend tons of money on something she isn't sure about.  

    I totally understand why you would be upset, but at the same time, you involved her in planning your wedding and allowed her to sway your decisions.  You should just do what you want- it's your wedding, not hers.
  • You have a right to be annoyed by her behavior. I would be. But you also should try to let it go. No one gets a right to dictate someone else's wedding. She was wrong (and kind of crazy) to tell you that certain venues were off limits to you because she might want them. And you can't demand that she not get a feather dress, because it's HER dress for HER wedding and she can wear whatever she wants. 

    I agree with PPs. You absolutely need to stop talking to her about wedding details. She can't steal everything if she doesn't know about it. When she asks just say "we haven't decided yet" or "I want it to be a surprise!" and then change the subject. 

    If she wants to act crazy, let her. She's only making herself look bad. But if you let it upset you or act out about it, or yell at her about it, or demand that she not buy the dress she wants, then you're making yourself look bad. Take the high road and ignore her shennanigans. 
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    OP, let this gif be your mantra:

    Is she being annoying and going a little nuts?  Yep.  Is it frustrating that she is choosing a wedding dress with same unique features as yours?  Yep. 

    You really can't do much about it.

    I went to 12 weddings in 2 years (including my own).  If two brides wore the same dress during that time period, I probably wouldn't have noticed much or would have noticed for maybe 3 seconds and then forgotten about it.  Chances are, your friends and family might notice it, raise an eyebrow, comment to each other, and then continue enjoying the day.

    And I'd also stop sharing wedding details with her, too. 
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This sounds like such high school bullshit drama.  Just stop discussing your wedding details with her. Yes, you have a right to be upset but you need to take a day to be pissed, have a few drinks, complain to your FI, and then get over it.
    This is exactly what I was thinking when I was reading your post. HS drama. 

    Is what she's doing annoying? Yes. But honestly, rise above it. Don't let it bother you. Who fucking cares? It's one day, and at the end of that day, you'll be married to someone you love. And that's all that matters the most. 

  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Ditto PPs, stop talking to her about your wedding! Sure all of this is annoying, but you won't even care about it on your wedding day. Also, if you have some of the same guests, I doubt that anyone will remember the little details she is copying when they get to your wedding.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Just stop sharing wedding details.  If she asks, just tell her that you haven't settled on any details, and then change the subject.

  • I can't see how it would really matter anyway.  Are you having that many guests in common?  Sounds like she is pushing for a wedding for all the wrong reasons.  If she has no control over her actions, you certainly don't either.  Enjoy your engagement and forget about anything that anybody else does.  Even if she has the same exact gown, it cannot possibly look the same or have the same effect on two different ladies.
  • My guess is her odds of actually having a wedding are between negative one and zero, so I wouldn't even dwell on any of this.  It sounds like your being excited about your wedding got her all wound up, but she will fade again just as fast.  Though, like other PPs said, stop the detail sharing, JIC.

    Me-->Not understanding being engaged to someone for four years that I am "not sure about".

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  • Stop sharing details with her.  Simple as that.

    But seriously, this all sounds ridiculous.  No one can "steal your spotlight."  It's your wedding, the focus is on you and your fiance.  You will get ONE day to celebrate, as will she.  

    You can't control her behavior, you can only control your own so stop sharing with her and stop letting her actions bother you.

  • Echoing the PPs.  Stop sharing any wedding details with her, and just focus on your wedding planning.
  • Has she actually set a date, put down deposits, etc? Or is she just "totally planning a wedding too guysss!" and trying to call dibs without actually solidifying anything? You said she copied your Save the Dates - did she really send them, or just say those were the ones she was going to order? If there is a real wedding approaching, is it before or after yours? If it's after you have zilch to worry about, because she can't retroactively steal your thunder, and she'll just look like a copycat to any mutual friends. If it's before, stop giving her details, or give her fake ones. If there's just no real date yet... don't worry. 90% of the women on Pinterest "planned their weddings;" doesn't make any of  it real.

  • Take it as a compliment, she loves your style!

    But seriously, she is being a weirdo. However, you get one day, she gets hers. She's not going to steal your day. Guests at the two weddings probably won't even notice similarities, but if they do it will be clear that SHE was copying YOU!

    Ignore her, stop giving her tips, and have a blast wedding planning!

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited November 2014
    From now on, if she asks you questions about your wedding plan specifics, tell her in a light tone of voice something like "Sorry, Jess, I'm out of ideas" or "Sorry, Jess, FI and I haven't decided yet" or "Sorry, Jess, I only have the time and money to plan one wedding-my own." Lather, rinse, repeat.
    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLostKnottie12379372
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Stop talking to her about your wedding. I'd be pissed at her, too.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
  • This is really simple.  Absurdly simple.

    1) Stop caring about her wedding planning.  If she's been engaged for four years, it's not like she's going to actually write the checks and follow through on half, if not the majority, of what she's talking about.  By the time she does, she'll have someone new to copy and more reasons to delay.

    2) Stop telling her your plans. She can't copy or meddle if you don't tell her.  

    Aaaannndd....paragraphs are your friend.
  • Unless she wears her feathered wedding dress to your wedding, I don't think she is trying to steal your spotlight. She is being a copy-cat, but so what? If you were so upset about being copied, you'd stop sending her pictures of your stationary, lists of halls, and all the other details.
  • I'understand how you feel. I'd just live your dream wedding as you envision and tune out that noise. I agree If she asked you for details you should act coy. Either way your wedding will be channel and hers will be a canal street knock off.
  • You have a right to be upset. Go ahead & get whatever dress you want & do whatever you want for your wedding. Going forward the only things I would discuss about your wedding with her & probably others as so they don't accidentially leak the details to her are things pertaining to the BM dress, details about the rehersal dinner & the day of the wedding schedule and any other details that impact her directly. If she asks anything, just say, "I'm trying to keep certain things a surprise for everyone else for the day of the wedding, hope you understand" She may still use a lot of the same ideas you are, but it's better if you don't find out until after you wedding what she's doing.
  • HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear Arkham Asylum member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Honestly I'd be annoyed too.  Not because being "Upstaged" is really a concern- Where I work we get copied ALL THE TIME by competitors.  They literally steal the names of our classes and do the exact same things, we've had people COPY AND PASTE our class descriptions onto their own websites. But we're the ones people keep going back to, and so far two businesses that have copied us, have since gone under while we're still thriving.  The original outshines the copy. 

    But I'd be annoyed because I just find the act of copying others extremely annoying- I was the "Smart kid" in high school (Although by their standards smart kid pretty much just meant the one who shut the fuck up during class so I actually learned.)  I always hated group work because I did all the work and they'd just copy my answers.  Every time.  It wasn't annoying because what they did had any affect on me, my grades would be the same regardless of wether or not they copied off me, but it was the principle of it that irritated the absolute shit out of me.  Why should I do all the work while you just sit on your ass?  Why should you get credit for MY work?  Why should you just get away with contributing nothing?  I feel it relates with planning- Why should you be doing all the work figuring out all these things, and she just gets to be lazy and copy?  I mean seriously, come up with your own friggin ideas.

    Eventually I got so fed up with people copying my work, I would just pretend I didn't know what any of the answers were, and just not do my work for most of the class, forcing them to figure it out amongst themselves.  Then in the last 5-10 minutes of class, I'd quickly fill in my answers, and I'd turn in my work.  I'd get my A, they would turn in crap and get a C or D.  

    I suggest  a similar solution for you- don't share any details with your friend.  Keep it all a secret, forcing her to actually come up with her own ideas and do her own planning.  
  • Whyyyyyyy? It I were you, she'd be so out of the loop regarding details that she'd annoy her way right out of my bridal party. Geez. wtf is wrong with this girl? She's the one who's having issues with her crappy FI & decided to postpone their wedding IF they should even marry. She needs to calm ALL the way down & have a seat....and maybe a Xanax too
  • as i have learned from other posts and the issues along the way..... DO NOT SHARE INFORMATION WITH HER. that being said i have not said much else about my wedding to anyone besides who have a say in what we do (ex: parents) my cousin would copy a lot of what i would want to do so i dont post about anything on it or talk to anyone about it.
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