What to do about bridesmaid..

alyssanicole18

So one of my bridesmaids is a friend I've had since high school. We've remained close after all these years. Recently she just started disappearing off the face of the planet. She isn't responded to texts (I believe her phone is off) and when I fianlly do get ahold of her she just gives me weird stories about why her phone isn't working. We're going to look at bridesmaid dresses in two weeks and I asked her what her schedule was like so we could plan which day would work best with everyone. It took her over a week to respond and she basically said she quit her job and didn't care and gave me someone's number to "get in touch" with her "if" I needed her. She's known about us going shopping that week for 5 months, so it's not a sudden thing. I just don't know how to go about talking to her. If she doesn't want to be in the wedding she won't hurt my feelings in any way. I'm not gonna ask someone else to take her spot because that's rude. I'm just concerned with her dropping out like a day before the wedding (she did this to one of her other friends, so she claims). I don't wanna hurt her feelings or imply anything. But I feel like for one She can't afford the dress at this time, considering she is job and phone less.

OliveOilsMom

alyssanicole18 said:

So one of my bridesmaids is a friend I've had since high school. We've remained close after all these years. Recently she just started disappearing off the face of the planet. She isn't responded to texts (I believe her phone is off) and when I fianlly do get ahold of her she just gives me weird stories about why her phone isn't working. We're going to look at bridesmaid dresses in two weeks and I asked her what her schedule was like so we could plan which day would work best with everyone. It took her over a week to respond and she basically said she quit her job and didn't care and gave me someone's number to "get in touch" with her "if" I needed her. She's known about us going shopping that week for 5 months, so it's not a sudden thing. I just don't know how to go about talking to her. If she doesn't want to be in the wedding she won't hurt my feelings in any way. I'm not gonna ask someone else to take her spot because that's rude. I'm just concerned with her dropping out like a day before the wedding (she did this to one of her other friends, so she claims). I don't wanna hurt her feelings or imply anything. But I feel like for one She can't afford the dress at this time, considering she is job and phone less.

Take your wedding out of the equation.  Your friend has just lost her job and her phone has been shut off.  Her life is probably spiraling out of control on her and you are worried about her purchasing a dress.  Reach out to your friend again and see what you can do to help her.

When is your wedding?  Can you put off purchasing BM dresses until she can get back on her feet?  Perhaps go an alternate route on dresses and giving all your girls parameters to get their own dresses.  If you select a black dress, it may be something she already has in her closet.

If the worse happens and she just doesn't show up to your wedding (without a justifiable reason), you just move on.  You will still marry your Best Friends that day!  It will also show you that she doesn't value your friendship as much as you do.  So you just move on in your life without her.

mikenberger

Reach out to her as her friend. She was your friend long before she was your bridesmaid. Talk to her about what's going on and see what you can do to help. It might be really embarassing for her and she just needs someone to take that first step to talk to her.

Maggie0829

So you are worried about bridesmaid dress shopping but not the fact that your friend has recently started acting not like herself by "disappearing", has lost her job and her phone has been shut off. Really?  How about worrying about your friend and putting your wedding on the back burner.

alyssanicole18

OliveOilsMom said:

alyssanicole18 said:

So one of my bridesmaids is a friend I've had since high school. We've remained close after all these years. Recently she just started disappearing off the face of the planet. She isn't responded to texts (I believe her phone is off) and when I fianlly do get ahold of her she just gives me weird stories about why her phone isn't working. We're going to look at bridesmaid dresses in two weeks and I asked her what her schedule was like so we could plan which day would work best with everyone. It took her over a week to respond and she basically said she quit her job and didn't care and gave me someone's number to "get in touch" with her "if" I needed her. She's known about us going shopping that week for 5 months, so it's not a sudden thing. I just don't know how to go about talking to her. If she doesn't want to be in the wedding she won't hurt my feelings in any way. I'm not gonna ask someone else to take her spot because that's rude. I'm just concerned with her dropping out like a day before the wedding (she did this to one of her other friends, so she claims). I don't wanna hurt her feelings or imply anything. But I feel like for one She can't afford the dress at this time, considering she is job and phone less.

Take your wedding out of the equation.  Your friend has just lost her job and her phone has been shut off.  Her life is probably spiraling out of control on her and you are worried about her purchasing a dress.  Reach out to your friend again and see what you can do to help her.

When is your wedding?  Can you put off purchasing BM dresses until she can get back on her feet?  Perhaps go an alternate route on dresses and giving all your girls parameters to get their own dresses.  If you select a black dress, it may be something she already has in her closet.

If the worse happens and she just doesn't show up to your wedding (without a justifiable reason), you just move on.  You will still marry your Best Friends that day!  It will also show you that she doesn't value your friendship as much as you do.  So you just move on in your life without her.

She didn't lose her job she quit, so she can spend more time with her bf. That's an entire situation that boggles my mind, but it's her life so I don't pass judgement. The phone issue is constant with her, she is one of those who has a new number every few months. So this isn't something she's not used to, it's normal for her. Regardless of how she choses to live her life, she's still someone who has been there for me. I asked her the first time I reached out to her about a month ago if everything was ok and if she needed anything and she read it and never replied.

My wedding is in May so yss there's time. But one of my BMs, actually my MOH lives in Florida and they don't have an Alfred Angelo. That's why I discussed it with my BMs months ago to make sure she came at a good time for everyone. Everyone agreed and no one had issues. Yes things can come up and that's fine I undestand, but atleast say something. at that time we decided on a price limit and etc so that everyone was comfortable. We had talked about everyone doing different dresses as long as it was same color, and fabric. But I have quite a few girls that now want the same dress and at this point if they all like it then we're gonna settle on one dress.

I'm just more worried about paying for things for her and her not showing up. Money is tight for me just as much, and I'm using the money I do have to pay for everything besides their dresses. I just want her to be straight up and I won't have hard feelings.

alyssanicole18

Maggie0829 said:

So you are worried about bridesmaid dress shopping but not the fact that your friend has recently started acting not like herself by "disappearing", has lost her job and her phone has been shut off. Really?  How about worrying about your friend and putting your wedding on the back burner.

She didn't lose her job, she quit to spend more time with her bf while he gets his GED. The phone thing is normal, she changes phone companies every few months cause she doesn't pay the bill. These are normal every day things in her life. If it wasn't I'd be super concerned. But since I've seen this happen maybe 6 times in the 8 years we've been friends im used to it at this point.

jacques27

So, you've known this about her all along and you still asked her to be in your wedding.  You've known for 8 years that she habitually doesn't pay her bills, resulting in her getting a new phone number every few months and you thought magically she won't be a flake when it comes to buying a dress for your wedding all of a sudden and asked her anyway. 

I really don't get what there is to do or what your question is.  You knew all of these things about her and asked her anyway.  So, you find out her budget for a dress.  If she shows up dress shopping, great.  If she doesn't, then everyone else picks out a dress making sure it's in her budget.  Then you tell her which dress they all picked and give her details on how to order it.  If she buys the dress and shows up at your wedding, great.  If she flakes out the day before, then so be it - you already said you don't plan on replacing her so other than being a minor disappointment and maybe a quick last minute shuffling of the processional and recessional it's not that big of a deal.  And even though money is tight, you were planning on her being there and presumably worked that into your budget so the money is technically there - it's the risk you take when you ask a friend you know is a flake to be in your wedding.  Keep your receipts and return as much as you can if it ends up going unused because she flakes out.

That's pretty much all you can do.  You knew what you were getting and you asked anyway.  You can't unask.

alyssanicole18

And now to make the situation better, my future MIL told my fiancé today we need to find out what the deal is for her, and one of the groomsmen (my fiancés brother of course...) because she is not paying for them for them to decide not to show up. I really don't want to upset her by asking her point blank but I feel like I'm running out of options.

Maggie0829

alyssanicole18 said:

So you are worried about bridesmaid dress shopping but not the fact that your friend has recently started acting not like herself by "disappearing", has lost her job and her phone has been shut off. Really?  How about worrying about your friend and putting your wedding on the back burner.

She didn't lose her job, she quit to spend more time with her bf while he gets his GED. The phone thing is normal, she changes phone companies every few months cause she doesn't pay the bill. These are normal every day things in her life. If it wasn't I'd be super concerned. But since I've seen this happen maybe 6 times in the 8 years we've been friends im used to it at this point.

Then why are you all of a sudden concerned?  Because she may drop out or not show up?  Well shit happens.  If this is how she always has been then why in the world do you think she was going to change just because you are getting married and she is one of your BMs?  You picked her knowing how she is.  If she can't make the dress shopping trip then oh well.  Find out her budget and make sure to pick a dress that fits within that.  Then tell her the dress that was picked and if she buys it she buys it.  If she doesn't, she doesn't.  But you picked this girl because you have been good friends for a long time and that should trump a dress.

alyssanicole18

jacques27 said:

So, you've known this about her all along and you still asked her to be in your wedding.  You've known for 8 years that she habitually doesn't pay her bills, resulting in her getting a new phone number every few months and you thought magically she won't be a flake when it comes to buying a dress for your wedding all of a sudden and asked her anyway. 

I really don't get what there is to do or what your question is.  You knew all of these things about her and asked her anyway.  So, you find out her budget for a dress.  If she shows up dress shopping, great.  If she doesn't, then everyone else picks out a dress making sure it's in her budget.  Then you tell her which dress they all picked and give her details on how to order it.  If she buys the dress and shows up at your wedding, great.  If she flakes out the day before, then so be it - you already said you don't plan on replacing her so other than being a minor disappointment and maybe a quick last minute shuffling of the processional and recessional it's not that big of a deal.  And even though money is tight, you were planning on her being there and presumably worked that into your budget so the money is technically there - it's the risk you take when you ask a friend you know is a flake to be in your wedding.  Keep your receipts and return as much as you can if it ends up going unused because she flakes out.

That's pretty much all you can do.  You knew what you were getting and you asked anyway.  You can't unask.

How my friend choices to live her life isn't of concern to me. Not everyone is the same, unfortunately I have friends that maybe aren't as mature as I am. But I don't decide to not be friends with them because of this. It's their life doesn't effect mine. When you agree to be a bridesmaid you know there is a cost involved. She's been in other friends weddings no problem.

I guess I'll just go as if she's not in the wedding at this point. I can't make the other bridesmaids change their plans, etc off one person. If she decides at a later date she wants involved she can go buy a dress.

mikenberger

Sounds like you are looking for us to tell you "Absolutely! She's a flake. Rid yourself of her immediately."

Doesn't work that way. You knew her tendencies long before you asked her to be a bridesmaid. Should've thought of that before.

alyssanicole18

mikenberger said:

Sounds like you are looking for us to tell you "Absolutely! She's a flake. Rid yourself of her immediately."

Doesn't work that way. You knew her tendencies long before you asked her to be a bridesmaid. Should've thought of that before.

Nope not at all, I don't wanna get rid of her at all! I'd never unask someone to be in my wedding, that's very rude. I just don't know how to go about talking to her without hurting her feelings. I just wanna know if she is maybe has had a change of heart. Once again I have friends who live their lives way different than I do, but I don't stop talking to them because of that. I know 100% how she is, but she's always been there for me and is a very good friend regardless of the choices she makes. Of course I'm gonna ask her to be in my wedding. Like I said if she doesn't wanna be in the wedding that's fine, I won't have any hard feelings at all! I just want to know that's all.

alyssanicole18

I have no problem paying for the dress if that is the issue. I just need her to let me know. I cant fix something if I don't know what the problem is!

southernbelle0915

If the phone thing is normal for her, why does it surprise you now? I understand it being frustrating but sounds like its typical.

It sounds like now you're frustrated because, despite her flaky personality, you asked her to be a BM and she continued to be flaky. If you kick her out, it will end your friendship, so consider that while you think about what to do.

Personally, I would do nothing. Tell her when shopping/fitting is and if she doesn't show up, then tell her what dress was decided on and that she needs to order it. If she doesn't, then she takes herself out of the wedding. Presumably though, you would get her budget ahead of time and the dress should be under that budget.

Maggie0829

alyssanicole18 said:

I have no problem paying for the dress if that is the issue. I just need her to let me know. I cant fix something if I don't know what the problem is!

Why do you think there is a problem.  You say this is how she always is so I really don't know what you want to talk to her about.  And if you are willing to buy her dress if she can't afford it then there is really is nothing to talk to her about.  If she doesn't want to be in your wedding then she will tell you.

alyssanicole18

southernbelle0915 said:

If the phone thing is normal for her, why does it surprise you now? I understand it being frustrating but sounds like its typical.

It sounds like now you're frustrated because, despite her flaky personality, you asked her to be a BM and she continued to be flaky. If you kick her out, it will end your friendship, so consider that while you think about what to do.

Personally, I would do nothing. Tell her when shopping/fitting is and if she doesn't show up, then tell her what dress was decided on and that she needs to order it. If she doesn't, then she takes herself out of the wedding. Presumably though, you would get her budget ahead of time and the dress should be under that budget.

Yep I got her budget 5 months ago when she said she wanted to go shopping the weekend were planning. Maybe I should of left the phone thing out, it's not something that I'm concerned about. It's more so I feel like I have no way to stay in contact with her, she gave me her bfs number to text only if I aboslutely needed her. I feel weird texting him to tell her a time, etc for something.

alyssanicole18

Maggie0829 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

I have no problem paying for the dress if that is the issue. I just need her to let me know. I cant fix something if I don't know what the problem is!

Why do you think there is a problem.  You say this is how she always is so I really don't know what you want to talk to her about.  And if you are willing to buy her dress if she can't afford it then there is really is nothing to talk to her about.  If she doesn't want to be in your wedding then she will tell you.

Her not being able to afford the dress is a "problem" to me. If that's the case how am I supposed to know? I know she has savings because she told me she did a week before the phone thing happened. If that was me I wouldn't just avoid someone and expect them to know what's going on. I've asked her more than once since this started and she said everything was fine, etc etc.

Maggie0829

alyssanicole18 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

I have no problem paying for the dress if that is the issue. I just need her to let me know. I cant fix something if I don't know what the problem is!

Why do you think there is a problem.  You say this is how she always is so I really don't know what you want to talk to her about.  And if you are willing to buy her dress if she can't afford it then there is really is nothing to talk to her about.  If she doesn't want to be in your wedding then she will tell you.

Her not being able to afford the dress is a "problem" to me. If that's the case how am I supposed to know? I know she has savings because she told me she did a week before the phone thing happened. If that was me I wouldn't just avoid someone and expect them to know what's going on. I've asked her more than once since this started and she said everything was fine, etc etc.

But how do you know that she can't afford it?  Just because she doesn't have a job right this second doesn't mean that she has zero money.  And you said in a previous post that you would be willing to buy her dress.

I'm sorry but I really don't understand the problem here.  It just seems like you are pissed because she is not easy to get a hold of.  Just text her BF the time and date of the dress shopping trip and if she shows up she shows up, if not then tell her what dress was picked and the deadline to order it.  Hopefully she will order it and if she can't will let you know.

alyssanicole18

Maggie0829 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

Maggie0829 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

I have no problem paying for the dress if that is the issue. I just need her to let me know. I cant fix something if I don't know what the problem is!

Why do you think there is a problem.  You say this is how she always is so I really don't know what you want to talk to her about.  And if you are willing to buy her dress if she can't afford it then there is really is nothing to talk to her about.  If she doesn't want to be in your wedding then she will tell you.

Her not being able to afford the dress is a "problem" to me. If that's the case how am I supposed to know? I know she has savings because she told me she did a week before the phone thing happened. If that was me I wouldn't just avoid someone and expect them to know what's going on. I've asked her more than once since this started and she said everything was fine, etc etc.

But how do you know that she can't afford it?  Just because she doesn't have a job right this second doesn't mean that she has zero money.  And you said in a previous post that you would be willing to buy her dress.

I'm sorry but I really don't understand the problem here.  It just seems like you are pissed because she is not easy to get a hold of.  Just text her BF the time and date of the dress shopping trip and if she shows up she shows up, if not then tell her what dress was picked and the deadline to order it.  Hopefully she will order it and if she can't will let you know.

I feel like my point is kind of clear, but maybe it isn't and I apologize. For one, if she's avoiding me because she doesn't want to tell me she can't afford the dress, I don't know that unless she says something. I know she has money saved, because she told me about a month ago she was thinking of quitting her job to spend time with the BF and she'd be fine on bills.

I was asking for advice on how to talk to her without hurting her feelings, etc.

jacques27

alyssanicole18 said:

Sounds like you are looking for us to tell you "Absolutely! She's a flake. Rid yourself of her immediately." Doesn't work that way. You knew her tendencies long before you asked her to be a bridesmaid. Should've thought of that before.

Nope not at all, I don't wanna get rid of her at all! I'd never unask someone to be in my wedding, that's very rude. I just don't know how to go about talking to her without hurting her feelings. I just wanna know if she is maybe has had a change of heart. Once again I have friends who live their lives way different than I do, but I don't stop talking to them because of that. I know 100% how she is, but she's always been there for me and is a very good friend regardless of the choices she makes. Of course I'm gonna ask her to be in my wedding. Like I said if she doesn't wanna be in the wedding that's fine, I won't have any hard feelings at all! I just want to know that's all.

So, you feel "weird" texting the boyfriend to pass along a message even though she said that's how to get a hold of her if you need her...so your solution then is to be passive aggressive by pre-emptively excluding her and acting like she won't be in the wedding?  You asked her.  She said yes.  You asked when she wanted to go shopping.  She said she didn't care (and she probably doesn't because she's unemployed and has no constraints on her time).  Nothing in this indicates to me that she's wanting to drop out.  So get over your "feeling weird", text the boyfriend the details, and if she shows up then great!  If she doesn't, then text the details for what dress to buy to the boyfriend after the rest of the group picks.

Honestly, all of your posts at this point make it sound more like you're upset that she isn't falling all over herself for your wedding and dress shopping since she's not being as communicative as you would like.  But a) not everyone will be falling all over themselves, and b) you already said this is par for the course for her, which you claim not to care about or judge...unless of course it might interfere with her buying a dress for your wedding. 

PrettyGirlLost

southernbelle0915 said:

If the phone thing is normal for her, why does it surprise you now? I understand it being frustrating but sounds like its typical.

It sounds like now you're frustrated because, despite her flaky personality, you asked her to be a BM and she continued to be flaky. If you kick her out, it will end your friendship, so consider that while you think about what to do.

Personally, I would do nothing. Tell her when shopping/fitting is and if she doesn't show up, then tell her what dress was decided on and that she needs to order it. If she doesn't, then she takes herself out of the wedding. Presumably though, you would get her budget ahead of time and the dress should be under that budget.

Maggie0829 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

I have no problem paying for the dress if that is the issue. I just need her to let me know. I cant fix something if I don't know what the problem is!

Why do you think there is a problem.  You say this is how she always is so I really don't know what you want to talk to her about.  And if you are willing to buy her dress if she can't afford it then there is really is nothing to talk to her about.  If she doesn't want to be in your wedding then she will tell you.

Her not being able to afford the dress is a "problem" to me. If that's the case how am I supposed to know? I know she has savings because she told me she did a week before the phone thing happened. If that was me I wouldn't just avoid someone and expect them to know what's going on. I've asked her more than once since this started and she said everything was fine, etc etc.

But how do you know that she can't afford it?  Just because she doesn't have a job right this second doesn't mean that she has zero money.  And you said in a previous post that you would be willing to buy her dress.

I'm sorry but I really don't understand the problem here.  It just seems like you are pissed because she is not easy to get a hold of.  Just text her BF the time and date of the dress shopping trip and if she shows up she shows up, if not then tell her what dress was picked and the deadline to order it.  Hopefully she will order it and if she can't will let you know.

I agree with these PP's.  I think you are making things more complicated than they really are.

Maggie0829

alyssanicole18 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

I have no problem paying for the dress if that is the issue. I just need her to let me know. I cant fix something if I don't know what the problem is!

Why do you think there is a problem.  You say this is how she always is so I really don't know what you want to talk to her about.  And if you are willing to buy her dress if she can't afford it then there is really is nothing to talk to her about.  If she doesn't want to be in your wedding then she will tell you.

Her not being able to afford the dress is a "problem" to me. If that's the case how am I supposed to know? I know she has savings because she told me she did a week before the phone thing happened. If that was me I wouldn't just avoid someone and expect them to know what's going on. I've asked her more than once since this started and she said everything was fine, etc etc.

But how do you know that she can't afford it?  Just because she doesn't have a job right this second doesn't mean that she has zero money.  And you said in a previous post that you would be willing to buy her dress.

I'm sorry but I really don't understand the problem here.  It just seems like you are pissed because she is not easy to get a hold of.  Just text her BF the time and date of the dress shopping trip and if she shows up she shows up, if not then tell her what dress was picked and the deadline to order it.  Hopefully she will order it and if she can't will let you know.

I feel like my point is kind of clear, but maybe it isn't and I apologize. For one, if she's avoiding me because she doesn't want to tell me she can't afford the dress, I don't know that unless she says something. I know she has money saved, because she told me about a month ago she was thinking of quitting her job to spend time with the BF and she'd be fine on bills. I was asking for advice on how to talk to her without hurting her feelings, etc.

But you said that she is always hard to get a hold of because of her phone issues.  You said that it took her a week to respond to you but she did respond and told you that she didn't care when the dress shopping took place.  I don't see how she is avoiding you.  It sounds like she is still acting like she has always acted.  So no I don't see your problem.

And again, why do you need to talk to her?  She hasn't done anything wrong.  She says she has the money for the dress.  She gave you her budget.  She doesn't have to attend the dress shopping trip.  All she has to do is buy the dress by the deadline provided by the bridal salon.

PrettyGirlLost

Maggie0829 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

I have no problem paying for the dress if that is the issue. I just need her to let me know. I cant fix something if I don't know what the problem is!

Why do you think there is a problem.  You say this is how she always is so I really don't know what you want to talk to her about.  And if you are willing to buy her dress if she can't afford it then there is really is nothing to talk to her about.  If she doesn't want to be in your wedding then she will tell you.

Her not being able to afford the dress is a "problem" to me. If that's the case how am I supposed to know? I know she has savings because she told me she did a week before the phone thing happened. If that was me I wouldn't just avoid someone and expect them to know what's going on. I've asked her more than once since this started and she said everything was fine, etc etc.

But how do you know that she can't afford it?  Just because she doesn't have a job right this second doesn't mean that she has zero money.  And you said in a previous post that you would be willing to buy her dress.

I'm sorry but I really don't understand the problem here.  It just seems like you are pissed because she is not easy to get a hold of.  Just text her BF the time and date of the dress shopping trip and if she shows up she shows up, if not then tell her what dress was picked and the deadline to order it.  Hopefully she will order it and if she can't will let you know.

I feel like my point is kind of clear, but maybe it isn't and I apologize. For one, if she's avoiding me because she doesn't want to tell me she can't afford the dress, I don't know that unless she says something. I know she has money saved, because she told me about a month ago she was thinking of quitting her job to spend time with the BF and she'd be fine on bills. I was asking for advice on how to talk to her without hurting her feelings, etc.

But you said that she is always hard to get a hold of because of her phone issues.  You said that it took her a week to respond to you but she did respond and told you that she didn't care when the dress shopping took place.  I don't see how she is avoiding you.  It sounds like she is still acting like she has always acted.  So no I don't see your problem.

And again, why do you need to talk to her?  She hasn't done anything wrong.  She says she has the money for the dress.  She gave you her budget.  She doesn't have to attend the dress shopping trip.  All she has to do is buy the dress by the deadline provided by the bridal salon.

Yeah, just relax, OP.  You have known yoiur friend for almost a decade, you should know how she is.  Just accept that, take her at her word that she is in the wedding and will buy the dress, and then go from there.

alyssanicole18

Maggie0829 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

Maggie0829 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

Maggie0829 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

I have no problem paying for the dress if that is the issue. I just need her to let me know. I cant fix something if I don't know what the problem is!

Why do you think there is a problem.  You say this is how she always is so I really don't know what you want to talk to her about.  And if you are willing to buy her dress if she can't afford it then there is really is nothing to talk to her about.  If she doesn't want to be in your wedding then she will tell you.

Her not being able to afford the dress is a "problem" to me. If that's the case how am I supposed to know? I know she has savings because she told me she did a week before the phone thing happened. If that was me I wouldn't just avoid someone and expect them to know what's going on. I've asked her more than once since this started and she said everything was fine, etc etc.

But how do you know that she can't afford it?  Just because she doesn't have a job right this second doesn't mean that she has zero money.  And you said in a previous post that you would be willing to buy her dress.

I'm sorry but I really don't understand the problem here.  It just seems like you are pissed because she is not easy to get a hold of.  Just text her BF the time and date of the dress shopping trip and if she shows up she shows up, if not then tell her what dress was picked and the deadline to order it.  Hopefully she will order it and if she can't will let you know.

I feel like my point is kind of clear, but maybe it isn't and I apologize. For one, if she's avoiding me because she doesn't want to tell me she can't afford the dress, I don't know that unless she says something. I know she has money saved, because she told me about a month ago she was thinking of quitting her job to spend time with the BF and she'd be fine on bills.

I was asking for advice on how to talk to her without hurting her feelings, etc.


But you said that she is always hard to get a hold of because of her phone issues.  You said that it took her a week to respond to you but she did respond and told you that she didn't care when the dress shopping took place.  I don't see how she is avoiding you.  It sounds like she is still acting like she has always acted.  So no I don't see your problem.

And again, why do you need to talk to her?  She hasn't done anything wrong.  She says she has the money for the dress.  She gave you her budget.  She doesn't have to attend the dress shopping trip.  All she has to do is buy the dress by the deadline provided by the bridal salon.

I didn't know it was common practice to not talk to your friends or your bridal party aside from giving them a time and place to be. Guess Ive had the one idea all these years. Thank you!

Maggie0829

alyssanicole18 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

I have no problem paying for the dress if that is the issue. I just need her to let me know. I cant fix something if I don't know what the problem is!

Why do you think there is a problem.  You say this is how she always is so I really don't know what you want to talk to her about.  And if you are willing to buy her dress if she can't afford it then there is really is nothing to talk to her about.  If she doesn't want to be in your wedding then she will tell you.

Her not being able to afford the dress is a "problem" to me. If that's the case how am I supposed to know? I know she has savings because she told me she did a week before the phone thing happened. If that was me I wouldn't just avoid someone and expect them to know what's going on. I've asked her more than once since this started and she said everything was fine, etc etc.

But how do you know that she can't afford it?  Just because she doesn't have a job right this second doesn't mean that she has zero money.  And you said in a previous post that you would be willing to buy her dress.

I'm sorry but I really don't understand the problem here.  It just seems like you are pissed because she is not easy to get a hold of.  Just text her BF the time and date of the dress shopping trip and if she shows up she shows up, if not then tell her what dress was picked and the deadline to order it.  Hopefully she will order it and if she can't will let you know.

I feel like my point is kind of clear, but maybe it isn't and I apologize. For one, if she's avoiding me because she doesn't want to tell me she can't afford the dress, I don't know that unless she says something. I know she has money saved, because she told me about a month ago she was thinking of quitting her job to spend time with the BF and she'd be fine on bills. I was asking for advice on how to talk to her without hurting her feelings, etc.

But you said that she is always hard to get a hold of because of her phone issues.  You said that it took her a week to respond to you but she did respond and told you that she didn't care when the dress shopping took place.  I don't see how she is avoiding you.  It sounds like she is still acting like she has always acted.  So no I don't see your problem.

And again, why do you need to talk to her?  She hasn't done anything wrong.  She says she has the money for the dress.  She gave you her budget.  She doesn't have to attend the dress shopping trip.  All she has to do is buy the dress by the deadline provided by the bridal salon.

I didn't know it was common practice to not talk to your friends or your bridal party aside from giving them a time and place to be. Guess Ive had the one idea all these years. Thank you!

FFS!  Look, you want to talk to your friend about whether or not she is still interested in being in your wedding, not about how she is doing or if she wants to grab lunch or if she likes the colors pink and green together.  Of course you can talk to your friends and bridal party but what you are wanting to discuss with this particular BM is something that should not be brought up.  She has given you no indication that she does not want to be in your wedding so just leave it alone.  If you don't you will hurt her feelings because no matter how you word it, it will just come off as you not wanting her in your wedding anymore.

PrettyGirlLost

alyssanicole18 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

alyssanicole18 said:

I have no problem paying for the dress if that is the issue. I just need her to let me know. I cant fix something if I don't know what the problem is!

Why do you think there is a problem.  You say this is how she always is so I really don't know what you want to talk to her about.  And if you are willing to buy her dress if she can't afford it then there is really is nothing to talk to her about.  If she doesn't want to be in your wedding then she will tell you.

Her not being able to afford the dress is a "problem" to me. If that's the case how am I supposed to know? I know she has savings because she told me she did a week before the phone thing happened. If that was me I wouldn't just avoid someone and expect them to know what's going on. I've asked her more than once since this started and she said everything was fine, etc etc.

But how do you know that she can't afford it?  Just because she doesn't have a job right this second doesn't mean that she has zero money.  And you said in a previous post that you would be willing to buy her dress.

I'm sorry but I really don't understand the problem here.  It just seems like you are pissed because she is not easy to get a hold of.  Just text her BF the time and date of the dress shopping trip and if she shows up she shows up, if not then tell her what dress was picked and the deadline to order it.  Hopefully she will order it and if she can't will let you know.

I feel like my point is kind of clear, but maybe it isn't and I apologize. For one, if she's avoiding me because she doesn't want to tell me she can't afford the dress, I don't know that unless she says something.   Huh?  Honey, you really seem like you are creating drama and problems where there are none.  Your friend told you her budget, told you she'd get the dress, and told you to txt her at her BF's number and tell her when you are going to try on dresses.  Why in the world don't you want to take her at her word and just tel her where and when to show up and look for dresses?  I don't get it.    If she has a problem, won't she tell you without you having to pull it out of her?  I know she has money saved, because she told me about a month ago she was thinking of quitting her job to spend time with the BF and she'd be fine on bills. I was asking for advice on how to talk to her without hurting her feelings, etc.  There's nothing to talk about at this point, so don't do it.  That's our advice.  Slow your roll and just chill.

But you said that she is always hard to get a hold of because of her phone issues.  You said that it took her a week to respond to you but she did respond and told you that she didn't care when the dress shopping took place.  I don't see how she is avoiding you.  It sounds like she is still acting like she has always acted.  So no I don't see your problem.

And again, why do you need to talk to her?  She hasn't done anything wrong.  She says she has the money for the dress.  She gave you her budget.  She doesn't have to attend the dress shopping trip.  All she has to do is buy the dress by the deadline provided by the bridal salon.

I didn't know it was common practice to not talk to your friends or your bridal party aside from giving them a time and place to be. Guess Ive had the one idea all these years. Thank you!   I had 10 BM's.  They arranged a day to go shopping for dresses together on their own, but other than that I did not call them and pester them about my wedding.  If we happened to be hanging out and someone asked about the wedding, I'd talk about it, but beyond that I didn't really discuss it with them. . . and I didn't need to.

southernbelle0915

alyssanicole18 said:

I didn't know it was common practice to not talk to your friends or your bridal party aside from giving them a time and place to be. Guess Ive had the one idea all these years. Thank you!

Look. I really think what you are wanting is a BM who is responsive, easy to get a hold of, wants to be involved, is excited about your wedding, shows interest, doesn't avoid you, etc. Who doesn't? But your BM has always been flaky. She isn't going to change her personality because you are getting married. 

I think you need to separate your emotional disappointment in your BM choice from actual wedding/BM logistics. Your feelings are real and they're valid, but they are different from actually figuring out the logistics of stuff. The logistics are easy - she shows up to shopping or doesn't; if she doesn't, you tell her the dress to buy; if she doesn't buy it, she takes herself out of the wedding. That's it.

As far as the emotional aspect of this, it's fine to be disappointed for a minute. But you have to realize that this one girl is not going to make or break your wedding. She's a flake. Oh well! You're getting married to the love of your life. Focus on what's important.

novella1186

OP, I agree that you're making this more complicated than it should be. I understand that you want all your BMs to all go dress shopping together, but sometimes that's not really plausible. If this chick doesn't show up, don't worry about it. 

The last time I was in a wedding, there were 6 or 7 BMs and only 3 of us when shopping for the dress. Then the bride told all the other BMs where to buy it and which dress to buy. Simple. 

In my case, my BMs are all over the place. Some are within a couple hours drive, one is several states away, one is across the ocean in a different country. I'm just having them pick their own dresses based on a particular color palette. 

See, there are different ways to go about this, and different ways to deal with not being able to get everyone together all at the same time. I get that it's frustrating that you can't always reach this girl, but that's her problem, not yours. Don't talk to her about dropping out of your WP. There's a good chance she'll take it the wrong way and be really hurt. 

It sounds like she's just going about her life in her own way, like she always has, and you're getting stressed out because it's becoming difficult to plan things. Leave her out of the plans if you have to. Text her boyfriend whatever info you need her to know. No big deal! 

jacques27

alyssanicole18 said:

I didn't know it was common practice to not talk to your friends or your bridal party aside from giving them a time and place to be. Guess Ive had the one idea all these years. Thank you!

This is not snark: Life just isn't like those Hallmark movies.  The sooner you can accept that, the happier you will be.  In real life, it's really not this super squishy bonding experience where your bridesmaids are on pins and needles falling over themselves over your wedding details and they all become BFFs.

In real life, no one is going to care as much as you do.  It's dress shopping.  For you, it's super squishy OMG these are the dresses my friends are going to wear when I get married SQUEE!  For them, it's a dress and not that different from any other shopping trip.  I hate dress shopping - they either fit my bust but not my hips or my hips but not my bust.  And they are pretty much just trying to please you and don't care nearly as much as you may think.  It's just not that exciting and a wee bit frustrating.  Will there be some women who are "Super squishy squee!" over it?  Sure, but there's just as many if not a substantial number more who are happy for you for a few moments and then just keep on living their lives until you interrupt them with the next piece (dress shopping date and time, dress rehearsal date and time, wedding date and time).  And really, that's all that's required.  Buy attire, show up sober, walk down an aisle.  All the rest is just gravy and if it happens, then great!  But if it doesn't happen, it's not a reason to contemplate kicking them out or have discussions about whether they want to drop out.

atlastmrsg

What other people said above, especially jacques and southernbelle.

Another thought--if money is tight or your main concern is about her not buying the dress in time for it to be ordered, just buy it.  In the number of hours you spend on this board getting your panties in a twist or whining to FI or whoever, you could work a few extra hours at your job and pay for it yourself.  Or if you're at a salaried job, skip going out to eat this week/your mani-pedi, buy the dress, and stop worrying about it.  

Some things in life are worth paying for so you don't have to spend more time on them.

Besides, giving her the dress could be the cheer up she needs if she's in a bad spot right now.  And it shows you're loyal to her even when times are tough.

Now, if you come back and say "she's not in a bad spot," which seems to have intimated, than you're just delusional for picking her and hoping she'll change for your wedding.

lc07

alyssanicole18 said:

And now to make the situation better, my future MIL told my fiancé today we need to find out what the deal is for her, and one of the groomsmen (my fiancés brother of course...) because she is not paying for them for them to decide not to show up. I really don't want to upset her by asking her point blank but I feel like I'm running out of options.

Um. WUT? Your wedding is 6 months away! Plus, there will most likely be some people who don't show up last minute. It happens. It's part of hosting an event. Stop talking about your friend to your MIL.