Waiting, Wishing..

Knottie17182144

Hello All!

I'm really new here so I wanted to take a moment to introduce myself and talk about what has been going on with me lately! I'm 26 and have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. After a year we moved in together and since then we have both known that we wanted to get married and that was always the plan. We never had too much of a timeline but he always knew that I would prefer getting engaged and starting wedding planning sooner than later. We live 1000 miles away from our families and eventually want to move back there, but I'm not willing to move with him until we have been married for at least a few years. He wants to be back home within 4-ish years which would hopefully put our wedding sometime in 2015.

In June of this year, my boyfriend came to me and told me flat out that he was starting the ring process. His grandmother handed him down a diamond and he was getting the ring designed around the diamond and he wanted my input. I was THRILLED! This is what I have been waiting for since I met him. He flew back home to where our families live to retrieve the diamond and go to a family jeweler to design it and put down the down payment. He then told me it would take 2-3 months for it to be finished and for him to finish paying it off and have it in his possession. 

Two months later in August, he came to me and said he wasn't quite sure if he was just ready yet and that he needed more time. I was devastated! I had been waiting and hoped it would happen by September at the latest and then he dropped a bomb on me that it wasn't going to happen anytime soon. I was hurt, angry, and confused. Since then, I feel like I have been waiting for him to "decide" when he was ready to commit to me and it has kind of put a burden on our relationship. Things have gotten rough and things hit the fan this past weekend. We came to a point where we were either going to go our separate ways or decide to work things out and put 100% in to repairing our once - wonderful relationship. After we decided to move forward and work things out, I found out this past weekend is when he had officially planned to propose, but it didn't happen because we were REALLY on the outs. 

Now I'm confused. I don't know if he wants to, if he's going to, and if he does anytime soon, will it be tainted?? Will it not be the "fairytale" proposal and wedding that I had imagined?? I know he has the ring, but things have been rough lately, and now I don't know how I feel about how my magical proposal, and how it was supposed to be.

Any input is appreciated - this has been a hard week!

loves2shop4shoes

I think you've got bigger problems right now than whether or not your proposal is "magical."

I think you need to figure out what's going on with this relationship!  Why was he "not ready"?  Do you believe he IS ready now?  What changed?  How do YOU feel about your relationship?  How have your feelings on the relationship changed in the past 4 months?

I think you two need to communicate BIG time.  Also, just because someone asks you to marry him doesn't mean you have to say yes.  Focus your energy into the RELATIONSHIP not the PROPOSAL.

Knottie17182144

Yes I think you are absolutely right. I guess it's just been difficult to go from waiting for the proposal because everything was so great, to figuring out how to make our relationship work.

CLoGreenEyes

First, I'm so sorry you guys are having a hard time right now! I think this is evidence that you need to stop worrying about having the proposal and wedding you imagined, and to start worrying about if this is the RELATIONSHIP and MARRIAGE you imagine. I'm not clear on whether or not it's the differing timelines on getting engaged that caused the conflict you're experiencing, but I think figuring that out is a good place to start.

I can understand being frustrated that he had started this process and then realized he wasn't ready. That's an issue to communicate about with him in a calm, logical manner when you're both ready to actually talk. Just going by what you've told us, it sounds like maybe you kind of panicked and reacted from a place of being hurt, angry, and fearful, rather than trying to get to the heart of his hesitation and working through it together. To him, that could look like you don't care about actually helping him resolve his fears and moving forward together, which is only going to make him dig in his heels further. (Not saying this was your intention, but that's easily what it could have come off as.)

In any case, even though it is hard, I urge you to stop stressing so much about the proposal and wedding. If you love this man, this it the point to prove it - you do that by working on your relationship with him and not putting the pressure on him (or yourself!) to get back on track with the engagement thing right now. Assuming things work out between you (and I hope they do!), it is better to delay the ring/wedding thing for a while and do the work now to fix whatever's wrong.

minskat30

Honestly, I'd be more focused on the fact that you guys have been fighting, you are feeling resentful and he is feeling pressured and/or not ready to commit.  Two years, especially in your mid-20s is not that long even though I know it must feel that way.  I know it is easy to focus on a proposal but a proposal is not going to make underlying issues go away so I would focus on fixing those first and foremost. 

What are your hobbies? What do you do for a living? Any fur babies?

Knottie17182144

Yes I think you all are absolutely right!! I need to change my thought process and forget about the proposal and just focus on fixing us. It feels like forever but waiting an extra year certainly wouldn't kill me. 

For a living I work for a restaurant marketing company, but I work from home, which is hard. He works 12 hour days sometimes and I'm home all day. I can one cat but she is very low maintenance! We are thinking of getting a dog but I think we should wait until our problems are mostly resolved. I love working out and usually go to the gym every morning but I'm thinking of joining some sort of boot class to hopefully make some new friends! 

Thanks for your input

speakeasy14

I agree with what everyone else has said, focus on your relationship right now.  I also have to ask, why can you not move home until you have been married for a few years?  

peekaboo2011

loves2shop4shoes said:

I think you need to figure out what's going on with this relationship!  Why was he "not ready"?  Do you believe he IS ready now?  What changed?  How do YOU feel about your relationship?  How have your feelings on the relationship changed in the past 4 months?

These are really important questions to ask, especially the first one.  What is/was causing him to feel "not ready?" How are you both addressing it?

If you guys can talk through these issues well now, you'll be well equipped later on to handle similar problems.  

Knottie17182144

I have been living where I live for 8 years now. I love it here and never had any intention on moving back home. When he moved to this area a few years ago and we connected and started dating, I had always kind of known he wanted to go back. In order for me to completely uproot my life and move away from everything I have known in my adult life, I want us to be completely committed and settled. 

He said once he asked my parents for their permission and started telling my friends of his plans, he became overwhelmed and got cold feet.

bethsmiles

Not being ready doesn't mean I don't know if I love you or I don't know if I can commit. It means I'm not ready for marriage right now. Not being ready is usually about the individual not the relationship or their partner. There are a million different reasons someone could have for not being ready to get married. Rather than getting hurt and angry, it would have been a lot better for you to communicate with him about why he isn't ready.

You need to stop worrying about your proposal and start worrying about your relationship. If the two of you have really decided to give this relationship 100% then I highly suggest taking marriage off the table right now. Work on your relationship, work on your communication and trust issues. The two of you need to be on the same page with each other not just guessing at where the other one is at and hope it aligns with your own ideas about your relationship.

And I really caution against creating any sort of timeline in your head. It might take an extra year, it might take 2, maybe it will only take 6 months. But honestly, putting a timeline on things in your head seems to be a contributing factor to what caused these problems in the first place. Fix your relationship, give it however long it takes, then decide together a timeline for getting engaged.

CLoGreenEyes

bethsmiles said:

Not being ready doesn't mean I don't know if I love you or I don't know if I can commit. It means I'm not ready for marriage right now. Not being ready is usually about the individual not the relationship or their partner. There are a million different reasons someone could have for not being ready to get married. Rather than getting hurt and angry, it would have been a lot better for you to communicate with him about why he isn't ready.

You need to stop worrying about your proposal and start worrying about your relationship. If the two of you have really decided to give this relationship 100% then I highly suggest taking marriage off the table right now. Work on your relationship, work on your communication and trust issues. The two of you need to be on the same page with each other not just guessing at where the other one is at and hope it aligns with your own ideas about your relationship.

And I really caution against creating any sort of timeline in your head. It might take an extra year, it might take 2, maybe it will only take 6 months. But honestly, putting a timeline on things in your head seems to be a contributing factor to what caused these problems in the first place. Fix your relationship, give it however long it takes, then decide together a timeline for getting engaged.

QFT. When you think about the number of decades you hope to spend with him over the course of your lives, it really doesn't matter how long it takes right now to strengthen your relationship. It just matters that you do it, period.

Knottie17182144

Yes I agree. Thank you all for your advice!

loves2shop4shoes

As per usual, @bethsmiles FTW.

ChemFanatic25

Hi @Knottie17182144! All PP's had awesome advice and I'm so glad that you are open to what everyone has to say. The one thing I recommend is couples counseling and possibly even see a counselor yourself. I know that the world views counseling as taboo or approaches it with the mindset "If I can't fix the problem myself, then shouldn't I just leave the problem?" Also, even when things are great, couples counseling is a huge help because it opens lines of communication you might have otherwise missed AND it helps to mediate your relationships, in particular the one with your SO so that you can communicate and listen rather than fight. 

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you and your SO.

bethsmiles

loves2shop4shoes said:

As per usual, @bethsmiles FTW.

I seriously learned it all from you lovely ladies! I few years ago, I probably could have written something similar to the OP!

Dignity100

The girls here have given you some great advice!!  Work on the relationship, don't worry about getting engaged/married.  There's nothing wrong with getting engaged after you've been together a few more years.

Since you work at home and go to the gym - do you have any other hobbies outside the home that get you around other people?  I'm just trying to make sure you get out of the house and hang out with other adults that aren't your boyfriend.

Knottie17182144

Thanks ladies for taking the time to respond!! So nice of you all I honestly don't do much by myself other than getting to the gym. That has been a big problem for me but I really don't know what else to do that doesn't involve him! Although I want to..

I have suggested counseling to him over the past couple of days and he really doesn't seem too interested, so I am going to go by myself. Maybe one day he will join me, we shall see!!

Dignity100

Knottie17182144 said:

Thanks ladies for taking the time to respond!! So nice of you all I honestly don't do much by myself other than getting to the gym. That has been a big problem for me but I really don't know what else to do that doesn't involve him! Although I want to..

I have suggested counseling to him over the past couple of days and he really doesn't seem too interested, so I am going to go by myself. Maybe one day he will join me, we shall see!!

You mentioned wanting to get a dog - what about volunteering at a local shelter/rescue?  There are also a number of volunteer opportunities that could get you out into the community.  Not sure where you live but if you run or cycle, I know in my area there are a ton of different clubs that are free/just show up for both of those activities.  Getting more involved in an activity with others (even if your BF joins you) might help get your mind off things.

Knottie17182144

Those are great ideas. Thank you!

peekaboo2011

Depending on your passions, there are also a ton of volunteer opportunities out there. I work with Girls on the Run, Girl Scouts, and am hoping to get involved with women's literacy groups in my area soon. Things like that get you out of the house, involved in something, and look fantastic on your resume!

arrrghmatey

Hi there!

So I'm basically going to repeat everything that all of the ladies here have already said, but just to reinforce their advice….

You shouldn't have a timeline to be engaged/married/etc. Timelines lead to expectations, and unmet expectations lead to disappointment, and disappointment leads to resentment towards your partner. My boyfriend and I recently got engaged after being together for over 3 years, and I'll be honest in saying that there were numerous times over the past year and a half that I expected the question to be asked. I dished out a lot of disappointment to myself by doing that. HOWEVER, once I stopped having expectations, BAM! There was the ring on a beach during sunset (a 'fairytale proposal' I didn't expect, but it ended up being perfect). The guy will be ready when he is ready, and its best for them to figure that out before popping the question.

Definitely--DEFINITELY--sit down and have a serious talk about your futures, your relationship, your issues as a couple. It's a scary thing to do, have a serious conversation on this subject, but I think it will work out for the best for you two, and you will be much happier in the end after having a discussion. Good luck!

lilacck28

I'm actually all for timelines. I don't think timelines should be static though. They are things that should be revisited. You should talk about why things have changed, if they have. I think it's entirely healthy to have a sense of when your partner wants to get engaged, get married, have kids, etc.

My fiance and I discussed a timeline about three months into dating. It was vague "yeah, I think getting engaged after three years of dating sounds good. Maybe kids around ages 27-30. And I think I could see myself being married to you." Then as we dated longer, the timeline got more specific: "I think getting engaged after you finish grad school would be a good time". To finally: "Yes, this upcoming spring, let's get engaged. let's go ring shopping. "

We ended up basically sticking to the original plan, I guess we knew ourselves pretty well. But every once in a while we would have a talk like "thoughts on getting engaged? Still feel like in a year is a good time?" They were casual conversations. No stress. I often threw in "I'm okay if you want to wait longer" because I'm a bit of a nervous nelly, and I didn't want to pressure him.

Obviously, you did this type of timeline discussion as well. I don't think that was the problem. I think that maybe the issue was that his  feelings changed and, for you, adapting to those changed feelings caused tension. And that makes total sense! I'd be a bit hurt and confused if my fiance decided he wanted to postpone the wedding, or if he had decided that he wasn't ready to get engaged when we had talked about it too.

BUT, if we talked about it, and he either had a particular reason, or reassured me that he was committed to me and still wanted marriage and kids, then I would have ultimately been alright with getting engaged after 5 years instead of 3. Small shifts in timeline aren't an issue. It's a change in the end goal that is a really big deal.

ETA: To be clear, I do agree with @bethsmiles about NOT making timeline "in your head". The timeline I'm talking about is really an open conversation with your partner about how each of you are feeling, and what your goals are.

Dignity100

So on the Disney front - when are you guys going?  H and I are hoping to make 3 trips next year there (2 3-4 day trips and 1 week trip).  Do you have it booked yet?  Which resort are you planning on staying at (on or off Disney)?

Knottie17182144

Yes the timeline in my head definitely messed with things. But it also was very devastating when he GAVE me a timeline "August or September at the latest" and then just as I was starting to get excited because I knew it was coming soon, he totally shifted gears on me and said he just didn't know and he wasn't ready. He tends to go back and forth and back and forth and my emotions just go along for the roller coaster ride. We had a discussion the other day and I told him that it has been very hard for me this week because I tend to keep dwelling on the fact that I know it was supposed to happen this past weekend and we weren't in a good place so it didn't. I think to myself "What could I have done differently?" "Could I have said this instead of that?" and it has been eating me alive. He assured me not to dwell and that the holidays were coming and everything would be okay. I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens..! I can say for sure though this past week has been a 100% turn around in our relationship. My biggest hope is that we can both keep working on it and improving our relationship before we decide to take the next step.

lilacck28

You might have answered this already, but did he explain why he thinks he got cold feet? Or reassure you that he still wants to marry you? Does more time mean a year or 5 years? That would matter to me. I think it's important that both parties communicate... just because he isn't ready to get engaged yet doesn't mean he should get off the hook in terms of explaining himself and his feelings. Those feelings may be hard to explain, but you both owe each other open communication. Just staying silent or waiting for him to catch up in the hopes that he "picks you"  implies that any type of discussion about your  future makes you the "nagging lady." Spoiler alert, that's ridiculous. I hope things work out!

lilacck28

also... what does "100% turn around" mean? You haven't been arguing or...?

Knottie17182144

Thank you!! Yes it did just feel like I was waiting around for him to "decide" or "pick me" which is where a lot of the feelings of hurt and anger came into place. When I pushed him for a new timeline.. which I thought was fair for me to know.. do you need 6 months? a year? more? he said maybe by the end of the year.. but I felt like he was just giving me an answer to shut up about it. I honestly feel like he isn't 100% sure of our relationship which is why he tried to sort of back out. I'm not ready to give up yet which is why I'm still in it. 100% turn around means I feel like he is trying to give me the things I have explained to him I need in our relationship. More attention, more consideration, more feeling like he actually wants to be around me. And likewise I have been giving him what he says he is needing.. more time where I just let him be without asking him to do things, more freedom to spend time with his friends if he needs it, and most of all I have been just trying to be in a better mood in general because I find that when I'm down, he feeds off of that and backs away from me..

lilacck28

Knottie17182144 said:

Thank you!! Yes it did just feel like I was waiting around for him to "decide" or "pick me" which is where a lot of the feelings of hurt and anger came into place. When I pushed him for a new timeline.. which I thought was fair for me to know.. do you need 6 months? a year? more? he said maybe by the end of the year.. but I felt like he was just giving me an answer to shut up about it. I honestly feel like he isn't 100% sure of our relationship which is why he tried to sort of back out. I'm not ready to give up yet which is why I'm still in it. 100% turn around means I feel like he is trying to give me the things I have explained to him I need in our relationship. More attention, more consideration, more feeling like he actually wants to be around me. And likewise I have been giving him what he says he is needing.. more time where I just let him be without asking him to do things, more freedom to spend time with his friends if he needs it, and most of all I have been just trying to be in a better mood in general because I find that when I'm down, he feeds off of that and backs away from me..

I'm sorry

I would also be very concerned if you guys were all hunky dunky (big bang theory, anyone?), and he was ready to propose, and now he's just... changed his mind about you being the person he wants to marry? Just... huh? Hugs. Your feelings are valid. Do what you're doing (trying to work on the relationship) but remember that your desire to get married is not silly or pushy.

Knottie17182144

Thank you

bethsmiles

lilacck28 said:

Knottie17182144 said:

Thank you!! Yes it did just feel like I was waiting around for him to "decide" or "pick me" which is where a lot of the feelings of hurt and anger came into place. When I pushed him for a new timeline.. which I thought was fair for me to know.. do you need 6 months? a year? more? he said maybe by the end of the year.. but I felt like he was just giving me an answer to shut up about it. I honestly feel like he isn't 100% sure of our relationship which is why he tried to sort of back out. I'm not ready to give up yet which is why I'm still in it. 100% turn around means I feel like he is trying to give me the things I have explained to him I need in our relationship. More attention, more consideration, more feeling like he actually wants to be around me. And likewise I have been giving him what he says he is needing.. more time where I just let him be without asking him to do things, more freedom to spend time with his friends if he needs it, and most of all I have been just trying to be in a better mood in general because I find that when I'm down, he feeds off of that and backs away from me..

I'm sorry

I would also be very concerned if you guys were all hunky dunky (big bang theory, anyone?), and he was ready to propose, and now he's just... changed his mind about you being the person he wants to marry? Just... huh? Hugs. Your feelings are valid. Do what you're doing (trying to work on the relationship) but remember that your desire to get married is not silly or pushy.

Um...not being ready doesn't mean he changed his mind. Marriage is a huge commitment, if he isn't ready he shouldn't propose and I don't think he should be made out to be a bad guy because of it. Remember we are only getting OP's version of the story and it sounds like there are some major communication issues in her relationship that need to be worked on.

OP - I'm glad things have turned around since this weekend. But it's only been a few days. It's easy to make a change for a day or two. Don't assume these few days of things going good means everything is fixed. Actually fixing problems in a relationship takes time.

Knottie17182144

I never said he was a bad guy. I wouldn't be with him if he were. Also, I never said I assumed these few days meant everything is fixed. In fact, I said it is my goal to continue working on everything so that we can ultimately have a healthy and happy relationship.