Waiting, Wishing..

lilacck28

bethsmiles said:

lilacck28 said:

Knottie17182144 said:

Thank you!! Yes it did just feel like I was waiting around for him to "decide" or "pick me" which is where a lot of the feelings of hurt and anger came into place. When I pushed him for a new timeline.. which I thought was fair for me to know.. do you need 6 months? a year? more? he said maybe by the end of the year.. but I felt like he was just giving me an answer to shut up about it. I honestly feel like he isn't 100% sure of our relationship which is why he tried to sort of back out. I'm not ready to give up yet which is why I'm still in it. 100% turn around means I feel like he is trying to give me the things I have explained to him I need in our relationship. More attention, more consideration, more feeling like he actually wants to be around me. And likewise I have been giving him what he says he is needing.. more time where I just let him be without asking him to do things, more freedom to spend time with his friends if he needs it, and most of all I have been just trying to be in a better mood in general because I find that when I'm down, he feeds off of that and backs away from me..

I'm sorry

I would also be very concerned if you guys were all hunky dunky (big bang theory, anyone?), and he was ready to propose, and now he's just... changed his mind about you being the person he wants to marry? Just... huh? Hugs. Your feelings are valid. Do what you're doing (trying to work on the relationship) but remember that your desire to get married is not silly or pushy.

Um...not being ready doesn't mean he changed his mind. Marriage is a huge commitment, if he isn't ready he shouldn't propose and I don't think he should be made out to be a bad guy because of it. Remember we are only getting OP's version of the story and it sounds like there are some major communication issues in her relationship that need to be worked on.

OP - I'm glad things have turned around since this weekend. But it's only been a few days. It's easy to make a change for a day or two. Don't assume these few days of things going good means everything is fixed. Actually fixing problems in a relationship takes time.

Yes, originally my impression was that his timeline changed. That is totally cool. Potentially hard to deal with, but not a long term issue.

But when OP phrased it like "not 100% sure about the relationship" my brain just went ahhhhh!  I assumed that her phrasing meant "not 100% sure he wanted to be with her at all" NOT "not 100% sure he is ready for marriage yet". The second thing I already understood, and didn't see it as that much of an issue.

 Either way, I never thought he was a bad guy. Not communicating well doesn't make him a bad guy either, but it's something they'll need to do to make it work. Maybe he's not the right guy for OP, maybe he his the right guy for OP. I just think OP needs to make sure she looks out for herself.

lacqueredlover

Honestly it sounds to me more that you want the "fairytale proposal and wedding" than the actual relationship with this man.  Do you want to be married, or do you want to be married to HIM?  Because those are two VERY different things.

Honestly I would take getting engaged off the table for at least 6 months.  You're 26, being together for 2 years doesn't mean you need to race to the altar for any reason.  (Also arbitrarily putting timelines like "i want to be married for a few years before moving back to where our families are" doesn't usually end up well.  You have NO idea where your lives will be in a few years, if you guys want to be closer to home, do it when you both agree it feels right.)  Work on your relationship and figure out if you really just want a ring, proposal and wedding or if you want to commit the rest of your life to this particular man.

Knottie17182144

I love him and want to be with him forever and in turn have envisioned the "fairytale proposal and wedding" since we first met because he is the only man I've ever been with and felt that way. I feel like a lot of times people look at that as a crime. I never even wanted to be married at all until I met him and my feelings on it completely changed. HE is the one that said he wanted to get married and move back home and I told him I would want us to go through the wedding first because #1 obviously it is costly, and be settled for a while before we can think about uprooting and moving 1000 miles away and #2 I do not want to make a life altering decision like moving away from the place that I love unless we are in a serious, committed relationship, i.e. marriage. 

lacqueredlover

Well it's definitely good that you're focused on HIM, not just a wedding.  But relax on the fairy tale stuff, that's not real life.  

All that said, just stop worrying about getting engaged and focus on the relationship.  Talk to him about why he's having hesitation now and be understanding of the fact that maybe after 2 years, that's just not long enough for him.  We all have different levels of comfort when it comes to stuff like this.  For example, when I was 26, I was 2 years into a relationship and he wanted to get engaged and I wasn't ready.  Now, at 29. I'm a year and a half into a relationship and engaged and it all just feels right. I'm ready now and quite frankly with someone much better suited for me because we are both on the same page about what we want.

So, focus on the relationship, find out his hesitations, and move forward from there.

Good luck!

Knottie17182144

Thank you!!

peekaboo2011

Knottie17182144 said:

I love him and want to be with him forever and in turn have envisioned the "fairytale proposal and wedding" since we first met because he is the only man I've ever been with and felt that way. I feel like a lot of times people look at that as a crime. I never even wanted to be married at all until I met him and my feelings on it completely changed. HE is the one that said he wanted to get married and move back home and I told him I would want us to go through the wedding first because #1 obviously it is costly, and be settled for a while before we can think about uprooting and moving 1000 miles away and #2 I do not want to make a life altering decision like moving away from the place that I love unless we are in a serious, committed relationship, i.e. marriage. 

I'm a little concerned by your phrasing here.  I get that, fine, you want to get married before you move. But, you guys live together, you're talking about marriage.  You SHOULD already be in a serious, committed relationship.  Having a ring and a marriage certificate doesn't make your relationship any more committed or valid.  

You shouldn't be discussing moving in terms of what he wants vs what you want.  It should be a compromise and "what's best for us?"  It's not about just him or just you.  It's about both of you and your combined happiness.

For example: BF and I know that in the next 5-ish years, we would like to get married, buy a house, and seriously consider having babies.  I don't have any expectations for a proposal any time soon.  But if he got a job offer in Korea tomorrow, we'd sit down and talk about what it meant for us, as a family, and not him vs me.  I love where we live. I'd love to buy a house and raise my kids here.  But if that's not what's best for us, then it doesn't matter.  Would we move to somewhere I don't want to live? Not unless there was a serious long term benefit out of it.  

Also, moving is costly too.  

bethsmiles

peekaboo2011 said:

Knottie17182144 said:

I love him and want to be with him forever and in turn have envisioned the "fairytale proposal and wedding" since we first met because he is the only man I've ever been with and felt that way. I feel like a lot of times people look at that as a crime. I never even wanted to be married at all until I met him and my feelings on it completely changed. HE is the one that said he wanted to get married and move back home and I told him I would want us to go through the wedding first because #1 obviously it is costly, and be settled for a while before we can think about uprooting and moving 1000 miles away and #2 I do not want to make a life altering decision like moving away from the place that I love unless we are in a serious, committed relationship, i.e. marriage. 

I'm a little concerned by your phrasing here.  I get that, fine, you want to get married before you move. But, you guys live together, you're talking about marriage.  You SHOULD already be in a serious, committed relationship.  Having a ring and a marriage certificate doesn't make your relationship any more committed or valid.  

You shouldn't be discussing moving in terms of what he wants vs what you want.  It should be a compromise and "what's best for us?"  It's not about just him or just you.  It's about both of you and your combined happiness.

For example: BF and I know that in the next 5-ish years, we would like to get married, buy a house, and seriously consider having babies.  I don't have any expectations for a proposal any time soon.  But if he got a job offer in Korea tomorrow, we'd sit down and talk about what it meant for us, as a family, and not him vs me.  I love where we live. I'd love to buy a house and raise my kids here.  But if that's not what's best for us, then it doesn't matter.  Would we move to somewhere I don't want to live? Not unless there was a serious long term benefit out of it.  

Also, moving is costly too.  

QFT (especially the bolded!)

WildMagelet

Whenever I get a wild hair thinking about wedding stuff again I defer to talking/thinking about my brother's upcoming wedding or hanging around with the NEYs and OMHs on TK.

Working, working out, dog park trips and picking up old hobbies that I dropped for various reasons over the years has really helped to distract me.  Work on your relationship, but also don't forget to spend some of your valuable time on *you* - you deserve it!

I can totally relate to timelines = disappointment.

My only real marriage timeline has ever been "before we intentionally try to get pregnant".  BF has a timeline for when he he'd like to have another child by (he has 2 from a previous relationship) and I spend way too much time stressing because I can do math.

Knottie17182144

Yes at this point I'm throwing my timeline out the window because it isn't doing anyone any good. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be married before we decide to move and yes it absolutely has to make sense for the both of us.

GoldenPenguin

peekaboo2011 said:

Knottie17182144 said:

I love him and want to be with him forever and in turn have envisioned the "fairytale proposal and wedding" since we first met because he is the only man I've ever been with and felt that way. I feel like a lot of times people look at that as a crime. I never even wanted to be married at all until I met him and my feelings on it completely changed. HE is the one that said he wanted to get married and move back home and I told him I would want us to go through the wedding first because #1 obviously it is costly, and be settled for a while before we can think about uprooting and moving 1000 miles away and #2 I do not want to make a life altering decision like moving away from the place that I love unless we are in a serious, committed relationship, i.e. marriage. 

I'm a little concerned by your phrasing here.  I get that, fine, you want to get married before you move. But, you guys live together, you're talking about marriage.  You SHOULD already be in a serious, committed relationship.  Having a ring and a marriage certificate doesn't make your relationship any more committed or valid.  

You shouldn't be discussing moving in terms of what he wants vs what you want.  It should be a compromise and "what's best for us?"  It's not about just him or just you.  It's about both of you and your combined happiness.

For example: BF and I know that in the next 5-ish years, we would like to get married, buy a house, and seriously consider having babies.  I don't have any expectations for a proposal any time soon.  But if he got a job offer in Korea tomorrow, we'd sit down and talk about what it meant for us, as a family, and not him vs me.  I love where we live. I'd love to buy a house and raise my kids here.  But if that's not what's best for us, then it doesn't matter.  Would we move to somewhere I don't want to live? Not unless there was a serious long term benefit out of it.  

Also, moving is costly too.  

I'm going to respectfully disagree with the bolded. A ring/engagement, no, but a marriage certificate certainly solidifies that commitment. If you can't walk away from something without legal intervention, that IS a bigger commitment. 

Now, if you have the commitment that you're going to get married and have that in the future, yes, you are committed. BUT, you can still walk away from it at any point. I'm not saying that non-married relationships are less valid, but there is a different level of commitment involved in a marriage. 

Hummingbird125

GoldenPenguin said:

peekaboo2011 said:

Knottie17182144 said:

I love him and want to be with him forever and in turn have envisioned the "fairytale proposal and wedding" since we first met because he is the only man I've ever been with and felt that way. I feel like a lot of times people look at that as a crime. I never even wanted to be married at all until I met him and my feelings on it completely changed. HE is the one that said he wanted to get married and move back home and I told him I would want us to go through the wedding first because #1 obviously it is costly, and be settled for a while before we can think about uprooting and moving 1000 miles away and #2 I do not want to make a life altering decision like moving away from the place that I love unless we are in a serious, committed relationship, i.e. marriage. 

I'm a little concerned by your phrasing here.  I get that, fine, you want to get married before you move. But, you guys live together, you're talking about marriage.  You SHOULD already be in a serious, committed relationship.  Having a ring and a marriage certificate doesn't make your relationship any more committed or valid.  

You shouldn't be discussing moving in terms of what he wants vs what you want.  It should be a compromise and "what's best for us?"  It's not about just him or just you.  It's about both of you and your combined happiness.

For example: BF and I know that in the next 5-ish years, we would like to get married, buy a house, and seriously consider having babies.  I don't have any expectations for a proposal any time soon.  But if he got a job offer in Korea tomorrow, we'd sit down and talk about what it meant for us, as a family, and not him vs me.  I love where we live. I'd love to buy a house and raise my kids here.  But if that's not what's best for us, then it doesn't matter.  Would we move to somewhere I don't want to live? Not unless there was a serious long term benefit out of it.  

Also, moving is costly too.  

I'm going to respectfully disagree with the bolded. A ring/engagement, no, but a marriage certificate certainly solidifies that commitment. If you can't walk away from something without legal intervention, that IS a bigger commitment. 

Now, if you have the commitment that you're going to get married and have that in the future, yes, you are committed. BUT, you can still walk away from it at any point. I'm not saying that non-married relationships are less valid, but there is a different level of commitment involved in a marriage. 

100% agree with @GoldenPenguin. 

Just last night I spoke with my sister, who has been with her BF for about 5 years now (longer than FI and I have been together). She said that they aren't planning on getting married anytime soon, for various reasons. Although they have been together for a long time, have moved to a different state together, and don't forsee breaking up, I absolutely consider my relationship to be more committed than theirs.  FI and I are ready to make a legal commitment to each other and to stand up in front of our friends and family to make that commitment. Our relationship hasn't drastically changed since we've gotten engaged, but it has changed in subtle and important ways. Although we've always talked about the future (house, kids, etc.), when we talk about those things now they just seem a lot more... imminent and real. 

Obviously there are different opinions on this, but I was in a serious, committed, wonderful relationship with FI before he was my FI - I just feel like we are even MORE committed now, and will be even MORE committed once we are married.

Dignity100

I agree with @GoldenPenguin, but I wonder if  @peekaboo2011 was getting more at the fact that after a marriage certificate is involved, it's not going to make you FEEL more in love with that person or any different about that person; it's not going to add a 'missing spark', chemistry or fireworks to the relationship.  But yes, there is a legally binding contract between you and your spouse when you get married so you are more committed.

peekaboo2011

GoldenPenguin said:

peekaboo2011 said:

Knottie17182144 said:

I love him and want to be with him forever and in turn have envisioned the "fairytale proposal and wedding" since we first met because he is the only man I've ever been with and felt that way. I feel like a lot of times people look at that as a crime. I never even wanted to be married at all until I met him and my feelings on it completely changed. HE is the one that said he wanted to get married and move back home and I told him I would want us to go through the wedding first because #1 obviously it is costly, and be settled for a while before we can think about uprooting and moving 1000 miles away and #2 I do not want to make a life altering decision like moving away from the place that I love unless we are in a serious, committed relationship, i.e. marriage. 

I'm a little concerned by your phrasing here.  I get that, fine, you want to get married before you move. But, you guys live together, you're talking about marriage.  You SHOULD already be in a serious, committed relationship.  Having a ring and a marriage certificate doesn't make your relationship any more committed or valid.  

You shouldn't be discussing moving in terms of what he wants vs what you want.  It should be a compromise and "what's best for us?"  It's not about just him or just you.  It's about both of you and your combined happiness.

For example: BF and I know that in the next 5-ish years, we would like to get married, buy a house, and seriously consider having babies.  I don't have any expectations for a proposal any time soon.  But if he got a job offer in Korea tomorrow, we'd sit down and talk about what it meant for us, as a family, and not him vs me.  I love where we live. I'd love to buy a house and raise my kids here.  But if that's not what's best for us, then it doesn't matter.  Would we move to somewhere I don't want to live? Not unless there was a serious long term benefit out of it.  

Also, moving is costly too.  

I'm going to respectfully disagree with the bolded. A ring/engagement, no, but a marriage certificate certainly solidifies that commitment. If you can't walk away from something without legal intervention, that IS a bigger commitment. 

Now, if you have the commitment that you're going to get married and have that in the future, yes, you are committed. BUT, you can still walk away from it at any point. I'm not saying that non-married relationships are less valid, but there is a different level of commitment involved in a marriage. 

My point is simply that you don't need the marriage to have that level of commitment. There are plenty of couples out there who are just as, if not more, committed than married couples I know.  They aren't married for various reasons - it's not legal, they don't believe the government/religion should have any view into that part of their lives, whatever.  If you have 100% decided, as a couple, that you are committed to each other no matter what, the paper isn't going to change that.

loves2shop4shoes

I completely agree with @GoldenPenguin on this.  You are not as committed when you're dating as you are when you're married.

Marriage legally, religiously, spiritually, financially, and publicly binds you to someone else.  Even the most committed form of dating does not do this.  And while I don’t think that you NEED to be married to be committed, I think marriage increases the level of commitment you have. 

I was definitely extremely committed to DH when we were dating, and that level of commitment only increased once we were engaged, and again once we were married.  While marriage doesn't change a really healthy relationship by much, it DOES change things.  You're married now.  You're not playing house.  You want to split?  That'll require legal intervention.  You want to make a big purchase?  It's "our" money now.  Your SO has a ton of debt?  That's your collective debt now. 

There are definitely differences.  And I'm not trying to belittle anyone else's relationship by saying so, but I think it's really naive to think that your level of commitment and outlook won't change at all after you get married.

GoldenPenguin

Dignity100 said:

I agree with @GoldenPenguin, but I wonder if  @peekaboo2011 was getting more at the fact that after a marriage certificate is involved, it's not going to make you FEEL more in love with that person or any different about that person; it's not going to add a 'missing spark', chemistry or fireworks to the relationship.  But yes, there is a legally binding contract between you and your spouse when you get married so you are more committed.

I agree with this - I don't think a marriage certificate makes your commitment to LOVE one another any deeper. However, there just IS a difference, once you sign that paper. 

You can 100% decide as a couple that you are committed to one another - but IF that changes, you can just walk away at any time. It's not that easy when you're married. The FEELINGS and EMOTION of commitment can absolutely be the same - but when you are legally bound to another person, that relationship IS different. 

FI & I aren't even married yet, but we're already legally bound because of the house. That wasn't something that we took lightly. When you have assets, and financials (bank accounts, etc), and possibly children involved... that just IS a bigger commitment.

Emotionally, no, I don't think a marriage certificate changes things. And I wouldn't say a married relationship is any more VALID than a non-married relationship. I think people can absolutely have a fully committed relationship without ever getting married.  

eilis1228

I agree with @GoldenPenguin and @loves2shop4shoes. Having a marriage certificate legally binds you to that person, which is a huge commitment. From a practical standpoint, it also allows you to share finances, health insurance, and assets, which can be important when moving, especially if one person does not have a job at the time of the move. I always told FI when we were dating that if he needed to move for work, I would definitely sit down and consider it, but I'd really need a ring on my finger to justify it. It's not that I didn't love him and that I wasn't committed to him-- I just needed to look out for myself too. Uprooting my own life and career for someone I'm not at least engaged was a huge risk that I wasn't 100% willing to make. 

This isn't true for all couples, of course. There is no right or wrong answer here. It's really what you're most comfortable with.

Knottie17182144

I agree with you 100%. It really is too much of a risk without that legal commitment. It's not a ploy for me to get him to propose sooner.. it's just me looking out for myself.

AlPacina

I feel you, OP. I will have been with my BF for 2 years next week, and we've lived together for a year and a half. The times that I have brought up getting engaged I've gotten "I know we're going to get married. It just really hasn't been that long."

The bigger part of me believes in him and wants him to be comfortable with such a huge decision, but then the other part of me asks "Well if you KNOW we're going to get married, then why does it make a difference when you ask me?"

It is suuuuper tough, but I am finding my groove. Gotta distract myself and learn to focus on how fun the relationship is, even though deep down I'm dying to take the next step. Sometimes I feel less loved because of it, but I know I'm not. It's gotta be a decision you two make together. When he's ready, it will happen and it will be awesome. Hopefully you both end up laughing about all the silly drama that came out of all of this. But you are totally not alone in this!

rn1989

Sounds like your BF isn't sure yet if he wants to commit himself to you. Maybe he's feeling pressured. I'd suggest really sitting down and talking. Be transparent, tell him how you feel. Have a legit conversation about it. I wish you guys the best of luck.

Knottie1463426215

Have you ever thought he was telling you he wasn't ready to throw you off? My now fiance acted very similarly in the months leading up to our engagement. It was all a ploy to throw me off.

My advice would be to focus on your relationship. The rest will come.

Knottie17182144

Thank you all

Knottie17182144

Good Morning, All-

Just a little update for anyone that may want to hear. Things just kept getting worse with SO and I no matter how hard I tried. He moved out this past weekend and it's probably one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. We have since talked and he completely regrets moving (and signing a 15 month lease). We have both come to realize all the mistakes we have made in our relationship and want to try so hard to fix them. We are going to stay "broken up" for a while, although are going to try really hard to fix ourselves so that we can be good again together. It almost feels like starting over in our relationship. I guess from here the hardest part will be if and when we decide to get back together, we have now downgraded from living together for a year to living 30 minutes away from each other. Everything is so confusing but hopefully we can work through it. Thanks for giving all of your advice!

lilacck28

Good luck! Hugs! It will all work out, either with him or without him.

KeptInStitches

@knottie17182144

Knottie17182144

Ha! Biggest smile I've had in 3 days!

teddygirl9

Deleted what I wrote.

Good luck with everything, I think whatever choice you make will be the right one for you