I'm kind of having a breakdown. Need support.

sophhabobopha

I've been a fucking mess this week and I feel like I need support from someone who's not also going through it. Or Fi, because he's not here.

We just found out that my beloved grampa has AIDs. We believe he's been living a double life for at least ten years, cheating on my grandma with various men. 

Also, no, we don't think men because gay=AIDs. It's other 'evidence' throughout the years that we've all been too blind to see.

Grandma is negitive, thank god, but she's distraught. He won't admit to any cheating, but we all know. Grandma refuses to admit that she knows, and we have to respect her decision to stay blind.

I'm so angry, and heart broken. They've been together for 50 years, and this is how he treats her? She's had fucking seven of his kids, and been nothing but wonderful, and he exposes her to a deadly dieses and cheats on her? I'm beyond myself. I don't know who this man is. He helped raise me, and I'm disgusted by him. Who this person is is not the grandfather I love.

We're going down to their house for Thanksgiving, and I don't know if I can look at him. My mom has asked to try to ask normally to him for my grandmother's sake, but I honestly don't think I can.

Fi's  out of town for work this week and I've just been crying nonstop. I guess I just need to tell someone who doesn't actually know me. 

esstee33

Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I don't even think there's anything I can possibly say to help, because you have every right to be angry and hurt. 

TBH, I don't think I could go to their house and act normally, and I think it's extremely unfair of your mom to ask you to just pretend like everything's peachy. 

smalfrie19

Oh honey. I am so sorry. I couldn't even begin to imagine that someone you are so close to is a lie. 

I would see if maybe you can talk to a therapist, not long term, but just someone to give outside professional perspective maybe. Just a couple times. 

just hugs... I have no other words. 

sophhabobopha

esstee33 said:

Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I don't even think there's anything I can possibly say to help, because you have every right to be angry and hurt. 

TBH, I don't think I could go to their house and act normally, and I think it's extremely unfair of your mom to ask you to just pretend like everything's peachy. 

She thinks so too. She's going to have just as hard of a time, but I think she believes it will help my grandma, somehow.

sophhabobopha

smalfrie19 said:

Oh honey. I am so sorry. I couldn't even begin to imagine that someone you are so close to is a lie. 

I would see if maybe you can talk to a therapist, not long term, but just someone to give outside professional perspective maybe. Just a couple times. 

just hugs... I have no other words. 

Thank you. My college offers free counsling so I've made an appointment for this week.

novella1186

That is a terrible thing to go through. I'm so sorry you and your family have to deal with this  

I have no advice, just hugs. If you're not ready for Thanksgiving I think that's ok. You've found out some devastating stuff and you deserve time to deal with it and process it however you need to. And again, I'm so sorry. 

Sugargirl1019

Oh my gosh I'm so sorry. Rant and act irrational on here all you want. Get it out of your system. I think asking you to act normal in front of your grandfather is BS. I am praying for peace and serenity for you and your family.

smalfrie19

sophhabobopha said:

smalfrie19 said:

Oh honey. I am so sorry. I couldn't even begin to imagine that someone you are so close to is a lie. 

I would see if maybe you can talk to a therapist, not long term, but just someone to give outside professional perspective maybe. Just a couple times. 

just hugs... I have no other words. 

Thank you. My college offers free counsling so I've made an appointment for this week.

Just take care of yourself. hugs time a million

sophhabobopha

I wish we weren't going. We have tickets to fly to my mom's and are driving. I guess my grandma needs the support, but it makes me sick.

esstee33

sophhabobopha said:

esstee33 said:

Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I don't even think there's anything I can possibly say to help, because you have every right to be angry and hurt. 

TBH, I don't think I could go to their house and act normally, and I think it's extremely unfair of your mom to ask you to just pretend like everything's peachy. 

She thinks so too. She's going to have just as hard of a time, but I think she believes it will help my grandma, somehow.

Yeah, I'm sure your grandma will be reassured and buoyed by the presence of familiar, caring people around her. They've been together for 50 years, and imagining a different life right now, without her husband, is probably emotionally traumatic on a whole other level, even without the obvious evidence of his cheating AND the fact that he exposed her to a deadly disease. But the fact remains that this is not going to be a fun, happy family gathering as usual. It's going to be tense, at best, and likely to end up in angry outbursts, which I doubt is going to make anyone feel better in the end. 

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

I'm so sorry to hear this.  It must be shocking.  I don't have advice but I do have internet hugs.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Thank goodness your grandmother tested negative.  Be there for her.

lovegood90

I'm so sorry to hear this! I don't have many words of wisdom, but it must be devastating to find out someone you were close to and looked up to isn't the person you thought they were. I hope you and your family can stay strong, and thank goodness your grandma has not contracted the disease as well.

ETA: also agree that you shouldn't feel pressured to pretend everything's fine when it's not; you should be allowed to be angry.

loves2shop4shoes

Does he have HIV or does he have AIDS?  If he has AIDS, he must be pretty sick! 

What a nightmare. I'm so sorry.

sophhabobopha

Thank you for the internet hugs. I'm the oldest grandchild by several years (I'm more of another sister), so I just hope my cousins don't know anything.

theartistformerlyknownas

OMG what a nightmare. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Disclaimer - you might not want to read this right now, so please feel free to skip on over it if you like...

but...

I would honestly try not to hold it against him for longer than you need to process this. He grew up in SUCH a different time... you stayed together no matter what, hid your feelings no matter what... I imagine he felt very confused and trapped for a good long minute. He's probably still pretty convinced he did the honorable thing by staying with her. And it's certainly not like he's had a lot of safe sex lessons recently. I know and we know it's a horrible and despicable deceit... but I just really have a hard time holding it against people who truly weren't brought up to know or act any better. Or maybe I just have a soft spot for old people, especially since my grandparents are gone. I don't know.

OK back to reading this part. I hope you can be there for your grandma and give her the type of holiday that will make her feel secure and loved. And I hope your grandpa can get some sufficient treatment to give him time to attempt to make this up to everyone he's hurt.

All the hugs to you right now. From a penguin.

sophhabobopha

loves2shop4shoes said:

Does he have HIV or does he have AIDS?  If he has AIDS, he must be pretty sick! 

What a nightmare. I'm so sorry.

Full on AIDS. I guess he looks pretty terrible. 

sophhabobopha

lolo883 said:

OMG what a nightmare. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Disclaimer - you might not want to read this right now, so please feel free to skip on over it if you like...

but...

I would honestly try not to hold it against him for longer than you need to process this. He grew up in SUCH a different time... you stayed together no matter what, hid your feelings no matter what... I imagine he felt very confused and trapped for a good long minute. He's probably still pretty convinced he did the honorable thing by staying with her. And it's certainly not like he's had a lot of safe sex lessons recently. I know and we know it's a horrible and despicable deceit... but I just really have a hard time holding it against people who truly weren't brought up to know or act any better. Or maybe I just have a soft spot for old people, especially since my grandparents are gone. I don't know.

OK back to reading this part. I hope you can be there for your grandma and give her the type of holiday that will make her feel secure and loved. And I hope your grandpa can get some sufficient treatment to give him time to attempt to make this up to everyone he's hurt.

All the hugs to you right now. From a penguin.

The strange thing is, no one in our family would have been angry if he had just come out and said, this is how it is. We've always been very accepting. I'm not sure why he would feel the need to lie. Especially now, he's caught, but he won't give her the truth. It's tearing me apart. ):

Those penguins are so cute.

sarawifenow

Oh Soph! I'm so sorry. I have no advice. I am here if you ever need anything!

theartistformerlyknownas

sophhabobopha said:

lolo883 said:

OMG what a nightmare. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Disclaimer - you might not want to read this right now, so please feel free to skip on over it if you like...

but...

I would honestly try not to hold it against him for longer than you need to process this. He grew up in SUCH a different time... you stayed together no matter what, hid your feelings no matter what... I imagine he felt very confused and trapped for a good long minute. He's probably still pretty convinced he did the honorable thing by staying with her. And it's certainly not like he's had a lot of safe sex lessons recently. I know and we know it's a horrible and despicable deceit... but I just really have a hard time holding it against people who truly weren't brought up to know or act any better. Or maybe I just have a soft spot for old people, especially since my grandparents are gone. I don't know.

OK back to reading this part. I hope you can be there for your grandma and give her the type of holiday that will make her feel secure and loved. And I hope your grandpa can get some sufficient treatment to give him time to attempt to make this up to everyone he's hurt.

All the hugs to you right now. From a penguin.

The strange thing is, no one in our family would have been angry if he had just come out and said, this is how it is. We've always been very accepting. I'm not sure why he would feel the need to lie. Especially now, he's caught, but he won't give her the truth. It's tearing me apart. ):

Those penguins are so cute.

It's easy to say that though, especially after the fact, in hindsight... might have been hard for him to believe it. I'm guessing he's in his 70's... he went through a lot of life where that just wasn't an easy admission to make. ESPECIALLY after a bunch of kids. All kinds of misguided expectations from the world - "man up," bottle up your emotions, tough it out.

Hang in there, love.

climbingsingle

Holy shit! I'm so sorry. I wish I had some words of advice. But for now I can give you all the internet hugs.
I honestly would have a hard time seeing him too. But try to keep thinking about your Grandmother. I'm sure your prescence there will mean so much to her.

KatieinBkln

I am so sorry. That's horrible!

I guess I'll go against the grain and say that you are by no means obligated to go to this particular Thanksgiving. I'm serious. If it's going to be too traumatic for you, skip it. Your grandmother has gone through a lot lately, that is true. But that also means that her granddaughter skipping Thanksgiving is the least of the things that will harm her.

It's a big decision, especially since your grandfather is really sick and you are not likely to see him many more times. But if it were me, I would weigh my ability to actually BE comforting to my grandmother against my pain and anger at my grandfather.

This is going to sound coldhearted, but I don't mean it to be: you can have all the sympathy in the world for your poor grandmother, but ultimately it isn't your job to "fix" it for her. Support is nice, but if you go, go because you love her and WANT to go. Not because you'll feel guilty if you don't.

levioosa

I don't have anything to say except I am so sorry.  Hugs to you.  

I know you don't want to go to Thanksgiving, but I would still go for your Grandmother.  Even though she is "blind" there is still most likely a part of her that feels betrayed and abandoned.  Knowing that you are there for her will help her through this difficult time.  She is probably reeling from the knowledge that there was a betrayal of trust and that soon she will no longer be with the person she has spent the majority of her life with.  Not to mention that caring for a loved one is draining, and she might feel guilty about even considering the possibility of leaving him or doubting him while he is so ill.  This doesn't make it any easier for you, but that might be where your Grandmother is coming from.  

Again, *hugs*, and I am so sorry.   

wandajune6

No advice, just hugs.

I'm so sorry!

chibiyui

hugs.

AddieCake

I'm terribly sorry. I hope your family is able to deal with everything in the best possible way.

esstee33

sophhabobopha said:

lolo883 said:

OMG what a nightmare. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Disclaimer - you might not want to read this right now, so please feel free to skip on over it if you like...

but...

I would honestly try not to hold it against him for longer than you need to process this. He grew up in SUCH a different time... you stayed together no matter what, hid your feelings no matter what... I imagine he felt very confused and trapped for a good long minute. He's probably still pretty convinced he did the honorable thing by staying with her. And it's certainly not like he's had a lot of safe sex lessons recently. I know and we know it's a horrible and despicable deceit... but I just really have a hard time holding it against people who truly weren't brought up to know or act any better. Or maybe I just have a soft spot for old people, especially since my grandparents are gone. I don't know.

OK back to reading this part. I hope you can be there for your grandma and give her the type of holiday that will make her feel secure and loved. And I hope your grandpa can get some sufficient treatment to give him time to attempt to make this up to everyone he's hurt.

All the hugs to you right now. From a penguin.

The strange thing is, no one in our family would have been angry if he had just come out and said, this is how it is. We've always been very accepting. I'm not sure why he would feel the need to lie. Especially now, he's caught, but he won't give her the truth. It's tearing me apart. ):

Those penguins are so cute.

The bolded is exactly why I have a very hard time feeling pity for him. It's one thing to have grown up in a generation where you stayed together at all costs, but it's entirely another to still actively try to deceive your family when you're completely and totally busted. If he wanted forgiveness, actually admitting he fucked up is the first step. Not continuing to lie to your loved ones. 

Simky906

I'm so sorry you're having to experience this! I have not had a family member become so ill due to their behavior, but I fully understand your anger. 

Three years ago, my father informed me that my papa has been a serial cheater on my granny for pretty much their entire marriage. We know of three children he has had outside of his marriage. According to dad, grandma knew about the first kid and briefly left papa, but came back. As far as we know, she is unaware (or wants to be unaware) of his other infidelities and the children they produced. Papa acts like it's no big deal; when dad asked him if he had any more kids (papa slowly admitted his other kids over the course of about six years to my dad. Dad was in his twenties at the time.) he said 'I plead the fifth.' Like his cheating is humorous, something to laugh about. 

And it sucks, because I can't say anything to granny. She's always seemed so fragile and I'm genuinely afraid that could kill her. I can't be the cause of that kind of pain. So every time I see them, I have to suck it up and smile and act like I'm ok with papa. 

 I know your pain must be magnified as well because of how carelessly he's played with your grandmothers health. I know all of this is unbearably awful. But I would honestly do my best for my grandma this thanksgiving, if you think you can. This doesn't mean that you always pretend to be nice to your grandpa, but I would try to get through this one holiday and go from there. Though if you genuinely can't face it, I would come down with a case of mono. There's no shame in that if it's too much for you to handle.

You're welcome to pm me if you want to talk more.

sophhabobopha

esstee33 said:

sophhabobopha said:

lolo883 said:

OMG what a nightmare. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Disclaimer - you might not want to read this right now, so please feel free to skip on over it if you like...

but...

I would honestly try not to hold it against him for longer than you need to process this. He grew up in SUCH a different time... you stayed together no matter what, hid your feelings no matter what... I imagine he felt very confused and trapped for a good long minute. He's probably still pretty convinced he did the honorable thing by staying with her. And it's certainly not like he's had a lot of safe sex lessons recently. I know and we know it's a horrible and despicable deceit... but I just really have a hard time holding it against people who truly weren't brought up to know or act any better. Or maybe I just have a soft spot for old people, especially since my grandparents are gone. I don't know.

OK back to reading this part. I hope you can be there for your grandma and give her the type of holiday that will make her feel secure and loved. And I hope your grandpa can get some sufficient treatment to give him time to attempt to make this up to everyone he's hurt.

All the hugs to you right now. From a penguin.

The strange thing is, no one in our family would have been angry if he had just come out and said, this is how it is. We've always been very accepting. I'm not sure why he would feel the need to lie. Especially now, he's caught, but he won't give her the truth. It's tearing me apart. ):

Those penguins are so cute.

The bolded is exactly why I have a very hard time feeling pity for him. It's one thing to have grown up in a generation where you stayed together at all costs, but it's entirely another to still actively try to deceive your family when you're completely and totally busted. If he wanted forgiveness, actually admitting he fucked up is the first step. Not continuing to lie to your loved ones. 

Exactly. 

beethery

I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. I don't know what to tell you besides that you are strong, mature, and you can get through it. I wish you and your family all the best.

princessleia22

sophhabobopha said:

lolo883 said:

OMG what a nightmare. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Disclaimer - you might not want to read this right now, so please feel free to skip on over it if you like...

but...

I would honestly try not to hold it against him for longer than you need to process this. He grew up in SUCH a different time... you stayed together no matter what, hid your feelings no matter what... I imagine he felt very confused and trapped for a good long minute. He's probably still pretty convinced he did the honorable thing by staying with her. And it's certainly not like he's had a lot of safe sex lessons recently. I know and we know it's a horrible and despicable deceit... but I just really have a hard time holding it against people who truly weren't brought up to know or act any better. Or maybe I just have a soft spot for old people, especially since my grandparents are gone. I don't know.

OK back to reading this part. I hope you can be there for your grandma and give her the type of holiday that will make her feel secure and loved. And I hope your grandpa can get some sufficient treatment to give him time to attempt to make this up to everyone he's hurt.

All the hugs to you right now. From a penguin.

The strange thing is, no one in our family would have been angry if he had just come out and said, this is how it is. We've always been very accepting. I'm not sure why he would feel the need to lie. Especially now, he's caught, but he won't give her the truth. It's tearing me apart. ):

Those penguins are so cute.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with that.  Here are a few thought I have:

 

He may not have wanted to admit who he was because he was afraid of disappointing his family. And he may still be in denial to himself about who he really is... and therefore would certainly not want to admit it to anyone else either. He may care about your grandmother enough that he doesn't want to leave her or ruin the marriage. And like lolo883 said, they were raised in different times.  During a time where being gay wasn't acceptable and he had little choice but to deny that side of himself and raise a family.  But, denying who you are isn't always easy. And just because he seems to like men and had affairs doesn't mean that he doesn't also love your grandmother and wants to avoid hurting her. It is possible that he loves her very much, but also has this other side to himself that he has tried to hide.  And especially after 50 years together, that's a lot to lose, especially if he does love her, and I'm sure neither of them wants to be single at this point in life.  All they know is each other.  That could also be why grandmother is refusing to really acknowledge it.  It's sometimes easier to live in denial than to face it and risk losing everything you've ever known your whole life.

I'd say you have a right to be angry and disappointed, but I'd try not to stay angry too long.  First, he is still the same grandfather you've always known.  And the cheating really affects his relationship with his wife, not necessarily with you.  I'm not saying you can't be disappointed in him, but he didn't betray you. He didn't intentionally do anything to hurt you.  I'm sure he didn't intend to hurt her either. And I'm sure he feels worse about the whole thing, especially risking your grandmothers health, and is angry with himself more than anyone else.  And on top of knowing that he's just disappointed your whole family and risked the health of his wife of 50+ years, he also has to face the fact that he has a terminal illness.  That's a lot to deal with all at once.  He may need some support from those he loves in order to get through this mess.  Going through all that with a good support system would be hard enough, but trying to do it knowing that everyone you love hates you would be nearly impossible to handle.

theartistformerlyknownas

I wouldn't say that I'd pity him, exactly... Maybe stop just south of condemning him though. I'd definitely be pissed as hell.