I'm kind of having a breakdown. Need support.

themuffinman16

Wow, I have no advice to give, but my I will keep you in my thoughts.  This is unbelievable, and then, to deal with this around the holidays, it  has to be even harder for you.  If you think it will be too difficult for you to attend Thanksgiving at Grandarents house, then don't.  Maybe you will be in a better place by Christmas or Easter. Then, your anger may not be as intense, and it might be easier to be around your grandfather.

Blergbot

So sorry you're going through this. Many hugs to you.

sophhabobopha

KatieinBkln said:

I am so sorry. That's horrible!

I guess I'll go against the grain and say that you are by no means obligated to go to this particular Thanksgiving. I'm serious. If it's going to be too traumatic for you, skip it. Your grandmother has gone through a lot lately, that is true. But that also means that her granddaughter skipping Thanksgiving is the least of the things that will harm her.

It's a big decision, especially since your grandfather is really sick and you are not likely to see him many more times. But if it were me, I would weigh my ability to actually BE comforting to my grandmother against my pain and anger at my grandfather.

This is going to sound coldhearted, but I don't mean it to be: you can have all the sympathy in the world for your poor grandmother, but ultimately it isn't your job to "fix" it for her. Support is nice, but if you go, go because you love her and WANT to go. Not because you'll feel guilty if you don't.

Thank you. That doesn't sound cold at all. 

I think I'll be needing to support my mom more than anything right now, because dad's skipping.

SBmini

I'm so sorry to hear about this. It is going to take a lot of your time for your family to heal from this. It sounds like both your grandparents are in denial. And as tough as this sounds- that's none of your business. You can only focus on you and your processing on what happened. Your grandparents are the only people who are responsible with dealing with their feelings. It isn't your place to try and make your grandfather admit anything or to make your grandmother believe it. All you can do is support your grandmother and perhaps cut your grandfather off.

I also echo lolo and would look at the situation through a different perspective. Your grandfather grew up in a different time. Without outward acceptance of homosexuality it is likely that he married your grandmother either unaware he was gay, with the hope that he would become straight, or to hide who he was. None of this makes what he did OK, but I'm sure he is humiliated and ashamed about what has happened.

My advise would be to seek counseling and to go to Thanksgiving to support your grandmother but to not say anything about the situation. I think your mom is right. Thanksgiving isn't the place to have this discussion.

larrygaga

Lolo said what I was going to say. It doesn't excuse his actions but it might be an explanation. I'm sorry you are going through this.

birdybride2014

Oh my word. I have no advice, only loves. My heart goes out to you, your family, your grandmother, and your grandfather.

This certainly isn't something that most people can relate to, which from my experiences makes it that much harder to come to terms with before even reaching the grieving process or whatever process would follow. I hope you can find some comfort soon from the traumatic experience, and I hope your grandmother is doing okay. 

sophhabobopha

Simky906 said:

I'm so sorry you're having to experience this! I have not had a family member become so ill due to their behavior, but I fully understand your anger. 

Three years ago, my father informed me that my papa has been a serial cheater on my granny for pretty much their entire marriage. We know of three children he has had outside of his marriage. According to dad, grandma knew about the first kid and briefly left papa, but came back. As far as we know, she is unaware (or wants to be unaware) of his other infidelities and the children they produced. Papa acts like it's no big deal; when dad asked him if he had any more kids (papa slowly admitted his other kids over the course of about six years to my dad. Dad was in his twenties at the time.) he said 'I plead the fifth.' Like his cheating is humorous, something to laugh about. 

And it sucks, because I can't say anything to granny. She's always seemed so fragile and I'm genuinely afraid that could kill her. I can't be the cause of that kind of pain. So every time I see them, I have to suck it up and smile and act like I'm ok with papa. 

 I know your pain must be magnified as well because of how carelessly he's played with your grandmothers health. I know all of this is unbearably awful. But I would honestly do my best for my grandma this thanksgiving, if you think you can. This doesn't mean that you always pretend to be nice to your grandpa, but I would try to get through this one holiday and go from there. Though if you genuinely can't face it, I would come down with a case of mono. There's no shame in that if it's too much for you to handle.

You're welcome to pm me if you want to talk more.

Oh god. This hit me so close because we call them Granny and Papa. She takes things so hard. I'm scared she's going to have a heart attack.

sophhabobopha

lolo883 said:

I wouldn't say that I'd pity him, exactly... Maybe stop just south of condemning him though. I'd definitely be pissed as hell.

It's such a strange feeling.  It feels so wrong to be so angry at him.

levieenrose

I'll keep good thoughts for you in my heart. I'm sorry that your grandfather has betrayed and continues to alienate his family while he is so sick. Wishing you peace and your family strength. 

sophhabobopha

SBmini said:

I'm so sorry to hear about this. It is going to take a lot of your time for your family to heal from this. It sounds like both your grandparents are in denial. And as tough as this sounds- that's none of your business. You can only focus on you and your processing on what happened. Your grandparents are the only people who are responsible with dealing with their feelings. It isn't your place to try and make your grandfather admit anything or to make your grandmother believe it. All you can do is support your grandmother and perhaps cut your grandfather off.

I also echo lolo and would look at the situation through a different perspective. Your grandfather grew up in a different time. Without outward acceptance of homosexuality it is likely that he married your grandmother either unaware he was gay, with the hope that he would become straight, or to hide who he was. None of this makes what he did OK, but I'm sure he is humiliated and ashamed about what has happened.

My advise would be to seek counseling and to go to Thanksgiving to support your grandmother but to not say anything about the situation. I think your mom is right. Thanksgiving isn't the place to have this discussion.

Yes. I'm very much a fixer, and that's making it very tough for me.

sophhabobopha

Thank you to all of you ladies. I feel so much less alone.

WOW That pic is huge.

And he's been slowly isloating himself from the family for the past few years, and that feels like a giant slap in the face after this. I have this fear that he's going to leave and never talk to any of us ever again.

Simky906

sophhabobopha said:

Simky906 said:

I'm so sorry you're having to experience this! I have not had a family member become so ill due to their behavior, but I fully understand your anger. 

Three years ago, my father informed me that my papa has been a serial cheater on my granny for pretty much their entire marriage. We know of three children he has had outside of his marriage. According to dad, grandma knew about the first kid and briefly left papa, but came back. As far as we know, she is unaware (or wants to be unaware) of his other infidelities and the children they produced. Papa acts like it's no big deal; when dad asked him if he had any more kids (papa slowly admitted his other kids over the course of about six years to my dad. Dad was in his twenties at the time.) he said 'I plead the fifth.' Like his cheating is humorous, something to laugh about. 

And it sucks, because I can't say anything to granny. She's always seemed so fragile and I'm genuinely afraid that could kill her. I can't be the cause of that kind of pain. So every time I see them, I have to suck it up and smile and act like I'm ok with papa. 

 I know your pain must be magnified as well because of how carelessly he's played with your grandmothers health. I know all of this is unbearably awful. But I would honestly do my best for my grandma this thanksgiving, if you think you can. This doesn't mean that you always pretend to be nice to your grandpa, but I would try to get through this one holiday and go from there. Though if you genuinely can't face it, I would come down with a case of mono. There's no shame in that if it's too much for you to handle.

You're welcome to pm me if you want to talk more.

Oh god. This hit me so close because we call them Granny and Papa. She takes things so hard. I'm scared she's going to have a heart attack.

I completely understand. I feel like in my situation, I have to be strong for granny. Family is so important to her. It really sucks, because I always want to fix things. Accepting that I cannot fix this, and that the best thing I can do is to show granny my love, took quite awhile. I still struggle with it sometimes. In regards to your feelings of anger, you're entitled to feel how you feel. Yes, there may be issues of social pressure/conformity with your papa. But he still put your granny in danger, and that alone is enough to make me angry.

CMGragain

sophhabobopha said:

lolo883 said:

I wouldn't say that I'd pity him, exactly... Maybe stop just south of condemning him though. I'd definitely be pissed as hell.

It's such a strange feeling.  It feels so wrong to be so angry at him.

Don't nurse your anger.  Be angry at the disease.  100 years ago. syphilis was incurable. The disease destroyed so many lives.  Finally medical science came up with the cure.  Now AIDS is the demon, and we should all support efforts to find a cure.
Please try to forgive your grandfather.  He is human, and he made mistakes.  That doesn't mean that he doesn't love his family.  Let your grandmother work things out for herself.  They will both need the support of family as they face the end of his life.  Blaming him won't help anybody.  Confronting your grandmother with the facts won't help her, either.  Just try to be there for both of them, and for each other.  You are all in my prayers.

SBmini

sophhabobopha said:

Yes. I'm very much a fixer, and that's making it very tough for me.

I know exactly where you are coming from. I'm a fixer too and it can be really hard to detach. I'm just starting to learn how to stay out of things that aren't my business to fix. Detaching doesn't mean you don't love the people involved or that you don't want to help them. It just means that you recognize that they are capable and responsible for handling their own affairs. 

Good luck, I hope that your grandparents get some help and are able to work through this.

esstee33

lolo883 said: OMG what a nightmare. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.


Disclaimer - you might not want to read this right now, so please feel free to skip on over it if you like...
but...
I would honestly try not to hold it against him for longer than you need to process this. He grew up in SUCH a different time... you stayed together no matter what, hid your feelings no matter what... I imagine he felt very confused and trapped for a good long minute. He's probably still pretty convinced he did the honorable thing by staying with her. And it's certainly not like he's had a lot of safe sex lessons recently. I know and we know it's a horrible and despicable deceit... but I just really have a hard time holding it against people who truly weren't brought up to know or act any better. Or maybe I just have a soft spot for old people, especially since my grandparents are gone. I don't know.

OK back to reading this part. I hope you can be there for your grandma and give her the type of holiday that will make her feel secure and loved. And I hope your grandpa can get some sufficient treatment to give him time to attempt to make this up to everyone he's hurt.
All the hugs to you right now. From a penguin.

I agree that he shouldn't necessarily be condemned, and I think I'm also just south of that. The bolded in your above post is what gets me, though:  I'm all but positive he was raised to believe infidelity is wrong. The odds of him having been raised to believe infidelity is OK are pretty low. It shouldn't matter if it was with a man or a woman. Adultery is adultery. 

I'm going to stop hijacking OPs thread with philosophical discussions and go take a bath now, though. 

jenna8984

I am so sorry. That is really terrible and I can't imagine how hard it must be on your entire family. Sorry that I don't have great advice like everyone else but you will be in my thoughts!! 

ohannabelle

So so sorry. And of course you're angry. 

This is a terrible thing. 

Don't go if your anger outweighs your ability to comfort Grandma. She needs to be able to deal with this in her own time, and there's only so much a person can handle at once. 

Huge internet hugs. And smart move, going to see a professional. 

I have no penguins. Just hugs.

sophhabobopha

CMGragain said:

sophhabobopha said:

lolo883 said:

I wouldn't say that I'd pity him, exactly... Maybe stop just south of condemning him though. I'd definitely be pissed as hell.

It's such a strange feeling.  It feels so wrong to be so angry at him.

Don't nurse your anger.  Be angry at the disease.  100 years ago. syphilis was incurable. The disease destroyed so many lives.  Finally medical science came up with the cure.  Now AIDS is the demon, and we should all support efforts to find a cure.
Please try to forgive your grandfather.  He is human, and he made mistakes.  That doesn't mean that he doesn't love his family.  Let your grandmother work things out for herself.  They will both need the support of family as they face the end of his life.  Blaming him won't help anybody.  Confronting your grandmother with the facts won't help her, either.  Just try to be there for both of them, and for each other.  You are all in my prayers.

Thank you. I very much doubt that it will be AIDS that kills him. He's only in his 60s and otherwise very healthy. I hope I can forgive him.

jdluvr06

I'm so sorry. Sending you so many hugs.

sophhabobopha

esstee33 said:

lolo883 said:

OMG what a nightmare. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Disclaimer - you might not want to read this right now, so please feel free to skip on over it if you like...

but...

I would honestly try not to hold it against him for longer than you need to process this. He grew up in SUCH a different time... you stayed together no matter what, hid your feelings no matter what... I imagine he felt very confused and trapped for a good long minute. He's probably still pretty convinced he did the honorable thing by staying with her. And it's certainly not like he's had a lot of safe sex lessons recently. I know and we know it's a horrible and despicable deceit... but I just really have a hard time holding it against people who truly weren't brought up to know or act any better. Or maybe I just have a soft spot for old people, especially since my grandparents are gone. I don't know.

OK back to reading this part. I hope you can be there for your grandma and give her the type of holiday that will make her feel secure and loved. And I hope your grandpa can get some sufficient treatment to give him time to attempt to make this up to everyone he's hurt.

All the hugs to you right now. From a penguin.

I agree that he shouldn't necessarily be condemned, and I think I'm also just south of that. The bolded in your above post is what gets me, though:  I'm all but positive he was raised to believe infidelity is wrong. The odds of him having been raised to believe infidelity is OK are pretty low. It shouldn't matter if it was with a man or a woman. Adultery is adultery. 

I'm going to stop hijacking OPs thread with philosophical discussions and go take a bath now, though. 

Mmmm great idea. It's -2 here.

And yes, the whole thing is very  confusing. I have symphathy about him hiding and struggling with his sexual oriantation, as he was raised Catholic, but I'm sick to think about him betraying my granny.

sophhabobopha

And now stepdad is trying to guilt me into leaving Fi at home to spare him the 'awkwardness'. He's not going to be there, and I'm a little angry that because he chooses not to support his wife in a difficult time that he thinks Fi would do the same.

sophhabobopha

ohannabelle said:

So so sorry. And of course you're angry. 

This is a terrible thing. 

Don't go if your anger outweighs your ability to comfort Grandma. She needs to be able to deal with this in her own time, and there's only so much a person can handle at once. 

Huge internet hugs. And smart move, going to see a professional. 

I have no penguins. Just hugs.

I'm hoping that she gets out of this okay. Thank you.

blabla89

I just want to give you all the hugs right now. I don't have any helpful advice, but seeing a professional will really help to begin processing all your feelings.

vegasbride2015

There aren't any words I can say, just how sorry I am that your family is going through this. A little insight - you made mention of your mom wanting him there for your grandmother's sake, maybe it is because she wants a sense of normalcy for your grandmother. On the flip side, there is a lot of betrayal and anger and hurt right now, and that is hard to keep under wraps. I wish you nothing but peace this holiday season. Sending tons of hugs.

NYCMercedes

Vent here all you want. Grandpa is a scoundrel, but Granny and Mom need you.

sophhabobopha

Thanks y'all. You ladies are the bomb.

MobKaz

sophhabobopha said:

CMGragain said:

sophhabobopha said:

lolo883 said:

I wouldn't say that I'd pity him, exactly... Maybe stop just south of condemning him though. I'd definitely be pissed as hell.

It's such a strange feeling.  It feels so wrong to be so angry at him.

Don't nurse your anger.  Be angry at the disease.  100 years ago. syphilis was incurable. The disease destroyed so many lives.  Finally medical science came up with the cure.  Now AIDS is the demon, and we should all support efforts to find a cure.
Please try to forgive your grandfather.  He is human, and he made mistakes.  That doesn't mean that he doesn't love his family.  Let your grandmother work things out for herself.  They will both need the support of family as they face the end of his life.  Blaming him won't help anybody.  Confronting your grandmother with the facts won't help her, either.  Just try to be there for both of them, and for each other.  You are all in my prayers.

Thank you. I very much doubt that it will be AIDS that kills him. He's only in his 60s and otherwise very healthy. I hope I can forgive him.

I have been reading this and picturing your grandparents as these frail, elderly, depression-era folks.  I am facing 60 square in the eye.  I have older siblings, and many of my friends are in their mid to upper 60's.  I have a few friends in their early 70's.  I'm sorry to say that I have almost no sympathy for your grandfather.  He grew up basically in the same era as did I.  Unless he lived in a bubble, he had/has access to the same multitude of communication/news/current events as I.  He knew he was cheating, and I agree with @esstee33, cheating is cheating.  He had to have been WELL aware of the health risks he took having unprotected sex, as well as the risk he potentially passed on to your grandmother.  I would have nothing but anger toward the man.  Being a human and making mistakes is one thing.  Living a complete life of lies and deceit for at least 10 years is an entirely different ballgame. 

I know my words are offering you no comfort. I'm not even quite sure myself why I am reacting in such a visceral way.  I think this would be a good time to start a new Thanksgiving tradition and have someone other than grandma host the dinner.  Make grandpa choose whether he can face the music somewhere other than his home turf. 

I think pretending nothing happened will help no one.  There is a complete lack of trust right now.  That is no way for anyone to live.  No one can move forward with their lives or emotions unless/until the current is owned and discussed.  I am sorry you are dealing with this.

sophhabobopha

MobKaz said:

sophhabobopha said:

CMGragain said:

sophhabobopha said:

lolo883 said:

I wouldn't say that I'd pity him, exactly... Maybe stop just south of condemning him though. I'd definitely be pissed as hell.

It's such a strange feeling.  It feels so wrong to be so angry at him.

Don't nurse your anger.  Be angry at the disease.  100 years ago. syphilis was incurable. The disease destroyed so many lives.  Finally medical science came up with the cure.  Now AIDS is the demon, and we should all support efforts to find a cure.
Please try to forgive your grandfather.  He is human, and he made mistakes.  That doesn't mean that he doesn't love his family.  Let your grandmother work things out for herself.  They will both need the support of family as they face the end of his life.  Blaming him won't help anybody.  Confronting your grandmother with the facts won't help her, either.  Just try to be there for both of them, and for each other.  You are all in my prayers.

Thank you. I very much doubt that it will be AIDS that kills him. He's only in his 60s and otherwise very healthy. I hope I can forgive him.

I have been reading this and picturing your grandparents as these frail, elderly, depression-era folks.  I am facing 60 square in the eye.  I have older siblings, and many of my friends are in their mid to upper 60's.  I have a few friends in their early 70's.  I'm sorry to say that I have almost no sympathy for your grandfather.  He grew up basically in the same era as did I.  Unless he lived in a bubble, he had/has access to the same multitude of communication/news/current events as I.  He knew he was cheating, and I agree with @esstee33, cheating is cheating.  He had to have been WELL aware of the health risks he took having unprotected sex, as well as the risk he potentially passed on to your grandmother.  I would have nothing but anger toward the man.  Being a human and making mistakes is one thing.  Living a complete life of lies and deceit for at least 10 years is an entirely different ballgame. 

I know my words are offering you no comfort. I'm not even quite sure myself why I am reacting in such a visceral way.  I think this would be a good time to start a new Thanksgiving tradition and have someone other than grandma host the dinner.  Make grandpa choose whether he can face the music somewhere other than his home turf. 

I think pretending nothing happened will help no one.  There is a complete lack of trust right now.  That is no way for anyone to live.  No one can move forward with their lives or emotions unless/until the current is owned and discussed.  I am sorry you are dealing with this.

Thank you. I've never had emotions like this and it puts a bad taste in my mouth. The idea of him alianating everyone so much that he ends up dying alone haunts me, but if that happens he will have no one to blame but himself.

ETA

He had three sisters that had all passed, but all I can think of is how ashamed his closest sister would have been. 

STARMOON44

When faced with impossibly difficult situations, I've never looked back with regret at being too generous, too forgiving, too understanding, or too slow to judge. Obviously it's tremendously difficult, but you'll never know the "truth" here. No outsider can ever really know the truth of a marriage. Your grandmother wants a nice thanksgiving with a pleasant family. I'd consider that your gift to her. Your hurt and confusion and anger, as someone more removed from the situation, comes below her feelings in importance.

And honestly your Grandfather has AIDs. I don't care what he did or how he got it. I still think compassion would be more appropriate than judgment.

But, all of this is heavily influenced by my Chrustian values which I know you may not share. I just find that no matter how hard it is, when I strive to be more loving and more forgiving I'm always glad I did.