Where are my child-free by choice ladies?

climbingsingle

H and I are 99.9% sure we're not having kids. We've discussed it at length many times, and we are both in agreement that it's not what we want for our lives. 

When I spend time with my friends with children, I know it's not for me for many reasons. However, there are times when I either see a picture of a couple with their baby, or I see my friends with their infants, and something pulls at my heart. Maybe it's just that I like babies, as this certainly doesn't happen with older children. Whatever it is, it freaks me the hell out. I know long term, it's not what I want. But I spent all week thinking about babies. 

Have any of you experienced this? 

mikenberger

FI and I are child free by choice as well and I totally understand where you're coming from. I have 11 nieces and nephews and every time I hold one or take one for the day, I get a little twinge. But yeah, once I give it some rational thought, NOPE. Definitely not for me. 

It took me a long time to come to terms that I'm not maternal (because society and some other women put SUCH a big emphasis on having children means you're a woman) but I know that for me and my life, it's the right choice. 

lacqueredlover

I honestly never really wanted kids.  Babies absolutely terrify me, I'm annoyed by kids who are obnoxious in restaurants, I judged parents for not "parenting correctly" and have a deep seated fear of creating a fucked up child.  I also was convinced I might smother a baby for crying too much.  Plus I felt I was inherently too selfish to procreate, I like to travel and all sorts of other stuff.  So I totally understand where you are coming from.

I will say that in the past year, I've changed my tune a LOT.  My FI has 2 kids and spending time with them, I see how awesome it can be having kids.  I see how rewarding it is when they learn to read, when they figure out how to go on the swing by themselves, and when they throw themselves at you and pepper you with kisses and tell you they love you.  I also see how ridiculously hard it is and how much you still want to strangle them when they won't eat anything but cereal and pizza, when they literally cry because they are cold in the grocery store rather than moving 4 feet away from the refrigerator and when they tell you that you are no fun and they don't like you because you won't read a 4th story before bed.  

I still struggle a LOT with whether I want a kid of my own.  So yeah, I'm not help to you at all haha.  Just I get it.  When I see my friends with babies now, I find more often I'm imagining it being me.  But at the same time, also being glad that it's not.

ShesSoCold

H and I are also very sure we don't want kids. We're still in our 20s so no permanent solutions yet, but we're pretty sure. 

My niece is about a year and a half and sometimes I see her and think "oh my god how sweet" and wonder if I want that. The other day she kept reaching for my SIL to give her a hug. It was so sweet. 

And my H is one the sweetest, most patient men I've ever known, but he's got the male equivalent to resting bitch face, has tattoos and just looks "mean". He would be the sweetest cutest, best dad. 

But then reality sets in and nope nope nope. 

climbingsingle

mikenberger said:

FI and I are child free by choice as well and I totally understand where you're coming from. I have 11 nieces and nephews and every time I hold one or take one for the day, I get a little twinge. But yeah, once I give it some rational thought, NOPE. Definitely not for me. 

It took me a long time to come to terms that I'm not maternal (because society and some other women put SUCH a big emphasis on having children means you're a woman) but I know that for me and my life, it's the right choice. 

That's exactly it. Once I think about it rationally, I know it's not something I want. But maybe a tiny part of my brain is romanticizing it. 

The weird thing is, I am and feel very maternal to my dog. I just don't want kids. I know that sounds strange. 

daria24

We're CFC. However I'm opposite of you,  I feel absolutely NOTHING holding babies-relatives, close friends kids, it doesn't matter. If I see a kitten or a puppy my heart wants to explode. But children of any age? Not a damn twinge. 

I have a close friend who is CFC who loves kids-of all ages. She loves spending time with her nieces and nephews, with her friends' kids. She just acknowledges that 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, it's not something she wants. 

buttercup1958

V and I have talked about this a lot. Since we both have serious health problems we are on the fence with kids. We are both young so we have plenty of time to figure it out. We have agreed that we would go to a doctor and see if there would be any high risk health problems our kids may have. Plus we want to travel and do a lot of things. I want to focus on my career and see new places.

I'm ot saying you can't with kids but when I picture our future I can see kids or not see kids. So I guess we will see. Also we have talked about adoptation so that may be an option. But I don't get that feeling like I really really want kids. So I feel like to be a mom you should really want them. So who knows ha.

littlemushroom

We are not having kids by choice. I like the idea of having kids/a baby when I think about it more abstractly. They are so cute, the hugs, teaching them to throw a ball, holiday dinners, etc. But when we narrow it down to what is actually involved, being pregnant, no sleep, so expensive, can't travel, , we still come back to the fact it isn't what we want for ourselves.

I liken it to the grandparent syndrome for myself. I like all the cute and fun, but don't want all the logistics that come with actually having one of my own. I love playing with and holding my BFF's baby and seeing cute babies while out and about, but I am still happy I don't have to plan my life and schedule around an infant.

Choosing not to have kids doesn't mean you have to not like kids. You can like babies without wanting to have one. The two are not part and parcel of each other.

ShesSoCold

littlemushroom said:

We are not having kids by choice. I like the idea of having kids/a baby when I think about it more abstractly. They are so cute, the hugs, teaching them to throw a ball, holiday dinners, etc. But when we narrow it down to what is actually involved, being pregnant, no sleep, so expensive, can't travel, , we still come back to the fact it isn't what we want for ourselves. I liken it to the grandparent syndrome for myself. I like all the cute and fun, but don't want all the logistics that come with actually having one of my own. I love playing with and holding my BFF's baby and seeing cute babies while out and about, but I am still happy I don't have to plan my life and schedule around an infant. Choosing not to have kids doesn't mean you have to not like kids. You can like babies without wanting to have one. The two are not part and parcel of each other.

This. I've said 100 times that I want to be a grandma, but not a mom. I'll be totally content as an aunt. 

amelisha

My fiance would love to have kids, but we're both too, uh, financially responsible (see: cheap) to do it unless he's making a ton more money. I refuse to leave my job for however long (or pay for exorbitant daycare) unless we can live very comfortably on the one income. I don't want to have to struggle or give up vacations etc. to have kids. So we're definitely staying childfree unless his salary doubles before I hit, say, 32. And unless we move somewhere with enough space for an au pair or something.

I'm also terrified of childbirth and the effects of pregnancy...I really, really don't want those changes to my body. Fiance laughs it off a bit, but he's not the one who has to go through it. I've also told him that I'm not having babies unless he can afford to pay for the cosmetic surgery to put everything back where it was before.

I'm honestly not a princess...like, we live pretty simply and are big savers, and I'm not vain either (I just hate my body enough as it is that I can't imagine dealing with it if it's even worse...not to mention the possibilities of stuff like tearing and abs splitting.) I just really like our life the way it is and I've never really felt compelled to have kids of my own.

My mom runs a dayhome and I've been a nanny overseas twice, and I know what it's like to have kids in your life. I don't want it. I like kids, but other people's are fine.

mikenberger

ClimbingBrideNY said:

mikenberger said:

FI and I are child free by choice as well and I totally understand where you're coming from. I have 11 nieces and nephews and every time I hold one or take one for the day, I get a little twinge. But yeah, once I give it some rational thought, NOPE. Definitely not for me. 

It took me a long time to come to terms that I'm not maternal (because society and some other women put SUCH a big emphasis on having children means you're a woman) but I know that for me and my life, it's the right choice. 

That's exactly it. Once I think about it rationally, I know it's not something I want. But maybe a tiny part of my brain is romanticizing it. 

The weird thing is, I am and feel very maternal to my dog. I just don't want kids. I know that sounds strange. 

Haha I feel very motherly towards my cat as well. That's my baby! But yeah, human children... Eeeee no thanks.

Its been really hard on my parents to accept my decision. I literally hide my BC when my mother and FMIL come over. Theyve, I think jokingly, made comments about comprising it.

Maggie0829

I 100% understand your feelings.  I am pretty darn sure I don't want kids and H is the same way. But then I see people with their kids and I get a small twinge in my heart.  Of course that only happens when the kid is not acting like a wild animal.  If the kid is running around screaming their little head off and shouting "NO!" then I just give H a knowing look and we walk in the opposite direction.

I love the relationship I have with my Mom and I always think that it would be amazing to have the same type of relationship with a kid of my own, but of course there is no guarantee that will happen. And like my Mom said, kids NEVER go away even when they become adults...they will still be there making you worry and stressing you out and needing your help well into your silver haired years.

In the end it is a really hard decision that H and I haven't fully 100% made yet  So right now we are a big fat no, but who knows what the next years will bring.

raissyrais

100% child free by choice here! After spending some time with my 1 year old nephew, I think that maybe I would want one one day. He's cute and you can see that unconditional love right there. But this feeling disappears after a day or two. Then I'm grounded again in my choice of being child free. And my FI does not want any either.

But, and that's a big BUT, if one of us ever ever feels differently at some point in time, we will discuss about it and see how we feel when we get there.

PrettyGirlLost

daria24 said:

We're CFC. However I'm opposite of you,  I feel absolutely NOTHING holding babies-relatives, close friends kids, it doesn't matter. If I see a kitten or a puppy my heart wants to explode. But children of any age? Not a damn twinge. 

I have a close friend who is CFC who loves kids-of all ages. She loves spending time with her nieces and nephews, with her friends' kids. She just acknowledges that 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, it's not something she wants. 

Yep, the bolded is me.  In fact I actively avoid holding babies- they make me uncomfortable, and I can't take the puking and all the mucus.  It makes me gag, lol.

I like spending time with kids, but I also really like giving them back to their parents at some point in time.

Maggie0829

scribe95 said:

My husband and I are quasi-child-free. He had a five-year old daughter from a previous marriage when we met. He had custody on weekends etc. I have never wanted to have a child and he seemed content when we met to stick with one. We checked in with each other every few years and our feelings didn't change. 

At age 12, my stepdaughter moved in with us and now is in our lives full time (long complicated story about crazy mother and custody battles). It has been a rough go but we seem to have settled into a groove. (knock on wood.)

But I regularly still have feelings that I don't say out loud that I basically hate parenting. I don't understand why people love it. I think there is something wrong or missing in me sometimes. And then I cry. A lot. Been going to a therapist and he has helped me a lot. 

I don't think there is anything wrong or missing in you.  Parenting is not for everyone and really parenting is probably one of the worst aspects of having a kid IMO.  The outcomes from parenting are what people love, like when their kid follows the rules, makes friends, does well in school, becomes a successful adult, but the actual nitty-gritty of parenting (the disciplining, the yelling, the scolding, the long nights, the stress, etc) that is not fun and if people do say that they love that part then I think they need to get their heads checked.  And that right there is why I really don't want to have kids.  I don't know if I want to work that hard when it comes to raising another human being. I just don't think I have that in me.  I may just be too selfish and that is okay with me.

princessleia22

Yep, I'm the same way.  I'm 35 and DH is 40, so I think we are past the "oh, you are young and will change your mind" phase that everyone used to claim I was in. We love spending time with our nieces & nephew.  We like other people's kids and you can often find us talking to or playing with the neighbor kids.  But, we just don't want any of our own.  I also get that twinge sometimes, but then I realize that I'm pretty happy with my life and very content spoiling the other kids in my life and my awesome dogs. And I'm pretty career oriented. I know we would make good parents (if birth control were to fail or something) and I do have a maternal instinct, but I redirect it to my pups and DH. And we have talked about maybe becoming foster parents if that twinge ever gets too strong, but I'm not sure if that will ever happen.  If that twinge gets going, we just go play with the nieces & nephew or the neighbor kids... and love that we can give them back after a few hours.

Cookie Pusher

I have never ever felt what my friends describe as "ovary twitches". Not once. I love kids and kids love me. I'm the first one to crawl on the floor with them, to play silly games, and have a good time. I think babies are (for the most part) adorable. My friends kids are the bee's knees, and I happily play baby-sitter for kids of family and close friends.

I have never, even in some floaty, frilly, girly fantasy, ever pictured myself having children. As a child, I never played with baby dolls. When we'd play house or pretend, I was never a mommy or stay-at-home of any type. I was always the President or a high powered lawyer or a professor or astronaut or anything besides a mother.

Having done a brief stint with DYFS (social services for children and families), I saw every day just how many people were not cut out to be parents. The theory that your feelings change and you will automatically love a baby/child just because it's yours is just not true, and it's a disservice to women that those of us who choose not to have children are somehow broken.

[Deleted User]

mrs4everhart

I've never wanted kids. When I was much younger I'd say I was waiting until I was 25 to think more seriously about it. Then 25 came and went and I'd say the same thing about 30. In truth I knew it was never going to happen. I feel nothing at all around babies and children. Actually, I really don't care for them for a variety of reasons. DH feels the same.

I'm grateful I never had pressure from relatives. Although I would have shut that sort of thing down with a quickness. I feel terrible for people whose family won't STFU about such a personal decision. 

I've always felt that babies should be wanted completely. They're not accessories and they grow up, but they never go away. Putting yet another human being on the planet isn't a flippant decision and based on the amount of unwanted and uncared for children out there, I'd say too many people didn't think things through very well before venturing forth into the world of parenting.

I'm quite content with DH and our bulldog. He's all the baby I need (the bulldog that is).

I will admit that the only time I think about having no heirs is when I get sentimental about our stuff. Heirlooms, good jewelry, that sort of thing. Then I remember no matter how sentimental/expensive/whatever it's still just stuff and at the end of the day why should I worry where it ends up after we're dead, because well, we'll be dead and won't know anyway. Having someone to give our stuff to after we're dead never seemed a good enough reason to have children. It always sounded to me like we cared more for our stuff than actually having children, and that's a terrible reason to have kids.

southernbelle0915

DH wants kids. I mostly do not. Sometimes I really think he wants them because "that's what you do" when you get older and married. He thinks one of us should stay home with them - probably me because he makes more money than I do. He comes from a very traditional background.

My whole thing is that I want to be a grandparent, have big family get togethers, a bunch of grandkids... and then I want everyone to leave so H and I can go on a trip to Italy. But I don't want to raise any children, pregnancy is terrifying, and I don't even like babies. So really I'm looking to skip everything until the kid is financially established and has kids of their own. Plus I want everyone to be drama free. Not going to happen, is it?

Jells2dot0

I was child free by choice, but since I went through my cancer treatment, I believe I'm now child free by chemo sterilization. LOL

DH has kids, though they are 20 and 23. Not exactly youngins. When we met, they were pre-teens and hellions. Being in a house with two teenage girls was enough to make my ovaries self destruct. He's now 52, so having kids at this stage in life pretty much ruins retirement.

I have never felt scared about my decision nor do any baby interactions tug at my heart strings. When my friends ask me to hold their babies, I do so but awkwardly and without feeling. I can't help it, I can't change it and nor do I want to! It boils down to the fact that I'm super selfish. I had to compromise a lot to be married and with my current DH, the compromise was easy because he understands that about me and what I do for a living.

Basically, I'm my father, except that my dad should have never had kids and I recognize that about myself and will not have any kids. I highly value my free time, sleeping 10 hours a night, flexibility, and extra discretionary income.

Bubblegum5586

Maggie0829 said: I 100% understand your feelings.  I am pretty darn sure I don't want kids and H is the same way. But then I see people with their kids and I get a small twinge in my heart.  Of course that only happens when the kid is not acting like a wild animal.  If the kid is running around screaming their little head off and shouting "NO!" then I just give H a knowing look and we walk in the opposite direction.
I love the relationship I have with my Mom and I always think that it would be amazing to have the same type of relationship with a kid of my own, but of course there is no guarantee that will happen. And like my Mom said, kids NEVER go away even when they become adults...they will still be there making you worry and stressing you out and needing your help well into your silver haired years.
In the end it is a really hard decision that H and I haven't fully 100% made yet  So right now we are a big fat no, but who knows what the next years will bring.

---------- no quote boxes---------- I differ in the fact that I want to want to have children. But I just don't right now and I fear I never will. But I want to want to! As PPs have said I am just really happy with how our life is and I don't want to drastically change that.

To @Maggie0829 first bolded. Yes a thousand times. On the rare occasion I start to feel that want, we'll end up at a family party and the kids are crazy! And I am like "oh hell no! I will enjoy my beer and socialize vs having to watch my crazy child and then go home after and crash and don't have to worry about bathing my child and getting to bed"

And to the 2nd bolded. This also yes a thousand times. I am super close with my mom and my sister. The idea of sharing that relationship with a daughter sounds amazing. But maybe I'll only have boys... maybe we wont get along at all... I mean too many variables but it does sound nice in that perfect scenario!

climbingsingle

Thanks everyone. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that feels like this! H is 41 and I'm 34. so while technically we would still have time, it's pretty much been decided. And I feel extremely happy with that decision. It's just that "what if" thought that I hate. I'm hoping my brother will someday have kids, so that I can be an aunt. And then I can get out all my baby cravings, and hand the kid back later. 

What's definitely made this easier is that my parents are 100% on board with us not having kids. They've not once pressured me. In fact, my mom has drilled into me for years how much work it is. MIL would probably sabotage my BC pills, but at least she lives in Florida. 

novella1186

I can totally relate to a lot of this. FI and I think we might want kids, but definitely not any time soon. I'm 28 so it's not like I have 20 years to wait, but I seriously do not feel the biological clock ticking at all. I guess I took the batteries out of that stupid clock.

When I see my friends' kids or babies or whatever, no twinge at all. Mostly fear, and sometimes disgust (like when they have snot all over their face and it kind of horrifies me).

But I'm very maternal with my dogs. So whatever. Maybe I'll never have kids. Maybe I'll just become an even crazier dog parent (like the type who dresses them in outfits for every occasion and puts pictures of each outfit all over facebook). I'm not even gonna lie, both my dogs-- yep even the huge one-- have ugly Christmas sweaters.

climbingsingle

novella1186 said:

I can totally relate to a lot of this. FI and I think we might want kids, but definitely not any time soon. I'm 28 so it's not like I have 20 years to wait, but I seriously do not feel the biological clock ticking at all. I guess I took the batteries out of that stupid clock.

When I see my friends' kids or babies or whatever, no twinge at all. Mostly fear, and sometimes disgust (like when they have snot all over their face and it kind of horrifies me).

But I'm very maternal with my dogs. So whatever. Maybe I'll never have kids. Maybe I'll just become an even crazier dog parent (like the type who dresses them in outfits for every occasion and puts pictures of each outfit all over facebook). I'm not even gonna lie, both my dogs-- yep even the huge one-- have ugly Christmas sweaters.

My dog has a really cute striped sweater that I love to put on her. She absolutely hates it though, and has finally figured out how to get out of it. 

NowIamMrsKlein

I've never wanted kids, and never picture myself as a mom. People always find this weird because I'm really good with kids. Kids love me. Im like a child whisperer. (I believe its because being only 5 feet tall I am not a big scary intimidating adult and kids just think of me as one of their people)

But I like that I can give the kids back. See them at their best and pass them off to someone else at their worst. I've always felt like I lack that motherly instinct, or that 'womanly' pull towards children. There is no 'ticking clock' for me. I feel like I'm missing the motherhood gene. hahah

My FI however really wants kids. He knows where I stand on them and would be ok if I said 'nope, not happening' however I know that he is hoping that I will change my mind, and I most likely will. While I may not have any of the motherly instincts, he is a natural and would make the most adorable and attentive father ever.

I think right now for me a big factor in the 'its not going to happen' is our geography and situation. We live far away from any relatives, in a town that has 1 doctor for 20,000 people. To me as someone who is leary about kids, the thought of having a child in our current situation is panic inducing. But maybe one day after we are married and we've moved back to civilization and closer to family and are settled into somewhere we want to be long term maybe the clock will start to tick a little more loudly.

smalfrie19

Us to. Part of it is our age difference. H is is 37, I am 23. But I just REALLY do not want to go through the new born stage. the BFing, the sleepless nights. I have a hard time managing my emotions as a normal person, I don't have confidence in maintaining my sanity with a newborn and my mental health is most important to me. 

I love kids. I have a ton of friends with kids and I love to be around the kids. I just don't want them. 

H and I have discussed that if we change our mind, we will foster to adopt. 

Maggie0829

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Thanks everyone. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that feels like this! H is 41 and I'm 34. so while technically we would still have time, it's pretty much been decided. And I feel extremely happy with that decision. It's just that "what if" thought that I hate. I'm hoping my brother will someday have kids, so that I can be an aunt. And then I can get out all my baby cravings, and hand the kid back later. 

What's definitely made this easier is that my parents are 100% on board with us not having kids. They've not once pressured me. In fact, my mom has drilled into me for years how much work it is. MIL would probably sabotage my BC pills, but at least she lives in Florida. 

My parents are the same way.  I have told my Mom that I don't think I want kids and her response..."Your life, your uterus.  And I love being a Grandmom to your furbaby!"

My sister has a daughter and a baby on the way.  My Mom loves her granddaughter a ridiculous amount but she always told my sister and I that she did not care either way when it came to us having kids.

Now my MIL, that is a different story.

lacqueredlover

My FMIL surprised me recently by telling me she hoped that my FI and I would have kids.  She HATES his ex wife and repeatedly has told me about how you really need to be careful who you have kids with so that was interesting.  My mom hopes I will want to have one because she and I have such a great relationship (my parents do with my brother as well) and she sees how much I enjoy the step kids.  But there is a big difference between my step kids who I can enjoy for a few days and then have a few days off and being a full time parent.

ShesSoCold

Maggie0829 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Thanks everyone. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that feels like this! H is 41 and I'm 34. so while technically we would still have time, it's pretty much been decided. And I feel extremely happy with that decision. It's just that "what if" thought that I hate. I'm hoping my brother will someday have kids, so that I can be an aunt. And then I can get out all my baby cravings, and hand the kid back later. 

What's definitely made this easier is that my parents are 100% on board with us not having kids. They've not once pressured me. In fact, my mom has drilled into me for years how much work it is. MIL would probably sabotage my BC pills, but at least she lives in Florida. 

My parents are the same way.  I have told my Mom that I don't think I want kids and her response..."Your life, your uterus.  And I love being a Grandmom to your furbaby!"

My sister has a daughter and a baby on the way.  My Mom loves her granddaughter a ridiculous amount but she always told my sister and I that she did not care either way when it came to us having kids.

Now my MIL, that is a different story.

Maggie we sound the same. My mom was totally okay with me not having kids. And I was so close with her so now that she;s passed, I don't think I could have kids without her to help me. I didn't want them anyway though.

My H is my MIL's only child so my uterus is her only hope. Luckily (in this situation) she's a giant douche so we don't care that she's so upset that we don't want kids.

doeydo

Yes, I admit that sometimes when I am around well behaved child I do get that white picket fence, happy family, opening presents at Christmas kind of image/temptation in my head.  But, that's not real life.  I'd much rather be surrounded by cats, and get a dog and maybe a rabbit down the road.