Chit Chat
Options

Who's the entitled one here?

This is definitely a rant. And it's long, sorry.

FMIL gave FI and I her house and everything in it when she moved out 6 months ago. It was unexpected, and is greatly appreciated. It should be noted that she pays the mortgage still, which I believe she offered so that I could finish school without having to work any more hours. We are going to pay at least half the mortgage once I get a full time job or second job. We pay for all the other bills associated with the house (though my contribution is very tiny at the moment, which FI and I agreed upon before we agreed to take the bills on). We never would have moved in together until I got better pay.

She told us she wants three certain pieces of furniture, and we can do whatever we want with the rest. To me, this means that she gifted us all of this, and it now belongs to us. We consider this our home, and FMIL agrees (she'll say she's going to FI and timewellwasted's house and things like that).

Well. FBIL and his wife are settling on a house this month. They've been living in her mom's basement for about 4-ish years and had an apartment for a year or two before that. FBIL told FMIL he wants one of the couches and the dining room table. That belong to FI and I now.

I am not happy. These are ours now. I do not want to give them our furniture. At first, FI said that they should get some. I asked him if his mom had not moved out, would his brother waltz in here and say, I need to furnish my home, so I want that couch and your dining room table? I'd certainly hope not! People don't just get to take other people's furniture when they want it. Usually, people offer furniture if they are planning on getting something new and are throwing out the old. Or you take it when they die (not to be blunt, but that's what happens).

Not only that, but FBIL and FSIL make almost three times what FI does! We do not have the money to replace any furniture. Yes, we could find something cheap for the time being, or find someone giving stuff away, but why would we spend our time and money so that FBIL gets what he wants for free? And why would you buy a house if you can't afford to furnish it? Besides, they have a couch already (which was actually given to them by FMIL when she bought a new one a few years ago). I don't think they have a dining room table anymore, though. FI also said they may want other things, he's not sure though.

There is a dining room table one of their friends is giving away, but FBIL doesn't like the color of the wood. He likes ours better. I mean really?

FI and I came to an agreement for what we want to tell them. FI does not want them to take the couch in the basement. It is a very nice couch and was quite expensive. If they took it, it would be replaced by something cheap, either used or a futon. Why should we give away something nice to get something crappy? I do not want them to take the couch set (comes with love seat) from the living room. That's the main room of the house, and where we have our guests. So we will tell them they we don't want them to take any of the couches. We agreed to look at this other dining room table, but if we don't like it, we will keep our table too. I honestly think it's reasonable to say no, you can't take our stuff, but we will try to help if possible.

FMIL might be a problem though. She's the one that told FI about what FBIL wants, and she wants to sit down and discuss the furniture situation. I'm sorry, but this was a gift you gave us! Now it sounds like she is going to take part of her gift back.

I pointed out to FI that she gives gifts to his brother all the time. She has helped him buy multiple vehicles, contributed to his wedding, and straight up written him massive checks. She has never given FI anything outside of birthday/Christmas/graduation presents and beyond the realm of him living with her through college and not having to pay bills or for gas (FBIL would have gotten this too if he had chosen to go to college and he still never had to pay rent or for food or tv/internet when he lived here). Why is FBIL entitled to the one gift that was not given to him? I should point out that FMIL has literally told me FI is better than FBIL, and is her favorite (which I though was a terrible thing to say). FI has just never needed her help, and has always found a way to take care of himself.

I don't know, am I being a bratty toddler? This is mine, I don't want to share! Or is it not truly our furniture, because she's still paying the mortgage? She told us what furniture she would be back for, and that we could do what we wanted with everything else. I'm very angry that this was even asked, and while FI is not angry, he understands and agrees with me. He's definitely not going to tell them off for asking, but do you think we have the right to refuse, even if it's what his mom wants? Or am I being selfish, thinking FI and I are the owners and entitled to all the furniture?
«1

Re: Who's the entitled one here?

  • Options
    luckya23luckya23 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited November 2014

    If she's paying the mortgage, it's both her house and her furniture.

    If this were my family, and my sister's fiance was like NO THIS IS ALL OURS NOW, I can't even describe to you how pissed off I would be.

    You paid nothing for this stuff, and buying a house is a huge expense, so it's not really your business what brother's income is, or even why he wants his own "family heirlooms."

    ETA: What FMIL does with any of her money, including gifting to this one or that one, is also TOTALLY NONE of your business. WOW.  You literally shouldn't even be discussing it.

    image

    Daisypath - Personal pictureDaisypath Anniversary tickers

  • Options
    I'd like to elaborate on my pp and my iPad doesn't like to edit. OP, had you said "my FMIL is so generous to have allowed FI and I to live here and I'm so appreciative of everything she has done for us. The thing is, FBIL wants our table and I'd rather not give it to him. Help!" I would still have the save advice, but not have thought you sound like a toddler. What people gave done for either people and other peoples salaries should never be discussed, let alone held against someone. The issue here is that FBIL wants a table. The less you add that other shit into your thoughts, the less bitter you'll be.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • Options
    Yeah sorry, I don't think you should have assumed that it was all yours to keep. ESPECIALLY the couch in the basement - are you even using it? It's super bratty to try to hold onto something you don't even use, just on principle, or just because it was expensive. YOU didn't buy it.

    I do think it's shitty of FBIL to ask for a dining table that you're using, and you should be able to work out a compromise so that each of you has a table you don't hate. That's just out of fairness since NONE of it belongs to either of you though, not because you called dibs.

    image
    image
  • Options
    Uh. Yeah. You sound horribly bratty and entitled. Get a job and your own place. That you can pay for.
    I have a job, just not a good one. I graduate in one month, but who the hell knows when I'll get a better job. The economy kind of sucks, but I have a few leads so I hope all goes well. FI has a job, and just got a promotion today, thank goodness. Why can't we accept a gift of the house? We will be paying for it once we can, which FMIL offered to pay for until then, without us asking for any of this. I honestly don't see how accepting a gift like that makes me entitled. I'm quite grateful to her for everything, and to FI for taking care of most of the bills so I can focus on my degree.

    FBIL got a truck and $3000 in the past year as a "gift." Which he asked for, which is why it's a "gift." Now he wants part of our gift. Why is he not entitled for wanting to take someone else's things? Shouldn't he pay for his own shit too, if I have to pay for mine? Especially when he actually has a career? He gets to take our nice stuff without cost, while we get pay to buy not-as-nice stuff. He's basically making us pay for him to have furniture.
  • Options
    Who is acting entitled?

    image

    I would NEVER assume that something was mine to keep unless I was expressly told so. Especially in a situation like this. You are so incredibly fortunate to be living in a free house full of free shit. But, it doesn't belong to you. It is sort of shitty for them to take things that you are usuing, but again, not yours. Suck it up.
  • Options
    Uh. Yeah. You sound horribly bratty and entitled. Get a job and your own place. That you can pay for.
    I have a job, just not a good one. I graduate in one month, but who the hell knows when I'll get a better job. The economy kind of sucks, but I have a few leads so I hope all goes well. FI has a job, and just got a promotion today, thank goodness. Why can't we accept a gift of the house? We will be paying for it once we can, which FMIL offered to pay for until then, without us asking for any of this. I honestly don't see how accepting a gift like that makes me entitled. I'm quite grateful to her for everything, and to FI for taking care of most of the bills so I can focus on my degree.

    FBIL got a truck and $3000 in the past year as a "gift." Which he asked for, which is why it's a "gift." Now he wants part of our gift. Your gift is the free place to live. It doesn't need every single room furnished with every type of furniture in order to be useful and an enormous gift to you. Why is he not entitled for wanting to take someone else's things? He is. But no more than you. Shouldn't he pay for his own shit too, if I have to pay for mine? Especially when he actually has a career? Wait, so now he should be punished for being more successful? That's the definition of entitlement thinking. He gets to take our nice stuff without cost, while we get pay to buy not-as-nice stuff. He's basically making us pay for him to have furniture. The couch is in your basement, and there's another free table being offered to you in replacement. You don't need to buy anything.
    Maybe FMIL should let FBIL and FSIL just move into the house with you, so it's all fair. Would that be better? 

    She's trying to be equally generous to both sons, which is a hard thing to do. But it's her call.

    image
    image
  • Options
    Also, I don't care who's paying for the mortgage. Until she actually sells you the house and you go through closing and get your name on the deed, it's not yours. Your originally post sounds bratty and entitled and your follow up makes you sound worse.
  • Options
    edited November 2014
    So, you're getting a free house, and you're angry your FMIL wants to give her other son a couch and table?

    The fact that you're acting entitled is baffling. Did you pay for any of this stuff? Nope. You don't get to decide what your FMIL does with her belongings. How about you just be thankful you have a fucking free house to live in?
  • Options
    misshart00misshart00 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited November 2014
    You know what happens when you have a crappy job? You live in a little one bedroom apartment with FI and have target/Walmart furniture until you can afford something else you want. That's life. Consider yourself very lucky that FMIL is letting you stay in her house with her furniture.
  • Options
    I get that it sucks since you thought all the furniture was yours, but I don't think it's fair for you to be angry about the disposition of someone else's stuff.

    Also, the argument about "well FBIL makes more than FI!" really bothers me. Just because someone makes a lot of money doesn't mean they can afford everything. It's wrong of you to make assumptions on someone's financial situation simply based on their salary. I make a pretty awesome salary, but I also have 6 figures in student loan debt. So while you might see my salary and assume I can afford X, it's not that simple.
  • Options
    Uh. Yeah. You sound horribly bratty and entitled. Get a job and your own place. That you can pay for.
    I have a job, just not a good one. I graduate in one month, but who the hell knows when I'll get a better job. The economy kind of sucks, but I have a few leads so I hope all goes well. FI has a job, and just got a promotion today, thank goodness. Why can't we accept a gift of the house? We will be paying for it once we can, which FMIL offered to pay for until then, without us asking for any of this. I honestly don't see how accepting a gift like that makes me entitled. I'm quite grateful to her for everything, and to FI for taking care of most of the bills so I can focus on my degree.

    FBIL got a truck and $3000 in the past year as a "gift." Which he asked for, which is why it's a "gift." Now he wants part of our gift. Why is he not entitled for wanting to take someone else's things? Shouldn't he pay for his own shit too, if I have to pay for mine? Especially when he actually has a career? He gets to take our nice stuff without cost, while we get pay to buy not-as-nice stuff. He's basically making us pay for him to have furniture.
    ITS NOT YOUR STUFF. ITS HIS MOMS STUFF

    honestly its CRAZY that you are complaining about having to buy a futon when you are living in a free house with free furniture. To answer your title, you are the entitled one.

    image
  • Options
    OP, I would be ECSTATIC to get a free house. I get that you can't afford stuff right now, but lots of people go through that and make it work without being gifted a house full of furniture. When FI and I first moved into our crappy rental house, we couldn't afford a couch, so we sat on the floor on a pile of blankets. And we couldn't afford a TV, so we played music on his laptop and danced around the kitchen in our socks.

    You make it work.

    I understand that you feel like FBIL is taking your stuff, but it's not really your stuff. And honestly, do you NEED -- and actually use-- a couch that's in the basement and a dining room table? It sounds like these are things you can easily spare, for the sake of keeping peace in the family.
    image
  • Options
    Also, it sounds like you put a lot of value in the WORTH of things and not the usefulness. Like you mention that its a "nice couch" and it was "expensive". WHO FUCKING CARES?!?!? Do you use it? if the answer is no, then WHAT DOES IT MATTER?!?! 

    When I first moved out I had a crappy dining room table and HAD NO CHAIRS! So I didn't even have a place to eat really. I ate on my couch. My table collected junk mail. NONE OF MY FURNITURE MATCHED. 

    Seriously your entitlement makes me ragey.. GET OVER YOURSELF. 
    Anniversary
    image
  • Options
    See, she expressly told us to do what we want with everything in the house, but just let her know before we throw anything away. Which is why I am confused. It made me believe it truly belonged to us. She calls this our house. Asks to come over and respects our privacy. She even asked to swing by and use the bathroom one day!

    We also discussed that we would pay for the mortgage (at least half of it, but that will be determined later, words from her mouth so really we could be paying less, more or all, we have no clue) once I had a job. So she-who-pays-for-now is in control of the decisions, but if this happened say, 3 months for now, when we are potentially paying, who would get a say then?

    I get that I shouldn't judge other's financial situation, I know it's wrong. And gifts aren't tit-for-tat, and no one is entitled to them, and whatnot. But it hurts when you see someone get something for free, who has a great job, and you don't have diddly-squat and can't afford to change that yet, and then they want to take away from you when you finally get something.

    Also, when I was mentioning that FI never got gifts, I meant to say this was the first major one, not that he never ever got a gift. My bad. 

    Someone asked our living situation before this. He lived between his mom and dads, paying his way at each. He has some strange opinions and decided not to move out on his own until we were both able to afford it. I lived at home. My mom also has the stipulation that as long as I'm in college, I do not have to pay for rent, food, or utilities if I live in her house. I paid for all of my other expenses, and I pay my own tuition.

    But, this is also why I asked internet strangers first. I had an initial angry reaction to the situation, thankfully only around my FI. Now I'm re-thinking it. I mean, I obviously felt weird about my feelings to ask for a possible reality check, where I was going to get either umm, yeah, they're rude, or no, bratty child, you're definitely acting like a dumbass.

    Maybe I'm hurt because FBIL didn't think how this impacts us financially? Maybe I'm hurt because of how he treated me in the past, and I'm being petty about it all, taking it out on him :(

    Or maybe I just want things, but I can't give them to myself, so I'm just angry that I can't change the situation for myself right now. I don't know. I'm confused about the whole thing now.

    Also, we do actively use all of this furniture, and the couch in the basement is used the most. It's also broken (totally my fault too, pulled the handle for the leg rest out and broke the mechanism like a dummy). FBIL may not realize that we actually use the dining room table because they never used it except for holidays.

    So. Is it acceptable to say that we would prefer they not take the couches, and we will look at the other dining room table as we agreed upon before? FMIL said she wanted to discuss this, so as long as we give it as an opinion and not as NO YOU CANNOT, would that be proper? And can we point out that we can't afford to purchase new furniture at the moment, but obviously not bring their finances into it?

    Please help me form a tactful way to not be rude, but still express how I feel without looking like a jackass. I promise not to flip out on them if I don't get what I want (though I know I'm going to be a little hurt if it happens, that'll just be between FI and I).

    Also, I'm glad I lurk on these forums and was prepared for the harsher responses. But I'm also glad you guys don't sugar coat it and let strangers make fools of themselves. I totally would have had an SS moment a few months ago! I almost did earlier and I was like, no, listen to them! They are wise. Learn their ways!
  • Options
    edited November 2014
    My mom helped my sister and me out when we got a house together during college, for which we paid the rent. She got a dining set at a garage sale for $10. I still have that dining set, 12 years later. Our living room furniture was a patio set my aunt was getting rid of because it was uncomfortable, plus 2 La-Z-Boy recliners we inherited when my grandparents died. My grandpa had peed in one of them. We used that collection the whole 3 years we lived there.


    ETA I think it's fair to find a compromise that's acceptable to both you and FBIL. Just don't lick them and say they're all yours now. Mostly because licking couches is gross.

    image
    image
  • Options
    See, she expressly told us to do what we want with everything in the house, but just let her know before we throw anything away. Which is why I am confused. It made me believe it truly belonged to us. She calls this our house. Asks to come over and respects our privacy. She even asked to swing by and use the bathroom one day!

    We also discussed that we would pay for the mortgage (at least half of it, but that will be determined later, words from her mouth so really we could be paying less, more or all, we have no clue) once I had a job. So she-who-pays-for-now is in control of the decisions, but if this happened say, 3 months for now, when we are potentially paying, who would get a say then?

    I get that I shouldn't judge other's financial situation, I know it's wrong. And gifts aren't tit-for-tat, and no one is entitled to them, and whatnot. But it hurts when you see someone get something for free, who has a great job, and you don't have diddly-squat and can't afford to change that yet, and then they want to take away from you when you finally get something.

    Also, when I was mentioning that FI never got gifts, I meant to say this was the first major one, not that he never ever got a gift. My bad. 

    Someone asked our living situation before this. He lived between his mom and dads, paying his way at each. He has some strange opinions and decided not to move out on his own until we were both able to afford it. I lived at home. My mom also has the stipulation that as long as I'm in college, I do not have to pay for rent, food, or utilities if I live in her house. I paid for all of my other expenses, and I pay my own tuition.

    But, this is also why I asked internet strangers first. I had an initial angry reaction to the situation, thankfully only around my FI. Now I'm re-thinking it. I mean, I obviously felt weird about my feelings to ask for a possible reality check, where I was going to get either umm, yeah, they're rude, or no, bratty child, you're definitely acting like a dumbass.

    Maybe I'm hurt because FBIL didn't think how this impacts us financially? Maybe I'm hurt because of how he treated me in the past, and I'm being petty about it all, taking it out on him :(

    Or maybe I just want things, but I can't give them to myself, so I'm just angry that I can't change the situation for myself right now. I don't know. I'm confused about the whole thing now.

    Also, we do actively use all of this furniture, and the couch in the basement is used the most. It's also broken (totally my fault too, pulled the handle for the leg rest out and broke the mechanism like a dummy). FBIL may not realize that we actually use the dining room table because they never used it except for holidays.

    So. Is it acceptable to say that we would prefer they not take the couches, and we will look at the other dining room table as we agreed upon before? FMIL said she wanted to discuss this, so as long as we give it as an opinion and not as NO YOU CANNOT, would that be proper? And can we point out that we can't afford to purchase new furniture at the moment, but obviously not bring their finances into it?

    Please help me form a tactful way to not be rude, but still express how I feel without looking like a jackass. I promise not to flip out on them if I don't get what I want (though I know I'm going to be a little hurt if it happens, that'll just be between FI and I).

    Also, I'm glad I lurk on these forums and was prepared for the harsher responses. But I'm also glad you guys don't sugar coat it and let strangers make fools of themselves. I totally would have had an SS moment a few months ago! I almost did earlier and I was like, no, listen to them! They are wise. Learn their ways!
    But how does losing a couch in the basement impact you financially? How does losing a table that you didn't buy impact you financially? Will you die if you don't eat at the table? 

    I can tell you that I have a beautiful hand painted dining table that cost me ten bucks cause I got it secondhand, painted it myself and still forget to eat at the table. My life was not ruined or impacted financially.

    I get it when you are so broke you can't afford even cheap goodwill furniture. I've been there most of my life. Adapt and sit on a blanket on the floor or something until you can get a new table, and count your blessings.

    I'm not trying to be rude or condescending to you, I appreciate you taking our advice and not getting mad at us. 

    Thank you for not being disappointing. Everyone has bratty stupid moments, it's how we learn from them and change that matters.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

  • Options
    You have a free house. Get creative with replacement furniture. Nice consignment shops can net you great deals on furniture, esp. dining room sets. You can easily get a thousand dollar set for 500 bucks if you look. Craigslist is a goldmine for cheap furniture, and January/February is traditionally clearance time at Furniture stores. Can't afford 500 bucks for a piece of furniture? Then budget until you can or get the cheap junk and shut up because you have a free house. 

    I understand the frustration you feel, but the drama you will cause if you throw a trantrum over this is not worth it.
    image



    Anniversary
  • Options
    See, she expressly told us to do what we want with everything in the house, but just let her know before we throw anything away. To me, this means "If it's not your taste, you can get your own stuff, but let me know before you get rid of it and I will decide what I want to do with my furniture." So your interpretation is just one of many possibilities. Which is why I am confused. It made me believe it truly belonged to us. She calls this our house. Asks to come over and respects our privacy. She even asked to swing by and use the bathroom one day! This is a cultural thing, some people wouldn't dream of coming over without calling and possibly interrupting something - but my mother will waltz into my house unannounced and I bought my house.

    We also discussed that we would pay for the mortgage (at least half of it, but that will be determined later, words from her mouth so really we could be paying less, more or all, we have no clue) once I had a job. This sounds like you will be paying rent, not being given the deed. So she-who-pays-for-now is in control of the decisions, but if this happened say, 3 months for now, when we are potentially paying, who would get a say then? You still didn't buy the furniture.  She's living with a new SO, isn't she?  Do you still think this will be your stuff and house if she needed somewhere to live again?

    I get that I shouldn't judge other's financial situation, I know it's wrong. And gifts aren't tit-for-tat, and no one is entitled to them, and whatnot. But it hurts when you see someone get something for free, who has a great job, and you don't have diddly-squat and can't afford to change that yet, and then they want to take away from you when you finally get something.  I am not sure you "got it".  And you sure as hell didn't earn it either way.

    Also, when I was mentioning that FI never got gifts, I meant to say this was the first major one, not that he never ever got a gift. My bad. 

    Someone asked our living situation before this. He lived between his mom and dads, paying his way at each. He has some strange opinions and decided not to move out on his own until we were both able to afford it. That sounds like common sense. I lived at home. My mom also has the stipulation that as long as I'm in college, I do not have to pay for rent, food, or utilities if I live in her house. I paid for all of my other expenses, and I pay my own tuition.

    But, this is also why I asked internet strangers first. I had an initial angry reaction to the situation, thankfully only around my FI. Now I'm re-thinking it. I mean, I obviously felt weird about my feelings to ask for a possible reality check, where I was going to get either umm, yeah, they're rude, or no, bratty child, you're definitely acting like a dumbass.

    Maybe I'm hurt because FBIL didn't think how this impacts us financially? It doesn't, you can have only ONE set of couches for a household of two (horror!) and a different free table. Maybe I'm hurt because of how he treated me in the past, and I'm being petty about it all, taking it out on him :( 

    Or maybe I just want things, but I can't give them to myself, so I'm just angry that I can't change the situation for myself right now. I don't know. I'm confused about the whole thing now.  You sound young - most people start with nothing.  I read an article about the main problem with millenials is that they expect to start out with what they see their parents have after working for 30+ years.

    Also, we do actively use all of this furniture, and the couch in the basement is used the most. It's also broken (totally my fault too, pulled the handle for the leg rest out and broke the mechanism like a dummy). FBIL may not realize that we actually use the dining room table because they never used it except for holidays.  You can still have a table.  Use a tablecloth if it's not your taste.

    So. Is it acceptable to say that we would prefer they not take the couches, and we will look at the other dining room table as we agreed upon before? FMIL said she wanted to discuss this, so as long as we give it as an opinion and not as NO YOU CANNOT, would that be proper? And can we point out that we can't afford to purchase new furniture at the moment, but obviously not bring their finances into it?  No, it's still not your stuff.  If your FI wants to have that convo with his mother, let him decide.  And if he's smart, he will leave your name out of the conversation.

    Please help me form a tactful way to not be rude, but still express how I feel without looking like a jackass. I promise not to flip out on them if I don't get what I want (though I know I'm going to be a little hurt if it happens, that'll just be between FI and I). Sorry, you shoud not express anything.

    Also, I'm glad I lurk on these forums and was prepared for the harsher responses. But I'm also glad you guys don't sugar coat it and let strangers make fools of themselves. I totally would have had an SS moment a few months ago! I almost did earlier and I was like, no, listen to them! They are wise. Learn their ways!

    image

    Daisypath - Personal pictureDaisypath Anniversary tickers

  • Options
    I just bought a house. I actually pay my own mortgage. Crazy idea. And guess what? Most of my furniture is $25 crap I got off of Craigslist. And when it was the wrong color I painted it! Because not everyone has parents that give them multiple expensive couches.

    If your BIL takes your basement couch, I'm sure you life will be greatly affected. My first couch was my SILs handmedown that she got as a handmedown. It had been slept on by many frat boys.
    Anniversary

    image
  • Options
    also.. would you expect if after you paid the mortgage for a few years and then she decided to sell the house.. would you expect to get the money from the sale of the house?!?! 
    Anniversary
    image
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards