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Who's the entitled one here?

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Re: Who's the entitled one here?

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    I have tried to type out a few versions of this response, but I keep feeling bile rise in my throat.  Yes, you're acting entitled.  Your responses make it worse.  No, there is no way to express these feelings to FMIL without sounding even more entitled and starting family drama.

    What you could do is after FBIL takes the couch and table, have Fi initiate a conversation with FMIL about the terms of this arrangement you're in.  It sounds like you don't have very clear boundaries and rules.  Who owns what?  Who pays how much?  Does she intend to officially sell you the house or does she want it still in her name?  What happens when she sells the house?  This is NOT a negotiation.  This is where she dictates the terms of what she wants and you accept those terms unequivocally, because she is freely giving you an enormous, generous, life-changing gift and you must accept on her terms or not at all.

    When you have always been privileged enough for your mom/parents/family to pay for your basic living expenses and give you a roof over your head, maybe a different and nicer roof doesn't seem like such a gift.  Either way you're living for free thanks to the grace of your family.  Your life would be pretty damn different if both your own mom and FMIL weren't so outrageously generous.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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    OP, how would you like it if your FSIL or FBIL was to tell you what family heirlooms you were allowed to take from your parents.  You need to know what is your business. Gifts from FMIL to HER children are none of your business.  You aren't even married yet, and even if you were, you would be overstepping your bounds.  Politely back away from this entitlement and realize the FMIL is a generous woman, it came with strings attached. if you don't like it, buy your own house.  And the more ungrateful you sound, she may just kick you out and give the house to her other son.  A lot of people would be turned off by your entitlement and might reconsider the gift of a house to someone so ungrateful.
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    So the house really isn't a gift then. The rent is a gift. But none of this is actually yours.

    If you were to move out tomorrow, would you be taking the furniture with you? Did she say it was yours to keep? Or yours to use while you live in her house rent free?
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    hellohkbhellohkb mod
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited November 2014
    You did not buy the furniture and you do not own the home. Count your blessings and realize how lucky you are to live rent-free in a house. I only wish FH and I had that opportunity. I currently rent an apartment and people will say, "I'm going to hellohkb's place" but it does not literally mean that I own the place.

    Go to IKEA, Craigslist, or Goodwill and find cheap furniture to use until you can afford replacement stuff. ETA: We all may sound harsh, but we are really trying to get you to check yourself before you wreck yourself, etc., etc.


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    We all have our moments :) Don't worry about it any longer!


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    I will totally agree with you. If I was given the gifts you were given and then people wanted to take pieces of it and replace it with whatever, sure, I'd be a little foot stompy too. Like totally Veruca Salt up in the hizouse. I'm with ya, girl!

    However. Being an adult, there is some sucking up and getting over to be done. Its not your house or your stuff. If she wants to give stuff away, its okay :) in the grand scheme of things, its all just stuff.

    Good luck on finishing school and getting into the job market!

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    How old are you? If you are young (like me) and haven't finished developing your brain (like me) then maybe you will still change and mature! I'm sorta kidding, but it's science! I'm scientifically two years from having my brain full developed according to studies that I will not be finding for you.

    Anyway, I figure all you need is not to be reactionary. You seem to be thinking before you act and speak, keep that up and you will be just fine! Apologize when you slip up and how could anyone be mad? I think your original post is horrible and I like you a lot because you took our advice and you learned from your mistake!!!

    I have a weird humor and thought pattern and I know I don't make any sense a lot. Trust me, it comes together in here *taps head*
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    penguin44 said:
    So the house really isn't a gift then. The rent is a gift. But none of this is actually yours. If you were to move out tomorrow, would you be taking the furniture with you? Did she say it was yours to keep? Or yours to use while you live in her house rent free?
    You are so right. That's how I should have looked at this.

    Moving out, I'm going to be honest. I assumed (wrongfully) that the furniture was ours. So I assumed that it would come with us if we wanted it. It was never discussed. It will definitely be discussed now.

    The way she said it, I thought things were ours to keep. Obviously wrong too.

    Also, I never really thought of the furniture as family heirlooms, as a lot of PP mentioned. I guess I equate that with things that are meaningful to me (like my grandmother's coin collection or my mom's favorite blanket), and didn't think of what was meaningful to others. I'd never think of my grandfather's chair or anything like that as an heirloom, but who's to say someone else doesn't. Again, thinking of myself, no one else. I've got to work on this.

    Sorry for upsetting everyone. I'm glad I came to the wisest of all the internet first. Thank you for all your feedback.

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    OP, we've all been there. It is great that you are listening to everyone here and calming down and realizing it's not so bad.  you will finish college soon and you and FI will be able to afford a beautiful house in a couple of years and get married.  It is so nice of FMIL to help you, so you aren't deep in debt like most college students. Best of luck to you.
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    larrygaga said:
    How old are you? If you are young (like me) and haven't finished developing your brain (like me) then maybe you will still change and mature! I'm sorta kidding, but it's science! I'm scientifically two years from having my brain full developed according to studies that I will not be finding for you. Anyway, I figure all you need is not to be reactionary. You seem to be thinking before you act and speak, keep that up and you will be just fine! Apologize when you slip up and how could anyone be mad? I think your original post is horrible and I like you a lot because you took our advice and you learned from your mistake!!! I have a weird humor and thought pattern and I know I don't make any sense a lot. Trust me, it comes together in here *taps head*
    I feel like I am old enough to know better, but I realize I am still young and stupid! I also think I had my hand held all my life, and that has hurt me greatly. But I realize more and more that I don't like the way my mom acts, and then I realize I am acting like her!

    Last night she literally said she can't wait for the wedding because she can say things about how this is "MY daughter, and MY this, and MY that" and I am now terrified of what the hell she's going to do at the wedding. Thank God we're paying for this ourselves, so she can't hold that over peoples' heads. She is arrogant, and selfish. And apparently taught me well.

    So here's to learning from her and learning from my mistakes! And to the knotties who really know what life is about.

    PS don't tell anyone, but you're one of my favorites, so I'm glad you don't hate me!

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    OP, we've all been there. It is great that you are listening to everyone here and calming down and realizing it's not so bad.  you will finish college soon and you and FI will be able to afford a beautiful house in a couple of years and get married.  It is so nice of FMIL to help you, so you aren't deep in debt like most college students. Best of luck to you.
    Seriously, I'm looking at my reaction like "wtf, girl, it's not the end of the world, stop acting like a baby." (side note, I did not physically throw a fit, but in my head I did). I don't know if I would have come to this conclusion without some help though.

    You know what's interesting? The wedding planning has so far been wonderful. School and the house are more stressful than anything! The places/people we found have been nothing but awesome, and somehow affordable for us, and our families aren't demanding guests or a say or anything (yet haha)! I have one major problem, which I will save for another day because it is a very difficult subject for me, and it can wait.

    Also, FMIL has been awesome with her help. I don't even know how to express my thanks to her properly. My GPA is stellar AND I'm not sleep-deprived, and I'm not struggling to eat. None of that would be possible with her paying the mortgage (and also my mom before hand with her help).
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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited November 2014
    Edited: Your mom is selfish or your FMIL Is selfish? Edited again as I'm confused as its late. Thank you.
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    and now you're saying she's selfish???
    I think she was talking about her own mother, not her generous FMIL.
    ~*~*~*~*~

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    and now you're saying she's selfish???
    I think she was talking about her own mother, not her generous FMIL.
    NOT FMIL sorry! My mom is! I've been noticing her actions more recently and realizing she's pretty selfish, and then I've been realizing I do act like her sometimes so I've been trying to not do that. But when I get upset, all rational thought goes away and it's back to the selfishness! 

    An extreme example: My mom flips at the drop of the hat now because her kids (those that are not adults) ask her to drop them at a friend's house, or need new pants because they've hit a growth spurt, and she shuts herself in her room screaming about how no one cares about what she wants and that she deserves to have time alone and not do things for/spend money on everyone else.

    If I ever reach that level of ridiculous, please reach through the computer and smack me. At least I didn't cause a scene and asked for opinions before acting a fool around the people I care about.

    FMIL is the furthest thing from selfish. 


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    larrygaga said:
    How old are you? If you are young (like me) and haven't finished developing your brain (like me) then maybe you will still change and mature! I'm sorta kidding, but it's science! I'm scientifically two years from having my brain full developed according to studies that I will not be finding for you. Anyway, I figure all you need is not to be reactionary. You seem to be thinking before you act and speak, keep that up and you will be just fine! Apologize when you slip up and how could anyone be mad? I think your original post is horrible and I like you a lot because you took our advice and you learned from your mistake!!! I have a weird humor and thought pattern and I know I don't make any sense a lot. Trust me, it comes together in here *taps head*
    Wild guess here but thinking maybe she's 21?
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    We all have our moments. Glad you saw the light ;-)  
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    I know you guys, I had a rash, angry, and childish reaction. I don't want a $25 dollar pre-owned couch when I already have one. But you're right, I didn't initially pay for it, and even though it seemed like the greatest gift ever, it's still not mine. It's not like a shirt I got at Christmas, especially since FMIL's money is still involved.  I guess I got caught up in "why should we have to deal with it and they can just have it?" when in reality, they're probably feeling the exact same way.

    And I know I have it great, you guys! I feel poor because I can't buy the things I want, but I have more than what I need, thanks to the generosity of others. Reality check, greatly appreciated. I will be an adult and have cheap things if that's all I can afford and not gripe that others got more than me. I promise to work on the entitlement. I feel like an ugly person right now, and I don't like it.

    Obviously we should have had the talk @JCbride2015 said before we accepted her offer (which, I'm going to say, is a better word here than gift. I realize this now). It's things like this you never think would occur, you know? Working with family and friends is probably worse than working with strangers. I will suggest to FI that we should have this conversation so that everything is clear. Also, I never planned on being the one to voice my opinion, because, if you can't tell, I tend to get emotional quickly, and he is much more tactful (and thoughtful).

    Oh, and I never thanked you guys for help with the cat! He is so much more well-behaved than he has ever been! He has never ever laid on me or rubbed against my face or anything before now, and he used to hiss at everyone and everything all the time (before all the moving) and has actually stopped. Although it took two months to get him to use the litter box, all of your tricks went a long way. Poor guy has tooth reabsorption though and now that we've got his stress levels down, he's going to need the back ones pulled. But he's lost about a pound now! He's still (endearingly) Asshole when he stands on my chest and purrs as loud as a motor boat (not even kidding) right in my face at 4am.

    And looking back at that thread too, good lord do I need to stop thinking of only me :(  I don't think I ever realized how selfish I can be sometimes (maybe most of the time). How do you change the way you react/think about things, especially that initial reaction? I can't keep coming here and getting reamed out every time I get upset, though I think you guys might enjoy some drama every now and then.
    Let me know when you find out!  I still struggle with this.  The important thing is that you recognize it, so now you can begin working on it.  :)




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    KaurisKauris member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2014
    Check on Facebook for garage sale pages. There are at least five in my vicinity/neighborhood where people sell very nice things for really reasonable prices on lightly used furniture.
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    Late to the party but- yay! Glad you took the advice!

    Formerly martha1818

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