Wedding Etiquette Forum

4 months since the wedding & no thank you note...annoyance and caution to lurkers

A Vent & Question: 
I attended the wedding of a close friend from college in early July. I gave a boxed gift, and I know a few friends there gave cards and other boxed gifts. We talked about if/where the gift table was and a few of us put ours there together (once found). A member of the bridal party told us where to put them. I have not received a thank you note. I don't expect a mailed one because they used email for the invitations (Paperless Post) but I do want to ensure they got the gift. So in this case I'm especially annoyed not to yet have received a thank you note because if they plan to do it by email (my supposition), then they can COPY & PASTE for each one with slight changes, which as we all know is easier than writing by hand. 

My questions: it's been 4 months and a 1 week, do I contact them (really the bride, because that's my friend) and ask if they received it, or let it go? If she says yes, and something along the lines of "yes, thank you, it's wonderful, we love it", should I accept that as a 'Thank You'?

Side vent 1: I don't care if your thank you note has a photo of the couple getting married. I just want the acknowledgement you received what I picked out. I was presumably there to see the wedding, so I don't need a thank you card (which I will throw out no matter how lovely) with a picture. if I wasn't there & still sent a gift, then I really don't want to wait for you to get those cards, I just want a prompt note.

Side vent 2: I had a Bat Mitzvah when I was 12. I was very grateful to receive those gifts. I was able to write about 80 thank you notes in two days, within the month of the event. I have some serious shade for all the adults who can't do this, when my friends and I could and did at 12 or 13 years old.
momofbride530thespeshulestsnowflake
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Re: 4 months since the wedding & no thank you note...annoyance and caution to lurkers

  • I would probably count out any "Thank You" acknowledgement. I might be wrong but I think you should let it go. If you grouped your gift along w other gifts, most likely the couple has them in their possession. They just didn't send a thank you. If you do decide to inquire and she says yes and loves it, i think its safe to say that its a "thank you" since she hasn't sent out anything.

    On another note, maybe talk about it w other friends..maybe your thank you card got lost in the mail
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I wouldn't say anything.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • yogablossomyogablossom member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2014
    This is so frustrating. I have a friend who I helped plan her bridal shower and spent a lot of time and money doing so, AND I got her a shower gift. No thank you ever came from her in the mail.  Then for her wedding, which was in August, my fiance and I gave them a wedding gift. Still no thank you.  I don't understand how people can be so rude and naive.

    Needless to say, when I asked her a couple of months ago for her new address, she never  got back to me. So...she never got a save the date. We'll see if she gets an invitation from us.
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    You're probably not getting a thank you note. Let it go.

    Fwiw, I had a gift with no card, nothing at all to identify the gift giver. I asked family and no one knows who it was from.

    Maybe your card got separated and they thought it was from one of your other friends. Shit happens.
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    Anniversary
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I would call my friend to make sure she received the gift. She should write thank you notes, but a verbal thanks is better than none.
                       
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I think if your other friends received a thank you note, and you didn't that you should inquire. I'm pretty sure a gift I sent my friend for her wedding 8 years ago, never was received, and other friend's did get thank you notes for that wedding, and I never did.

    I really wish I inquired about her gift. But we were HS friends, and we lost touch. After her wedding, I never saw her in person again. She moved away, and probably thinks I'm a jerk that didn't give a gift. 

    Nothing I can do now. 


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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Honestly, I'm in the camp who would just ask. "Hey, did you receive that blender? I just wanted to make sure as I'm just so paranoid about those things, you know me! I know you love margaritas so let me know if it's good as I'm considering buying that same one for myself." Blah blah blah.

    I am a paranoid person. I'm not dropping $100-$200 on you only to have it get lost or stolen.  I wouldn't do it as a "hey we never got thanked" passive aggressive move; I'd do it to ensure you got what I tried to give you. 

    Fuck it, I'm only giving checks from here till eternity. 
    ________________________________


    danamwindianaalumluckysnorkellace&lemons
  • This is a tough one. Lack of showing gratitude is a pet peeve of mine and I really do sympathize with your annoyance about not receiving a 'thank you' for your gift. I sent my cousin a nice cutlery set for her wedding and never received a thank you, but because I wasn't able to attend her wedding and physically bring the gift myself, I felt I had reason to inquire as to whether she got the gift, just to make sure she did receive it. She did and I got a verbal thank you. I don't think she even sent out thank you notes to anyone.

    If 4+ months have gone by, I would let it go. If it still bothers you, ask around in your group of friends who also sent gifts to see if they received a thank you. But at this point, it is probably trivial, and not worth raising your blood pressure over.
                                     Wedding Countdown Ticker

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  • Thanks for the advice everyone. I have contacted 3 friends who also attended and so far none of us has received a thank you note. I'm planning to take @thisismynickname's language for contacting her. I'm totally the person who worries and she won't think anything of it.

    My reason for being suspicious (and I'm kind of ashamed of it) - we (2 other friends at the wedding and I) saw other guests outside the venue getting high and drinking from alcohol they had in their car. I know, I'm such a prude and nice people get high too. I know some of them. It was just such a rowdy, shitfaced drunk crowd by the end of the night that I could imagine someone just walking off with a gift because they think that would be hilarious. 

    I think I am letting my irritations from the event intrude on the lack of thank you note. The hotel block was an hour from the church. The church was extremely difficult to find. The processional started 40 minutes late. The processional took 1/2 an hour. The reception was another 20 minutes away and also extremely difficult to find. The reception did not seem to have AC (in July, on the east coast - it was so gross). They served nachos & pizza as the main course. The food was cold. There wasn't enough food. They had a photo booth which charged you $3 to get a copy of your photo strip. After all this, paying for the hotel, the gas, the rental car, and a gift, I will be so pissed if that gift is lost.

    I will post again if I hear from her.
  • Totally understand the frustration. You should have received a thank you note by now. 

    However, I will say as unlikely as it sounds, you may still get a thank you note. Some people subscribe to having the school of thought that you have a year to send out gifts and thank yous. 

    One of my friends had a shower in February and got married in July. I couldn't afford to go the wedding, but definitely spent what little money I did have to go to the shower and send a gift. I didn't get a thank you not for  the shower gift until August - nearly 6 months after her shower and 1 month after she got married. 
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  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Yeah, I agree this would be frustrating. On one hand I agree with the PPs who said to just let it go, but on the other hand I don't see the harm in politely, and without passive aggressively (which doesn't sound like you would be) inquiring about it. There always is that chance that she didn't receive it so I don't see the harm in asking.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • KatieinBklnKatieinBkln (NO SLEEP TIL) Brooklyn! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    Honestly, I'm in the camp who would just ask. "Hey, did you receive that blender? I just wanted to make sure as I'm just so paranoid about those things, you know me! I know you love margaritas so let me know if it's good as I'm considering buying that same one for myself." Blah blah blah.

    I am a paranoid person. I'm not dropping $100-$200 on you only to have it get lost or stolen.  I wouldn't do it as a "hey we never got thanked" passive aggressive move; I'd do it to ensure you got what I tried to give you. 

    Fuck it, I'm only giving checks from here till eternity. 
    You won't get a thank you for those, either. Trust me, it's equally infuriating to KNOW that it was cashed but sit waiting for any acknowledgement. 

    Also as a side note: How does one actually go about "asking other friends" whether they've gotten a thank you without sounding snarky as all fuck? I mean, if asking the bride "if she received it" is passive-aggressive (it is) and shit-talking about the lack of thank yous with your friends is snarky (it is) I'm leaning toward the only appropriate thing to do here is say nothing. And decline the couple's future baby shower.
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • edited November 2014
    rach89 said:
    Thanks for the advice everyone. I have contacted 3 friends who also attended and so far none of us has received a thank you note. I'm planning to take @thisismynickname's language for contacting her. I'm totally the person who worries and she won't think anything of it.

    My reason for being suspicious (and I'm kind of ashamed of it) - we (2 other friends at the wedding and I) saw other guests outside the venue getting high and drinking from alcohol they had in their car. I know, I'm such a prude and nice people get high too. I know some of them. It was just such a rowdy, shitfaced drunk crowd by the end of the night that I could imagine someone just walking off with a gift because they think that would be hilarious. 

    I think I am letting my irritations from the event intrude on the lack of thank you note. The hotel block was an hour from the church. The church was extremely difficult to find. The processional started 40 minutes late. The processional took 1/2 an hour. The reception was another 20 minutes away and also extremely difficult to find. The reception did not seem to have AC (in July, on the east coast - it was so gross). They served nachos & pizza as the main course. The food was cold. There wasn't enough food. They had a photo booth which charged you $3 to get a copy of your photo strip. After all this, paying for the hotel, the gas, the rental car, and a gift, I will be so pissed if that gift is lost.

    I will post again if I hear from her.

    ****************etf boxes********************

    I think you need to separate whether you are annoyed at the event and lack of thank you note versus actually being concerned as to whether your gift was stolen by intoxicated guests. If you're truly concerned about the latter, then sure..follow up. 

    But it sounds to me like you're annoyed that it wasn't hosted all that well and that you didn't get a TY note, so you want to point it out. Only you can honestly answer which it is... 

    And to the bolded... lulz!
    *********************************************************************************

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    scribe95 said:
    Come on now. No one has received a thank you. And now you think some high person randomly stole everyone's gifts? Kind of ridiculous. You are annoyed and want to make a point. Just own it.
    I'm with this.  It has only been 4 months.  Yes, mostly everyone on here is all about sending out thank you notes IMMEDIATELY, but not everyone in this whole wide world is like that.  If no one else has received thank you notes then I think assuming that your gift was stolen by a toked up drunk person is a bit much.

    LondonLisachibiyuiPrettyGirlLost
  • Hey

    Yeah I was the maid of honor at my best friends more casual wedding last year, and I brought her a set of dishes and I never got any kind of thank you note. But her mom did 98% of the wedding and so I wasnt really surprised. I asked if she got it and she said yes and thank you. I just took that to be my thank you. Its really annoying but some people dont like to do thinks the proper way.
  • I have never received a thank you note for any wedding gift I have ever given (even to family members). Some people are just super rude or they were raised with no manners so they don't even know to send out a thank you card. I think it is okay to ask other guests if they got a thank you card because there is always a chance your gift wasn't received, but you will have to leave it at that, as tempting as it is to call these people out on their rudeness.
  • Same thing happened to me!  The first bride was a co-worker and I was unable to make it to her wedding so I physically HANDED her the gift.  No thank you note.  And I know other people have received them.

    Then, my fiance's good friend got married about two months ago.  My fiance was even in the wedding.  We sent them a wine crate, where you open one bottle for certain anniversaries and each one has a special message from us.  I also made her an ornament out of her wedding invitation.  No thank you. I did get a fb message about it, but I still think that is awful etiquette.  Just had to vent! 
  • edited December 2014
    I've been in the same boat!  A friend of mine invited us to their wedding out of state and, logistically, we were unfortunately not able to attend.  I let them know that we would be sending a regret ahead of actually mailing the response card and haven't heard a peep from them since.  I sent a gift and my mother sent her's separately.  She got a text acknowledgement her gift's arrival.  I got nothing.  I noted on our card (sent around the actual wedding date) that I had sent something previously and if they had not received it, please let me know.  UPS tracking showed it as received.  No thank you note!  

  • I have been told that thank you notes are outdated, no one bothers with them anymore. They say, you give a gift because you love the wedding couple, and if given in the right spirit, you don't want any thanks.

    Sounds good, but me and hubby went to his (then) boss's wedding, and we didn't get a thank you note, and I didn't "love" his boss, or the bride, who I didn't even know!

  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    danamw said:

    I have been told that thank you notes are outdated, no one bothers with them anymore. They say, you give a gift because you love the wedding couple, and if given in the right spirit, you don't want any thanks.

    Sounds good, but me and hubby went to his (then) boss's wedding, and we didn't get a thank you note, and I didn't "love" his boss, or the bride, who I didn't even know!

    Why is everything you post just so, so wrong?

    Formerly martha1818

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    arrippaslothiegalmrssursely
  • danamw said:

    I have been told that thank you notes are outdated, no one bothers with them anymore. They say, you give a gift because you love the wedding couple, and if given in the right spirit, you don't want any thanks.

    Sounds good, but me and hubby went to his (then) boss's wedding, and we didn't get a thank you note, and I didn't "love" his boss, or the bride, who I didn't even know!

    Why is everything you post just so, so wrong?

    What you say is confounding to me. What is it that I said above, is so so wrong? The part where I didn't love my husband's boss? Can anyone here say they love their husband's boss? The majority, even? Or where I said that I have been told that thank you notes are passe?

    I think thank you's are still the right thing to do. Times have changed so email is now acceptable, but some form of communication should be used.

  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2014
    danamw said:
    danamw said:

    I have been told that thank you notes are outdated, no one bothers with them anymore. They say, you give a gift because you love the wedding couple, and if given in the right spirit, you don't want any thanks.

    Sounds good, but me and hubby went to his (then) boss's wedding, and we didn't get a thank you note, and I didn't "love" his boss, or the bride, who I didn't even know!

    Why is everything you post just so, so wrong?

    What you say is confounding to me. What is it that I said above, is so so wrong? The part where I didn't love my husband's boss? Can anyone here say they love their husband's boss? The majority, even? Or where I said that I have been told that thank you notes are passe?

    I think thank you's are still the right thing to do. Times have changed so email is now acceptable, but some form of communication should be used.

    Literally every time you get called out for posting bullshit, you immediately backpedal. You literally just said that "no one bothers with them anymore" and that "if given in the right spirit, you don't want any thanks." It's quoted right above.

    Formerly martha1818

    image


    [Deleted User]

  • danamw said:
    danamw said:

    I have been told that thank you notes are outdated, no one bothers with them anymore. They say, you give a gift because you love the wedding couple, and if given in the right spirit, you don't want any thanks.

    Sounds good, but me and hubby went to his (then) boss's wedding, and we didn't get a thank you note, and I didn't "love" his boss, or the bride, who I didn't even know!

    Why is everything you post just so, so wrong?

    What you say is confounding to me. What is it that I said above, is so so wrong? The part where I didn't love my husband's boss? Can anyone here say they love their husband's boss? The majority, even? Or where I said that I have been told that thank you notes are passe?

    I think thank you's are still the right thing to do. Times have changed so email is now acceptable, but some form of communication should be used.

    Literally every time you get called out for posting bullshit, you immediately backpedal. You literally just said that "no one bothers with them anymore" and that "if given in the right spirit, you don't want any thanks." It's quoted right above.

    I meant to say, that people have told me that thank yous are passe, but that I don't believe that. I believe in doing thank yous, I have always done them, and the people who believe they are no longer necessary, are wrong.

    I don't know why anyone would pay so much mind to what I post. I am just an ordinary poster here. Why would anyone "call me out on my bullshit"? If you don't agree with me, then shake it off!

  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    danamw said:


    danamw said:
    danamw said:

    I have been told that thank you notes are outdated, no one bothers with them anymore. They say, you give a gift because you love the wedding couple, and if given in the right spirit, you don't want any thanks.

    Sounds good, but me and hubby went to his (then) boss's wedding, and we didn't get a thank you note, and I didn't "love" his boss, or the bride, who I didn't even know!

    Why is everything you post just so, so wrong?

    What you say is confounding to me. What is it that I said above, is so so wrong? The part where I didn't love my husband's boss? Can anyone here say they love their husband's boss? The majority, even? Or where I said that I have been told that thank you notes are passe?

    I think thank you's are still the right thing to do. Times have changed so email is now acceptable, but some form of communication should be used.

    Literally every time you get called out for posting bullshit, you immediately backpedal. You literally just said that "no one bothers with them anymore" and that "if given in the right spirit, you don't want any thanks." It's quoted right above.

    I meant to say, that people have told me that thank yous are passe, but that I don't believe that. I believe in doing thank yous, I have always done them, and the people who believe they are no longer necessary, are wrong.

    I don't know why anyone would pay so much mind to what I post. I am just an ordinary poster here. Why would anyone "call me out on my bullshit"? If you don't agree with me, then shake it off!

    Why should they not call you out on the things that you post with which they disagree?  Thus is the nature of a message board.



  • Viczaesar said:
    danamw said:


    danamw said:
    danamw said:

    I have been told that thank you notes are outdated, no one bothers with them anymore. They say, you give a gift because you love the wedding couple, and if given in the right spirit, you don't want any thanks.

    Sounds good, but me and hubby went to his (then) boss's wedding, and we didn't get a thank you note, and I didn't "love" his boss, or the bride, who I didn't even know!

    Why is everything you post just so, so wrong?

    What you say is confounding to me. What is it that I said above, is so so wrong? The part where I didn't love my husband's boss? Can anyone here say they love their husband's boss? The majority, even? Or where I said that I have been told that thank you notes are passe?

    I think thank you's are still the right thing to do. Times have changed so email is now acceptable, but some form of communication should be used.

    Literally every time you get called out for posting bullshit, you immediately backpedal. You literally just said that "no one bothers with them anymore" and that "if given in the right spirit, you don't want any thanks." It's quoted right above.

    I meant to say, that people have told me that thank yous are passe, but that I don't believe that. I believe in doing thank yous, I have always done them, and the people who believe they are no longer necessary, are wrong.

    I don't know why anyone would pay so much mind to what I post. I am just an ordinary poster here. Why would anyone "call me out on my bullshit"? If you don't agree with me, then shake it off!

    Why should they not call you out on the things that you post with which they disagree?  Thus is the nature of a message board.
    The nature of a message board is to post one's own opinions, and to read others viewpoints. Not to jump the shit of everyone who doesn't think the way you do!
  • dcbride86dcbride86 Washington, DC member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    CsyLyn87 said:
    Same thing happened to me!  The first bride was a co-worker and I was unable to make it to her wedding so I physically HANDED her the gift.  No thank you note.  And I know other people have received them.

    Then, my fiance's good friend got married about two months ago.  My fiance was even in the wedding.  We sent them a wine crate, where you open one bottle for certain anniversaries and each one has a special message from us.  I also made her an ornament out of her wedding invitation.  No thank you. I did get a fb message about it, but I still think that is awful etiquette.  Just had to vent! 


    I can't believe you didn't get a TY for the wedding gift where your FI was in the wedding and you gave such a heartfelt gift!!!  I mean, I think it's crazy no matter what, but ESPECIALLY for such a sweet, heartfelt gift!!  I would need to use extra notebook paper because my TY card would run out of space for that thank you haha

    I'm sorry about that.  Your gift was so sweet and you deserve a thank you note

  • Honestly, I'm in the camp who would just ask. "Hey, did you receive that blender? I just wanted to make sure as I'm just so paranoid about those things, you know me! I know you love margaritas so let me know if it's good as I'm considering buying that same one for myself." Blah blah blah.

    I am a paranoid person. I'm not dropping $100-$200 on you only to have it get lost or stolen.  I wouldn't do it as a "hey we never got thanked" passive aggressive move; I'd do it to ensure you got what I tried to give you. 

    Fuck it, I'm only giving checks from here till eternity. 
    I am totally with you on this. I would always want to know that they received it.

    Here is a true story from my own experience and further re-iterates why asking about gifts is a good idea.

    When I got married, my relative emailed me and asked if we had received her wedding shower gift since she never heard from us. We actually had NOT received it. (Turned out, she forgot to hit "submit" on her online order and had actually never ordered the gift but didn't realize it at the time). Had she never asked, she would have forever thought we were the rude couple who didn't thank her. 

    I personally was HAPPY she asked because I would have forever looked rude otherwise.

    [Deleted User]
  • @dcbride86 Thanks!  I know, I mean...I don't want to be a whiner, but I did think it was poor etiquette!  I even mentioned something to my FI about it the other day and he acted like that's normal nowadays.  You bet I had to lay down the law and let him know that for our wedding, thank you cards will be an absolute!

    I think proper etiquette is a lost art these days, unfortunately.
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Not receiving thank you notes is a pet peeve of mine. I went to a baby shower five months ago for a friends DIL and spent a good amount of money on the gift. I bought both items off the registry and a few items that I personally picked out for the baby. Never received a thank you for the gift. When the couple was married several years ago, it took months for the thank you to arrive (and only a thank you for the wedding gift not the shower gift). Seriously, if people take the time to pick out a gift and spend money, the least you can do is properly thank them!
  • AlexisA01AlexisA01 Dubai, my royal playground. member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    Not receiving thank you notes is a pet peeve of mine. I went to a baby shower five months ago for a friends DIL and spent a good amount of money on the gift. I bought both items off the registry and a few items that I personally picked out for the baby. Never received a thank you for the gift. When the couple was married several years ago, it took months for the thank you to arrive (and only a thank you for the wedding gift not the shower gift). Seriously, if people take the time to pick out a gift and spend money, the least you can do is properly thank them!

    Hey this thread is dead. Can someone close the thread? @liatris2010

    Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.

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