Help! I need relationship advice

bride2b71614

I can sense your frustration with your BF and his career choices. I vaguely remember you mentioning that you wanted to marry someone who has a stable career (preferably a doctor or something, if it wasn't you I apologize) that makes money. There is nothing wrong with that, and you are certainly allowed to want a partner who can live up to that. 

PPs make a wonderful point when they say that you're still VERY early on in your relationship. Ideally, you'd like for him to make career decisions with you in mind (of course that would be really nice), but he is not obligated to do so because you've only dated for two months. It sounds like you want him to change, and to agree with a career path that suits your standards. SOs are not houses, and there is no such thing as a fixer-upper. You decide if you can live with the house's flaws, or you pass the house up if you can't. It sounds like you can't really live with his decision to join the military, and @Loves2Shop4Shoes has a good point, there is no shame in leaving a relationship with someone whose lifestyle will ultimately make you unhappy in the end.

Best of luck to you. 

Swazzle

I think that at two months in, everything should still be perfectly happy and whimsical and all that jazz. I don't think that at two months in there should be this big of an issue between the two of you.

I also think you sound REALLY judgmental of your BF. 

My H has always been an extremely hard-worker. He didn't go to college but he's always busted his ass at his job (and FTR, he's had 5 different jobs in the 7.5 years we've been together) and helped support us. He finally found something he can see himself at long-term a little over a year ago. Not everything is so cut and dry and not having a "career" at 27 is not the end of the world especially in this day and age where plenty of people still can't even find work. 

lifeisajourney

I appreciate everyone's advice and comments I really do. The only thing I dont get is why ppl are telling me that things should be all fluffy and whimsical and head in the clouds just because it's only been two months. I'm not a head in the clouds kind of person. I dont fall head over hills for people. Im an analytic type of person. I analyze situations (sometimes too much) and I'm not the type of person to just be all mushy and gaga in love without looking at things that might be legitimate red flags for me. I did that in my younger days, not anymore. I think it's healthy to fall in love with your eyes wide open. 

Hummingbird125

@Lifeisajourney - I don't think anyone means your head should be in the clouds. The way I see it - is that at 2 months in - now matter how much time you have spent together, you really know very little about each other. It takes time to really get to know someone and to figure out if they could be a good life partner for you. At two months in, most of us think you should be enjoying getting to know each other slowly. 

When I met my now-FI, he didn't even have a full time job. I HIGHLY doubt I would have moved in with, let alone married someone who didn't have a full time job, but at two months - I figured that was none of my business. I just wanted to get to know him as a human being and see if I really saw myself with him long-term before I starting asking all the tough questions. Lo and behold, he sorted out his employment situation on his own, before we ever moved in together. If I had started criticizing his career plans - or even just commenting on them - mere weeks/months into our relationship... I really don't think we'd even still have a relationship. 

lifeisajourney

That makes it a lot more clear. Thanks @hummingbird125

peekaboo2011

Okay. I think you REALLY need to slow your roll.  Like, really.

Your engagement ended in April 2014. You have been with this guy for 2 months, so...September.  I know that things can move fast, but this is just really incredibly fast.  Especially when you have a little one.

ETA: Are you still with this guy, or is this someone new?

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1036163/who-wants-to-give-me-some-dating-advice#latest

loves2shop4shoes

Yeah, I don't think any of us is advocating for you to walk around with your eyes closed, especailly with a child.  I just think we're saying that the two month mark is learning about each other's sense of humor, likes and dislikes, basic family information, etc.  It's the time when you go out a lot, do fun activities, go to parties, have a lot of sex, etc.  It's not the time when you assess if this is THE ONE.  Of course, if you see a huge red flags, you can leave.  But notions of THE ONE don't happen at two months.

lifeisajourney

@peekaboo2011 any advice on how to "slow my roll" because I really dont think I'm making any huge steps. We dont even talk about marriage more than just to say that within the next five years we would like to be married (not even necessarily to each other). We dont live together. We dont even see each other every day. Yes he has met my son, but I also met his kids and that was after both of us spoke with our exes and got their blessing to introduce them to the kids. Im not dreaming of a wedding or talking to him about when we will get married bcuz I know I'm not ready for that. I do love him and care about him, I cant help that. I just dont see what exactly I'm doing thats "moving so fast"

loves2shop4shoes

peekaboo2011 said:

Okay. I think you REALLY need to slow your roll.  Like, really.

Your engagement ended in April 2014. You have been with this guy for 2 months, so...September.  I know that things can move fast, but this is just really incredibly fast.  Especially when you have a little one.

ETA: Are you still with this guy, or is this someone new?

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1036163/who-wants-to-give-me-some-dating-advice#latest

Wait...I'm confused.  Was this someone else?  So apparently you need a guy to have an "acceptable" career and give you gifts? 

Swazzle

peekaboo2011 said:

Okay. I think you REALLY need to slow your roll.  Like, really.

Your engagement ended in April 2014. You have been with this guy for 2 months, so...September.  I know that things can move fast, but this is just really incredibly fast.  Especially when you have a little one.

ETA: Are you still with this guy, or is this someone new?

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1036163/who-wants-to-give-me-some-dating-advice#latest

lifeisajourney

Different guy

lifeisajourney

loves2shop4shoes said:

peekaboo2011 said:

Okay. I think you REALLY need to slow your roll.  Like, really.

Your engagement ended in April 2014. You have been with this guy for 2 months, so...September.  I know that things can move fast, but this is just really incredibly fast.  Especially when you have a little one.

ETA: Are you still with this guy, or is this someone new?

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1036163/who-wants-to-give-me-some-dating-advice#latest

Wait...I'm confused.  Was this someone else?  So apparently you need a guy to have an "acceptable" career and give you gifts? 

I'm not a gold digger. I just want a man with a stable career thats not bouncing from job to job, and yes gift giving is my love language. Whats so terrible about that?

peekaboo2011

lifeisajourney said:

@peekaboo2011 any advice on how to "slow my roll" because I really dont think I'm making any huge steps. We dont even talk about marriage more than just to say that within the next five years we would like to be married (not even necessarily to each other). We dont live together. We dont even see each other every day. Yes he has met my son, but I also met his kids and that was after both of us spoke with our exes and got their blessing to introduce them to the kids. Im not dreaming of a wedding or talking to him about when we will get married bcuz I know I'm not ready for that. I do love him and care about him, I cant help that. I just dont see what exactly I'm doing thats "moving so fast"

1. You both have kids.  You're in a brand new relationship and you've met each other's kids.  That's a LOT of undue stress on the kids, and therefore a HUGE step.

2. You're so invested in his career as to him feeling attacked when you give your opinions.  It's none of your business what he does beyond "can he support himself?" at this point.

You went through the end of an engagement, after beginning to plan a wedding, and after 2 months (since that was posted in August, and you had been seeing him for ~2 months), you were in another relationship. And he met your son. And you were having issues with him because he wasn't buying you any presents.

Three months later, you're with, presumably, another guy, that you've been seeing for 2 months. Meaning that there was at most a month between relationships.  He's met your son.  You're having issues because apparently his career choices aren't good enough for you.

You really don't see all of the red flags?  I would seriously take a step back and focus on myself and my child, were I in your situation.

lifeisajourney

1) the kids arent stressed. They are all really young, my son is 2 and his kids are under 3. they dont know whats going on other than mommy and daddy have a new friend. 

2) He asked me my opinion and he said that he wants my opinion on his career choices so whether you think it's not my business he thinks so.

3) I focused on myself and my child and my son continues to be my main focus.  I went through therapy. I did my work, and I respect what your saying that you "would do" but until you've been in my shoes you really have no idea what you would do

loves2shop4shoes

... Out of curiosity, why did your ex dump you after you got engaged?

lifeisajourney

For the ladies who think my relationship has progressed too quickly does anybody have advice on how to slow things down. I cant undo what is done. Do you have any advice on what to do from here on out. I'm not going to break up with him. We did have a long talk today that we are going to just enjoy getting to know each other and not involve one another on big life choices such as career moves, although he insists that he wants my opinion about choices he makes that may effect our future relationship and I cant stop him from asking me things. 

lifeisajourney

I pressured him into proposing. Our relationship was a mess and I forced him into proposing bcuz I thought that would fix things. He realized once we started planning that he was making a huge mistake. There were a lot of things we werent compatible on. We started dating when we were really young and we out grew one another. @loves2shop4shoes

loves2shop4shoes

@lifeisajourney, how old are you now?  Was your son an oops?  (No disrespect there...I just mean did you and your ex plan to get pregnant?)

lifeisajourney

Im 25, and no we didnt plan it. Why does that matter? @loves2shop4shoes

lacqueredlover

Honestly I think you need to just slow down in general in life.  I think you are focusing on all the wrong things.  It sounds to me like you just want to be married to a guy with a good job who will buy you stuff, not to find a partner who you want to grow old with.  You want things?  Make your own career path and buy them yourself.  You want stability for you and your child?  make sure YOU can provide that for you both.  Seems to me that in the last 6 months you broke off an engagement and are now on relationship #2 that you need advice on.  I see red flags all over the place here but they are coming from you, not from the guys you are dating.

Get back into therapy.  It can be so incredibly helpful and can help you to see things in a different light.  Think about it, if your best friend or sister came to you and said "I just broke off an engagement 6 months ago, then I dated a guy for a few months but I'm upset that he isn't giving me presents and I broke up with him and now I'm dating a new guy for 2 months but his job isn't good enough for me" what advice would you give them?

eilis1228

lifeisajourney said:

1) the kids arent stressed. They are all really young, my son is 2 and his kids are under 3. they dont know whats going on other than mommy and daddy have a new friend. 

2) He asked me my opinion and he said that he wants my opinion on his career choices so whether you think it's not my business he things so.

3) I focused on myself and my child and my son continues to be my main focus.  I went through therapy. I did my work, and I respect what your saying that you "would do" but until you've been in my shoes you really have no idea what you would do

I'm pretty sure they are aware of more than you think they are. My parents divorced before I turned 2, and I remember all of the "friends" I met. My mom only introduced me to one boyfriend prior to her meeting and marrying my step-dad, but I remember bonding with that boyfriend, looking forward to seeing him, and being very upset when I couldn't see him anymore. They broke up when I was 4. You'd be surprised how invested young children get in those "friends." I'm not saying that you're scarring your kids or criticizing your parenting skills, I'm just saying that the kids are probably more invested than you realize.

Re: the military. I also want to make clear that I'm not criticizing you for not wanting to be a military wife. I'm criticizing you for involving yourself in HIS decision and for spewing negativity about his career in general. This decision is his alone and has nothing to do with you. 

You may be in denial about it, but his instability at work really seems to be a dealbreaker for you. If you're to the point of giving out ultimatums 2 months in because of a potential career path, then you need to be honest with yourself and realize that this relationship isn't right for you.

lifeisajourney

@lacqueredlover you are sooooo judgmental! You dont know enough about me to make the judgments that you do. 1) I'm still in therapy. 2) I have a very successful career that I love and can buy myself things 3) I definitely want a partner, it's not all about money for me at all but stability is important for me  4) do you have any advice bcuz all I hear from you is criticism and negativity  

lifeisajourney

eilis1228:

Re: the military. I also want to make clear that I'm not criticizing you for not wanting to be a military wife. I'm criticizing you for involving yourself in HIS decision and for spewing negativity about his career in general. This decision is his alone and has nothing to do with you. 

You may be in denial about it, but his instability at work really seems to be a dealbreaker for you. If you're to the point of giving out ultimatums 2 months in because of a potential career path, then you need to be honest with yourself and realize that this relationship isn't right for you.

He involved me. He asked me my opinion. I didnt volunteer my opinion

lacqueredlover

Yes my advice is to find a new therapist.  I'm not being judgmental, I'm being honest.  Sorry but when you post on an online forum for a bunch of strangers, not everyone is going to be all rainbows and sunshines.  I'm giving it to you straight, I think you're looking for a man to take care of you, not a partner.  You've bounced through 3 relationships in the last 6 months.  Stop.  There's no rush.  You're seeing red flags and not doing anything about them because you don't want to be alone.  So yes, find a new therapist.  That's my advice.  

lifeisajourney

Thanks @lacqueredlover

peekaboo2011

lacqueredlover said:

Yes my advice is to find a new therapist.  I'm not being judgmental, I'm being honest.  Sorry but when you post on an online forum for a bunch of strangers, not everyone is going to be all rainbows and sunshines.  I'm giving it to you straight, I think you're looking for a man to take care of you, not a partner.  You've bounced through 3 relationships in the last 6 months.  Stop.  There's no rush.  You're seeing red flags and not doing anything about them because you don't want to be alone.  So yes, find a new therapist.  That's my advice.  

I don't know you, but I think I love you.

lacqueredlover

peekaboo2011 said:

lacqueredlover said:

Yes my advice is to find a new therapist.  I'm not being judgmental, I'm being honest.  Sorry but when you post on an online forum for a bunch of strangers, not everyone is going to be all rainbows and sunshines.  I'm giving it to you straight, I think you're looking for a man to take care of you, not a partner.  You've bounced through 3 relationships in the last 6 months.  Stop.  There's no rush.  You're seeing red flags and not doing anything about them because you don't want to be alone.  So yes, find a new therapist.  That's my advice.  

I don't know you, but I think I love you.

Hahaha thanks.  Look, I ran an advice website for years, I've seen girls doing this over and over again.  It's sad but I'm not going to coddle anyone, I"m going to give honest, real world advice.  Don't just make excuses over and over again for why, when other people point out the red flags that someone posts about, they are wrong.  We can only go by the information given and all the information given so far has been not so great.  So, at 2 months in, I'd cut my losses, find a new therapist and figure out why I'm fixating on these things so much and bouncing from relationship to relationship.

loves2shop4shoes

lacqueredlover said:

peekaboo2011 said:

lacqueredlover said:

Yes my advice is to find a new therapist.  I'm not being judgmental, I'm being honest.  Sorry but when you post on an online forum for a bunch of strangers, not everyone is going to be all rainbows and sunshines.  I'm giving it to you straight, I think you're looking for a man to take care of you, not a partner.  You've bounced through 3 relationships in the last 6 months.  Stop.  There's no rush.  You're seeing red flags and not doing anything about them because you don't want to be alone.  So yes, find a new therapist.  That's my advice.  

I don't know you, but I think I love you.

Hahaha thanks.  Look, I ran an advice website for years, I've seen girls doing this over and over again.  It's sad but I'm not going to coddle anyone, I"m going to give honest, real world advice.  Don't just make excuses over and over again for why, when other people point out the red flags that someone posts about, they are wrong.  We can only go by the information given and all the information given so far has been not so great.  So, at 2 months in, I'd cut my losses, find a new therapist and figure out why I'm fixating on these things so much and bouncing from relationship to relationship.

You may be my new favorite.

[Deleted User]

lifeisajourney said:

For the ladies who think my relationship has progressed too quickly does anybody have advice on how to slow things down. I cant undo what is done. Do you have any advice on what to do from here on out. I'm not going to break up with him. We did have a long talk today that we are going to just enjoy getting to know each other and not involve one another on big life choices such as career moves, although he insists that he wants my opinion about choices he makes that may effect our future relationship and I cant stop him from asking me things. 

Sure you can. Have you told him that you feel that with him asking you these questions might be causing some doubt and strain on your relationship? Maybe instead of telling him that joining the military is a red flag which may cause him to feel bad about what he told you and then cause him to get upset instead just ask him questions about why he wants to join the military. Ask him what interests him in it and what he thinks he would get out of it? If you're so worried about the stability of his career, I would just help him. Help him to find something that he is truly passionate about and interested in. 

I see some validity in the points that PP's have made in the fact that your relationship is only 2 months old and that you really shouldn't be worried about his career choices right now. After all, it is his decision on what he wants to do with his life but it's also cool that he wants your opinions on it. As hard it may be to direct him towards something you feel would be more stable...just help him find something that he likes. If he jumps into something that you both think would be a super stable career but he may not enjoy it and lets say down the road you two end up getting married and he quits the day after you get married...then what? Just be there for him and help him. That's all I can say. 

eilis1228

lifeisajourney said:

eilis1228:

Re: the military. I also want to make clear that I'm not criticizing you for not wanting to be a military wife. I'm criticizing you for involving yourself in HIS decision and for spewing negativity about his career in general. This decision is his alone and has nothing to do with you. 

You may be in denial about it, but his instability at work really seems to be a dealbreaker for you. If you're to the point of giving out ultimatums 2 months in because of a potential career path, then you need to be honest with yourself and realize that this relationship isn't right for you.

He involved me. He asked me my opinion. I didnt volunteer my opinion

SITB:

This is still his decision. He may have asked, but you've taken over. I think the best way you can help him is to ask what he's interested in, and help him with the research of how to make the dream a reality. Don't spew negativity about every option and how his career will affect you. At two months in, you guys could end up being a blip on each other's radars. You need to take yourself out of the situation because it's not your decision. Period.

You say you see a future with him, but all I hear about is you. Your wants, your needs, your happiness. You're coming across as a very selfish person on this forum. We don't know you in real life, so we don't know how accurately you're depicting yourself and your relationship. Based on this thread and the one linked in this post, you seem pretty self-involved. If you REALLY cared about your boyfriend and really saw a future with him, you'd adapt to the military lifestyle if that's the career he chooses. You'd work together, not threaten him. When my FI and I started dating, he applied to a program that would station him all over the country multiple times within an 18-month period, and then he'd be stationed permanently in one of three places. Only one of those three places was local.  We'd been dating about 2 months when this possibility came up. I told him we'd make it work. He ended up not being accepted to the program, but I was fully prepared to do a long-distance relationship and potentially move to wherever he would be stationed. If you really truly care about a person and see a future with them, you support that person in their endeavors. 

You are not supportive at all. It's a huge red flag.