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Not Engaged Yet
lifeisajourney
member
Help! I need relationship advice
I'm going to try to keep this short and to the point but if I leave anything out that you need to know just ask....
Bf and I have been together for almost 2 months (very new relationship)
The only thing I dislike about him is that he doesn't have a stable career. He works but is currently looking for a new job that makes more money. He has no clear path about where he wants to work. He doesn't really care as long as it will give him the financial security he's looking for
It bothers me greatly that he doesn't have a clear path or goal as far as his career is concerned
Last night he asked me how I would feel about him going into the military. I told him that I wouldn't be able to stay in this relationship if he made that choice. He didnt like that answer at all. I respect the military wives out there for their sacrifice, but it's not something I'm willing to do and that's a nonnegotiable for me. I feel like he's so all over the place that I cant feel secure in our relationship. One day you want to be a post office worker, the next day a police officer, the next day you want to join the army. We are too old for this. He is 27.
He says that he feels like I beat him up and attack him by always telling him that I'm not happy about his career situation, but then he cant tell me exactly what I'm saying that makes him feel beat up. He says he wants to hear my thoughts and feelings (I never bring this conversation up, he brings it up and I give my honest thoughts) but then when I tell him how i feel he says i'm attacking him
Im very frustrated. Tell me like it is. If Im being ridiculous tell me. I need to hear it straight.
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Re: Help! I need relationship advice
I myself am guilty of career jumping. I thought I wanted to be a lawyer, went to law school, realized it wasn't for me, and jumped ship. Since then, I've worked in Operations, Marketing, and Project Management for numerous industries. Can I earn a respectable salary? Yes. Even in my unemployment lull was I ever expecting DH to support me while I sat on my ass? No.
Right now, I have a great job. I still have days where I wonder if I should go back to school to teach or be a therapist or something. I think that's normal, especially if you're smart enough and have enough diverse interests to be able to be good at a number of professions.
I also think that you're relationship is BRAND new. Not even 2 months old yet. Like...under 10 WEEKS. That is BRAND NEW. If you're unhappy with any part of this person at this point, keep on shopping, but don't think you're in a position to dictate what his career should be. You're not.
As a complete aside, I do agree with you on one point. I could never marry a member of the military. I appreciate those who risk their lives so that we can all be free, but I wouldn't want to be married to someone who could be in that kind of danger on a daily basis.
My point is that you're not even TWO MONTHS in. If you're seeing red flags or "dealbreakers" at this point (and hey, everyone's deal breakers are different), then keep it moving. Someone can be a fantastic guy with numerous great qualities, but that doesn't mean he's right for you.
I'm going to venture a guess that the fact that you've already (mere WEEKS into this relationship) openly criticized his career path isn't going to do great things for your relationship long-term. And to be honest, I see a MILLION red flags here. You're way too serious way too soon.
You’re already calling each other “baby”? You’ve already introduced each other to your kids (less than two MONTHS in)? You’re already thinking marriage and “he’s the one?” Do you even know his middle name? Do you know where he was born? Do you know his parents names, or his mother’s maiden name? Do you know what his childhood was like? Do you know if he has debt, and how much? Do you know if he’s ever been convicted of a crime? Do you know what his religious affiliations are? Do you know what his biggest accomplishment is? Do you know what in life he associates shame with?
Like…SLOW.YOUR.ROLL. Why don’t you LEARN more about this guy before judging him, calling him baby, introducing him to your kids, and considering whether or not he’s a good marriage prospect?
Everyone here has given the best advice already, which is to chill out with your approach to his career choices. At two months in, just try to enjoy the relationship and truly get to know him. I'm not saying that you should ignore the issue of his career entirely, because it's important to have someone who will work with you to support your family, but maybe sit back and see what happens if this is the ONLY issue you see right now. Some people spend their whole lives changing careers, earning additional degrees, etc., and they still manage to meet their financial responsibilities to their loved ones. He doesn't sound like a deadbeat from what you've told us so far; maybe just indecisive, flexible, and versatile. Not horrible qualities in a man, even if sometimes they are frustrating.
I don't think it's wrong that you were honest about your feelings about the military lifestyle; that's something that is very personal and you have a right to them. Like @futuremrshistorian said, you might find that you change your mind overtime, but it's good to know where you stand on it right now. Remember that and keep it in mind as he brings up other ideas - for example, jobs that would require him to travel a lot, require you to move, etc.
That being said, he doesn't seem dead-set on any of these ideas right now; more just casting them out there as possibilities. I know I did this for YEARS with ex-BF; I changed my mind about what career I wanted every two weeks when we first met. It would have been very hurtful and discouraging to hear him point out all the negatives to my ideas, especially how they would mess things up for him, when really all I needed was time to consider them for myself. Your BF might be experiencing the same thing - getting excited about the possibilities and seeking your "permission" to explore them more in depth.
I think the time to get serious and talk about how your relationship would work (or not work) with a certain career is once he's ready to commit to that path. Once he's like, "I'm ready to fill out the paperwork," or, "I'm ready to apply to this job," or, "I'm ready to start classes next semester," at that point, you can actually come up with a game plan and see how you feel about everything in front of you. Especially once you're further into the relationship, I can understand wanting him to talk with you about major decisions like a career change, but you also don't want your relationship to prevent him to pursuing something he really wants. That DOES NOT work out in the end.