Moms and Maids

Trying to Pick My Maid of Honour

This is going to be pretty vent-y so I'm warning you now.

I am really torn about choosing my maid of honour and could really use some advice There are two main problems. Instinctively, I really, really, want my younger brother to by my maid of honour (or man of honour in this case). Aside, from my fiance, he's my best friend. The first big problem is by my wedding he will not be old enough to be a witness. Now this really shouldn't be a huge problem, but I don't know who else would sign. Choosing him is bound to make some problems for my family.

Which brings us to problem two. I have two sisters I'm going to call them "Monica" and "Rachel" to avoid confusion. Monica has already been telling everyone since I got engaged a over year ago that she's my maid of honour. I have not asked her. I have not even asked anyone to be a bridesmaid. I wanted to wait until closer to the wedding because relationships change. Yes they're my sisters, but I didn't want any of my female friends to think they had not been asked because I had already asked my sisters, then have them tell me and then feel bad and end up asking them. Anyway back to the point. If I do not choose Monica I know she's going to be really hurt. I don't want to do that to her, but I also don't want to choose my honour attendant based on who is going to cry if they don't get it. I want that person to be special to me and I haven't been close to my sister since middle school. My fiance has also begged me not to pick Monica because she can be really controlling and negative. I could make an entire other post about how bossy she has been and already planned my wedding on pintrest, was offended that I picked the colour scheme with my fiance (apparently that's one of her duties), and all of the other crap she's criticized (For the record I don't think I'm being that bossy about bridesmaids issues, they get to pick their own dresses regardless of if they match, they just have to be the right colour, hair and makeup will be completely up to them). Regardless, she will always be my sister so she is going to be a bridesmaid. I just don't know if I want her to be my maid of honour because she's making me miserable and I want to pick my brother. For the record though she is a really good person, she's just watched every episode of Four Weddings multiple times and thinks she knows everything despite only having attended two and left both early. I really think she just wants to help and is going about it the wrong way. Though I am confused why she's been telling people she's my MOH when I have not asked.

This will of course make more waves. Monica will feel shafted and I don't know if I could ask her to be a witness because she would likely feel worse. I mean how would it go? "Hi Sis! I know you really wanted to by my maid of honour, but would you mind fulfilling the duty of signing the witness line because the person I picked can't?" Talk about a punch in the stomach. My mother will be horrified that I want a male bridesmaid much less MOH so she won't witness. I could ask Rachel, but its a well known secret we can't stand each other so that would make Monica feel even worse. Heck, she's bound to feel awful unless I pick her. If I can't have my brother I am picking her even if she is being difficult right now, of my two sister's I'm closer to her. Who to choose my brother or Monica?

How important is the maid of honour these days? Is the position worth the drama? Who would you pick? If I pick my brother how do I handle finding someone to sign as a witness? If I pick my sister, what can I do to give my brother a special role? Its really important to me that he's involved!

If its okay, I'd also like to remove this discussion in a month or two. I would hate for my sister to see this someday. Thanks for reading!

Re: Trying to Pick My Maid of Honour

  • You don't have to pick a family member.  In fact, you don't have to have a maid of honor or bridesmaids if it's going to be a hassle.  You should choose the people who are your closest friends and the people you would be proud to stand up next to you at your wedding.

    For the record, my maid of honor won't be signing my marriage license, a very deal family friend who is like a second mom to me will be.

  • Will asking 'Monica' to sign as a witness salvage her hurt feelings from your brother being the honor attendant?

    Really, though, it kind of sounds like you shouldn't ask either of your sisters to even be bridesmaids.
  • See that's the thing. I think she'd be insulted. Probably say something along the lines of "What I'm not good enough to be your MOH, but I'm good enough to sign the paper?"

    My fiance is honestly pretty shocked I was even planning to ask Rachel. But as I see it, blood runs thicker than water. I only have one close female friend. She's a great friend and will be a bridesmaid too, but at the end of the day I have to wonder who I will still be in close contact with in ten years. More likely, the answer is my siblings. Although, in Rachel's case likely not all that happily. But I also don't want to look back on the day and think it was really mean of me to exclude her. Lots of things will be forgotten over time, but how I made them feel likely won't.
  • My best friend had two sisters, and me to choose between.  She first asked her younger sister who wasn't able to plan a bachelorette party or bridal shower.  I was helping out with the whole planning process so she decided to have two MOHs.  This was all fine until her older sister guilt tripped her into having her as a third MOH.  The funny thing is, we could have all been bridesmaids and it wouldn't have made a difference.  Her father signed as the witness.  We all gave short speeches. Was it overkill? A bit... but that's what happens when you're an easy going bride and don't want to upset anyone.  I ended up sharing the responsibilities with her sisters.  

    In my opinion, you don't need a "MOH".  You can explain to the your bridal party (or at least the ones who you would consider to be MOH) that you want to include them all in different ways.  You could even ask one to do a reading during the ceremony.  One to sign as the witness.  One to hold your bouquet... there are a lot of little responsibilities.  
    [Deleted User]
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited November 2014
    You don't need to have a person of honor at all.

    I'm not going to. I asked my FI's sister, and my two close friends. He has his brother, cousin, and my brother as his groomsmen. I don't really have a maid of honor. I see no need for it. If pushed I guess I'd name his sister as one, since I don't want to cause drama by picking between my friends. My brother and his brother will sign as witnesses for us (his sister is too young, and this way we have someone from both of our families.)

    In your case, since you plan to ask your sisters to be bridesmaids no matter what, I'd ask your sisters and brother to stand up with you either all as brides-people OR, ask Monica and your brother to be your man of honor and maid of honor, and have your Monica sign. I wouldn't want to make waves, and drama with your family over something like the distinction between bridesmaid and maid of honor (which is kind of arbitrary)  just doesn't seem worth it to me.

  • You should pick the person that you want to have by your side - not the one whose feelings will be most hurt. Or you can just not have a MOH, if that's what you'd prefer. I had four BMs and no MOH. I didn't feel like picking one of my friends to be more special than the others. None of DH's or my siblings were in the BP - we had our three sisters each do readings. 

    Everyone handles their BP differently - the key is to make sure that you're happy with and firm on your decision before you ask anyone.

    As for the witness - why does it have to be a family member? Why not have your close friend sign?
  • I suppose I could ask my friend. She's at least someone who would not hold me not asking my sister against me. Though I still worry about "Monica's" feelings. This could still make some waves with my family. Maybe I would be better off not having a maid of honour and just splitting the duties (holding my bouquet, signing the witness line, giving a toast) among my bridesmaids and have my brother as a bridesmaid. I'll have to give it more thought.
    Thanks for listening. I wasn't planning to ask anyone for another month or two, but this has really been weighing on me :)
  • If monica is going to feel badly because of how YOU plan YOUR wedding, that's on her.  

    [Deleted User]
  • Monica needs o grow up and get over it.  Do not let her bully you into picking her as your MOH if that is not what you want.  All they have to do whether a MOH or a bridemaid is get the outift of choice and show up on your wedding day.  The last thing you want is to be miserable choosing a person who is going to make you miserable during the wedding process (sounds like Monica will want to be TOO involved). 

    If your gut tells you to pick your brother, then do it.  Or if you are OK with Monica taking over your wedding planning then make her a co-MOH.  Or take the easy way out and pick your friend.  If I were you, I would pick your brother and ask Monica to sign...if she throws a fit let her act like a child and look ridiculous then ask your friend, mom, dad, etc to sign.   Brother can still be MOH and not sign the license.

    I did not pick a MOH-- my three best friends shared the "role" so to speak

  • No need for an anything of honor! I've got two best friends who have both made an incredible difference in my life. Choosing between them would not be fair, so I'm just not going to have a maid of honor at all!

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I'm not certain what type of wedding you're having, but have you considered asking "Monica" to take on the ultra-important role of officiant? She can easily get licensed by the state as her gift to you, and that way you know you have someone reliable and capable to do the service, without requiring her to be a part of every little detail, even if she wants to be. It may also make her feel even MORE important than the MOH if you spin it the right way. Just a thought!
  • jls5121, your reply really made me smile! Especially the spinning it the right way part, boosting Monica's ego is not hard, its actually really easy. Unfortunately, it won't work, but don't take that the wrong way because your comment made my day. It wouldn't work for a couple of reasons.

    We are hoping to get married at my FI's church, though we may not get it because were having a Sunday wedding due to reception prices. Reason for this is that FMIL has bipolar disorder and has not been very involved with the decisions as she is not contributing financially and has previously threatened to spill food on my dress at the reception when she did not get her way. However, I know it would mean a lot to her if we were married at her church. This to me seems like a good way of involving her without giving in to her demands. Even if we ended up at the backup for location (an old historic church in a forest that is no longer used except in movies and once in a tv series, also ten minutes from the reception) I'd still like to at least use the pastor from FI's church. Another reason, Monica is an active atheist which would completely flip FI's family out if they found out.  Monica would make this well known to them and finds it offensive that I am planning to get married at church despite that it is my wedding and I'm a Christian and both our families are Christan (maybe I'm being insensitive, but after listening to her complain about everything and her actually crying when I did not invite her to look an reception venues, and putting me in the awkward position of having to correct people that she is not the MOH because I haven't asked anyone yet, all I really want to say to her is please grow up). And finally, Monica has a huge fear of public speaking. The only defense I have against her wanting to be the MOH is that I want both honour attendants to speak at the wedding. (In my annoyingly patriarchal extended family the women aren't allowed to speak at weddings or funerals, I'm changing that one! Even if I have a male MOH I'm going to get up at the podium and thank my guests) The thought of her being the officiant really did make me laugh out loud. It would be the most sarcastic, bitter, provocative, cynical and stuttered ceremony anyone ever heard. If you ever watched the series House it would be like him officiating in a nervous sweat.

    So yeah, please don't be offended that I found your comment funny. I had not though of it actually is a really good idea and if it weren't for the above reasons I would seriously consider it (though I did want a religious ceremony, I still really don't like conflict). I'd recommend it to someone if they were in my shoes. For what its worth I'm so glad you posted it because it made my day. Probably, wasn't your intention, but after today I really needed a laugh. Thank you so much for writing it :)

    ...actually, if you know any creative ways to include my brother if he is not the MOH I'd love to hear them, the officiant idea was really clever
  • An atheist - well that changes things! Lol. I'm having my brother as part of the wedding party on the groom's side, but he's also singing my wedding song for me. I also considered letting him give me away since I have both a dad and a stepdad, but that's not for everyone. Is there something that he's really good at that he might be able to contribute to your wedding in a special way? 
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