Etiquette

Bad Etiquette Ruined my Friendship

I am a long time lurker on this board and I really feel like sharing my story here will be beneficial for brides in the planning stages. 
I am no longer speaking to a friend from college all because of how terrible she was while planning her wedding
Here are the things she did that ruined our friendship as well as her friendships with a lot of other people. Maybe this can be a cautionary tale.

1) Invites- A year before the wedding she sent out a group email asking who would be interested in coming to her wedding. She says she did this because she needed head counts to give her vendors (which makes no sense, but hey...ok) She did not call us to see if the email addresses she had for us were current and so I missed the email and didnt reply. I called her after I heard about the email through some mutual friends. She then informed me that since I missed the email I would not be able to attend her wedding because she was on a tight budget and was basically doing a "first come, first serve" guest list and since I didnt respond to the email fast enough I was off the invite list. 

Although I was sad and confused by this I still tried to be a good friend and told her that she could B-list me and if a spot became open for whatever reason that I would love to fill in and be there on her special day. I also found out that she "took back" invitations from some of our friends that had replied to her email because she needed to make room for aunts, cousins, and "more important people"

2) "Bridal" shower- She decided that she would invite all the people who she couldnt afford to have at her wedding to her shower. I informed her that this was really bad etiquette and felt gift grabby. Her answer to that was "You should just be happy that I am letting you celebrate with me in some way and if you were a real friend you would just be supportive and understanding that I'm on a tight budget. I was hurt my this but still considered going until I checked the invitation and realized that the shower is AFTER the wedding. She wont be a bride at her "bridal shower" she will be a wife. Apparently she didnt have time on her schedule to do the shower before the wedding so she's doing it afterwards

I am just shocked and disgusted by the way my "friend" has treated me throughout this wedding "planning" process and I have decided that I dont need "friends" like this. I could excuse her lack of etiquette and just say she didnt know any better but the way she just made me feel so unimportant and her "it's my day I can do what I want" attitude has just made me not even want to remain in this friendship any longer. 

Re: Bad Etiquette Ruined my Friendship

  • esstee33esstee33 Pittsburgh member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I am a long time lurker on this board and I really feel like sharing my story here will be beneficial for brides in the planning stages. 
    I am no longer speaking to a friend from college all because of how terrible she was while planning her wedding
    Here are the things she did that ruined our friendship as well as her friendships with a lot of other people. Maybe this can be a cautionary tale.

    1) Invites- A year before the wedding she sent out a group email asking who would be interested in coming to her wedding. She says she did this because she needed head counts to give her vendors (which makes no sense, but hey...ok) She did not call us to see if the email addresses she had for us were current and so I missed the email and didnt reply. I called her after I heard about the email through some mutual friends. She then informed me that since I missed the email I would not be able to attend her wedding because she was on a tight budget and was basically doing a "first come, first serve" guest list and since I didnt respond to the email fast enough I was off the invite list. 

    Although I was sad and confused by this I still tried to be a good friend and told her that she could B-list me and if a spot became open for whatever reason that I would love to fill in and be there on her special day. I also found out that she "took back" invitations from some of our friends that had replied to her email because she needed to make room for aunts, cousins, and "more important people"

    2) "Bridal" shower- She decided that she would invite all the people who she couldnt afford to have at her wedding to her shower. I informed her that this was really bad etiquette and felt gift grabby. Her answer to that was "You should just be happy that I am letting you celebrate with me in some way and if you were a real friend you would just be supportive and understanding that I'm on a tight budget. I was hurt my this but still considered going until I checked the invitation and realized that the shower is AFTER the wedding. She wont be a bride at her "bridal shower" she will be a wife. Apparently she didnt have time on her schedule to do the shower before the wedding so she's doing it afterwards

    I am just shocked and disgusted by the way my "friend" has treated me throughout this wedding "planning" process and I have decided that I dont need "friends" like this. I could excuse her lack of etiquette and just say she didnt know any better but the way she just made me feel so unimportant and her "it's my day I can do what I want" attitude has just made me not even want to remain in this friendship any longer. 
    Oh my. Wow. What a horrible friend she was -- be glad you're rid of her! The bolded shows pretty clearly that she's only concerned with how her friendships can potentially benefit her, and not about mutual care or respect. 


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    lifeisajourneynovella1186
  • Some "friends" are not worth having. Good riddance!
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    lifeisajourneyPrettyGirlLostJBee85
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Wow, that's awful! Sounds like you found out the hard way who your true friends are, but seems like you're better off.

    Formerly martha1818

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    lifeisajourney
  • dcbride86dcbride86 Washington, DC member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer

    You should just be happy she ever allowed you to be in her amazing presence.  Clearly, she's the most important beautiful snowflake in the world.

     

    But seriously - what's up with this girl? 

    lifeisajourney
  • Ew. I'm sorry she treated you like crap, but it sounds like it was really smart of you to distance yourself from her. No one needs people like that in their life. 
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  • From her comments, she doesn't seem like she was a "friend" at all. To echo PPs, Good Riddance.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    lifeisajourney
  • Horrible excuse of a human! Well at least you don't need that crazy in your life.
    lifeisajourney
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    She sounds like a pretty awful person. 

    lifeisajourney
  • So sorry you went through all that, but it sounds like you're better off now!
    lifeisajourney
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Wow, she was mean. I think you're better off without her as a friend.
    lifeisajourney
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My best friend tried to do something like the first thing for her destination wedding.  She was freaking out about a head count and wanted to get a primary estimate.  I was like, "dude, no," and luckily she listened.    

    Your "friend" sounds really shitty.  Good thing that nonsense is out of your life now! 




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    lifeisajourney
  • My guess would be your friendship isn't the only one that has been affected by how she is handling her wedding. She is going to be wondering where all her friends are come the bridal shower & after.
    lifeisajourneyBlue_Bird
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Wow...I have no words. Glad you took that person out of your life!
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • That goes beyond etiquette.


     That is hurtful, selfish, and inconsiderate.

  • Everything else sounds horrible, but can someone please explain why a post wedding shower is bad form? I'm talking soon post wedding. My MOH almost threw one post wedding for me because 1. She really wanted to throw me a shower and 2. In the three months between her shower planning and my wedding, there were no weekends where one of the other of us wasn't working (FTR she ended up organizing the shower for a weekend I was off and her mom hosted it in her stead). I mean I get that the week after you get married, you'll be a wife, but it's not like you magically start having pots and pans and dishes and things on your wedding day.
  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited November 2014
    Wegl13 said:
    Everything else sounds horrible, but can someone please explain why a post wedding shower is bad form? I'm talking soon post wedding. My MOH almost threw one post wedding for me because 1. She really wanted to throw me a shower and 2. In the three months between her shower planning and my wedding, there were no weekends where one of the other of us wasn't working (FTR she ended up organizing the shower for a weekend I was off and her mom hosted it in her stead). I mean I get that the week after you get married, you'll be a wife, but it's not like you magically start having pots and pans and dishes and things on your wedding day.
    ***EDIT WTF MISSING BOXES***Showers are not a right and not all brides get one and having one after you're already married is gift grabby. Gifts are not required, it's nice of a guest to give you one but they don't have to so going through a wedding and then having a shower after seems to scream "YOU PEOPLE NEED TO BUY ME STUFF" 

    Plus, many couples receive cash or checks at their wedding instead of a boxed gift so if that's the case and they didn't have a shower they can just use that money to buy whatever they need.
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  • Wegl13 said:
    Everything else sounds horrible, but can someone please explain why a post wedding shower is bad form? I'm talking soon post wedding. My MOH almost threw one post wedding for me because 1. She really wanted to throw me a shower and 2. In the three months between her shower planning and my wedding, there were no weekends where one of the other of us wasn't working (FTR she ended up organizing the shower for a weekend I was off and her mom hosted it in her stead). I mean I get that the week after you get married, you'll be a wife, but it's not like you magically start having pots and pans and dishes and things on your wedding day.
    Umm... because you're not required to have a shower just because you are getting married. I didn't. Guess what. I still received gifts from guests either before or at the wedding. The things we needed/wanted that we didn't receive as gifts? We bought them for ourselves using our completion discount and the giftcards and/or checks that were given to us as wedding presents.
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I find it sort of funny that you asked to be b-listed, but whatevs.
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    Anniversary
  • Ugh, I want to say I can't believe people actually act this way but, it doesn't surprise me. Sounds like you are better off without this person as a friend. 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers


    Wegl13 said:
    Everything else sounds horrible, but can someone please explain why a post wedding shower is bad form? I'm talking soon post wedding. My MOH almost threw one post wedding for me because 1. She really wanted to throw me a shower and 2. In the three months between her shower planning and my wedding, there were no weekends where one of the other of us wasn't working (FTR she ended up organizing the shower for a weekend I was off and her mom hosted it in her stead). I mean I get that the week after you get married, you'll be a wife, but it's not like you magically start having pots and pans and dishes and things on your wedding day.
    Post wedding shower to me screams: "I didn't get everything I wanted for my wedding, so now I'm going to throw a party so you can complete my registry".

    Wedding= Main event. You don't get to have a gift clean up after the main event. 
    Liatris2010PrettyGirlLostKnottie48804623
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I know quite a few people from high school who did the Facebook message to find out who wants to come to their wedding bit. They usually send it out to their entire list of friends too so sometimes that is over 500 people, over even over 1000 people. 

    Every time I just shake my head. Decided your budget, decide how many people you can invite based on that budget, make your guest list. It's not rocket science.


    lc07
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I could maybe understand a shower a week after the wedding due to scheduling issues.  Maybe.  But I sure as hell didn't need pots and pans magically after my wedding any more than I did before.  


    OP, this person is a peach.  Good riddance.
  • marie2785marie2785 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2014
    I've never understood that princess attitude. You should be honored/happy you were invited to celebrate? How about she should be honored someone showed up to celebrate?

    I will be honored that friends and family felt my wedding was important enough to spend a Saturday evening attending. Especially when they had their own lives, families, and other things to do, and/or are travelling to attend. My wedding is a big deal to me and my fiance (and our parents, but that's their generous choice to find it a big deal).
    JellyBean52513lc07
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