So Pissed at DH.

CA.Giraffe

My mom passed away in June. Yesterday was the first time I didn't have her Thanksgiving dinner. I was pretty inconsolable Wednesday, but yesterday we were headed to DH's family gathering, so I tried to keep it together - even made a couple dishes for them. I just wasn't feeling it, though, and pretty much sat by myself the entire time. I'm not really close to his family, so this isn't too different from what I do during any holiday gathering with them. I was polite to anyone I encountered, but I didn't seek out conversation. I didn't really eat anything - just wasn't hungry.

When we got home, DH was clearly upset and didn't talk to me the rest of the evening, even when I asked what was wrong. The silent treatment continued this morning, until he finally blew up at how my poor attitude had RUINED his Thanksgiving, that it might be his uncle's last Thanksgiving (benign growth in his lung), that I couldn't just suck it up for him, that now he can't get this Thanksgiving back and it was awful because I decided to be a bitch. That he shouldn't have to spend any part of his holiday explaining that no, we're not fighting, that I'm just upset over my mom, and that happened months ago. Then he asked me if I planned on acting like this at Christmas, too.

I told him I was sorry I didn't live up to his fucking family's expectations, and that if these people cared about me, they would have known my mom passed away and that the holiday might just be a little tough. (We live close to his relatives and have seen them several times since June. He speaks to some of them at least weekly.) I'm hurt he isn't more understanding, and that he couldn't consider my feelings to be at least as important as his family's.

novella1186

Wow. I'm so sorry he acted that way. That is really awful. He, of all people, should be understanding of what you're going through and should be supportive of you. To say that you ruined his Thanksgiving sounds incredibly selfish and childish, not to mention a bit too dramatic.

His family should also show some understanding and sympathy. It doesn't matter that your mother passed a few months ago, that's not a very long time. That's not enough time to grieve such a significant loss. It's not like you can just "get over it" after a certain amount of time. Your mother is an extremely important person and I'm sure a part of you will always miss her, no matter how much time has passed. And I'm so sorry for your loss.

My only advice is to sit down with DH and have a calm heart-to-heart talk, and explain what you're feeling.

So many hugs to you.

dcbride86

I'm SO sorry!  That's just awful!  I'm also so sorry about your mom, and about your first Thanksgiving without her.  That must have been very hard.

AddieCake

Big hugs to you. He is being very insensitive.

climbingsingle

Wow. He's being so insensitive to you. I would be very angry and hury too.

pinkcow13

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is never easy. There is no formula for the right amount of time to grieve, or how one should grieve. Going through the holidays after the loss of a loved one is extremely hard for many people. He is being very insensitive. I would be furious and sad myself. I hope he realizes how insensitive he is being and apologizes to you.

ShellD13

I'm so sorry that sounds terrible.  Regardless of how long ago your Mom passed DH and his family should understand that the first set of holidays that occur after the death of a loved one will always be VERY DIFFICULT.

CA.Giraffe

Thanks ladies. DH hasn't lost anyone close to him, and I know that generally speaking, people have expected my mom's passing to come as something of a relief due to the care she required, and maybe don't get how sad it is for me. (She was bedridden/quadriplegic for 11 years, so many don't understand how empty I feel because it's not as if she was a constant presence in my day to day life).

mrs4everhart

Wow. I'm livid for you. So you "ruined" his day bc you weren't all filled with holiday joy less than six months after losing your Mom? Is he generally this self centered and inconsiderate or only when turkey is served?

My temper would have me near apoplexy if I was you. I'd have a few choice words for him then he'd probably do well to stay far away from me.

I hope you can be more rational than I would be in your situation.

I'm sorry for your loss. You get to feel however you feel without apology and if your DH can't accept that, he should just go suck it.

RebeccaB88

It sounds like the rest of his family wasn't terribly sensitive to your feelings yesterday either.  Did no one give you a hug or ask how you were doing with things at all?  I mean, I think you did your best under the circumstances, but if they just carried on as normal and ignored the rough time you were having, then yeah...they suck too.  And your husband is acting like a selfish child, but sometimes you can't just say 'but he should know' because that's not always the case. He can't expect you to be happy and joyful right now, though. The first holiday season is always very difficult.  He (and his family) needs to be hit with a clue by four... a few times.

decembergrl2014

I agree he and his family were really insensitive to you, and they all, especially your DH owe you apologies.

ShesSoCold

Wow. I'm really sorry he said that and acted like that. My mom passed in September and I would be IRATE if my H did this. Like, not talking to you, sleep on the couch style irate. Then, depending on when and how he apologized, I'd try to not lose my shit when talking about it.

bethsmiles

Your husband is being a jerk. Maybe had he or his family been more attentive to your needs yesterday you wouldn't have been as distant all day. I can't believe no one thought to ask how you were doing or just give you a hug. 

It doesn't matter if your mom wasn't a daily presence in your life or if her death was expected, it is still a very difficult loss. To expect you to just be over it in a few months and to not be upset as you go through your first set of holidays without her. 

I really hope your husband realizes what an insensitive ass he is being and apologizes.

Sugargirl1019

He should be extra loving, hugging you and talking to you, and explaining to family beforehand that the holidays will be very difficult on you and he's thankful that they have welcomed you to have some company during this season. He should be your greatest ally, not an enemy. Maybe if you sit down and talk with him and explain what you would like him to do in order to help you get through the holidays without upsetting each other - would be helpful to your situation. You are not in the wrong as long as you weren't rude. And it doesn't sound like it. He was in the wrong, and he should help you through this valley.

themuffinman16

I literally gasped when I read this.  I am so sorry OP.  Your husband was being very selfish.  It takes a long time to get over the loss of a parent or sibling.  And nothing makes that harder than the holidays.  You may seem to be doing better, until the holidays come around, and then it feels like your grief has come back even stronger. I hope your husband sees how much you are hurting, and chooses to support you, instead of finding fault in your grief.  Sending you the warmest of hugs, right now. 

huskypuppy14

CA.Giraffe said:

My mom passed away in June. Yesterday was the first time I didn't have her Thanksgiving dinner. I was pretty inconsolable Wednesday, but yesterday we were headed to DH's family gathering, so I tried to keep it together - even made a couple dishes for them. I just wasn't feeling it, though, and pretty much sat by myself the entire time. I'm not really close to his family, so this isn't too different from what I do during any holiday gathering with them. I was polite to anyone I encountered, but I didn't seek out conversation. I didn't really eat anything - just wasn't hungry.

When we got home, DH was clearly upset and didn't talk to me the rest of the evening, even when I asked what was wrong. The silent treatment continued this morning, until he finally blew up at how my poor attitude had RUINED his Thanksgiving, that it might be his uncle's last Thanksgiving (benign growth in his lung), that I couldn't just suck it up for him, that now he can't get this Thanksgiving back and it was awful because I decided to be a bitch. That he shouldn't have to spend any part of his holiday explaining that no, we're not fighting, that I'm just upset over my mom, and that happened months ago. Then he asked me if I planned on acting like this at Christmas, too.

I told him I was sorry I didn't live up to his fucking family's expectations, and that if these people cared about me, they would have known my mom passed away and that the holiday might just be a little tough. (We live close to his relatives and have seen them several times since June. He speaks to some of them at least weekly.) I'm hurt he isn't more understanding, and that he couldn't consider my feelings to be at least as important as his family's.

 This is completely unacceptable and I am livid for you. This sounds like something my ex boyfriend told me as he was breaking up with me. Your husband is being a selfish asshole, and a loving husband should never talk this way to his wife.

redheadbride15

I agree with all the PPs. You should not have to apologize for being sad - holidays are a really, really hard time when you've lost someone, even many years after the fact. My fiancee lost his father and grandmother both now 6 years ago and I can still see the pain in his eyes at a holiday gathering without them.

You mentioned that DH has not lost anyone close to him, which is a really important point. Yes, he's being insensitive and a jerk and you have a right to be angry with him. However, if he's otherwise a good guy then he may simply not really understand. Guys are clueless, especially about emotional things, and sometimes they just need a little guidance. I'd let the waters cool a bit and then sit him down and tell him honestly how you feel and why this holiday sucks for you, and that you'd really appreciate his patience with you while you grieve. He may surprise you with an apology.

Good luck! And I'm sorry for your loss.

Jen4948

You don't owe apologies, he and his family owe them to you for their insensitivity and hostility to you. If he can't empathize with you when you need it the most, he may have to undergo a major loss of his own before he can appreciate someone else's feelings on a major occasion when it's the first time their loved one wasn't there. Hopefully it won't get that far before he gets how he and his family treated you.

bethsmiles

redheadbride15 said:

I agree with all the PPs. You should not have to apologize for being sad - holidays are a really, really hard time when you've lost someone, even many years after the fact. My fiancee lost his father and grandmother both now 6 years ago and I can still see the pain in his eyes at a holiday gathering without them.

You mentioned that DH has not lost anyone close to him, which is a really important point. Yes, he's being insensitive and a jerk and you have a right to be angry with him. However, if he's otherwise a good guy then he may simply not really understand. Guys are clueless, especially about emotional things, and sometimes they just need a little guidance. I'd let the waters cool a bit and then sit him down and tell him honestly how you feel and why this holiday sucks for you, and that you'd really appreciate his patience with you while you grieve. He may surprise you with an apology.

Good luck! And I'm sorry for your loss.

The bolded is absolute bullshit. I've never lost anyone close to me. I still know that losing someone is hard for people, especially around the holidays, and am capable of having some sympathy and not being an asshole. And saying that men don't understand emotions? That is utterly ridiculous,and quite frankly sexist. Women don't have a monopoly on emotions and being understanding of other's feelings. 

wandajune6

It sounds like your DH is being a clueless ass. It sounds like you were trying to keep yourself together. Would it have been somehow more acceptable to him if you cried through the entire night? If you put food on your plate to play with?

If DH pulled that kind of bullshit, we'd have a fight that would leave him terrified. He owes you a major apology, us a lot of groveling.

wrigleyville

This is such bullshit. I'm so angry for you right now.

H's mother passed away in April, and we haven't been back to visit since (his family lives across the country). The second we walked in the house Wednesday night, I asked H if he was doing okay, not seeing his mom first thing. He said he was fine and had been prepared for it, so I gave him a quick hug and let it be.

Some friends of the family had us over for Thanksgiving, and *everyone* asked H, his siblings, and my FIL how they were doing, as this was the first big holiday without MIL, but they didn't dwell on it and make it a super grief fest either. I thought it was so sweet of them.

I cannot believe your H expects you to be "over it" by now, and I'm doubly pissed that he was a huge hypocrite about being upset about this being his uncle's last Thanksgiving while shaming you for being upset about your first Thanksgiving without your mom. That doesn't even make sense to me. What an asshole.

climbingsingle

bethsmiles said:

redheadbride15 said:

I agree with all the PPs. You should not have to apologize for being sad - holidays are a really, really hard time when you've lost someone, even many years after the fact. My fiancee lost his father and grandmother both now 6 years ago and I can still see the pain in his eyes at a holiday gathering without them.

You mentioned that DH has not lost anyone close to him, which is a really important point. Yes, he's being insensitive and a jerk and you have a right to be angry with him. However, if he's otherwise a good guy then he may simply not really understand. Guys are clueless, especially about emotional things, and sometimes they just need a little guidance. I'd let the waters cool a bit and then sit him down and tell him honestly how you feel and why this holiday sucks for you, and that you'd really appreciate his patience with you while you grieve. He may surprise you with an apology.

Good luck! And I'm sorry for your loss.

The bolded is absolute bullshit. I've never lost anyone close to me. I still know that losing someone is hard for people, especially around the holidays, and am capable of having some sympathy and not being an asshole. And saying that men don't understand emotions? That is utterly ridiculous,and quite frankly sexist. Women don't have a monopoly on emotions and being understanding of other's feelings. 

---------------------------------------------
Seriously. Can we not with the ridiculous gender stereotypes?! My husband is far from clueless when it comes to emotions, especially mine.

[Deleted User]

flyingfoxes

I'm sorry he's acting this way towards you - you have every right to still be sad about losing your mom.  His whole family should have been asking YOU how you were feeling and not going through him, especially since they know about your recent loss.  

huskypuppy14

redheadbride15 said:

I agree with all the PPs. You should not have to apologize for being sad - holidays are a really, really hard time when you've lost someone, even many years after the fact. My fiancee lost his father and grandmother both now 6 years ago and I can still see the pain in his eyes at a holiday gathering without them.

You mentioned that DH has not lost anyone close to him, which is a really important point. Yes, he's being insensitive and a jerk and you have a right to be angry with him. However, if he's otherwise a good guy then he may simply not really understand. Guys are clueless, especially about emotional things, and sometimes they just need a little guidance. I'd let the waters cool a bit and then sit him down and tell him honestly how you feel and why this holiday sucks for you, and that you'd really appreciate his patience with you while you grieve. He may surprise you with an apology.

Good luck! And I'm sorry for your loss.

Like other posters stated before me, stop with the gender stereotypes!  Some people are more clueless than others about emotional issues, and it has nothing to do with whether they're male or female.

My husband is actually much more sensitive than I am, and would never act like that. 

theycallmelinz

@CA.Giraffe‌ have you and H talked about this/do you plan on talking about this with him? I was hoping he had apologized by now for the things he said

CA.Giraffe

I haven't spoken to DH yet. I'm far too upset still - I feel like he of all people should have known how hard the holiday was for me. I had cried the whole night prior, and the morning of. Actually, I saw one of DH's cousins this morning, and she asked if I "was in a better mood than Thanksgiving". I KNOW she knows my mom passed away. Maybe his inconsideration and boorishness are hereditary.

To make matters worse, my dad is in extremely poor health and likely doesn't have much longer with us. After Thanksgiving, I'm hesitant to count on support from DH for what is going to be a rough ride with my Dad (he has cancer and there are no treatment options left to pursue).

holyguacamole79

I'm so sorry. I'd be pissed, too.

penguin44

I'm so sorry about your mom and your dad. You should be able to count on your H for support. I think you really need to talk to him about how you feel since obviously he doesn't understand. I can't believe he didn't realize after you had been crying the night before. 

climbingsingle

I gotta say, my heart is breaking for you. You should be able to count on your husband for emotional support, especially at a time like this. Losing a parent, regardless of the situation, is a devastating thing.
Do you think your H would be open to seeing a counselor?

bethsmiles

*hugs* I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your mother and your father's diagnosis. As PPs have already stated, your H should be the one person you know you can count on for support and understanding. I hope when you talk to him he realizes how horrible he has been.