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So Pissed at DH.

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Re: So Pissed at DH.

  • The first year is the hardest, and the first holidays are the worst. I think you were brave for even going. You are well within your rights to say, sorry, not this year, I just couldn't enjoy it.

    Your fiancé and his cousin are completely out of line. How fortunate for them that they have no concept  of grief, but it doesn't excuse the behavior. They need to grow the eff up. 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited November 2014
    It really bothers me that he is upset because it could be his uncle's last Thanksgiving but doesn't see why you should be upset about your first Thanksgiving without your mom, that HE can't get this Thanksgiving back and HIS holiday was ruined, but apparently YOUR Thanksgiving wasn't ruined/unhappy as a result of the loss of your mother. It's hypocritical and so unbelievably insensitive. My husband is really pissed off for you and doesn't understand how he could treat his wife like this. I hope he comes to his senses and apologizes and learns from this not to act like this in the future.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Your fiancé and his cousin are completely out of line. How fortunate for them that they have no concept  of grief, but it doesn't excuse the behavior. They need to grow the eff up. 
    If these people have no real concept of true grief, then they are all going to be completely blindsided by the emotions that come to the surface when someone close to them does eventually pass. Possibly to the point of being pathological. They will have no clue how to process their emotions.

    For Christmas, let him see his family by himself. YOU spend your holiday with people you love and who get where you're coming from. If your dad is sick, you need to be with him.  Even if he apologizes, his family's insensitivity would put me off of spending time with them for a good long time.
  • What's really funny is that DH's ex pulled the "last holiday with my parent" card during their entire marriage - and her dad passed last year, 7 years after their divorce. Any number of holidays could have been my mom's last - but I NEVER mentioned that to DH, and my family was happy to celebrate whenever we could get together. So it's not even as if he or his family was ever inconvenienced in their holiday plans due to my mom.

    Based upon his actions on Thanksgiving and some prior comments he's made, I think DH believes my mom wasn't significant in my life because she hasn't been physically present in my life for as long as I've known DH. That couldn't be further from how I feel - it took a lot more effort to include my mom in my life because of her limitations, and has really made for a larger void in my life. Also, I don't have anybody to grieve with - my mom and dad's life together was complicated, and my brother refuses to talk about my mom at all. Nobody else that I speak with ever met my mom - so I feel pretty isolated as it is, even without DH being an asshole.
  • I just can't fathom trying to decide for someone else how much grief they should feel when they lose a parent (or anyone they love). Your husband needs a serious attitude adjustment. He needs to get his head out of his ass and learn to think of others, especially his wife who just lost her mother. I honestly just cannot understand someone being so cruel to someone they love.


  • I'm so sorry for your loss. Your husband is being acting like an ass. Seriously I would have probably smacked him.
  • What's really funny is that DH's ex pulled the "last holiday with my parent" card during their entire marriage - and her dad passed last year, 7 years after their divorce. Any number of holidays could have been my mom's last - but I NEVER mentioned that to DH, and my family was happy to celebrate whenever we could get together. So it's not even as if he or his family was ever inconvenienced in their holiday plans due to my mom. Based upon his actions on Thanksgiving and some prior comments he's made, I think DH believes my mom wasn't significant in my life because she hasn't been physically present in my life for as long as I've known DH. That couldn't be further from how I feel - it took a lot more effort to include my mom in my life because of her limitations, and has really made for a larger void in my life. Also, I don't have anybody to grieve with - my mom and dad's life together was complicated, and my brother refuses to talk about my mom at all. Nobody else that I speak with ever met my mom - so I feel pretty isolated as it is, even without DH being an asshole.

    **sorry I don't know why my formatting is getting messed up here**
    First, I am so sorry that you're going through this. As to the bolded, this really bothers me. Who cares if she wasn't "physically" present? Its not like you had some massive blow out fight with her, and then cut her off altogether.  Your husband is acting like an insensitive asshole right now. Its really hard to lose a loved one, and its even worse when someone who is supposed to support you treats you poorly in your time of need. My other concern is that you feel isolated and feel like you cannot grieve. Your husband should be the one to turn to in this time of sadness, and he should've been understanding. Right now, he is unable to provide you with the support you need, and is not understanding your grief process. If I were you,  I might look into grief and loss support groups in your area. Maybe the group will provide you with support while your husband reflects on his actions, and hopefully apologizes/gets his act together. 

    Again I am so sorry, I hope that he comes to his senses and apologizes to you as soon as possible. 
  • Wow. I'm sure for the most part your H is lovely, but he's acting like a real asshole. 

    I'm so sorry for your loss, and to hear about your dad. My dad is likely not to be around for many more years, and I treasure each occassion he's still here. The fact that he's not super involved in my life means zip. I will grieve just as much when he's gone as if it were a surprise. 

    You are still mourning your loss, and that is entirely fair. Your H and his family? They're behaving badly. They should be supporting you, and helping you however you need. 

    You guys truly need to talk about this. I read this hoping to see an update of "My H realised he's being an ass, and apologized profusely". Because that's the right reaction.
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