Charity donation in lieu of favors...

Ladeda123

Honestly @leelee1015 you should know by know these "ladies" know how to run theknot.Com. who cares what you choose to ask about.. guess what? EFF you all for being so mean about a simple question.

Almie425

wrigleyville said:

leelee1015 said:

Wow, I literally do not know where to begin.  I guess I should thank you "regular posters" (as you call yourself) since reading your narrow minded posts made me want to puke over and over again #bestweddingdietever.

Now let me attempt a constructive response (something I haven't seen much of).  My brother and his wife had a friend that passed prior to the wedding.  In lieu of favors (hold on to your hats, ladies, I'm about to blow your mind) they donated to the charity that had been created in her memory.  On the dessert table there was a small framed sign explaining what they had done.  Now mind you, I didn't do an exit interview with all of the guests but I am pretty sure people were moved by the donation.  Furthermore I can assure you that the WIDOWER who was present at the wedding was deeply touched by what they had done. 

That's just my two cents.  Anyway I'm sure you all will have a lot to say as it seems like you have perhaps too much free time on your hands.  Perhaps you should look into using that time for something more productive...I don't know...like community service.  I work in a Children's Hospital and we are always looking for volunteers (*shines tiara).

Oh, give me a break. Many of us do community service, and many of us have lost loved ones. You're being judgmental simply because you didn't get the, "Oh, what a GREAT idea! You're such an amazing person to think of that!" answers you wanted.

I'm sure the tribute to the deceased was lovely and appreciated, but you will also see people on these boards who think drawing attention to a recent death at a wedding is morbid and awkward at times. Personally, I would think it touching, but why broadcast it if only for the sole purpose of, "Look at how awesome we are!!!" Why couldn't the couple simply tell the widower, "We made a donation in honor of X," separate from a huge crowd of people? Probably because they were going for the wow factor; otherwise, I can't think of any other reason to broadcast it.

I worked a suicide hotline for years. YEARS. I didn't put a single thing regarding that into our wedding programs, favors, etc. We donate to several charities, but we do so without making a big deal of it. When you put up a sign, that's making a big deal of it, which can rub people the wrong way.

I'm sorry the thread didn't go your way, but that's what happens when you open yourself up to a bunch of strangers' opinions.

This was not the OP

artbyallie

Ladeda123 said: Honestly @leelee1015 you should know by know these "ladies" know how to run theknot.Com. who cares what you choose to ask about.. guess what? EFF you all for being so mean about a simple question.



It's not mean to explain that what someone wants to do is inappropriate. It's certainly not mean to tell her she can still make the donation. She just can't advertise it. You miss the whole point of charitable donations if you think it's okay to go around telling everyone you've made one.

Also, be careful. It is against TOS to directly insult people on the boards. It's not like we don't know what 'eff' means in this context.

Knottie1426944671

So telling people to "eff" themselves is a direct TOS violation but calling someone a "a self-centered, snotty brat." is not?  Do the TOS work for everyone or only those selfless enough not to give to charity???

holyguacamole79

leelee1015 said:

So telling people to "eff" themselves is a direct TOS violation but calling someone a "a self-centered, snotty brat." is not?  Do the TOS work for everyone or only those selfless enough not to give to charity???

Vic said you SOUNDED like a brat. Big difference. You flat out said eff you.

mrscomposer

leelee1015 said:

So telling people to "eff" themselves is a direct TOS violation but calling someone a "a self-centered, snotty brat." is not?  Do the TOS work for everyone or only those selfless enough not to give to charity???

leelee1015 said:

Wow, I literally do not know where to begin.  I guess I should thank you "regular posters" (as you call yourself) since reading your narrow minded posts made me want to puke over and over again #bestweddingdietever.

There's a difference between saying "you sound like a self-centered, snotty brat" and saying "'eff' you all".  Also, you need to get off your high horse.  How on earth did you make the leap in logic that no one here gives to charity?

One of our groomsmen lost his wife to suicide a month and a half before our wedding (the night of our wedding shower, actually).  We made contributions to the Canadian Mental Health Association on her behalf.  We didn't tell anyone.  It's no one's business but our own. 

If we had then put a sign at our wedding stating that instead of thanking people for coming to our wedding by giving them a little gift, we chose to give that money to something that not everyone chooses to support, because of an event that not everyone knows about, for someone that not everyone knew... well, we'd be drawing attention to something that a lot of people are trying to work through and get over - INCLUDING the widower.  And trying to draw attention to the fact that we think we're so awesome and HEY EVERYONE!  PAY ATTENTION TO HOW AWESOME AND SELFLESS WE ARE!! would minimize it, frankly.

No one was mean to the OP.  No one started giving her harsher responses until she started getting a little snotty (which she was to begin with, anyway).  No one is saying she can't give to a charity in lieu of favours - that's actually the opposite of what we're saying.  What PPs ARE saying is that it's unnecessary and actually quite gauche to draw attention to it.  Just do it.  Don't advertise.  Or, if you MUST advertise, don't say that it's instead of favours.  I think it was @daria24 who suggested 'in honour of their wedding day, Bob and Mary have donated to X'. 

Sounds wonderful!  Start your marriage thinking of others!  My husband had to get a new job after the wedding - we're donating his first entire paycheque to a charity.  The only people we've told is family, and only because we're so excited and thankful to be in a position that we can do it. 

Oh - and as for the second thing I quoted (your first post):  #bestweddingdietever ?  Seriously?  Making light of eating disorders is NOT a good way to endear yourself.

ETA: I'm not convinced that the OP and her supporter aren't the same person.

[Deleted User]

[Deleted User]

Ladeda123

Thanks for the advice. I have my suggestions so we can consider this post closed. Thanks

Jen4948

Ladeda123 said:

Thanks for the advice. I have my suggestions so we can consider this post closed. Thanks

I think it's up to the forum moderators, of whom you are not one, to decide if this post can be considered closed.

jacques27

I used to work for a non-profit charitable organization.  Just to clear up any misconceptions - charities are still allowed to use the money you give them, even if you don't brag about it.  It's not like that bank holds the check to make sure that a sufficient number of people are aware of how magnanimous you are before they'll let the funds go through to the charity.

wrigleyville

Almie425 said:

wrigleyville said:

leelee1015 said:

Wow, I literally do not know where to begin.  I guess I should thank you "regular posters" (as you call yourself) since reading your narrow minded posts made me want to puke over and over again #bestweddingdietever.

Now let me attempt a constructive response (something I haven't seen much of).  My brother and his wife had a friend that passed prior to the wedding.  In lieu of favors (hold on to your hats, ladies, I'm about to blow your mind) they donated to the charity that had been created in her memory.  On the dessert table there was a small framed sign explaining what they had done.  Now mind you, I didn't do an exit interview with all of the guests but I am pretty sure people were moved by the donation.  Furthermore I can assure you that the WIDOWER who was present at the wedding was deeply touched by what they had done. 

That's just my two cents.  Anyway I'm sure you all will have a lot to say as it seems like you have perhaps too much free time on your hands.  Perhaps you should look into using that time for something more productive...I don't know...like community service.  I work in a Children's Hospital and we are always looking for volunteers (*shines tiara).

Oh, give me a break. Many of us do community service, and many of us have lost loved ones. You're being judgmental simply because you didn't get the, "Oh, what a GREAT idea! You're such an amazing person to think of that!" answers you wanted.

I'm sure the tribute to the deceased was lovely and appreciated, but you will also see people on these boards who think drawing attention to a recent death at a wedding is morbid and awkward at times. Personally, I would think it touching, but why broadcast it if only for the sole purpose of, "Look at how awesome we are!!!" Why couldn't the couple simply tell the widower, "We made a donation in honor of X," separate from a huge crowd of people? Probably because they were going for the wow factor; otherwise, I can't think of any other reason to broadcast it.

I worked a suicide hotline for years. YEARS. I didn't put a single thing regarding that into our wedding programs, favors, etc. We donate to several charities, but we do so without making a big deal of it. When you put up a sign, that's making a big deal of it, which can rub people the wrong way.

I'm sorry the thread didn't go your way, but that's what happens when you open yourself up to a bunch of strangers' opinions.

This was not the OP

Good catch. Thanks.

wrigleyville

Ladeda123 said:

Thanks for the advice. I have my suggestions so we can consider this post closed. Thanks

I am not closing this thread. I'm leaving it active so lurkers can see just how bad this idea is. This isn't the first time we've explained why this is a bad decision, as you acknowledged when you said you knew the topic is controversial. You decided to open the can of worms; it's staying open.

If nobody posts, then the thread will eventually "drop off" to the second, third, etc. pages. It will not, however, be closed.

AddieCake

leelee1015 said:

So telling people to "eff" themselves is a direct TOS violation but calling someone a "a self-centered, snotty brat." is not?  Do the TOS work for everyone or only those selfless enough not to give to charity???

I think you mean selfish, as selfLESS would be a good thing, thus making your comment make no sense. Additionally, you look like a fool assuming that just because people here think the donation favor idea is in poor taste equates to meaning they flat out don't give to charities. Welcome to TK. I don't like you.

fwtx5815

OP, you said in another thread that you were having your WP kids carry 3 different signs down the aisle in your processional and needed ideas of what the signs should say.

Maybe this is where you could advertise your generosity - then you'd be sure everyone would definitely see it! WIN-WIN!

Instead of signs, they could carry those obnoxious, over-sized checks.

(I've just solved two of your problems. You're welcome)

redoryx

leelee1015 said:

Wow, I literally do not know where to begin.  I guess I should thank you "regular posters" (as you call yourself) since reading your narrow minded posts made me want to puke over and over again #bestweddingdietever.

Now let me attempt a constructive response (something I haven't seen much of).  My brother and his wife had a friend that passed prior to the wedding.  In lieu of favors (hold on to your hats, ladies, I'm about to blow your mind) they donated to the charity that had been created in her memory.  On the dessert table there was a small framed sign explaining what they had done.  Now mind you, I didn't do an exit interview with all of the guests but I am pretty sure people were moved by the donation.  Furthermore I can assure you that the WIDOWER who was present at the wedding was deeply touched by what they had done. 

That's just my two cents.  Anyway I'm sure you all will have a lot to say as it seems like you have perhaps too much free time on your hands.  Perhaps you should look into using that time for something more productive...I don't know...like community service.  I work in a Children's Hospital and we are always looking for volunteers (*shines tiara).

What to know what I do with my free time? Donate my time and money to various organizations.

What to know what I *don't* do with my free time? Brag about how self important I am because of that and assume that just because nobody else talks about their community service that means they don't do it. I'm also curious -- you say you work in a children's hospital. Does that mean you volunteer (the verb I would have chosen) or are you paid to be there?

Maggie0829

LondonLisa

If you have to announce that you are donating to a charity, then it stops being about you and starts being about external validation.

How would you feel if I invited you over for dinner, wore a £8,000 dress and just as we are about to sit down I announce "In lieu of food, I donated to the red cross". 

You would think 'Well, that's great, the red cross is a good organisation, but I'm fairly hungry. Why do these need to be mutually exclusive? I mean, couldn't you have worn a £1,000 dress and served us pasta, and then donated the remaining £7,000 privately?"

If you are truly charitable as you would like to make out to be- cancel your wedding. Get married at a courthouse. Use the money you were going to spend on your wedding budget to host a fundraiser for this organisation. 

Why do you need to scream it from the hills that you are charitable?

Maggie0829

I would like to know how donating to charity as a wedding favor became a thing?  I just don't see how donating to charity and weddings got intertwined.  Like how does that happen?  And if you are a couple that typically donates do you let everyone know on a regular basis that you donated?  If not, why do you feel the need to announce it at your wedding?

fwtx5815

This is just really disconcerting for so many reasons.

If you had a destination wedding and a friend mailed back the RSVP with a decline & made it a point to tell you that they thought their money would be better spent by taking a mission trip to Africa, I HIGHLY doubt your reaction would be one of gratitude. You'd be wondering why they thought it was necessary to mention it at all, because it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR WEDDING.

Read up on some of the threads where brides are asking how big of a deal it is to not have favors. They should never be expected and the overwhelming majority of people will tell you they're not necessary.
SO, now that you have this information, WHY do you still think it's important to show off having donated money?

plainjane0415

All is lost on this post.  Seems like OP is bossy, and demanding, just going by her several posts of "don't respond with" "don't do this".  People like that usually also want recognition for everything they do, so our thoughts, and comments aren't going to go anywhere.  Unless, we say something like, "what a great idea you have" "or that's such a unique idea" "or great way of alienating your guests" oops... the 3rd one was my personal opinion... but anyway... you all get the drift.  No matter how many times we tell her it's inappropriate, she's still not going to get it.

slothiegal

GUYS THIS THREAD IS CLOSED STOP POSTING.  GUYSSSSSSSSSS STOP IT.

ohannabelle

In lieu of commenting, I'm donating a picture of a horse in a purple onesie.

This is relevant.

Viczaesar

ohannabelle said:

In lieu of commenting, I'm donating a picture of a horse in a purple onesie.

This is relevant.

Horse onesies are always relevant.  I'd like to debate the relevance of the purpleness of the onesie, however.

climbingsingle

I went to a wedding once where they presented each person with a cookie that had a tag that said, "A donation has been made in your honor to the local ASPCA." 

Now, I'm a HUGE animal lover. I have a rescue dog. I volunteer at our local shelter. And this still rubbed me the wrong way. If comes off as very braggadocios. "Hey, look at me! I donated to a cause! I'm a GREAT PERSON!" 

The ladies on this forum are trying to stop you from looking like an attention whore. They're trying to give you good advice (you just don't want to take it). Most people in your life are going to blow smoke up your ass. You're getting real, true, honest opinions. If you can handle that, then this place is not for you. 

I actually spend a great deal of my time donating to causes and volunteering my time. Shit, I've spent many Thanksgivings delivering meals (in my own car) to seniors and the disabled. I do it quietly. I don't brag to my friends. That's not what charity is about. 

Jen4948

Maggie0829 said:

I would like to know how donating to charity as a wedding favor became a thing?  I just don't see how donating to charity and weddings got intertwined.  Like how does that happen?  And if you are a couple that typically donates do you let everyone know on a regular basis that you donated?  If not, why do you feel the need to announce it at your wedding?

I don't know how much if anything this has to do with it, but sometimes houses of worship announce that someone made a donation in honor of so-and-so's wedding or other special occasion. Also, there is the "in lieu of flowers, donations may be made to X" custom at funerals. And some people get so "involved" with certain causes because of things going on in their own lives that they're anxious to spread the word about them. Finally, there's the fact that people often marry later in their lives now than in prior years, when they have lived on their own and acquired household goods, so they think they "don't need" gifts, and the pressure to register for wedding gifts even when they don't want them.

So I think all this combined into desires to make donations instead of receiving gifts or providing favors that are unwanted by the recipients, along with egotism and not knowing that the more one feels the need to push charities, the less altruistic they appear, especially in an "in lieu of" situation which etiquette allows at funerals because the deceased person isn't making the request. And once one person in a group started doing it, the next person did it and it became a "thing" through a chain reaction.

cbus13

I agree with everyone that the "in lieu of" is a little self-serving especially since favors aren't required for a reception, but I do feel bad for the OP because reading through these posts it seemed other users are just name-calling and shaming the OP for even having this idea. I must not read these boards often enough, but it seems like it is tip-toeing towards being malicious... especially the person who references another post of the OP in order to shame her more. 

Just seemed like this thread took an ugly turn...

[Deleted User]

Maggie0829

pinkrevenge said:

HReis13 said:

I agree with everyone that the "in lieu of" is a little self-serving especially since favors aren't required for a reception, but I do feel bad for the OP because reading through these posts it seemed other users are just name-calling and shaming the OP for even having this idea. I must not read these boards often enough, but it seems like it is tip-toeing towards being malicious... especially the person who references another post of the OP in order to shame her more. 

Just seemed like this thread took an ugly turn...

Are you kidding? This place is so mild and lined with eggshells it's mind-boggling. Here you can get a warning if you insult a general presence and someone thinks it applies to them, you don't even have to target someone. You have to be sure you say someone is ACTING in a bad way because saying they are that way will get you banned, and even the "acting" loophole has some severe limits.

Seriously people, do you guys just never ever venture to more open forums?

Agree!  It is a forum in which you discuss things with strangers (for the most part) over the internet. If you get butt hurt or don't like what is said to you or just in general there is this amazing thing called the "red x button" on the top right of your screen.  Simply press that and voila!

cbus13

Sorry, no I do not go on open forums. I only come here for wedding advice. I just understand that wedding planning is stressful, so I am empathetic if someone seeking wedding advice is then criticized for posing the question. Just felt like she could have been given advice without the thread traveling down the road of name-calling. 

Like I said, I definitely get the strong reactions here, but maybe I am too much of a softy and feel bad... this is probably why I do not go on open forums.