If your cousin and her FI split and you spend more time being angry over a venue than being supportive of your cousin who would likely be devastated and embarrassed, you need to check your priorities.
Also, FWIW, if I received a STD for my cousin who has unfortunately lived through some very similar difficulties and then I received a second STD from a clearly very entitled family member, not only would I choose my cousin's wedding, but I would think the sender of the second STD was BSC. Who does that? Really, who does that?
I should note that I would have to wait until 7 months later to get a date at this venue that works for my parents. Also, I am an older bride that wants kids so that puts us 7 months later at TTC.
Why do you need to be married to TTC? There are several things that you need to have biologically in order to have a child, and a marriage certificate and a wedding band aren't among those things.
What is more important to you- having a child, or getting married at this dream spot?
Regardless, pick another date.
I'm glad you said this, PGL, because I was going to. Really, OP? If you're that concerned about TTC, and you want to be married to TTC, you'd still put the venue choice first?
Sometimes people on here put up "It's either _____ or _____" and I think, "Why on earth would those be the only two options?" and then realize that they're clinging to something. Like a dream venue. Or God help us, that girl who insisted on getting married on their dating anniversary, "didn't matter which year."
My first choice and cheapest venue option was booked by the time we decided on it. A second gorgeous place got pulled out from under us when the symphony director decided he wanted the option of setting up a more lucrative event. The third choice was still awesome, and we're married, at a time when it is good for us to be married. You'll be fine, and your wedding will be awesome.
edit for clarity in first paragraph
I'm just curious, what's wrong on getting married on your anniversary date? Unless there is super crazy and just odd wedding planning going on lol
Nothing at all is wrong with it, per se, but it's a very minor consideration. This girl was upset that her church wouldn't let her get married sooner than 6 months out (they wanted to move in together with parental approval and so the wedding needed to be soon because SEX) but was willing to wait to have a PPD on the next time their dating anniversary date came around.
Basically, I judge you if a thing that's more important to you than honesty with your guests or your professed religion.
OP, is 7 months that big of a deal? I mean, I know it sounds like a long time, but it really isn't. Choose the date a little further out, get your dream venue and avoid further aggravation. It'll also give you 7 months of extra saving for extras for your wedding or honeymoon. You can concentrate on those things instead of whether or not your cousin is or is not actually going to make it to the alter. Whether she does or doesn't will no longer be your problem and you'll not end up looking like a dick for purposely picking the same date as your cousin. She beat ya to it, fair and square. Sure, you could cause hard feelings among your extended family, but why? It's seven measly months. My husband and I were together nine years before we finally made it down the aisle, seven months is nothing.
I'm older and didn't want to wait too long to get married so I get not wanting to wait 7 months. And I get not wanting to TTC before getting married as I was the same way. Let go of the dream venue and find somewhere else where you can get married on another day without waiting 7 months to do it. Its only a venue...let it go.
Pick another date. She sent out her STD and announced her wedding it would be pretty shitty of you to select her date after knowing she picked it even if you think her engagement will fall through. Be the bigger person I'm sure your dream venue has other dates open push up or back your wedding a few weeks and forget about the date conflict.
I'm older and didn't want to wait too long to get married so I get not wanting to wait 7 months. And I get not wanting to TTC before getting married as I was the same way. Let go of the dream venue and find somewhere else where you can get married on another day without waiting 7 months to do it. Its only a venue...let it go.
Oh dear. I understand all of your comments about empathy and compassion, but just know there is so much more to the story and things that you do not know about her life that I don't feel the need to get into, but just know that I do have both empathy and compassion for my cousin, even if my comments made it seem like I didn't.
I do appreciate the comments about how shitty it would be to plan a wedding after she sent out STD even if she did cancel/postpone the wedding. As expected, I had a conversation with my mom in which she told me that I shouldn't let that hold me back from going with the date. (My mom has no patience for the family drama). I pointed out that I posed the question to the message board and heard an overwhelming response that we should pick another date and venue. so now we are moving forward with other dates and other venues.
Oh dear. I understand all of your comments about empathy and compassion, but just know there is so much more to the story and things that you do not know about her life that I don't feel the need to get into, but just know that I do have both empathy and compassion for my cousin, even if my comments made it seem like I didn't.
I do appreciate the comments about how shitty it would be to plan a wedding after she sent out STD even if she did cancel/postpone the wedding. As expected, I had a conversation with my mom in which she told me that I shouldn't let that hold me back from going with the date. (My mom has no patience for the family drama). I pointed out that I posed the question to the message board and heard an overwhelming response that we should pick another date and venue. so now we are moving forward with other dates and other venues.
Oh dear. I understand all of your comments about empathy and compassion, but just know there is so much more to the story and things that you do not know about her life that I don't feel the need to get into, but just know that I do have both empathy and compassion for my cousin, even if my comments made it seem like I didn't.
I do appreciate the comments about how shitty it would be to plan a wedding after she sent out STD even if she did cancel/postpone the wedding. As expected, I had a conversation with my mom in which she told me that I shouldn't let that hold me back from going with the date. (My mom has no patience for the family drama). I pointed out that I posed the question to the message board and heard an overwhelming response that we should pick another date and venue. so now we are moving forward with other dates and other venues.
DAMNIT I'M STUCK IN THE BOX.
It still sounds as though you don't get it. "just know there is so much more to the story and things that you do not know about her life" Just know, that those things DO NOT MATTER in this case.
But good on you for choosing another venue and another date. You're doing the right thing.
Oh dear. I understand all of your comments about empathy and compassion, but just know there is so much more to the story and things that you do not know about her life that I don't feel the need to get into, but just know that I do have both empathy and compassion for my cousin, even if my comments made it seem like I didn't.
I do appreciate the comments about how shitty it would be to plan a wedding after she sent out STD even if she did cancel/postpone the wedding. As expected, I had a conversation with my mom in which she told me that I shouldn't let that hold me back from going with the date. (My mom has no patience for the family drama). I pointed out that I posed the question to the message board and heard an overwhelming response that we should pick another date and venue. so now we are moving forward with other dates and other venues.
I'm glad you're moving forward.
But dude, seriously, you need to check yourself. You presented the story. We responded. You keep coming back with, "yeah, BUT [insert new excuse/story here]".
The fact is, your cousin seems like she's found herself in some bad situations. Abuse is no joke. And it absolutely trumps any martyering over "MY SPECIAL DAY".
Oh dear. I understand all of your comments about empathy and compassion, but just know there is so much more to the story and things that you do not know about her life that I don't feel the need to get into, but just know that I do have both empathy and compassion for my cousin, even if my comments made it seem like I didn't.
I do appreciate the comments about how shitty it would be to plan a wedding after she sent out STD even if she did cancel/postpone the wedding. As expected, I had a conversation with my mom in which she told me that I shouldn't let that hold me back from going with the date. (My mom has no patience for the family drama). I pointed out that I posed the question to the message board and heard an overwhelming response that we should pick another date and venue. so now we are moving forward with other dates and other venues.
OP, that's great that you've chosen to pick another date.
But just to reiterate about the bolded- your cousin and her kids getting abused by multiple past partners is NOT "family drama." Seriously.
At risk of opening myself up again for criticism again. I'd like to revisit the question given a recent update. Vicki just posted on her facebook update that they moved the wedding ceremony up to this month and are making it "more intimate". She noted that she is still planning a reception and "Vow renewal" on the original date in September. Given that it is no longer an actual wedding ceremony set for this date, do I still need to avoid that weekend. We are actually looking at the day after her reception because we found a great deal in a place we like and it would be on a Sunday, so it wouldn't even be the same date- just the next day in a city about 4 hours away. Thoughts?
At risk of opening myself up again for criticism again. I'd like to revisit the question given a recent update. Vicki just posted on her facebook update that they moved the wedding ceremony up to this month and are making it "more intimate". She noted that she is still planning a reception and "Vow renewal" on the original date in September. Given that it is no longer an actual wedding ceremony set for this date, do I still need to avoid that weekend. We are actually looking at the day after her reception because we found a great deal in a place we like and it would be on a Sunday, so it wouldn't even be the same date- just the next day in a city about 4 hours away. Thoughts?
I thought the entire issue with the date was that it was the only day your omggggg dream venue!!!! was available? Now you've found "a great deal in a place you like?" So is this now NOT the dream venue and you've come up with a new excuse to steal her thunder?
ETA: your problem remains that you're STILL trying to make your family choose between one or the other, because many people are not going to be able to make two events in one weekend at all, let alone them being 4 hours away.
At risk of opening myself up again for criticism again. I'd like to revisit the question given a recent update. Vicki just posted on her facebook update that they moved the wedding ceremony up to this month and are making it "more intimate". She noted that she is still planning a reception and "Vow renewal" on the original date in September. Given that it is no longer an actual wedding ceremony set for this date, do I still need to avoid that weekend. We are actually looking at the day after her reception because we found a great deal in a place we like and it would be on a Sunday, so it wouldn't even be the same date- just the next day in a city about 4 hours away. Thoughts?
At risk of opening myself up again for criticism again. I'd like to revisit the question given a recent update. Vicki just posted on her facebook update that they moved the wedding ceremony up to this month and are making it "more intimate". She noted that she is still planning a reception and "Vow renewal" on the original date in September. Given that it is no longer an actual wedding ceremony set for this date, do I still need to avoid that weekend. We are actually looking at the day after her reception because we found a great deal in a place we like and it would be on a Sunday, so it wouldn't even be the same date- just the next day in a city about 4 hours away. Thoughts?
FFS, really? Really OP? Anyway you spin this, you picking a date the same weekend as your cousins wedding/vow renewal or whatever it is now after knowing the date is still going to make you look bad. You are going to make it so that your family will have to choose which event to go to thus making you look like you don't give a rats ass about your cousin.
I'm sorry but how fucking difficult is it to find a completely different weekend to have your wedding on?
Are you kidding? No way does she need to avoid that entire weekend.
A) As is so often said here you get ONE day, not a weekend or a month. Not only is this NOT the same day that the OP is considering, it's not the same weekend, month, or YEAR, as the ACTUAL wedding. B.) Sounds like this woman sent out STDs and is now essentially rescinding them with this moved up "intimate" ceremony and either only having a celebration of marriage party or more likely a PPD on this other date, which if you listen to people here will make the family pissed off at her rudeness even if she is at least being honest about getting married before and they may be very glad to have a very good excuse not to attend by having this other wedding to go to. C) Unless your event is starting on the very early side, i.e. before 1 pm, I don't think four hours is all that crazy. Even if people went to this other event on Sat. and spent the night there, they could still get up at a reasonable time and drive to another event 4 hours away Sunday morning and be in that location between 1 and 2 pm. Not ideal, of course but it could be done and that would almost certainly be a lot cheaper for guests than having to travel two separate weekends.
Look, OP, for practicality reasons (you don't want to risk family you want at your wedding not being able to attend because they don't want to travel 4 hours in between) and appearances, maybe you should still avoid the whole weekend but I don't think you're under any obligation to at all.
If I'm just answering this without taking into account anything OP has said about her cousin/the situation: I think since it's not a real wedding this changes a bit and you're technically okay.
However, knowing the context of the situation and the fact that you're still putting your families in a bad position, having the wedding on a Sunday 4 hours away making everyone travel, AND this isn't even the same "dream venue" that you were originally talking about that put you in this position (correct me if I'm wrong), I really think you should still steer clear from that weekend.
Are you kidding? No way does she need to avoid that entire weekend.
A) As is so often said here you get ONE day, not a weekend or a month. Not only is this NOT the same day that the OP is considering, it's not the same weekend, month, or YEAR, as the ACTUAL wedding. B.) Sounds like this woman sent out STDs and is now essentially rescinding them with this moved up "intimate" ceremony and either only having a celebration of marriage party or more likely a PPD on this other date, which if you listen to people here will make the family pissed off at her rudeness even if she is at least being honest about getting married before and they may be very glad to have a very good excuse not to attend by having this other wedding to go to. C) Unless your event is starting on the very early side, i.e. before 1 pm, I don't think four hours is all that crazy. Even if people went to this other event on Sat. and spent the night there, they could still get up at a reasonable time and drive to another event 4 hours away Sunday morning and be in that location between 1 and 2 pm. Not ideal, of course but it could be done and that would almost certainly be a lot cheaper for guests than having to travel two separate weekends.
Look, OP, for practicality reasons (you don't want to risk family you want at your wedding not being able to attend because they don't want to travel 4 hours in between) and appearances, maybe you should still avoid the whole weekend but I don't think you're under any obligation to at all.
But I think the context in her posts is important here. Her judgement of her cousin is why she was even contemplating having her wedding on the same damn day. Now it is "oh we will have it the next day but it is 4 hours away." I am sorry but to me and most likely to her family, she is picking that day out of spite. And typically when it comes to family you tend to be a bit more aware of other events that are going on so you don't pick a date where family will then have to choose one or the other event.
To me, I don't care if a family member is planning a graduation party, a vow renewal, a big sweet 16 birthday blow out, an anniversary party or whatever else you can think of, planning something the next day in a town 4 hours away where the majority of those family members will be invited to both things is kind of crappy, especially when you are aware of the party ahead of time.
Are you kidding? No way does she need to avoid that entire weekend.
A) As is so often said here you get ONE day, not a weekend or a month. Not only is this NOT the same day that the OP is considering, it's not the same weekend, month, or YEAR, as the ACTUAL wedding. B.) Sounds like this woman sent out STDs and is now essentially rescinding them with this moved up "intimate" ceremony and either only having a celebration of marriage party or more likely a PPD on this other date, which if you listen to people here will make the family pissed off at her rudeness even if she is at least being honest about getting married before and they may be very glad to have a very good excuse not to attend by having this other wedding to go to. C) Unless your event is starting on the very early side, i.e. before 1 pm, I don't think four hours is all that crazy. Even if people went to this other event on Sat. and spent the night there, they could still get up at a reasonable time and drive to another event 4 hours away Sunday morning and be in that location between 1 and 2 pm. Not ideal, of course but it could be done and that would almost certainly be a lot cheaper for guests than having to travel two separate weekends.
Look, OP, for practicality reasons (you don't want to risk family you want at your wedding not being able to attend because they don't want to travel 4 hours in between) and appearances, maybe you should still avoid the whole weekend but I don't think you're under any obligation to at all.
You give terrible advice on everything you post.
OP, doing it on the weekend will still make you look like a jerk. If I was family I would be upset that you knowingly picked the same weekend and made me travel four hours past whatever I had already done to travel to hers. It's selfish on your part. This isn't even your dream venue. Why can't you just pick another weekend? This honestly seems a little vindictive and like you are bound and determined not to let her have her moment because, in your opinion, she doesn't deserve one/has had too many.
Maggie0829 said:
Butterflyz419 said:
Are you kidding? No way does she need to avoid that entire weekend. A) As is so often said here you get ONE day, not a weekend or a month. Not only is this NOT the same day that the OP is considering, it's not the same weekend, month, or YEAR, as the ACTUAL wedding. B.) Sounds like this woman sent out STDs and is now essentially rescinding them with this moved up "intimate" ceremony and either only having a celebration of marriage party or more likely a PPD on this other date, which if you listen to people here will make the family pissed off at her rudeness even if she is at least being honest about getting married before and they may be very glad to have a very good excuse not to attend by having this other wedding to go to. C) Unless your event is starting on the very early side, i.e. before 1 pm, I don't think four hours is all that crazy. Even if people went to this other event on Sat. and spent the night there, they could still get up at a reasonable time and drive to another event 4 hours away Sunday morning and be in that location between 1 and 2 pm. Not ideal, of course but it could be done and that would almost certainly be a lot cheaper for guests than having to travel two separate weekends. Look, OP, for practicality reasons (you don't want to risk family you want at your wedding not being able to attend because they don't want to travel 4 hours in between) and appearances, maybe you should still avoid the whole weekend but I don't think you're under any obligation to at all.
But I think the context in her posts is important here. Her judgement of her cousin is why she was even contemplating having her wedding on the same damn day. Now it is "oh we will have it the next day but it is 4 hours away." I am sorry but to me and most likely to her family, she is picking that day out of spite. And typically when it comes to family you tend to be a bit more aware of other events that are going on so you don't pick a date where family will then have to choose one or the other event. To me, I don't care if a family member is planning a graduation party, a vow renewal, a big sweet 16 birthday blow out, an anniversary party or whatever else you can think of, planning something the next day in a town 4 hours away where the majority of those family members will be invited to both things is kind of crappy, especially when you are aware of the party ahead of time.
-------------------------------------------------------------
While I agree to some degree and that's why I said she should choose another date if only for selfish reasons as well as appearances, the OP did correctly predict that this wedding would likely be cancelled, and she was right about that--they did cancel the wedding at least for the date they actually asked people to save and essentially have rescinded the StD because people are no longer being invited to an actual wedding on that date. The OP is not violating any etiquette rules by having her wedding the day after this woman's PPD/vow renewal/marriage celebration party, family or not.
Are you kidding? No way does she need to avoid that entire weekend.
A) As is so often said here you get ONE day, not a weekend or a month. Not only is this NOT the same day that the OP is considering, it's not the same weekend, month, or YEAR, as the ACTUAL wedding. B.) Sounds like this woman sent out STDs and is now essentially rescinding them with this moved up "intimate" ceremony and either only having a celebration of marriage party or more likely a PPD on this other date, which if you listen to people here will make the family pissed off at her rudeness even if she is at least being honest about getting married before and they may be very glad to have a very good excuse not to attend by having this other wedding to go to. C) Unless your event is starting on the very early side, i.e. before 1 pm, I don't think four hours is all that crazy. Even if people went to this other event on Sat. and spent the night there, they could still get up at a reasonable time and drive to another event 4 hours away Sunday morning and be in that location between 1 and 2 pm. Not ideal, of course but it could be done and that would almost certainly be a lot cheaper for guests than having to travel two separate weekends.
Look, OP, for practicality reasons (you don't want to risk family you want at your wedding not being able to attend because they don't want to travel 4 hours in between) and appearances, maybe you should still avoid the whole weekend but I don't think you're under any obligation to at all.
But I think the context in her posts is important here. Her judgement of her cousin is why she was even contemplating having her wedding on the same damn day. Now it is "oh we will have it the next day but it is 4 hours away." I am sorry but to me and most likely to her family, she is picking that day out of spite. And typically when it comes to family you tend to be a bit more aware of other events that are going on so you don't pick a date where family will then have to choose one or the other event.
To me, I don't care if a family member is planning a graduation party, a vow renewal, a big sweet 16 birthday blow out, an anniversary party or whatever else you can think of, planning something the next day in a town 4 hours away where the majority of those family members will be invited to both things is kind of crappy, especially when you are aware of the party ahead of time.
While I agree to some degree and that's why I said she should choose another date if only for selfish reasons as well as appearances, the OP did correctly predict that this wedding would likely be cancelled, and she was right about that--they did cancel the wedding at least for the date they actually asked people to save and essentially have rescinded the StD because people are no longer being invited to an actual wedding on that date. The OP is not violating any etiquette rules by having her wedding the day after this woman's PPD/vow renewal/marriage celebration party, family or not.
Well then she should do whatever the hell she wants since she is so all knowing.
And no she is not violating any etiquette rules, but she sure as hell is violating some common sense rules and would be acting like a pain in the ass princess if she does choose to have her wedding the same weekend.
She is choosing that weekend for all the wrong reasons and she knows it.
You are going to do whatever you want anyway - you don't need our permission.
Actions have consequences.
Worst case scenario you rip the family apart and people have to pick sides.
Best case...well I don't know what to tell you there - I don't see this ended well if you don't just suck it up and pick an entirely different weekend.
Good luck! And good luck to Vikki and the rest of your family...something tells me that will need it...
You know what I find hysterical is that if this cousin came on here to post, she'd get taken to task just as much.
I can just imagine...
So we planned a wedding for next Sept. and sent out STD's to everybody but then decided we wanted to have an intimate wedding this month and just have a reception on the original date. But now my cousin wants to get married the day after my party 4 hours away. She's so mean to me and doesn't understand everything I've gone through in my life. This is my one special day. How can I tell her not to have her wedding that weekend?
Enter litany of responses of how rude she is to rescind the STD's and that she still has to have her actual wedding that day not a reenactment, that she gets one day not a whole weekend. That life being hard is no excuse for a PPD. That the cousin's reasons for choosing her wedding date don't matter as it's still a different day. How the family is probably going to skip her PPD because it's so incredibly so she may as well cancel it, etc. etc. etc.
Butterflyz419 said:
You know what I find hysterical is that if this cousin came on here to post, she'd get taken to task just as much. I can just imagine... So we planned a wedding for next Sept. and sent out STD's to everybody but then decided we wanted to have an intimate wedding this month and just have a reception on the original date. But now my cousin wants to get married the day after my party 4 hours away. She's so mean to me and doesn't understand everything I've gone through in my life. This is my one special day. How can I tell her not to have her wedding that weekend? Enter litany of responses of how rude she is to rescind the STD's and that she still has to have her actual wedding that day not a reenactment, that she gets one day not a whole weekend. That life being hard is no excuse for a PPD. That the cousin's reasons for choosing her wedding date don't matter as it's still a different day. How the family is probably going to skip her PPD because it's so incredibly so she may as well cancel it, etc. etc. etc.
******************
Wow, shocking! Multiple people can make fucked up decisions that are not in line with etiquette all at the same time! What's your point? They're both wrong.
esstee33 said:
Butterflyz419 said:
You know what I find hysterical is that if this cousin came on here to post, she'd get taken to task just as much. I can just imagine... So we planned a wedding for next Sept. and sent out STD's to everybody but then decided we wanted to have an intimate wedding this month and just have a reception on the original date. But now my cousin wants to get married the day after my party 4 hours away. She's so mean to me and doesn't understand everything I've gone through in my life. This is my one special day. How can I tell her not to have her wedding that weekend? Enter litany of responses of how rude she is to rescind the STD's and that she still has to have her actual wedding that day not a reenactment, that she gets one day not a whole weekend. That life being hard is no excuse for a PPD. That the cousin's reasons for choosing her wedding date don't matter as it's still a different day. How the family is probably going to skip her PPD because it's so incredibly so she may as well cancel it, etc. etc. etc.
******************
Wow, shocking! Multiple people can make fucked up decisions that are not in line with etiquette all at the same time! What's your point? They're both wrong.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Not according to etiquette. The OP's plans do not violate etiquette. Her cousin's plans may but either way, doesn't make a difference. The OP can, without violating a single rule in the book, have her wedding the day after her cousin's event. Whether or not she should is entirely separate. I already said she shouldn't, but she knows the facts of the situation better than any of us, and I give credit to her for correctly predicting the wedding would be canceled because either she got really lucky or her perspective with all the details means that things we think might be an issue won't actually be an issue. She has more facts than we do. Etiquette wise she's in the clear. Whether or not it's actually a good idea depends on many more factors than can be addressed on a discussion board.
Re: Setting a date that conflicts with other family
********************************************
I do appreciate the comments about how shitty it would be to plan a wedding after she sent out STD even if she did cancel/postpone the wedding. As expected, I had a conversation with my mom in which she told me that I shouldn't let that hold me back from going with the date. (My mom has no patience for the family drama). I pointed out that I posed the question to the message board and heard an overwhelming response that we should pick another date and venue. so now we are moving forward with other dates and other venues.
Great! Good luck to you.
OP, that's great that you've chosen to pick another date.
But just to reiterate about the bolded- your cousin and her kids getting abused by multiple past partners is NOT "family drama." Seriously.
Formerly martha1818
Yes. You still need to avoid that weekend.
If I'm just answering this without taking into account anything OP has said about her cousin/the situation: I think since it's not a real wedding this changes a bit and you're technically okay.
However, knowing the context of the situation and the fact that you're still putting your families in a bad position, having the wedding on a Sunday 4 hours away making everyone travel, AND this isn't even the same "dream venue" that you were originally talking about that put you in this position (correct me if I'm wrong), I really think you should still steer clear from that weekend.
Formerly martha1818
OP, doing it on the weekend will still make you look like a jerk. If I was family I would be upset that you knowingly picked the same weekend and made me travel four hours past whatever I had already done to travel to hers. It's selfish on your part. This isn't even your dream venue. Why can't you just pick another weekend? This honestly seems a little vindictive and like you are bound and determined not to let her have her moment because, in your opinion, she doesn't deserve one/has had too many.
A) As is so often said here you get ONE day, not a weekend or a month. Not only is this NOT the same day that the OP is considering, it's not the same weekend, month, or YEAR, as the ACTUAL wedding. B.) Sounds like this woman sent out STDs and is now essentially rescinding them with this moved up "intimate" ceremony and either only having a celebration of marriage party or more likely a PPD on this other date, which if you listen to people here will make the family pissed off at her rudeness even if she is at least being honest about getting married before and they may be very glad to have a very good excuse not to attend by having this other wedding to go to. C) Unless your event is starting on the very early side, i.e. before 1 pm, I don't think four hours is all that crazy. Even if people went to this other event on Sat. and spent the night there, they could still get up at a reasonable time and drive to another event 4 hours away Sunday morning and be in that location between 1 and 2 pm. Not ideal, of course but it could be done and that would almost certainly be a lot cheaper for guests than having to travel two separate weekends.
Look, OP, for practicality reasons (you don't want to risk family you want at your wedding not being able to attend because they don't want to travel 4 hours in between) and appearances, maybe you should still avoid the whole weekend but I don't think you're under any obligation to at all. But I think the context in her posts is important here. Her judgement of her cousin is why she was even contemplating having her wedding on the same damn day. Now it is "oh we will have it the next day but it is 4 hours away." I am sorry but to me and most likely to her family, she is picking that day out of spite. And typically when it comes to family you tend to be a bit more aware of other events that are going on so you don't pick a date where family will then have to choose one or the other event.
To me, I don't care if a family member is planning a graduation party, a vow renewal, a big sweet 16 birthday blow out, an anniversary party or whatever else you can think of, planning something the next day in a town 4 hours away where the majority of those family members will be invited to both things is kind of crappy, especially when you are aware of the party ahead of time. -------------------------------------------------------------
While I agree to some degree and that's why I said she should choose another date if only for selfish reasons as well as appearances, the OP did correctly predict that this wedding would likely be cancelled, and she was right about that--they did cancel the wedding at least for the date they actually asked people to save and essentially have rescinded the StD because people are no longer being invited to an actual wedding on that date. The OP is not violating any etiquette rules by having her wedding the day after this woman's PPD/vow renewal/marriage celebration party, family or not.
I'm the fuck out.
I can just imagine...
So we planned a wedding for next Sept. and sent out STD's to everybody but then decided we wanted to have an intimate wedding this month and just have a reception on the original date. But now my cousin wants to get married the day after my party 4 hours away. She's so mean to me and doesn't understand everything I've gone through in my life. This is my one special day. How can I tell her not to have her wedding that weekend?
Enter litany of responses of how rude she is to rescind the STD's and that she still has to have her actual wedding that day not a reenactment, that she gets one day not a whole weekend. That life being hard is no excuse for a PPD. That the cousin's reasons for choosing her wedding date don't matter as it's still a different day. How the family is probably going to skip her PPD because it's so incredibly so she may as well cancel it, etc. etc. etc.
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Wow, shocking! Multiple people can make fucked up decisions that are not in line with etiquette all at the same time! What's your point? They're both wrong.
Formerly martha1818
I can just imagine...
So we planned a wedding for next Sept. and sent out STD's to everybody but then decided we wanted to have an intimate wedding this month and just have a reception on the original date. But now my cousin wants to get married the day after my party 4 hours away. She's so mean to me and doesn't understand everything I've gone through in my life. This is my one special day. How can I tell her not to have her wedding that weekend?
Enter litany of responses of how rude she is to rescind the STD's and that she still has to have her actual wedding that day not a reenactment, that she gets one day not a whole weekend. That life being hard is no excuse for a PPD. That the cousin's reasons for choosing her wedding date don't matter as it's still a different day. How the family is probably going to skip her PPD because it's so incredibly so she may as well cancel it, etc. etc. etc.
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Wow, shocking! Multiple people can make fucked up decisions that are not in line with etiquette all at the same time! What's your point? They're both wrong.
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Not according to etiquette. The OP's plans do not violate etiquette. Her cousin's plans may but either way, doesn't make a difference. The OP can, without violating a single rule in the book, have her wedding the day after her cousin's event. Whether or not she should is entirely separate. I already said she shouldn't, but she knows the facts of the situation better than any of us, and I give credit to her for correctly predicting the wedding would be canceled because either she got really lucky or her perspective with all the details means that things we think might be an issue won't actually be an issue. She has more facts than we do. Etiquette wise she's in the clear. Whether or not it's actually a good idea depends on many more factors than can be addressed on a discussion board.