Setting a date that conflicts with other family

chloe97

I have this cousin- I will call her Vicki. Vicki is 30, but first got married when she was 19 and had 2 kids. She has since gotten divorced and has had a new boyfriend every year. She can't hold a job and has been evicted from many apartments. Her relationship with her mom (my aunt) ranges from not speaking to her mom bailing her out of another terrible living situation after the boyfriend 1.) cheated 2.) abused her 3.) abused her kids. Honestly, its hard to keep up with the drama.

 Vicki has announced her engagements on facebook at least 3 times in the last 6 years, but every year that relationship has ended. This summer, she announced her engagement to another a guy who she has only been dating only 6 months. This guy actually seems to be a good guy, which makes me think that the marriage will actually happen. I have hard time believing that they can afford the wedding that she is planning because she has no money and no job and her fiancee doesn't seem to have a job at the moment. Her parents are in no position to help. I do not know about his family situation. For each wedding, she has created these fantasy wedding webpages with weddings that there is no way that she could afford. 

Here is the problem: her wedding date is the day that our dream venue is open that would work best for both our immediate families. Because she has set so many wedding dates that have not come to fruition, I am loathe to push off our date because Vicki has chosen that date. I am also afraid of the WWW III drama that could erupt (mostly with her mother) if we set her wedding date on the same day as her wedding. Especially since she sent out STDs last month. Because of the drama involved with her faction of the family and because it's my first (and likely only) wedding, I am assuming that the majority of our large extended family would come to my wedding and not hers. That makes me feel terrible, but at the same time, I really don't want to miss out on the date and the venue when I'm not convinced her wedding can and will happen.

We aren't, and have never been, close, but at the same time her life has been so hard I don't want to hurt her feelings and make her feel like her wedding isn't important, but I will be so incredibly angry and upset if we miss out on our wedding date and venue and her wedding doesn't happen. 

Any thoughts?

mikenberger

I would pick another date that the venue is open. Even if she's a serial dater and engagee(?) Who knows. She might be getting married that day. Then your family has to make a choice of who's to go to. Or to go to first, then go to the other one. Nevermind the gifts.

If it were me, for convenience of my family, I would select another date.

ShesSoCold

Knottie02344586 said:

I have this cousin- I will call her Vicki. Vicki is 30, but first got married when she was 19 and had 2 kids. She has since gotten divorced and has had a new boyfriend every year. She can't hold a job and has been evicted from many apartments. Her relationship with her mom (my aunt) ranges from not speaking to her mom bailing her out of another terrible living situation after the boyfriend 1.) cheated 2.) abused her 3.) abused her kids. Honestly, its hard to keep up with the drama.

 Vicki has announced her engagements on facebook at least 3 times in the last 6 years, but every year that relationship has ended. This summer, she announced her engagement to another a guy who she has only been dating only 6 months. This guy actually seems to be a good guy, which makes me think that the marriage will actually happen. I have hard time believing that they can afford the wedding that she is planning because she has no money and no job and her fiancee doesn't seem to have a job at the moment. Her parents are in no position to help. I do not know about his family situation. For each wedding, she has created these fantasy wedding webpages with weddings that there is no way that she could afford. 

Here is the problem: her wedding date is the day that our dream venue is open that would work best for both our immediate families. Because she has set so many wedding dates that have not come to fruition, I am loathe to push off our date because Vicki has chosen that date. I am also afraid of the WWW III drama that could erupt (mostly with her mother) if we set her wedding date on the same day as her wedding. Especially since she sent out STDs last month. Because of the drama involved with her faction of the family and because it's my first (and likely only) wedding, I am assuming that the majority of our large extended family would come to my wedding and not hers. That makes me feel terrible, but at the same time, I really don't want to miss out on the date and the venue when I'm not convinced her wedding can and will happen.

We aren't, and have never been, close, but at the same time her life has been so hard I don't want to hurt her feelings and make her feel like her wedding isn't important, but I will be so incredibly angry and upset if we miss out on our wedding date and venue and her wedding doesn't happen. 

Any thoughts?

You sound extremely judgmental and petty. If your guest lists will overlap greatly, pick another day. Try to think past your judgments and assumptions about her. If this were any other cousin, what would you do?

chloe97

I should note that I would have to wait until 7 months later to get a date at this venue that works for my parents. Also, I am an older bride that wants kids so that puts us 7 months later at TTC. 

Jen4948

Then this venue just isn't going to work for you if it's only available at a time that doesn't work for your family and it's important to you that they attend.

I'd either find another venue or pick another date. 

And if you want to marry at the time you do, wouldn't it conflict with Vicki's wedding no matter what venue you hold it at?

lacqueredlover

Pick another day or find another venue on another date.

daria24

Look, whatever Vicki's history is, it's a dick move to book your wedding on the SAME DATE as a family member. There's really no way to do it without turning heads and hurting feelings. So pick another date, or find another venue. Or book it and deal with the drama.

But seriously just find another date or venue.

mikenberger

Knottie02344586 said:

I should note that I would have to wait until 7 months later to get a date at this venue that works for my parents. Also, I am an older bride that wants kids so that puts us 7 months later at TTC. 

Alright. Now you're working my last good nerve. What do you want us to say "Man, Cousin Vicki sounds like a SHIT SHOW. Your wedding totally trumps. Have your wedding on the day you want. IT'S YOUR DAY."

Honestly, you can do whatever you want. You're already assuming your wedding will be more attended by your extended family than your cousin, which I find to be presumptuous and rude to your cousin. She deserves to have her family at her wedding just as much as you do, regardless of what YOU think of the validity of her marriage.

lyndausvi

daria24 said:

Look, whatever Vicki's history is, it's a dick move to book your wedding on the SAME DATE as a family member. There's really no way to do it without turning heads and hurting feelings. So pick another date, or find another venue. Or book it and deal with the drama.

But seriously just find another date or venue.

this.

Regardless of her history you will look like the bitch picking the exact same date. Especially since the STD have already been sent out.

abbyj700

Pick a date other than your cousins, quit being so petty and judgemental, and move on. 

badbnagdway

I think you will be putting the families involved in an awkward position if you choose the same date/weekend. You may be happy to not attend her wedding, but she may not feel the same way about your wedding, and the same goes with grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc. You don't seem too concerned about your relationship with her, but this could also damage your relationship with other family members. 

How far out is this date that we're speaking of? Also, in terms of dream venues, sometimes they are not as ideal as you think. I had some dream venues when I first started planning that turned out to be too expensive, too small, too inconvenient, etc. I let those go and went with venues that actually fit our needs. 

redoryx

Look, she sent out STDs. You can't plead ignorance on not knowing the date and picking the same one is going to look like a dick move. Her history has no bearing -- this sometimes happens, so what if it was another relative or a friend that was getting married? What would you do?

Wait 7 months for your venue or pick another date at a different venue if you don't want to wait that long. Or go ahead with your plan but be prepared for the fallout.

chloe97

She is verbally and emotionally abusive to her mother which has caused many of our family to write her off. I get what you are saying about looking like a bitch for picking the same date, but I would put the odds of the wedding actually happening at 15 %.....just based on her past behavior. Is this 15% chance of a conflicting date enough to suck it up and choose another date? 

mikenberger

Knottie02344586 said:

She is verbally and emotionally abusive to her mother which has caused many of our family to write her off. I get what you are saying about looking like a bitch for picking the same date, but I would put the odds of the wedding actually happening at 15 %.....just based on her past behavior. Is this 15% chance of a conflicting date enough to suck it up and choose another date? 

FUCKING. FUCK.

PICK. ANOTHER. DATE.

daria24

Knottie02344586 said:

She is verbally and emotionally abusive to her mother which has caused many of our family to write her off. I get what you are saying about looking like a bitch for picking the same date, but I would put the odds of the wedding actually happening at 15 %.....just based on her past behavior. Is this 15% chance of a conflicting date enough to suck it up and choose another date? 

Yes. 

redoryx

Knottie02344586 said:

She is verbally and emotionally abusive to her mother which has caused many of our family to write her off. I get what you are saying about looking like a bitch for picking the same date, but I would put the odds of the wedding actually happening at 15 %.....just based on her past behavior. Is this 15% chance of a conflicting date enough to suck it up and choose another date? 

Perhaps you're not understanding how this is looking to the rest of us: You are more concerned about a VENUE that you will use FOR ONE DAY than the actual PEOPLE in your life that you will potentially have to deal with for the rest of your life.

Just think about that for a second. Then pick another date.

ShesSoCold

Knottie02344586 said:

She is verbally and emotionally abusive to her mother which has caused many of our family to write her off. I get what you are saying about looking like a bitch for picking the same date, but I would put the odds of the wedding actually happening at 15 %.....just based on her past behavior. Is this 15% chance of a conflicting date enough to suck it up and choose another date? 

You're basically saying that your wedding and marriage are more important and more valid that hers due to her failed relationships. How do you not realize how shitty this makes you look? 

Get over yourself. 

climbingsingle

I haven't read all the replies, but two things have really rubbed me the wrong way about your post. 

I got engaged to my husband after only 5 months. Who are you to judge the seriousness of her relationship? 

I was just married for the second time. And guess what? My family was thrilled to come to my second wedding. Just because I got married 10 years ago to the wrong guy doesn't mean this wedding wasn't special. 

She already sent out STDs. IMO, you'd really come off looking like a huge jerk if you planned your wedding for the same day. 

lovegood90

First of all, holy moly if I were you I'd lay off the nasty sounding judgments about your cousin. It sounds like she has been through a LOT, ie abuse from multiple past partners towards herself AND her kids? She is a victim, not someone who just has a lot of "drama." 

Second of all, her financial situation is none of your business.

Now about your actual question, you both only get one day. If your day happens to fall on her day, you're still entitled to choose whichever date you want, but I'd check with your VIPs' availability first so that you can verify if they can make your wedding.

ETA: Since she already sent out STDs, I think you would come off badly by choosing the same date.

Maggie0829

Knottie02344586 said:

She is verbally and emotionally abusive to her mother which has caused many of our family to write her off. I get what you are saying about looking like a bitch for picking the same date, but I would put the odds of the wedding actually happening at 15 %.....just based on her past behavior. Is this 15% chance of a conflicting date enough to suck it up and choose another date? 

For fucks sake!  Are you not listening?!  Her past actions should not fucking matter.  If you pick the same date as her, especially now after the STDs have been sent you YOU will look like the crazy bitch, not her.  So pick another date.  You are a fucking adult so act like it.

plainjane0415

I have a feeling we will be hearing from this poster when she is sending out invites..... Something to the tune of " Do I have to invite my cousins SO? They've only been dating for a month, it's obviously not serious. I don't want to pay for a relationship that isn't going to work out."

But seriously... She has picked the date.. that's been done... if you pick the same date you're going to look like an ass... choose another date.

aurianna

I agree that you sound very judgmental.
You should be super happy for her that she possibly found a nice man after the long history of problems (and that perhaps children won't be getting beaten!). This is a happy thing.
And six months together is a plenty long time to date before becoming engaged. You can't judge the seriousness of someone's relationship based on an arbitrary amount of time.

It isn't her fault that you didn't book your venue soon enough. Don't punish her for it.

Though, honestly, if I were a family member and I found out you picked the same date AFTER your cousin had already sent out a STD, I would think that was a jerk move and be going to your cousin's wedding and not yours. So you might find less people coming to your "dream venue" than you estimated.

I understand wanting a wonderful venue. But a wedding is often a celebration of love. The people matter more than the venue. You'll find another one; don't worry.
And if you're totally married to this venue (heh), any way you could do a Sunday brunch wedding there? Or a Friday night wedding? You might get to do it sooner AND cheaper. And while guest turn-out might be a little smaller than on a Saturday wedding, you'd probably still get more than you would if you hijacked your cousin's date.

When would this be, anyway?

esstee33

Man, wouldn't it be hilarious if you picked the same date because DREAM VENUE, OBVIOUSLY, then everyone else was like "What a dick move! We're going to Vicki's wedding instead." 

climbingsingle

esstee33 said:

Man, wouldn't it be hilarious if you picked the same date because DREAM VENUE, OBVIOUSLY, then everyone else was like "What a dick move! We're going to Vicki's wedding instead." 

I can tell you for sure, I'd go to the wedding I was invited to first. Not the wedding that was being thrown on the same date. Even though it's her second wedding! I KNOW! Crazy! 

arrrghmatey

PICK ANOTHER DA….!

Oh. Yeah, what everyone else said.

And I really hate the idea of "dream venue!" that some brides tend have. You're getting married to your best friend. THAT should be the "dream" part of the day. Not the freakin' venue. You want to have a nice site, sure. But let the princess-dream-wedding-venue fly out the window. There are plenty of beautiful venues. Look around some more. You might find something you like better and may be better suited for this schedule kerfuffle, anyway.

Edited: for spelling.

mikenberger

ClimbingBrideNY said:

esstee33 said:

Man, wouldn't it be hilarious if you picked the same date because DREAM VENUE, OBVIOUSLY, then everyone else was like "What a dick move! We're going to Vicki's wedding instead." 

I can tell you for sure, I'd go to the wedding I was invited to first. Not the wedding that was being thrown on the same date. Even though it's her second wedding! I KNOW! Crazy! 
----boxes----

Your logic has NO place here, Missy. None!!

sarawifenow

Look she gets one day and you get one day. She picked the day way before you did. Suck it up, stop being judgmental, and pick another date or a different venue. Easy peasy.

aurianna

Also, even if set your date for the same day, tell everyone, and then her wedding does get cancelled, you've still put it out there that you didn't think her relationship would last and that your wedding is more important. People will still judge you like crazy. They will talk behind your back. Your cousin and aunt will be very hurt.
That will all happen even if the wedding falls through.

So yes, even with the whole "There's only a 15% chance the wedding will happen" argument (which you have no way of knowing, btw), this is still against etiquette. Hence the etiquette board telling you it's wrong.

lacqueredlover

My FI was divorced.  Since he had a "failed" relationship, does that mean that someone else in his family should pick the same wedding date we have since his track record isn't perfect?

(The answer is NO btw, just wanted you to see how ridiculous it sounds.)

weddingcactus

I get it. You REALLY want this venue and this date. But what are the best case scenarios? You send out STDs to family that already received STDs for the same date for your cousins wedding and you create family drama. If you book the venue and don't send out STDs and only invites later on, you're essentially gambling on your cousin backing out of her wedding. It might happen, but it might not. Ultimately it's your decision, but you're going to have to weigh possible major family drama and looking like a jerk for booking the same day as your cousin against this venue and date you really want. Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it if I wanted my extended family to attend the wedding (and thus expected guest list overlap). 

Knottie02344586 said:

Here is the problem: her wedding date is the day that our dream venue is open that would work best for both our immediate families. 

You say that this date is the date that works best for both of your immediate families. Is there any flexibility there? Can you try to find another date that the venue has open?

simcal18

OP, I get your frustration.  I really do.  I also wound up having to work around the schedule of a difficult family member--in my case it was my half-sister who I'm not particularly close to and who has a tendency to flake out on big events.  We wanted to get married next April, but she wasn't available that entire month due to work.  Another family member vetoed May because she has high schoolers who will be in the midst of prom/graduation, and our venue had no available dates left in June.  So we were essentially left with the choice of picking a date 3 months later than we envisioned, finding another venue with June availability, or hurting my half-sister (and royally pissing off my father) by going with our original date.  We bit the bullet and are getting married in July, because even though (like you) we're a bit older and want to start a family ASAP, those 3 months were not worth the family turmoil that would have resulted if we picked April.

Unfortunately, there's just no way that you can go with the date you want without causing major family tension.  Is the venue that you're looking at really worth stirring up all that drama?  I get that you don't want to delay your wedding for 7 months, but if you don't want to wait that long for this venue to become available, you need to find a new venue that's available for you and your sooner.  Good luck!  It will all work out.  In the end you'll be married to your FI, and that's way more important than a venue.