Bringing liquor-- update in the thread

novella1186

I'm used to bringing my own liquor to parties because 1. college and 2. my stomach is weird so my "safe" drink is either Stoli and tonic or Tanqueray and tonic. Of course, I share with whoever else wants some. A lot of our friends are in-- or just finished-- grad school so they're broke anyway and I bring liquor to their parties as a courtesy to them (and/or they've asked me to).

But here's what I need help with. We're going to a Christmas party on Saturday at my friend's house, and he is not a broke college kid. His wife prides herself on being the greatest party host ever (and she really is) and goes all out to make her guests comfortable. So in normal adult life when it's a real party at someone's established home, is it rude to bring your own liquor?

At first I thought nothing of it, but then I thought of it in terms of a wedding. If I were going to a wedding and knew ahead of time that they were only serving beer and wine, I would not show up with a bottle of Stoli in my hand. I would drink the wine (beer makes me sick unfortunately) or if it wasn't a type of wine I could drink, I'd have water or iced tea or whatever else. Because you graciously accept what the host has graciously provided, right? So does this apply to Christmas parties also? I have no problem with not bringing my own stuff. Obviously if they don't have anything I'm able to drink, I'll just have water or whatever, just like in the wedding scenario.

I just don't want to do anything that my friend's wife may see as rude. Like "hey I didn't expect your stuff to be good enough so I brought my own" or something. Maybe this is another one of those things that I'm totally over-thinking...

lyndausvi

As a host I feel that if you bring something expecting it to be consumed while you are there then it's rude.    That can be food or drinks.    

 Now if you bring a bottle of wine as a hostess gift and you do not expect it to be opened and consumed during the party then it's okay.

novella1186

lyndausvi said:

As a host I feel that if you bring something expecting it to be consumed while you are there then it's rude.    That can be food or drinks.    

 Now if you bring a bottle of wine as a hostess gift and you do not expect it to be opened and consumed during the party then it's okay.

Really, food too? I didn't know that. They asked us all to bring a snack/appetizer/dessert. In a "feel free to bring your favorite snack/appetizer/dessert!" kind of way. That's why the whole bringing a beverage thing seemed fine to me till I second guessed it and thought it could be rude.

lyndausvi

Well if they ask, then it's okay. Well, sort of, I think it's tacky to invite people to bring their own food, but whatever.     Since they asked for food in this case liquor might not be a problem.

When I invite people to my house it's for food and drinks.   I get pretty annoyed when people bring food  and drinks that are supposed to be consumed at the party.   I'm alway polite of course, but inside I'm stewing. If feel it's pretty rude and presumptuous that I will not provide for my guests.

The exceptions are joint parties where my home is just the location and it's really being hosted by many people.  I.E a shower, family holiday dinner, neighborhood xmas party.

larrygaga

I don't think in my circle people take it that seriously. When I go to my friend's house, I bring a bottle of whatever or some beer and plop it right down next to the rest of the alcohol/food. 

I have never been to a party where there wasn't just a counter full of things the host puts out to make drinks, and open access to the beer and wine in the fridge. Family, friends or otherwise. It's usually like everyone contribute something and help yourself to whatever is out next to the cups. And usually the people who drink beer only just bring their own case each. My friends all like to try weird liqours or drinks, so nobody is drinking one thing all night.

We don't do fancy stuff in Michigan, though. 

theartistformerlyknownas

I don't see any problem asking people to bring something to a party as long as it is not in one's own honor (or one's own child's honor). But if they only asked you to bring a dish to pass and not BYOB (or "if you'd like something specific, feel free to bring it") I wouldn't bring a drink and expect it to be served. A hostess gift is different, but you don't drink from it unless it's offered to you.

chibiyui

I'm gonna go with it both depends on your circle and on the type of party. A normal get together party/holiday party? I probably wouldn't side eye it. We have friends who bring rum every time they come over, for everyone to drink. But if I were throwing a super nice dinner party, I'd maybe be a little side eye towards other beverages. 

lyndausvi

Hosting is/was very important to my family.    People just never walked in with liquor because it was always provided.  The minute you walked in the door Grandma was offering you a beer or another drink.  She would also offer us cookies, crab cakes or her famous pudding.

 It's just what my family does.  All my uncles and a lot of cousins have kegerators and pretty stocked bars in their homes.

My grandparents were on a low fix-income, not much extra money.  So me and my cousins would buy them cases of beer, gin, whiskey and other liquors as xmas presents so they could still host properly.

novella1186

Interesting... Maybe I will just err on the side of caution and not bring liquor. 

climbingsingle

I also think this is a know your circle type of thing. I often host at my house. I'm never offended when someone brings a bottle of wine or a bottle of liquor. I have been offended though when my cousin's now ex-husband brought a ton of food to a dinner I was hosting. But that's another story. 

Anyway, personally, if I'm going to bring a bottle of something to someone else's house, I present it as a gift for the hostess. Unless it's one of my very best friend's houses. Again, in our circle, we all just bring lots of wine and champagne and it all gets drank. 

novella1186

This is confusing lol. I'm bringing them a really nice bottle of whiskey as a gift (because they're both whiskey drinkers) that I do NOT intend for them to open at the party. It's just for them. (Obviously it's their choice if they do want to open it for the party or whatever). 

I haven't been to a party at their house yet. I co-hosted a party with the wife last summer and she asked everyone to bring a side dish (it was a casual backyard bbq) but then she and I provided all the alcohol and main dishes. One person brought their own bottle of something just for themselves to drink and I didn't side-eye it at all. I understood that sometimes you just feel like drinking your one specific thing. 

I think I would feel better about bringing alcohol to drink to their Christmas party if it was like a fancy Christmas-y drink that I wanted to make for everyone, ya know? Since they've asked everyone to bring stuff. I could be like "oh the thing I brought is stuff to make peppermint-chocolate martinis! yay!" But this is not the case. 

But I wouldn't be surprised if that one particular lady brought her one particular bottle of stuff to this party like she did to our bbq and then I wouldn't look so bad for doing it too lol. 

Maggie0829

When I host a party I provide all of the food and basic drinks like soda, beer and wine.  If anyone wants anything different to drink they are free to bring it but I certainly do not request that they bring something specific.

But since they have already asked you to bring your favorite snack, app or dessert then I don't think you bringing your liquor or choice will be that huge of a deal.  I mean if this lady is sees herself as the greatest party host ever she certainly wouldn't be requesting you to bring anything.  If you are going to host a party then you host it, you don't ask people to bring shit.

plainjane0415

FI and I are going to a surprise b-day party for his best friend tonight.  We aren't bringing anything to contribute food or drink wise.  I will say though, that I have asked the host of the party if we can bring anything, or help them with anything before hand for the party. I don't know etiquette wise if that's ok, but it's kind of just a habit for me to ask, because I've been in the craziness of planning a party myself before and sometimes you forget stuff or just don't have time to pick up what you need.    If I were you @novella1186 I think I might err on the side of caution on this one like you said in a PP.  

ElcaB

I definitely think this is a know your crowd thing. 

My friends and I have numerous get togethers, some fancy, some not. We almost always all bring drinks to contribute to the party without being asked by the host (and food, too). But, I'd be less likely to bring something for consumption at a party where I'm not as close to the host and more likely to bring a bottle of wine for them. 

beachyone15

I think if they told you "feel free to bring whatever..." then it's totally fine.

l9i

I agree that I think it depends.  I've hosted small dinner parties with a few other couples and would have been offended if they brought food because obviously the intent is for me to cook.  However, if they talked to me ahead of time and offer to bring bread or something of that sort I'd be ok with it.  For family events my dad always brings beer to share because he's very into craft beer and thats ok, I'd rather him bring what he likes than me try and guess.

On the flip side we are hosting a pretty casual Christmas party in a few weeks for friends.  We will provide food and drinks but they are welcome to bring something if they'd like.  Since dinner is not the main objective I feel it's fine if others bring things and I'm used to this concept in both friend and family gatherings, I wouldn't judge one bit.  Last year's Christmas party we provided enough food and drinks that it would've been fine if no one brought anything.  Some did and some didn't.  A few friends like to cook and take it as an opportunity to try new things and others brought drinks to share among everyone. 

carrie0924

I personally never show up empty handed to any dinner or party I've been invited to. It doesn't matter the event. Just a weeknight dinner get together or big birthday party or whatever. I bring something. I usually say to the host "Let me know what I can bring" or "Would it be helpful if I brought xyz food item" or "Could I bring dessert since you are taking care of the dinner?" To me, I'm taking a little of the burden off of the host if they would like to take me up on my offer. If not, I just bring a bottle of white wine and a bottle of red wine because a) you can never have too much booze at a party and b) if it doesn't get consumed at the party, the host has it for themselves for later. I can't really imagine a scenario in which I would get upset that somebody brought something to a party I was hosting.
That being said - that doesn't exactly answer your question. If a friend of mine had a specific food or beverage intolerance and wanted to bring their own option instead of asking me to cater to their individual needs, I would 100% support them. I have friends who have various allergies, dietary needs (vegetarian, gluten free), and they choose to bring an option for themselves in case there aren't any safe options provided for them. I would never presume to wonder why somebody brought their own vodka. You are in my home, I want you to be 100% comfortable. If that means you want to bring your own cocktail making kit because you like to drink only one type of drink and you aren't sure I'll have the ingredients, I would certainly not be upset by that.

climbingsingle

beachyone15 said:

I think if they told you "feel free to bring whatever..." then it's totally fine.

I totally agree with this. I think you're fine to bring whatever you'd like to drink. 

teddygirl9

Why don't you ask your friend? Mention that your tummy doesn't like certain things and that you were thinking of bringing your own. I don't think it's something to get upset about (as a host), unless you've specifically asked each guest what they would like. Maybe they don't know if someone is gluten/dairy/nut free? I know lots of grown ass adults that bring their own 'snacks' to parties because they are never sure if the host knows/doesn't want to impose/die etc. Obviously a dinner party is different, but at a christmas party its usually just appies and whatnot.

KytchynWitche

I would ask the host/hostess on this. 

Personally I would think nothing of it, but my crowd is very much BYOB. Also I was vegetarian for many years, and got used to bringing my own food to get-togethers because here that's usually a braai (BBQ). No one has ever taken offence except my mom, and that was just because she was mad I wouldn't try her ham.

southernbelle0915

beachyone15 said:

I think if they told you "feel free to bring whatever..." then it's totally fine.

This. 

When I host parties, everything is provided - beer, wine, liquor, mixers, snacks and heavy enough food to constitute a meal no matter what time of day. I know it's overkill, but I'd rather have too much and a big variety than not enough. 

As a guest, I always ask "Is there anything I can bring?" If the hosts say no, I assume food and drink are provided. If they say, "bring whatever you want to drink" or "if you could pick up chips and dip, that'd be great" or whatever else, then I assume it's BYOB/potluck style. 

As far as gifting alcohol, I always bring a bottle of something in a gift bag or with a ribbon. That way, the host knows it's a gift - not a BYOB bottle of whiskey or something.

dcbride86

I don't think it's rude unless you take the leftovers home.  If someone brought a full bottle of wine over, we drank some of it and then she corked it and took the rest home, I would side-eye that.  But I certainly wouldn't think it was rude if someone brought additional alcohol to a party

PrettyGirlLost

lolo883 said:

I don't see any problem asking people to bring something to a party as long as it is not in one's own honor (or one's own child's honor). But if they only asked you to bring a dish to pass and not BYOB (or "if you'd like something specific, feel free to bring it") I wouldn't bring a drink and expect it to be served. A hostess gift is different, but you don't drink from it unless it's offered to you.

This.

I was raised that you never go to anyone's house for a party w/o bringing wine or a dessert or a floral arrangement.  It doesn't matter if they are throwing a fully catered party or not, it's rude not to bring a hostess gift.

Now in my circle most holiday and "just for the hell of it" parties are "potluck" in the sense that 90% of the people attending were raised like me and will bring food or ask if they can bring food or do anything to help.  And usually the party host/hostess says, "Great, thank you!  Can you make that awesome Spinach-artichoke- crab dip you made for so and so's party?"  Or they will decline if they really don't need anything. . . in which case we all show up with wine.  And if we show up with wine, 90% of the time the host/hostess opens it up so it can be served during the party.

Now, that being said, unless I was explicitly told to bring whatever alcohol that i personally want to drink with me to the party, I would not BYOB to another person's party.  I would give them a hostess gift and I would drink whatever they had to offer me.  I feel like BYOB would be akin to showing up and having a pizza delivered.

PrettyGirlLost

Also, those of you in this thread that mentioned it would be offensive to you to have a guest bring food/drinks to a party you were hosting. . . it's probably that your guest means no offense, in fact the opposite, and was raised like those of us who were raised that it's rude to show up to a party empty handed.

And if anyone is Italian, well you know:

STARMOON44

Tbh , I'd be thinking what I'm thinking now "really princess? Mmhmmyeahsure your tummy is brand sensitive. Totes buying that". If you showed up with fancy wine and were like "oh I can only drink this kind" I'd be insulted that you thought poorly of my hospitality. Stoli and tonic? I'd be thinking you were a total prima Donna. I'd judge hardcore but I wouldn't be personally hurt by it.

novella1186

STARMOON44 said:

Tbh , I'd be thinking what I'm thinking now "really princess? Mmhmmyeahsure your tummy is brand sensitive. Totes buying that". If you showed up with fancy wine and were like "oh I can only drink this kind" I'd be insulted that you thought poorly of my hospitality. Stoli and tonic? I'd be thinking you were a total prima Donna. I'd judge hardcore but I wouldn't be personally hurt by it.

Well I've had stomach problems for 17 years. I don't need expensive wine. Usually the wine I drink is about $10 per bottle. But I can't drink sweet wine. That's what makes me feel sick, is the sweetness or sugary stuff. That's why I stick with tonic. I don't think a medical condition requires anyone, including you, to call me a princess or a prima donna but that's cool. 

PrettyGirlLost

STARMOON44 said:

Tbh , I'd be thinking what I'm thinking now "really princess? Mmhmmyeahsure your tummy is brand sensitive. Totes buying that". If you showed up with fancy wine and were like "oh I can only drink this kind" I'd be insulted that you thought poorly of my hospitality. Stoli and tonic? I'd be thinking you were a total prima Donna. I'd judge hardcore but I wouldn't be personally hurt by it.

Yeah if you are gonna ask,  don't use the my tummy excuse nonsense.  Just straight up ask.

However, I wouldn't do that in this case.  If you and she provided all of the alcohol for your past event, and she didn't specifically say to bring whatever you want to drink this time. . . chances are the rando that showed up at your last party with his/her own swill was just being a cad.

Bring your food dish and just drink what she provides.

novella1186

PrettyGirlLost said:

STARMOON44 said:

Tbh , I'd be thinking what I'm thinking now "really princess? Mmhmmyeahsure your tummy is brand sensitive. Totes buying that". If you showed up with fancy wine and were like "oh I can only drink this kind" I'd be insulted that you thought poorly of my hospitality. Stoli and tonic? I'd be thinking you were a total prima Donna. I'd judge hardcore but I wouldn't be personally hurt by it.

Yeah if you are gonna ask,  don't use the my tummy excuse nonsense.  Just straight up ask.

However, I wouldn't do that in this case.  If you and she provided all of the alcohol for your past event, and she didn't specifically say to bring whatever you want to drink this time. . . chances are the rando that showed up at your last party with his/her own swill was just being a cad.

Bring your food dish and just drink what she provides.

Have to say I find it really annoying when people think my stomach problems are some kind of fake excuse. I was in the hospital many times because of stomach issues. If I drink something that has orange juice in it without realizing it, I have to go to the hospital or I'm sick for several days. If I drink something sugary I'm in the bathroom all night. So no. It's not some lame excuse. And no, I'm not being a princess. It's a pretty serious medical condition that has caused me a good amount of pain on a regular basis, so I'm pretty sure I have every right to make sure that what I'm eating and drinking isn't going to make me ill without being called names for it or being accused of lying about it. 

esstee33

My circle is very BYOB, even to well-hosted parties, and none of us get ruffled about it. I think this is largely because we're all very into craft beers and some people in the group can get really rare, unique beers, so we're all accustomed to bringing them to share with everyone else. Others in the group brew their own beer, so they bring that to share also. And everyone brings random food-stuff also. 

In this specific situation, I would bring a bottle of whatever it is you can drink and just leave it in the car. Then if it seems like it's more casual and the host wouldn't be offended, or if basically everyone else brought drinks for the party also, I'd run out to the car and grab it. That's just me, though. 

STARMOON44

novella1186 said:

STARMOON44 said:

Tbh , I'd be thinking what I'm thinking now "really princess? Mmhmmyeahsure your tummy is brand sensitive. Totes buying that". If you showed up with fancy wine and were like "oh I can only drink this kind" I'd be insulted that you thought poorly of my hospitality. Stoli and tonic? I'd be thinking you were a total prima Donna. I'd judge hardcore but I wouldn't be personally hurt by it.

Well I've had stomach problems for 17 years. I don't need expensive wine. Usually the wine I drink is about $10 per bottle. But I can't drink sweet wine. That's what makes me feel sick, is the sweetness or sugary stuff. That's why I stick with tonic. I don't think a medical condition requires anyone, including you, to call me a princess or a prima donna but that's cool. 




Ok, but your saying "I require Stoli or Tanqueray" instead of "vodka or gin" is what's giving me a princess vibe.

PrettyGirlLost

novella1186 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

STARMOON44 said:

Tbh , I'd be thinking what I'm thinking now "really princess? Mmhmmyeahsure your tummy is brand sensitive. Totes buying that". If you showed up with fancy wine and were like "oh I can only drink this kind" I'd be insulted that you thought poorly of my hospitality. Stoli and tonic? I'd be thinking you were a total prima Donna. I'd judge hardcore but I wouldn't be personally hurt by it.

Yeah if you are gonna ask,  don't use the my tummy excuse nonsense.  Just straight up ask.

However, I wouldn't do that in this case.  If you and she provided all of the alcohol for your past event, and she didn't specifically say to bring whatever you want to drink this time. . . chances are the rando that showed up at your last party with his/her own swill was just being a cad.

Bring your food dish and just drink what she provides.

Have to say I find it really annoying when people think my stomach problems are some kind of fake excuse. I was in the hospital many times because of stomach issues. If I drink something that has orange juice in it without realizing it, I have to go to the hospital or I'm sick for several days. If I drink something sugary I'm in the bathroom all night. So no. It's not some lame excuse. And no, I'm not being a princess. It's a pretty serious medical condition that has caused me a good amount of pain on a regular basis, so I'm pretty sure I have every right to make sure that what I'm eating and drinking isn't going to make me ill without being called names for it or being accused of lying about it. 

Um, I had no idea you actually have legit stomach issues.

My comment was in reference to a PP who was suggesting: "Mention that your tummy doesn't like certain things and that you were thinking of bringing your own."

Which I thought she meant as a way to gently ask the host if you could bring a preferred drink so as not to seem presumptuous and rude.  I didn't realize she meant you actually have GI issues.

If you actually have GI issues, then tell the host and/or bring something you know you can eat or drink. .. as was mentioned by that PP.

Dinner party etiquette is really not as complicated as this thread is making it out to be ><