I feel like no one wants to marry me.

rlcaver

So, a few months back, my boyfriend told me that he was planning to get my engagement ring with money from tax returns. Which is wonderful of him to say, but I feel like that is all it really is.. talk. 

The reason he told me this to begin with is because I was once before engaged to someone else, we were together five years and I found out he was cheating and called it all off. I kept the ring since he was cheating and the ring is from Kay's Jewelers. Kay's has a policy that you can exchange the ring full value towards new diamonds as long as you spend double the amount, but you get that credit. So my ring is a $2,000 ring, basically we get $4k worth of diamonds for half price. So he needs my old ring and all the paperwork and my permission to take the ring back in order to get me a new one. So he told me this was plan as soon as tax season was here.

However, at the same time, he talks of all these other plans he has with the tax return money we are expecting to get. He wants to move out of our apartment and rent a house instead, he wants to pay off a loan that we took out last year to get some car work done. And basically pay off a few other bills. This just isn't enough money to take care of all these things. So it makes me wonder if he only said he was getting the ring to like.. shut me up about it. lol

When I was engaged before, we were together for five years. After him, I was with another guy for two years. I ended things with the second guy because he also wanted to wait like five years to even think about marriage and after my first fiance that just wasn't going to fly with me. Like he couldn't even say if he was thinking about marriage, we were together two years already and he had no idea if I was "the one" and that just seemed ridiculous to me. I'm not saying you have to propose right then but you should be able to at least tell if you want to, or see it in the future.

In a few fights that we have had over time, my boyfriend has admitted to me that he is afraid that I'm going to "get tired of waiting" and leave him if he doesn't propose fast enough. Which totally isn't true. I'm willing to wait for it, just not five years just for him to even start the thought process. 

I think what bothers me the most is that with each long term relationship I have, I'm always told "I can't yet" whether it's money or timing or whatever the issue. they always say they can't do it. However, once the relationship ends and they find a new girlfriend, they're married within months.. MONTHS. When I had to wait years. My ex fiance married his new g/f after 6 months and is now expecting a baby, the guy after that, married his new g/f within 4 months. My boyfriend now, married his ex wife after 6 months. I'm starting to feel un-marriageable.  

Thoughts? Is this my problem or a guys problem?? Are a lot of guys like this?? 

jadelois

You find it ridiculous that your second long term boyfriend didn't know if you were 'the one' after 2 years - yet you have now met 'the one' at least 3 times? But he is the ridiculous one?

You need to ask yourself why you are so desperate to marry someone. What it is about marriage that you find so appealing that you are trying to rush into it with anyone you can?

lifeisajourney

I think you have to remember that the goal is not just to be married but to be HAPPILY married to the person that is right for you. I don't know you personally so I'm only judging by your post but it seems like you just want to be married to whoever will marry you because you want to be a wife. You deserve to be in a happy marriage, so be patient and wait for the guy who will be so madly in love with you that he cant imagine life without you. The guy who will talk about marriage without you having to nag or ask about it. It will be worth the wait. In the mean time try to enjoy your life where it is today. Marriage is a beautiful thing so I understand your desire to be married but I challenge you to find the other beautiful things in your life to cling to until life brings your husband. Stop trying to turn every guy that comes into your life into your husband.  Every guy is not "the one" and you wont be "the one" for every guy you date. I think that's what makes it all so beautiful when you finally do find the one. I wish you the best of luck on your journey hun

Swazzle

rlcaver said:

So, a few months back, my boyfriend told me that he was planning to get my engagement ring with money from tax returns. Which is wonderful of him to say, but I feel like that is all it really is.. talk. 

The reason he told me this to begin with is because I was once before engaged to someone else, we were together five years and I found out he was cheating and called it all off. I kept the ring since he was cheating and the ring is from Kay's Jewelers. Kay's has a policy that you can exchange the ring full value towards new diamonds as long as you spend double the amount, but you get that credit. So my ring is a $2,000 ring, basically we get $4k worth of diamonds for half price. So he needs my old ring and all the paperwork and my permission to take the ring back in order to get me a new one. So he told me this was plan as soon as tax season was here.

However, at the same time, he talks of all these other plans he has with the tax return money we are expecting to get. He wants to move out of our apartment and rent a house instead, he wants to pay off a loan that we took out last year to get some car work done. And basically pay off a few other bills. This just isn't enough money to take care of all these things. So it makes me wonder if he only said he was getting the ring to like.. shut me up about it. lol

When I was engaged before, we were together for five years. After him, I was with another guy for two years. I ended things with the second guy because he also wanted to wait like five years to even think about marriage and after my first fiance that just wasn't going to fly with me. Like he couldn't even say if he was thinking about marriage, we were together two years already and he had no idea if I was "the one" and that just seemed ridiculous to me. I'm not saying you have to propose right then but you should be able to at least tell if you want to, or see it in the future.

In a few fights that we have had over time, my boyfriend has admitted to me that he is afraid that I'm going to "get tired of waiting" and leave him if he doesn't propose fast enough. Which totally isn't true. I'm willing to wait for it, just not five years just for him to even start the thought process. 

I think what bothers me the most is that with each long term relationship I have, I'm always told "I can't yet" whether it's money or timing or whatever the issue. they always say they can't do it. However, once the relationship ends and they find a new girlfriend, they're married within months.. MONTHS. When I had to wait years. My ex fiance married his new g/f after 6 months and is now expecting a baby, the guy after that, married his new g/f within 4 months. My boyfriend now, married his ex wife after 6 months. I'm starting to feel un-marriageable.  

Thoughts? Is this my problem or a guys problem?? Are a lot of guys like this?? 

Can I ask how old you are?

I have to agree with PPs, judging from this post, it really sounds like you just want to get married. And FWIW, I think the things your BF wants to spend his tax return on are completely valid. You had to take out a loan to get something fixed on your car. Who WOULDN'T want to pay that off ASAP? It sounds to me like he wants to pay off debts and get things in order before he spends that money on a ring. The only thing I will say is that if that's his plan, he shouldn't tell you that he's buying you a ring with the money and I would definitely sit down and have a conversation with him. Communication is key and you don't sound like you're quite on the same page right now. 

lacqueredlover

The goal in life is not to be married.  It's to find a partner you want to spend your life with.  I suggest you work on that because being happy with someone and wanting to spend forever with them is the goal, not just to be married for the sake of being married.  Honestly I could never marry my FI and just be happy to get to spend my life with him, the getting married part is just the cherry on the sunday.

GoldenPenguin

Yea, you have legit wanted to marry every serious boyfriend you've ever had?

lilacck28

First-- do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? More than you wanted to with the others? How is this relationship different than the other two relationships where you wanted to get married? Are there things you'd like to change about him?

If the answers are a definite, "yes, I love him, I want to be with him forever, Isee how the other guys didn't match what I wanted/ needed in xyz ways, wherease this relationship does give me those things, and I don't want to change him because he suitsme so well.....and I can see a happy compatible future with him".... then what @Swazzle said.

Communicate with your BF. Let him know you love him, and want to marry him, but that you see he wants to spend the tax return on other things. If it were me, I'd tell him-- I approve! Paying off debt is important. But gently tell him that it's hard to be told one thing but know it won't happen (as in, the tax return money is not going to be used for the ring.) Open up a timeline convo.  Ask him when he'd ideally get engaged/ married/ buy a house/ have kids if that's something you're interested in. Tell him your thoughts (i.e. you don't want to wait 5 years to get married, but you don't want to rush him either that if you're not waiting 5 years only to be let down, then you're fine with waiting. Then tell him your preference -- get engaged within a year? married in 2? whatever your - realistic- ideal is.) If your ideal timelines don't match up, then one of you or both of you need to compromise.

bethsmiles

lilacck28 said:

First-- do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? More than you wanted to with the others? How is this relationship different than the other two relationships where you wanted to get married? Are there things you'd like to change about him?

If the answers are a definite, "yes, I love him, I want to be with him forever, Isee how the other guys didn't match what I wanted/ needed in xyz ways, wherease this relationship does give me those things, and I don't want to change him because he suitsme so well.....and I can see a happy compatible future with him".... then what @Swazzle said.

Communicate with your BF. Let him know you love him, and want to marry him, but that you see he wants to spend the tax return on other things. If it were me, I'd tell him-- I approve! Paying off debt is important. But gently tell him that it's hard to be told one thing but know it won't happen (as in, the tax return money is not going to be used for the ring.) Open up a timeline convo.  Ask him when he'd ideally get engaged/ married/ buy a house/ have kids if that's something you're interested in. Tell him your thoughts (i.e. you don't want to wait 5 years to get married, but you don't want to rush him either that if you're not waiting 5 years only to be let down, then you're fine with waiting. Then tell him your preference -- get engaged within a year? married in 2? whatever your - realistic- ideal is.) If your ideal timelines don't match up, then one of you or both of you need to compromise.

I was going to type out a long response but @lilacck28 said it perfectly so I'm just quoting it so maybe you'll read it twice.

Communication is so important in a relationship. Talk to your BF, figure out your relationship.

kipper88

Maybe your exes got married right away because they found the ONE.  Obviously you weren't their "one" since it didn't work out.  Why begrudge them that?

 

You've wanted to marry each guy you've been with.  Why?  Why do you want to marry them?  Answer me that.

phira

You've gotten good advice so far. I just want to add:

It's perfectly okay to have a timeline, and it's fine to not want to wait X number of years to marry someone. But that timeline, and whatever X equals, they should be based on your relationship with the person you're with. They shouldn't be based on what you think should happen for you, or a relationship you had with someone else, or a relationship between two other people.

Forget about your exes and their own timelines (either with you or with new partners). Just focus on your current relationship.

Finally, if your boyfriend is worried that you're going to break up with him for not proposing soon enough, please tell him that someone you know from the internet would like him to stop being an idiot. When he says this, he's putting you in a really shit position, whether or not that's intentional. He's not opening anything up for discussion or being a mature adult about timelines; he's essentially saying, "Hey now, you aren't so shallow that you would dump me, the love of your life, just because I'm not ready to marry you yet, right?"

Because the thing is, you should be able to talk openly and honestly about your timeline, and you deserve a relationship where you know that you're both in the same place (e.g. in love, or ready for marriage, or ready for children, or ready for home ownership, etc.). By bringing up the subject, not as a topic for discussion, but as a method to silence discussion, he's being a wank. Again, this might not be intentional, but it's gotta stop.

lilacck28

aww, thanks @bethsmiles!

rlcaver

jadelois said:

You find it ridiculous that your second long term boyfriend didn't know if you were 'the one' after 2 years - yet you have now met 'the one' at least 3 times? But he is the ridiculous one?

You need to ask yourself why you are so desperate to marry someone. What it is about marriage that you find so appealing that you are trying to rush into it with anyone you can?

Yes, I do find that ridiculous. I'm not saying he had to propose after the two years, but I think anyone should have at least a vision of it within a year. Otherwise it's like stringing along. You should be able to picture it. He wanted 5 years just to decide. After an already called off marriage, I wasn't doing that. It doesn't take five years to see a picture. Either you want it or you don't. 

rlcaver

Seems to be that the most frequent response I received was that it sounded like I'm trying to rush, marry anyone. Every guy I date. And that's not true. For every long term relationship there were several shorter relationships. Those I knew were not right. And I heard a lot of "do you really want to marry this guy just cause it's a serious relationship" well, what's the point in having a serious long-term relationship if you weren't in it for the long haul? 

With of each of these relationships, I saw no reason to end it. Until I was given a reason, each one I stated in my original post. I was perfectly happy in each relationship so of course I heard wedding bells for each. If I didn't, it would be such a huge waste of time to keep going. I'm all for waiting for that magical proposal and such, but I just don't want to be led on, strung along. wasting more of my time. If each guy keeps spending years with me before deciding "hmm nevermind" that's so many years I can't get back and have to start over. I mean it's not just marriage that I want, but also a family. I don't feel like having children is going to be the easiest adventure for me with some of my medical history, so I feel the longer I wait, the harder and least likely it will be. 

bethsmiles

Have you talked with your BF about a general timeline? This is actually a very simply solved problem. Communication with your partner. Be honest with each other, listen to each other, compromise with each other. 

phira

You really need to talk with your boyfriend about timelines, then. I don't think anyone's giving you shit for trying to rush anything; most of your feedback has just been, "Stop comparing yourself to other people's timelines and focus on what you want."

rlcaver

We have talked time lines. I'm just not sure he is being honest with his. Just more like agreeing with what I'm saying or saying what he thinks I want to hear. 

bethsmiles

If you can't trust what your partner tells you or expect an honest conversation about your relationship with him I don't know what advice we can give you. 

Is he really not trustworthy or do you have some lingering trust issues from past relationships?

rlcaver

I'm sure it's a bit of both. 

The majority of it most likely is because of old relationships. 

My bf is mostly trust worthy, just a lot of things on the subject don't match up. Like my earlier example of telling me that the tax return was going to be used for a ring, and then he tacked on a lot of other items to use the money for and there just isn't enough money to cover everything, so it just makes me wonder which one he really means, and intends on doing. 

 

bride2b71614

The fact that you are unable to trust him, and the fact that you think he's saying just what you want to hear so that you'll get off his case is concerning. I don't really think this is his problem, I think its yours. From what I am seeing, you are carrying a lot of baggage from previous relationships and projecting them onto him, and maybe you need to reevaluate your thinking to see if you brought any of this into your current relationship.

I think you are also having a communication breakdown. PPs have given wonderful advice. Just talk to him. Don't be afraid to hold anything back, and try to hear his feedback when he gives it to you. I think that its important that you let your feelings be known and if you feel like he's blowing smoke up your butt, say something. 

Dignity100

Honestly - I probably have like 20 things in my mind that I want to use my tax refund for and I won't get that refund probably until March or April.  In reality probably NONE of them will happen.  It sounds like your BF is doing the same thing... or maybe he's thinking that as soon as he gets his loans paid off he can start saving for a ring - the only person that knows what he's thinking is him. 

If you have an open line of communication with your BF, there's nothing wrong with saying 'hey, awhile back you said you were going to use your tax refund to purchase an engagement ring, but then you also said you wanted to get your loans paid off.  There really isn't enough money to do ALL of that, can we set up a plan and a timeline?'.  If you do not have an open line of communication - well that's a whole different problem and you're probably not really ready for that engagement until you do learn how to communicate effectively with him.

labro

rlcaver said:

Seems to be that the most frequent response I received was that it sounded like I'm trying to rush, marry anyone. Every guy I date. And that's not true. For every long term relationship there were several shorter relationships. Those I knew were not right. And I heard a lot of "do you really want to marry this guy just cause it's a serious relationship" well, what's the point in having a serious long-term relationship if you weren't in it for the long haul? 

With of each of these relationships, I saw no reason to end it. Until I was given a reason, each one I stated in my original post. I was perfectly happy in each relationship so of course I heard wedding bells for each. If I didn't, it would be such a huge waste of time to keep going. I'm all for waiting for that magical proposal and such, but I just don't want to be led on, strung along. wasting more of my time. If each guy keeps spending years with me before deciding "hmm nevermind" that's so many years I can't get back and have to start over. I mean it's not just marriage that I want, but also a family. I don't feel like having children is going to be the easiest adventure for me with some of my medical history, so I feel the longer I wait, the harder and least likely it will be. 

To the first bolded - Just because there aren't any problems in a relationship doesn't mean it's one that's going to be a successful married relationship.

To the second bolded - Like others have said. You need to communicate your needs here. If you're not looking to date long term or date for a long period of time without having serious discussions about the future, then you need to communicate it early on. When my H and I first started to get serious we both decided we wanted to take things slowly. There was no need to rush and this was something we both agreed on. When we decided to move in together we had another discussion. I told him I didn't want to live together for years without engagement and marriage being on the horizon and he was ok with that. This is something you and your SO need to talk about. It doesn't have to be a hard timeline, but you both need to have an open discussion about your expectations. You need to be open to his wants and needs as much as he needs to be open to yours.

I'm not reading a lot of reasons why this is a strong relationship to be honest. 

Your boyfriend stated that he's afraid you'll leave him if he doesn't ask you to marry him. He shouldn't be asking you to marry him just because he's afraid of you breaking up with him. He should do it because he knows in his heart that he wants you for his life partner.

He sounds financially unstable. While I think it's great that he is planning to pay off his loan, it's worrisome to me that he needed to take out a loan for car repairs in the first place and hasn't been able to pay it off in the interim.

You are assuming he can budget for or wants to spend at least $2k on a ring. What if he isn't comfortable with that amount? What if he can't afford it? A ring doesn't need to be expensive and you don't need to use your old engagement ring for the credit. I think you need to talk with him about a budget that he alone is comfortable with.

Marriage isn't just about love and not having problems. Marriage is about mutual respect, friendship, trust, and a willingness to work hard. It seems like you are carrying baggage from previous relationships and you don't fully trust your boyfriend. This is something couples and individual counseling may help you with. My second point is financial stability. While you don't have to be financially stable to have a good marriage...I think stability definitely helps to get you off on the right foot and also lessens the risk of money and stress related fights. You and your boyfriend probably need to have a budget discussion and talk about your mutual goals for long term savings, tax returns, upcoming large expenses, etc.

In short, your engagement should not happen because your boyfriend is afraid. It should happen because you both have a mutual desire to be married and love each other. He should feel confident in his choice, not fearful of what you might do if he doesn't perform exactly like you want him to. It really sounds like you aren't communicating effectively. There are some really great books out there for couples like the "5 Love Languages" and "Love and Respect" (his tone in this book isn't my favorite but he has some good thoughts). A good counselor or even your local minister (if you're religious) is a great resource to talk with about ways to effectively communicate with each other. Sometimes a third party is really helpful in bringing up hidden or hard to discuss issues, and sometimes all you may need is just some tips and guidelines.

phira

@LaPeanut1018 crushing it.

AguaEau

Do you want to be married in general or do you want to marry THIS GUY?  For me that's a big difference.

I agree with previous posters that communication is key, as is looking at why you don't totally believe him when he says what kind of timeline he is thinking of.

loves2shop4shoes

I think the title of this post speaks volumes.  You feel like no one wants to marry you, and you feel that way because of previous relationships.  You're definitely projecting at least some of that onto your current BF, and it seems like he's acutely aware of that.  He's afraid you'll dump him if he doesn't propose!

I do agree with you that there's not much of a point to a long term relationship with someone if you see no future there, BUT I will agree with PPs that just because there's nothing "wrong" with a relationship shouldn't mean it's a marriage-worthy relationship.

Speaking from the other side, I can tell you that marriage is HARD work.  It's not a pretty princess day followed by happily ever after.  Throughout the course of a marriage, horrible things can happen including, but not limited to, financial devastation, infertility, major familial upheaval, death of loved ones, and major health problems.  When you marry someone, you're telling that person that you'd love him through cancer.  You'd take care of him if he became a quadriplegic.  You'd be a faithful and devoted wife if he became so ill he could no longer financially contribute.  It's a HUGE committment.   

Before you even start THINKING about getting married, you need to make sure the person is worth marrying.  And, to be honest, I think you're going into things backwards.  I think you're thinking "I want to get married, so will So and So do?"  It should be, "I've been with So and So for a while, and I really love him.  We have mutual love, trust, respect, consideration, and friendship.  I think he might be the person with whom I want to share the REST of me life."

See the difference?

phira

@loves2shop4shoes really nails it by showing you the question you're (subconsciously) asking, and the question you should be asking. I was having a hard time explaining why I knew I wanted to marry J, and how that "I know I want to marry him" was different from the way I felt about my previous relationships.

And it's really down to what Shoes said. In previous relationships, it really felt like, "I know I eventually want to be married, so is this guy going to be the right person for me? Let's watch and see." Whereas with J, it turned into, "Damn, this guy is awesome. I want to spend the rest of my life with him."

AuroraRose41

rlcaver said: I'm sure it's a bit of both. 
The majority of it most likely is because of old relationships. 
My bf is mostly trust worthy, just a lot of things on the subject don't match up. Like my earlier example of telling me that the tax return was going to be used for a ring, and then he tacked on a lot of other items to use the money for and there just isn't enough money to cover everything, so it just makes me wonder which one he really means, and intends on doing. 
 
***************************************************************
I think PP's mentioned some of this, but the things that he wants to spend his tax return on seem like valid things to pay off before even thinking about buying a ring or getting married. 

My BF started talking about buying a ring over a year ago, with no prompt from me (he caught me off guard). We started looking at them and I determined what I liked. And you what happened? 

He was in a car accident. That totaled his car. And the insurance company wouldn't pay for repairs initially, and wouldn't total it either because the adjuster didn't do their job properly to determine that it was actually totaled. He had to get a lawyer and pay expensive legal fees to fight with the insurance company all while not having reliable transportation of his own. He didn't have the money to set aside to buy me a ring, because that money was spent on legal fees and saving up to buy a new car in case he had to dump the other one. I was disappointed, but you know what? Having to not deal with the stress of this anymore and not pay those legal fees was more important for him and for me than a ring on my finger ever was. 

I knew he loved me, and I loved him, and we would be together and get through this, and then could start thinking about a ring and marriage. Things like this will always happen in life, and figuring out priorities as a couple will help your relationship get stronger. 

ETF: boxes don't seem to want to work for me

lilacck28

So, you mentioned not really trusting that your partner really wants to marry you, that maybe he's just telling you what you want to hear. I get that. There was a part of me that worried about that too! (because I'm generally a neurotic over thinker.)The way I combated this was frequent (and casual) communication with my FI about it. And I told him that I was worried he was just telling me what I wanted to hear! And he said "no, I mean it." After that, you have to trust him.
 
After our initial timeline talk (which happened very early on in the relationship. I was hard core, and super upfront about what I needed from him, and what I wanted out of life), say a commercial would come up about weddings... and I'd giggle and he'd hug/ poke me... and then I'd say "do you still feel the same way about the timeline? Spring time? It's coming up soon, and it really is okay if you feel a little differently, I just want to be on the same page!"  and he'd say "well, I was thinking, maybe I want to finish grad school first before the wedding, what do you think?" or "yeah, in a year still sounds good" or "yes, I love you, yeah Spring time is coming up soon... want to go ring shopping?" And I would say "okay, love you." and tell him how I felt.

No yelling. No accusations. Just, what are your thoughts? Here are my thoughts. All with the constant, "you already know I don't want to wait 5 years, so with that in mind, where do you stand? I am in this with you, and your feelings matter to me" type of vibe.

Maybe you need to sit 'em down and tell him... "you're the best ever. I love you. there's no rush... As long as it doesn't take 5 (or 3, or whatever number) years. *ETA this line should not happen often, once he knows it, he knows it! And when its said or repeated, it should be very light hearted I want to know how you feel, I don't want you to fee like you can't tell me things..." and see what happens.

Honestly... my fears with FI were always just my neurosis, and I knew it. Communication has been EASY with him. Everything has been easy with him! That's the main reason I was sure this was it... a relationship that would last, because we are on the same wavelength, and when we have a disagreement... we know it will be handled easily. I never really felt like I was nagging, because FI has treated me well, and lets me know how much he adores me. If you're not getting that in your relationship, then that's an issue.

ps- the thing that ultimately reassured me FI meant it when he said he wanted to marry me? Before actually getting engaged, I saw an advertisement for disney weddings. I showed it to him. He knows I love disney... (though I never actually wanted to get married there.) But he said, quite vehemently "NO. We are not doing that. I don't' want to get married there. I like the brunch idea better." It was the first time he shared a particular opinion about getting married. He's so easy going, and I talk more than he does... he usually just agrees with me when it comes to event details, wedding things... talking about houses.

maxy2013

I started dating my H in high school. We were together 14 years before we got married. Before I turned 20, I knew I wanted to be with him. We had a lot of fun in our 20s, did a lot of traveling, took cruises, saw the world together, etc. I talked about marriage throughout the years and I was told we would get married. I never rushed it, but I was happy, so being married wasn't my goal. I was engaged at 29 and married 4 months after he proposed. Had our son less than a year later. You can say we took the next step. We were both ready and we took the leap.

Moral of the story is to just BE HAPPY with your current relationship. I can't imagine being frustrated all the time; that's not what relationships are about. They are about "relating" with one another. Doing fun things and growing as a couple. Eventually, you begin to think alike and finish each others sentences, etc. It's funny. When you're both ready, you take the leap, together.

Good luck and I hope everything works out.