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Not Engaged Yet
rlcaver
member
I feel like no one wants to marry me.
So, a few months back, my boyfriend told me that he was planning to get my engagement ring with money from tax returns. Which is wonderful of him to say, but I feel like that is all it really is.. talk.
The reason he told me this to begin with is because I was once before engaged to someone else, we were together five years and I found out he was cheating and called it all off. I kept the ring since he was cheating and the ring is from Kay's Jewelers. Kay's has a policy that you can exchange the ring full value towards new diamonds as long as you spend double the amount, but you get that credit. So my ring is a $2,000 ring, basically we get $4k worth of diamonds for half price. So he needs my old ring and all the paperwork and my permission to take the ring back in order to get me a new one. So he told me this was plan as soon as tax season was here.
However, at the same time, he talks of all these other plans he has with the tax return money we are expecting to get. He wants to move out of our apartment and rent a house instead, he wants to pay off a loan that we took out last year to get some car work done. And basically pay off a few other bills. This just isn't enough money to take care of all these things. So it makes me wonder if he only said he was getting the ring to like.. shut me up about it. lol
When I was engaged before, we were together for five years. After him, I was with another guy for two years. I ended things with the second guy because he also wanted to wait like five years to even think about marriage and after my first fiance that just wasn't going to fly with me. Like he couldn't even say if he was thinking about marriage, we were together two years already and he had no idea if I was "the one" and that just seemed ridiculous to me. I'm not saying you have to propose right then but you should be able to at least tell if you want to, or see it in the future.
In a few fights that we have had over time, my boyfriend has admitted to me that he is afraid that I'm going to "get tired of waiting" and leave him if he doesn't propose fast enough. Which totally isn't true. I'm willing to wait for it, just not five years just for him to even start the thought process.
I think what bothers me the most is that with each long term relationship I have, I'm always told "I can't yet" whether it's money or timing or whatever the issue. they always say they can't do it. However, once the relationship ends and they find a new girlfriend, they're married within months.. MONTHS. When I had to wait years. My ex fiance married his new g/f after 6 months and is now expecting a baby, the guy after that, married his new g/f within 4 months. My boyfriend now, married his ex wife after 6 months. I'm starting to feel un-marriageable.
Thoughts? Is this my problem or a guys problem?? Are a lot of guys like this??
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I feel like no one wants to marry me.
Can I ask how old you are?
If the answers are a definite, "yes, I love him, I want to be with him forever, Isee how the other guys didn't match what I wanted/ needed in xyz ways, wherease this relationship does give me those things, and I don't want to change him because he suitsme so well.....and I can see a happy compatible future with him".... then what @Swazzle said.
Communicate with your BF. Let him know you love him, and want to marry him, but that you see he wants to spend the tax return on other things. If it were me, I'd tell him-- I approve! Paying off debt is important. But gently tell him that it's hard to be told one thing but know it won't happen (as in, the tax return money is not going to be used for the ring.) Open up a timeline convo. Ask him when he'd ideally get engaged/ married/ buy a house/ have kids if that's something you're interested in. Tell him your thoughts (i.e. you don't want to wait 5 years to get married, but you don't want to rush him either that if you're not waiting 5 years only to be let down, then you're fine with waiting. Then tell him your preference -- get engaged within a year? married in 2? whatever your - realistic- ideal is.) If your ideal timelines don't match up, then one of you or both of you need to compromise.
Maybe your exes got married right away because they found the ONE. Obviously you weren't their "one" since it didn't work out. Why begrudge them that?
You've wanted to marry each guy you've been with. Why? Why do you want to marry them? Answer me that.
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If you have an open line of communication with your BF, there's nothing wrong with saying 'hey, awhile back you said you were going to use your tax refund to purchase an engagement ring, but then you also said you wanted to get your loans paid off. There really isn't enough money to do ALL of that, can we set up a plan and a timeline?'. If you do not have an open line of communication - well that's a whole different problem and you're probably not really ready for that engagement until you do learn how to communicate effectively with him.
I agree with previous posters that communication is key, as is looking at why you don't totally believe him when he says what kind of timeline he is thinking of.
I do agree with you that there's not much of a point to a long term relationship with someone if you see no future there, BUT I will agree with PPs that just because there's nothing "wrong" with a relationship shouldn't mean it's a marriage-worthy relationship.
Speaking from the other side, I can tell you that marriage is HARD work. It's not a pretty princess day followed by happily ever after. Throughout the course of a marriage, horrible things can happen including, but not limited to, financial devastation, infertility, major familial upheaval, death of loved ones, and major health problems. When you marry someone, you're telling that person that you'd love him through cancer. You'd take care of him if he became a quadriplegic. You'd be a faithful and devoted wife if he became so ill he could no longer financially contribute. It's a HUGE committment.
Before you even start THINKING about getting married, you need to make sure the person is worth marrying. And, to be honest, I think you're going into things backwards. I think you're thinking "I want to get married, so will So and So do?" It should be, "I've been with So and So for a while, and I really love him. We have mutual love, trust, respect, consideration, and friendship. I think he might be the person with whom I want to share the REST of me life."
See the difference?
The majority of it most likely is because of old relationships.
My bf is mostly trust worthy, just a lot of things on the subject don't match up. Like my earlier example of telling me that the tax return was going to be used for a ring, and then he tacked on a lot of other items to use the money for and there just isn't enough money to cover everything, so it just makes me wonder which one he really means, and intends on doing.
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I think PP's mentioned some of this, but the things that he wants to spend his tax return on seem like valid things to pay off before even thinking about buying a ring or getting married.
After our initial timeline talk (which happened very early on in the relationship. I was hard core, and super upfront about what I needed from him, and what I wanted out of life), say a commercial would come up about weddings... and I'd giggle and he'd hug/ poke me... and then I'd say "do you still feel the same way about the timeline? Spring time? It's coming up soon, and it really is okay if you feel a little differently, I just want to be on the same page!" and he'd say "well, I was thinking, maybe I want to finish grad school first before the wedding, what do you think?" or "yeah, in a year still sounds good" or "yes, I love you, yeah Spring time is coming up soon... want to go ring shopping?" And I would say "okay, love you." and tell him how I felt.
No yelling. No accusations. Just, what are your thoughts? Here are my thoughts. All with the constant, "you already know I don't want to wait 5 years, so with that in mind, where do you stand? I am in this with you, and your feelings matter to me" type of vibe.
Maybe you need to sit 'em down and tell him... "you're the best ever. I love you. there's no rush... As long as it doesn't take 5 (or 3, or whatever number) years. *ETA this line should not happen often, once he knows it, he knows it! And when its said or repeated, it should be very light hearted I want to know how you feel, I don't want you to fee like you can't tell me things..." and see what happens.
Honestly... my fears with FI were always just my neurosis, and I knew it. Communication has been EASY with him. Everything has been easy with him! That's the main reason I was sure this was it... a relationship that would last, because we are on the same wavelength, and when we have a disagreement... we know it will be handled easily. I never really felt like I was nagging, because FI has treated me well, and lets me know how much he adores me. If you're not getting that in your relationship, then that's an issue.
ps- the thing that ultimately reassured me FI meant it when he said he wanted to marry me? Before actually getting engaged, I saw an advertisement for disney weddings. I showed it to him. He knows I love disney... (though I never actually wanted to get married there.) But he said, quite vehemently "NO. We are not doing that. I don't' want to get married there. I like the brunch idea better." It was the first time he shared a particular opinion about getting married. He's so easy going, and I talk more than he does... he usually just agrees with me when it comes to event details, wedding things... talking about houses.