Not inviting best friends spouse

Chachi21784

Im getting married next year in October. Initially I had thought to ask one of my best friends to be my Matron of Honor but have had some reservations in the past 6 months or so. I'll still have her as a bridesmaid (if she agrees) but do not want her husband attending any of the events that weekend. There is a lot of inappropriate history with several unsolicited sexual advances. I don't like him and will not feel comfortable with him anywhere around. So on to my questions, can I invite my best friend while specifically excluding her husband? I know that with wedding etiquette they are a package deal, should I just not invite my best friend and exclude her from the wedding as well?

hellohkb

If she is your best friend, why would you exclude her?

lovegood90

They are a package deal. It's either both or neither.

phira

I mean, if her husband sexually harasses you, that, to me, is an appropriate reason to not want him around on your wedding day. Even though it's super highly unlikely that he would even have the chance to harass you on your wedding day, it's still kind of squicky to have to invite him.

However, how much of this does your friend already know? If your friend is aware of the issues, then I would tell her, "Friend, I love you dearly, but as you know, I'm uncomfortable being around your husband because of how he's treated me. I can't invite him to the wedding. I understand if this means you can't attend, although I hope you will."

Either she'll understand or she won't, but listen: I absolutely cannot imagine a friend of mine coming to me and telling me that my husband was harassing her and not be caring and supportive and all, "HELL FUCKING NO gonna go cut him." From the little information you've given, it sounds like if she does know, she's not really doing much of anything about the situation. Granted, it's his fault, but there is an obligation if you're a friend, family member, or spouse of someone who's abusive (and sexual harassment falls under that umbrella) to protect others.

If you haven't spoken to your friend about any of this, I think that you are better off sucking it up and inviting both of them.

However, I don't know enough about the situation to really advise you, and I actually don't want to pressure you for more details, or play some sort of, "Well, how far over the line does he have to go for it to be bad enough?"

Most importantly: Do not ask her to be a bridesmaid. You do not want to extend this kind of honor to her and then exclude her spouse. It'll be a huge faux pas and she might feel pressured to attend to avoid backing out of the bridal party, and you don't want that.

holyguacamole79

Chachi21784 said:

Im getting married next year in October. Initially I had thought to ask one of my best friends to be my Matron of Honor but have had some reservations in the past 6 months or so. I'll still have her as a bridesmaid (if she agrees) but do not want her husband attending any of the events that weekend. There is a lot of inappropriate history with several unsolicited sexual advances. I don't like him and will not feel comfortable with him anywhere around. So on to my questions, can I invite my best friend while specifically excluding her husband? I know that with wedding etiquette they are a package deal, should I just not invite my best friend and exclude her from the wedding as well?

Has he made these advances while married? Does she know about it? This needs to be something you address with her as your best friend - leave your wedding out of it for now.

Chachi21784

She knows everything that happened. It's been a couple years but I've blocked him on facebook and my phone so there is no contact. When I told her everything that went down, his excuse was that I was her best friend and therefore he considered me a second wife. She actually laughed this off as a joke. Thank you for your response.

And yes these advances happened while they were married.

AlexisA01

Chachi21784 said:

She knows everything that happened. It's been a couple years but I've blocked him on facebook and my phone so there is no contact. When I told her everything that went down, his excuse was that I was her best friend and therefore he considered me a second wife. She actually laughed this off as a joke. Thank you for your response.

And yes these advances happened while they were married.

I agree with @phira. 

CMGragain

When I wss young, I remember my mother and her best friend from next door were bedding over the bed, examining a dress Mother had just bought.  My father came in, and absent-mindedly patted the familiar bottom.  He was halfway out of the room when he froze, suddenly realizing that he had patted the wrong bottom.  Our neighbor thought it was hilarious!

Yes, you have to invite him. 

phira

CMGragain said:

When I wss young, I remember my mother and her best friend from next door were bedding over the bed, examining a dress Mother had just bought.  My father came in, and absent-mindedly patted the familiar bottom.  He was halfway out of the room when he froze, suddenly realizing that he had patted the wrong bottom.  Our neighbor thought it was hilarious!

Yes, you have to invite him. 

Um, so, this doesn't even sound like it's remotely the same thing as what the OP is describing. Her friend's husband is knowingly making her uncomfortable, and her friend thinks it's funny. That's honestly, for me, grounds for ending a friendship, not just something the OP should laugh over.

hellohkb

AlexisA01 said:

Chachi21784 said:

She knows everything that happened. It's been a couple years but I've blocked him on facebook and my phone so there is no contact. When I told her everything that went down, his excuse was that I was her best friend and therefore he considered me a second wife. She actually laughed this off as a joke. Thank you for your response.

And yes these advances happened while they were married.

I agree with @phira. 

I also agree with phira. I didn't realize she knew about it. This woman honestly doesn't sound like that great of a friend to you, op.

AlexisA01

phira said:

CMGragain said:

When I wss young, I remember my mother and her best friend from next door were bedding over the bed, examining a dress Mother had just bought.  My father came in, and absent-mindedly patted the familiar bottom.  He was halfway out of the room when he froze, suddenly realizing that he had patted the wrong bottom.  Our neighbor thought it was hilarious!

Yes, you have to invite him. 

Um, so, this doesn't even sound like it's remotely the same thing as what the OP is describing. Her friend's husband is knowingly making her uncomfortable, and her friend thinks it's funny. That's honestly, for me, grounds for ending a friendship, not just something the OP should laugh over.

This above! The guy is deliberately making her feel uncomfortable. It's not an accident. You are right and bring up point, if my friend was laughing at me telling her that her husband was hitting on me, would exit out the friendship.

bethsmiles

Why are you still friends (let alone best friends) with a woman who is okay with her husband making you uncomfortable through sexual harassment?

Cut ties with her and then this becomes a non-issue.

Fran1985

CMGragain said:

When I wss young, I remember my mother and her best friend from next door were bedding over the bed, examining a dress Mother had just bought.  My father came in, and absent-mindedly patted the familiar bottom.  He was halfway out of the room when he froze, suddenly realizing that he had patted the wrong bottom.  Our neighbor thought it was hilarious!

Yes, you have to invite him. 

Not even close to the same thing, and extremely inappropriate to even make the comparison. 

abbyj700

bethsmiles said:

Why are you still friends with (let alone best friends) with a woman who is okay with her husband making you uncomfortable through sexual harassment?

Cut ties with her and then this becomes a non-issue.

This.

Two of our best friends are getting married next fall. We have a SUPER close relationship with them. They often spend nights in our home, go out to dinners together, watch football, etc. We are in dart leagues together, fantasy football leagues together, me and the soon to be Mrs. do crafts together, go on girls nights together...seriously she is absolutely one of my absolute best friends. When they were having issues about a year ago - she stayed at our home for a few nights. We always joke that if she came home and me and her FI were cooking dinner together or curled up on the couch watching a movie together - she wouldn't think anything of it and vice versa for us. We even goof around and use the words "sister wife."

If her FI ever said anything or touched me in a way that made me uncomfortable you can bet your ass I would tell her. And I assure you I'd be getting an apology and at the very least he'd be in the dog house with a postponed wedding date. 

If this woman loves you, she should not be laughing off sexual harassment and saying it happened for ANY reason that implies blame on you.

climbingsingle

I had a friend whose husband sexually assaulted me. When I told her about it, she first defended him. Then she also laughed it off as a misunderstanding. She's no longer my friend. 

I'd have a hard time remaining friends with this girl if she didn't take your concerns seriously. This guy sounds like a slime. I personally think you're totally fine to invite just her and not him. But again, I'd seriously question my friendship with her. 

emmaaa

What I don't understand is how you still consider her your best friend. If my "best friend's" husband made sexual advances towards me that made me feel uncomfortable and then laughed them off when I told her about it, I would no longer  be comfortable around her either. I don't think you should invite either one of them.

And I just had a thought, maybe they want you to have a threesome with them.

holyguacamole79

I'm also amazed that you're still best friends with her, and yet you're able to maintain a friendship and not have contact with her husband. I can't think of a friendship I have where the husband is not somehow in the picture.

carrie0924

Oh yikes. I pretty much agree with everything already said.... this guy is a dirtbag, and she's possibly too naive to see him for his true colors. The alternative is she sees him for who he is, but doesn't care because the arrangement is beneficial for her (maybe he makes good money, she has some financial security and looks the other way at his extra curricular activities.. or she's super insecure and just doesn't want to be alone and will settle for any jerk that's willing to have her...). I don't know if my opinion would be any different if these inappropriate advances happened before their wedding or not... inappropriate, unwanted advances from anybody are jerkbag moves regardless of his marital status, but it does say something even more about him that he would do this WHILE MARRIED TO YOUR BEST FRIEND! And maybe he was testing the waters for a threesome.... I would ditch this friend. Unfortunately, you can't invite one without the other, and I wouldn't want these creep at my wedding.

beethery

CMGragain said:

When I wss young, I remember my mother and her best friend from next door were bedding over the bed, examining a dress Mother had just bought.  My father came in, and absent-mindedly patted the familiar bottom.  He was halfway out of the room when he froze, suddenly realizing that he had patted the wrong bottom.  Our neighbor thought it was hilarious!

Yes, you have to invite him. 

Not even remotely the same thing. Out of touch, when not related to old etiquette or attire guidelines, as usual.

yogapants

CMGragain said:

When I wss young, I remember my mother and her best friend from next door were bedding over the bed, examining a dress Mother had just bought.  My father came in, and absent-mindedly patted the familiar bottom.  He was halfway out of the room when he froze, suddenly realizing that he had patted the wrong bottom.  Our neighbor thought it was hilarious!

Yes, you have to invite him. 

It's really tactless to share unrelated anecdotes about everydamnthing. At best. At worst, potentially harmful to the OP, since you're telling her that she's being silly and dramatic about sexual harrassment.

lovegood90

phira said:

CMGragain said:

When I wss young, I remember my mother and her best friend from next door were bedding over the bed, examining a dress Mother had just bought.  My father came in, and absent-mindedly patted the familiar bottom.  He was halfway out of the room when he froze, suddenly realizing that he had patted the wrong bottom.  Our neighbor thought it was hilarious!

Yes, you have to invite him. 

Um, so, this doesn't even sound like it's remotely the same thing as what the OP is describing. Her friend's husband is knowingly making her uncomfortable, and her friend thinks it's funny. That's honestly, for me, grounds for ending a friendship, not just something the OP should laugh over.

Yeah, what kind of fucked up comparison is this?! "Oh one time someone I knew had this happen by mistake and we laughed it off, therefore EVERY SITUATION REMOTELY SIMILAR TO THIS IS THE EXACT SAME."

WTF just no.

flutteringinfl

CMGragain said:

When I wss young, I remember my mother and her best friend from next door were bedding over the bed, examining a dress Mother had just bought.  My father came in, and absent-mindedly patted the familiar bottom.  He was halfway out of the room when he froze, suddenly realizing that he had patted the wrong bottom.  Our neighbor thought it was hilarious!

Yes, you have to invite him. 

I know everyone else has expressed rightful shock at this statement, but I'm genuinely curious as to what made you think this was an appropriate comparison.

PrettyGirlLost

carrie0924 said:

Oh yikes. I pretty much agree with everything already said.... this guy is a dirtbag, and she's possibly too naive to see him for his true colors. The alternative is she sees him for who he is, but doesn't care because the arrangement is beneficial for her (maybe he makes good money, she has some financial security and looks the other way at his extra curricular activities.. or she's super insecure and just doesn't want to be alone and will settle for any jerk that's willing to have her...). I don't know if my opinion would be any different if these inappropriate advances happened before their wedding or not... inappropriate, unwanted advances from anybody are jerkbag moves regardless of his marital status, but it does say something even more about him that he would do this WHILE MARRIED TO YOUR BEST FRIEND! And maybe he was testing the waters for a threesome.... I would ditch this friend. Unfortunately, you can't invite one without the other, and I wouldn't want these creep at my wedding.

No.  She's probably choosing to be in denial.  And you are probably not the only person he has harassed or propositioned.

lyndausvi

All decisions, good or bad, come with consequences.

That is just life.   You can not invite him to the wedding. In this circumstance I think it's understandable.  However, that does not mean your valid choice doesn't come with consequences.   BFF might agree, she might be hurt and decline.    

At the end of the day it's your choice.  Make sure you own your choice, whatever it might be.  You can be slightly disappointed if she declines, but you can't be mad.  It could be relationship ending, you need to understand that could happen.    

 You did say "any events during the weekend".  I'm not sure if this is an OOT wedding or what, but that I would make a difference for me too.    I'm  not sure I could ask a married friend to spend an entire weekend away from their spouse for a wedding.   Just something to think about.

I just have no words about CMG's response.    Well none that will not get me a warning.

Jen4948

@CMGragain‌ aside (yes, your situation is totally different), I agree that being sexually harassed is one of the few exceptions to the rule about inviting couples together.

I agree that she may well feel hurt enough over this that it could negatively affect your friendship, but...why do you consider someone who laughed at her husband's sexually harassing you a "best friend," let alone want her in your wedding party? If I were in your situation I would have told her when she laughed about it that I was pressing assault charges against her husband-and followed through.

slothiegal

Holy shit.  You've got bigger problems than not wanting to invite the husband.

Ditch this friend.

And I'm just going to pretend I didn't see CMG's comment about her hilllllarious experience that has absolutely nothing to do with this situation.

KatieinBkln

Save yourself the grief:

Do not ask this woman to be your MOH/bridesmaid. 

Slowly phase her enabling ass out of your life. 

Don't invite either of the Creeper Couple to your wedding.

Eat cake.

princessofgenovia

My best friend's now husband often jokes about how he "married the both of us" because we're so close to each other. However he never said anything even remotely inappropriate to me. I don't feel uncomfortable around him at all.

I agree with the others I don't really see the point of having this woman as your friend if she's laughing off sexual harassment. If someone told me my FI made sexual advances towards them I would not be laughing.

VulgarGirl

CMGragain said:

When I wss young, I remember my mother and her best friend from next door were bedding over the bed, examining a dress Mother had just bought.  My father came in, and absent-mindedly patted the familiar bottom.  He was halfway out of the room when he froze, suddenly realizing that he had patted the wrong bottom.  Our neighbor thought it was hilarious!

Yes, you have to invite him. 

sophhabobopha

CMGragain said:

When I wss young, I remember my mother and her best friend from next door were bedding over the bed, examining a dress Mother had just bought.  My father came in, and absent-mindedly patted the familiar bottom.  He was halfway out of the room when he froze, suddenly realizing that he had patted the wrong bottom.  Our neighbor thought it was hilarious!

Yes, you have to invite him. 

Viczaesar

CMGragain said:

When I wss young, I remember my mother and her best friend from next door were bedding over the bed, examining a dress Mother had just bought.  My father came in, and absent-mindedly patted the familiar bottom.  He was halfway out of the room when he froze, suddenly realizing that he had patted the wrong bottom.  Our neighbor thought it was hilarious!

Yes, you have to invite him. 

What.the.fuck.  How on earth could you possibly think this is EITHER relevant OR appropriate to post in this thread, @CMGragain???