How to...un-bridesmaid a bridesmaid?

paigemarieRN

Probably a pretty sensitive topic here, but anyone have advice on how to ask a bridesmaid to not be a bridesmaid any more? Especially if she is one of your fiance's sisters? 

When we got engaged in August, I was so excited to ask her, and we had never had any issues. In the 4 months since then, we have had a lot of problems in that time. Her priorities are very self-centered and immature (despite being married and with two children), and has not made any effort towards helping with the wedding at all. 

My other bridesmaids have flown across the country to attend our engagement party, while she said she couldn't get a babysitter, but went and partied that night with friends. She said she was worried she couldn't afford a bridesmaids dress or shoes and would need help paying (for a < $100 dress), but recently got a new (very large and unsightly) tattoo and brand new diamond wedding ring set. There is much more, but these are a few of the major things that have bothered me. Aside from those, her marriage has been in turmoil, and when this has happened in the past, she has gotten pregnant to "fix it". So we are betting she will become pregnant in the upcoming year in order to "fix her marriage", and draw all attention on herself. 

I really don't want to ruin our relationship since she will be in our life, and her daughter is our flower girl, but I don't want her negativity and difficult attitude to affect the wedding overall. Am I just being selfish and should overlook these things? Or are these things I have a right to be concerned about? If so, what would be the right way to go about asking her to leave the wedding party without ruining our relationship? My thought is to make it about her..."I don't want you to worry about money, I don't want you to worry about time commitments, etc."

Thank you!

mikenberger

Overlook it all. You made your bed and now you must get in and snuggle and love it. She has no duties but to show up on time and be happyish.

Removing her from your bridal party will forever alter your relationship and since she's your FI sister, you definitely don't want to do that. You didn't have to ask her to be a bridesmaid. This is why we constantly preach that here

And the tattoo comment? Boo to you. Its her body. She can alter it in whatever fashion she chooses even if its going to show on your wedding day.

Jen4948

If you throw her out as a bridesmaid, you risk endangering your relationships with her and your in-laws on a permanent basis.

Given your attitude towards her, why did you even ask her to be one of your bridesmaids in the first place? I get the impression that you did so only to make your fiance and his family happy. If so, that was the wrong reason to ask her. The criteria for asking anyone to be in your wedding party is that they are the people you love and feel closest to. If your fiance wanted her to be in the wedding party he could have asked her to stand up with him.

paigemarieRN

That's the thing, I didn't have any of these problems with her before. I was excited for her to be a bridesmaid. She has pulled a full 180 in the past few months, and no one in the family saw it coming. 

mikenberger

paigemarieRN said:

That's the thing, I didn't have any of these problems with her before. I was excited for her to be a bridesmaid. She has pulled a full 180 in the past few months, and no one in the family saw it coming. 

People don't just 180 change unless she's psychotic. Has anybody talked to her about these recent changes?

nicole4793

Is it possible that you can sit down and talk to her about these changes without a single mention of your wedding? Maybe something is going on in her life that she needs to talk about with a friend. Or maybe I'm totally wrong haha! I think that kicking her out of the wedding would be very damaging with the relationships with your future in-laws. It sucks that she skipped your engagement party to go out with her own friends, but her only responsibility is to show up in her dress on the day of the wedding. It's great that you have other friends that are more than happy to help out with additonal things! 

misshart00

paigemarieRN said:

That's the thing, I didn't have any of these problems with her before. I was excited for her to be a bridesmaid. She has pulled a full 180 in the past few months, and no one in the family saw it coming. 

How did she pull a 180 in the past four months if she always gets pregnant to fix her marriage?

climbingsingle

Do not kick her out. You will most likely permanently damage your relationship with her and your in-laws. Is that really worth it? These people are going to be in your lives forever.

I think you are way overreacting about these things. And you come off pretty judgmental of her. Let it go and have a margarita.

atlastmrsg

"I really don't want to ruin our relationship since she will be in our life, and her daughter is our flower girl."

Removing her from your wedding party will destroy both of these things.  It's a friendship ending move, so you'll be out her friendship/any relationship, her family will hate you, and you definitely won't have a flower girl.  So consider your decision accordingly.

AddieCake

You are crazy if you think there is any way to pull this off without fallout.

southernbelle0915

paigemarieRN said:

Probably a pretty sensitive topic here, but anyone have advice on how to ask a bridesmaid to not be a bridesmaid any more? Especially if she is one of your fiance's sisters? 

When we got engaged in August, I was so excited to ask her, and we had never had any issues. In the 4 months since then, we have had a lot of problems in that time. Her priorities are very self-centered and immature (despite being married and with two children), and has not made any effort towards helping with the wedding at all. 

My other bridesmaids have flown across the country to attend our engagement party, while she said she couldn't get a babysitter, but went and partied that night with friends. She said she was worried she couldn't afford a bridesmaids dress or shoes and would need help paying (for a < $100 dress), but recently got a new (very large and unsightly) tattoo and brand new diamond wedding ring set. There is much more, but these are a few of the major things that have bothered me. Aside from those, her marriage has been in turmoil, and when this has happened in the past, she has gotten pregnant to "fix it". So we are betting she will become pregnant in the upcoming year in order to "fix her marriage", and draw all attention on herself. 

I really don't want to ruin our relationship since she will be in our life, and her daughter is our flower girl, but I don't want her negativity and difficult attitude to affect the wedding overall. Am I just being selfish and should overlook these things? Or are these things I have a right to be concerned about? If so, what would be the right way to go about asking her to leave the wedding party without ruining our relationship? My thought is to make it about her..."I don't want you to worry about money, I don't want you to worry about time commitments, etc."

Thank you!

JIC

Plus and also, kicking her out will cause a ton of drama and lasting damage to your relationships with your in-laws. Is it worth it? Spoiler alert...no. Stop judging her and expecting her to help you.

MairePoppy

Did you ask each of your bms about their dress budgets, privately, prior to selecting a bm dress? That was your responsibility to them. As far as her spending her own money on rings and tattoos goes, that's none of your business. It's her money; she can burn it in the fireplace if she wants.

So you think she might get pregnant to save her marriage? None of your business and very, very hurtful. Family members shouldn't be gossiping about your FSIL getting pregnant to save her marriage. That's not only disrespectful to her and her husband, it's disrespectful to her children.

She missed the engagement party and went out with friends, instead? My feelings would be hurt, too. But she isn't obligated to attend any event except your wedding. I know you have a litany of other offenses, but try to remember that you will probably be sitting at the same table as your FSIL for holiday dinners for many years to come. Do you really want to be the bride who used her wedding to cause strife between family members? I didn't think so.

redoryx

paigemarieRN said:

My other bridesmaids have flown across the country to attend our engagement party, while she said she couldn't get a babysitter, but went and partied that night with friends. She said she was worried she couldn't afford a bridesmaids dress or shoes and would need help paying (for a < $100 dress), but recently got a new (very large and unsightly) tattoo and brand new diamond wedding ring set. There is much more, but these are a few of the major things that have bothered me. Aside from those, her marriage has been in turmoil, and when this has happened in the past, she has gotten pregnant to "fix it". So we are betting she will become pregnant in the upcoming year in order to "fix her marriage", and draw all attention on herself. 

Completely and totally irrelevant. For all you know she's been saving up for awhile for both of those with the intention of getting the tattoo and jewelry and, what, she should suddenly not be able to get those just because you happened to get engaged? Yeah, nope, sorry, not how it works. What she does with her money is none of your business. I budget and save for big ticket items and so, sure, from the outside it may look like I could easily drop $100 on a dress but that doesn't mean I actually can or want to.

Did you ask her for her budget privately and prior to selecting the dress? 

CMGragain

paigemarieRN said:

Probably a pretty sensitive topic here, but anyone have advice on how to ask a bridesmaid to not be a bridesmaid any more? Especially if she is one of your fiance's sisters? 

When we got engaged in August, I was so excited to ask her, and we had never had any issues. In the 4 months since then, we have had a lot of problems in that time. Her priorities are very self-centered and immature (despite being married and with two children), and has not made any effort towards helping with the wedding at all. 

My other bridesmaids have flown across the country to attend our engagement party, while she said she couldn't get a babysitter, but went and partied that night with friends. She said she was worried she couldn't afford a bridesmaids dress or shoes and would need help paying (for a < $100 dress), but recently got a new (very large and unsightly) tattoo and brand new diamond wedding ring set. There is much more, but these are a few of the major things that have bothered me. Aside from those, her marriage has been in turmoil, and when this has happened in the past, she has gotten pregnant to "fix it". So we are betting she will become pregnant in the upcoming year in order to "fix her marriage", and draw all attention on herself. 

I really don't want to ruin our relationship since she will be in our life, and her daughter is our flower girl, but I don't want her negativity and difficult attitude to affect the wedding overall. Am I just being selfish and should overlook these things? Or are these things I have a right to be concerned about? If so, what would be the right way to go about asking her to leave the wedding party without ruining our relationship? My thought is to make it about her..."I don't want you to worry about money, I don't want you to worry about time commitments, etc."

Thank you!

1.  It is YOUR wedding.  You plan it.  Bridesmaids are not unpaid helpers.  Their job is to stand up with you, sober and dressed in the dress, and to smile for your pictures.  That is all.

2.  It is none of your business how she spends her own money.  Butt out.

3.  The pregnancy comment is one of the nastier comments I have seen on the Knot.  Who the hell are you to judge when and why she has a baby?

4.  You don't want to ruin your relationship?  WHAT relationship?  You have trash talked her on this board.  Have you repeated this garbage to anyone else?  It makes you sound childish, immature, and very selfish.

If you go ahead and kick her out of your wedding, you will look like a self centered witch.  (Oops - little type-o, there.)  If you talk about her to ANYONE like you have written about her here, I don't give your marriage much chance.  She is your future sister-in-law, for God's sake!  Get over yourself.  I am disgusted!

LadyMillil

I was supposed to be MOH at my sister's wedding. She kicked me out of the bridal party, promoted another BM to MOH and found a replacement BM so the sides would still be even, all because I couldn't afford the required attire. I was so hurt by this that I haven't spoken to her in 7 months. She made it clear to me that her "perfect wedding" was important to her than having me stand by her side and that has caused unrepairable damage to our relationship. As PPs have said, you can remove her from your bridal party but it will severally damage your relationship with your FSIL and future in laws.

lc07

LadyMillil said:

I was supposed to be MOH at my sister's wedding. She kicked me out of the bridal party, promoted another BM to MOH and found a replacement BM so the sides would still be even, all because I couldn't afford the required attire. I was so hurt by this that I haven't spoken to her in 7 months. She made it clear to me that her "perfect wedding" was important to her than having me stand by her side and that has caused unrepairable damage to our relationship. As PPs have said, you can remove her from your bridal party but it will severally damage your relationship with your FSIL and future in laws.

That is horrible! I am so sorry your sister did that to you. I would be absolutely heartbroken.

Liatris2010

Your FSIL hasn't done anything wrong. So what if she doesn't want to plan your wedding or attend your parties? Why is that such a big deal that you would risk ruining relationships with her, and your future in-laws. How does your FI feel about kicking his sister out?

lunardaydreaming

I'll cut to the chase and agree with PPs: there's no way to "un-bridesmaid" that bridesmaid without really causing serious damage. If you think about it, what's the worst thing that's going to happen if she's in your wedding party? She has a visible tattoo that you don't like, so your wedding is ruined? She missed your engagement party, so you're going to have a miserable time at your wedding? What's the worst thing that can happen if you "un-bridesmaid" her? You damage your relationship with her for the foreseeable future. You damage your relationship with your entire family of in-laws. Seems like a clear choice.

dcbride86

You seem like a pretty mean person.  I'm sorry that your bridesmaid is so "selfish" that she prioritizes having a babysitter for her children over your engagement party.  Also - why would you have your bridesmaids travel across the country for an ENGAGEMENT PARTY??  when I had mine, I made sure to stress that my BMs should not feel pressured all to attend my engagement party, or any other pre-wedding event.  Their only "duty" is to show up to the wedding in the dress I ordered for them.

peachy13

Still trying to reel in from the fact that you think your FSIL has "self-centered and immature (despite being married with two kids)" priorities because she won't help you plan your wedding. Holy crap what a monster she is that she has to parent rather than help you with DIY glitter centerpieces. Better kick her out and ruin your relationship with your FI's entire family.

You sound like a self-centered, immature bridezilla who demands greatness from her slaves bridesmaids. Good luck to your bridal party.

jacobsmawedding15

My FI's sister and I used to have a good relationship...then things when sour when I went to college. She's my FI sister. She's in my wedding. I invite her to everything. I bought her a present and made sure she ordered her dress. She'll be there is line on my wedding day. Just suck it up and let her be as involved as she wants to be. If that involvement is none...so be it. I've been kicked out of a bridal party before. It's not pretty. She'll hate you forever and your FI probably wants a good relationship with his nieces and nephews.

danamw

Just make up your mind she is in your BP, and shake it off. So what if she gets a tattoo, maybe the pregnancy is not what you think it is. 

Maybe she will drop out herself, saying she can't afford the dress. If she shows up with the dress on, tattoo blazing, she will always be your SIL. It will work out.

But don't tell anyone else what you have told us here on the board!

marg1046

I'm sorry that people have been very rude to you on here. I had the same thing happen to me.  I do agree that theres no way to go and "unbridemaid" her without ruining a relationship.  I would say just deal w/ it and ignore it.  You will have a great time at your wedding either way. 

Maggie0829

maggie12345678 said:

I'm sorry that people have been very rude to you on here. I had the same thing happen to me.  I do agree that theres no way to go and "unbridemaid" her without ruining a relationship.  I would say just deal w/ it and ignore it.  You will have a great time at your wedding either way. 

Are you just now going to go around to all threads where you have decided that people have been "mean" and apologize on behalf of us all?

People haven't been mean.  They have been truthful and sometimes the truth hurts.

marg1046

Maggie0829 said:

maggie12345678 said:

I'm sorry that people have been very rude to you on here. I had the same thing happen to me.  I do agree that theres no way to go and "unbridemaid" her without ruining a relationship.  I would say just deal w/ it and ignore it.  You will have a great time at your wedding either way. 

Are you just now going to go around to all threads where you have decided that people have been "mean" and apologize on behalf of us all?

People haven't been mean.  They have been truthful and sometimes the truth hurts.

Wow you are taking the time to see what I post??!! I feel so honored that you have chosen to spend your time checking in on everything I do! How wonderful!! Have fun!

(Btw theres a difference between being honest and being down right rude)

slothiegal

Please, if you feel like someone is being "rude", please for the love of god point it out.  Because all I see are women giving the facts in a straight forward manner.

Maggie0829

maggie12345678 said:

Maggie0829 said:

maggie12345678 said:

I'm sorry that people have been very rude to you on here. I had the same thing happen to me.  I do agree that theres no way to go and "unbridemaid" her without ruining a relationship.  I would say just deal w/ it and ignore it.  You will have a great time at your wedding either way. 

Are you just now going to go around to all threads where you have decided that people have been "mean" and apologize on behalf of us all?

People haven't been mean.  They have been truthful and sometimes the truth hurts.

Wow you are taking the time to see what I post??!! I feel so honored that you have chosen to spend your time checking in on everything I do! How wonderful!! Have fun!

(Btw theres a difference between being honest and being down right rude)

Um, actually I frequent a lot of boards on here and when a yellow number pops up next to a thread I tend to check it out because that means a new post was made.  And since I had just read your post on the E board I recognized your name.  I am certainly not following you around, you aren't that important, sorry to inform you.

And being blunt is not rude.  Sorry that things aren't covered in sugar and chocolate and delivered with puppies around here so that your feelers don't get hurt.

slothiegal

Maggie0829 said:

maggie12345678 said:

Maggie0829 said:

maggie12345678 said:

I'm sorry that people have been very rude to you on here. I had the same thing happen to me.  I do agree that theres no way to go and "unbridemaid" her without ruining a relationship.  I would say just deal w/ it and ignore it.  You will have a great time at your wedding either way. 

Are you just now going to go around to all threads where you have decided that people have been "mean" and apologize on behalf of us all?

People haven't been mean.  They have been truthful and sometimes the truth hurts.

Wow you are taking the time to see what I post??!! I feel so honored that you have chosen to spend your time checking in on everything I do! How wonderful!! Have fun!

(Btw theres a difference between being honest and being down right rude)

Um, actually I frequent a lot of boards on here and when a yellow number pops up next to a thread I tend to check it out because that means a new post was made.  And since I had just read your post on the E board I recognized your name.  I am certainly not following you around, you aren't that important, sorry to inform you.

And being blunt is not rude.  Sorry that things aren't covered in sugar and chocolate and delivered with puppies around here so that your feelers don't get hurt.

Maggie, maybe we should just start responding to bad ideas with a cute picture?

Does that make it better?

marg1046

slothiegal said:

Maggie0829 said:

maggie12345678 said:

Maggie0829 said:

maggie12345678 said:

I'm sorry that people have been very rude to you on here. I had the same thing happen to me.  I do agree that theres no way to go and "unbridemaid" her without ruining a relationship.  I would say just deal w/ it and ignore it.  You will have a great time at your wedding either way. 

Are you just now going to go around to all threads where you have decided that people have been "mean" and apologize on behalf of us all?

People haven't been mean.  They have been truthful and sometimes the truth hurts.

Wow you are taking the time to see what I post??!! I feel so honored that you have chosen to spend your time checking in on everything I do! How wonderful!! Have fun!

(Btw theres a difference between being honest and being down right rude)

Um, actually I frequent a lot of boards on here and when a yellow number pops up next to a thread I tend to check it out because that means a new post was made.  And since I had just read your post on the E board I recognized your name.  I am certainly not following you around, you aren't that important, sorry to inform you.

And being blunt is not rude.  Sorry that things aren't covered in sugar and chocolate and delivered with puppies around here so that your feelers don't get hurt.

Maggie, maybe we should just start responding to bad ideas with a cute picture?

Does that make it better?

haha it definitely does! I actually think you might be on to something.... :P

Hey guys I'm not here to start a fight.  That is never my intention.  I just think people are very bold behind a keyboard when things could be said a little easier on here to not hurt someone's feelings. People are using this forum to vent and gain advice, not to be ridiculed. Well, at least thats what I thought!

Maggie0829

maggie12345678 said:

slothiegal said:

Maggie0829 said:

maggie12345678 said:

Maggie0829 said:

maggie12345678 said:

I'm sorry that people have been very rude to you on here. I had the same thing happen to me.  I do agree that theres no way to go and "unbridemaid" her without ruining a relationship.  I would say just deal w/ it and ignore it.  You will have a great time at your wedding either way. 

Are you just now going to go around to all threads where you have decided that people have been "mean" and apologize on behalf of us all?

People haven't been mean.  They have been truthful and sometimes the truth hurts.

Wow you are taking the time to see what I post??!! I feel so honored that you have chosen to spend your time checking in on everything I do! How wonderful!! Have fun!

(Btw theres a difference between being honest and being down right rude)

Um, actually I frequent a lot of boards on here and when a yellow number pops up next to a thread I tend to check it out because that means a new post was made.  And since I had just read your post on the E board I recognized your name.  I am certainly not following you around, you aren't that important, sorry to inform you.

And being blunt is not rude.  Sorry that things aren't covered in sugar and chocolate and delivered with puppies around here so that your feelers don't get hurt.

Maggie, maybe we should just start responding to bad ideas with a cute picture?

Does that make it better?

haha it definitely does! I actually think you might be on to something.... :P

Hey guys I'm not here to start a fight.  That is never my intention.  I just think people are very bold behind a keyboard when things could be said a little easier on here to not hurt someone's feelings. People are using this forum to vent and gain advice, not to be ridiculed. Well, at least thats what I thought!

You are not the first to say this nor will you be the last.  People post how they post.  If you don't like it then skip over it.  And honestly, a lot of times we are very nice when we post.  But if someone comes back and screams "you are all mean, don't you have a life" that makes us a bit stabby and not in the mood to respond nicely any more.  Also, we are strangers.  We aren't out to make friends when we respond to your posts.  We are just hear to tell you the truth in a straight forward manner.  If you don't like my bluntness, oh well.  I am not going to change how I post (which is pretty much exactly how I would talk to you in person if you asked me some of these questions) just to protect your feelings.

People don't like being told that what they are doing or planning is wrong.  But just because you don't like the answers doesn't mean that we are being rude.

marg1046

Maggie0829 said:

maggie12345678 said:

slothiegal said:

Maggie0829 said:

maggie12345678 said:

Maggie0829 said:

maggie12345678 said:

I'm sorry that people have been very rude to you on here. I had the same thing happen to me.  I do agree that theres no way to go and "unbridemaid" her without ruining a relationship.  I would say just deal w/ it and ignore it.  You will have a great time at your wedding either way. 

Are you just now going to go around to all threads where you have decided that people have been "mean" and apologize on behalf of us all?

People haven't been mean.  They have been truthful and sometimes the truth hurts.

Wow you are taking the time to see what I post??!! I feel so honored that you have chosen to spend your time checking in on everything I do! How wonderful!! Have fun!

(Btw theres a difference between being honest and being down right rude)

Um, actually I frequent a lot of boards on here and when a yellow number pops up next to a thread I tend to check it out because that means a new post was made.  And since I had just read your post on the E board I recognized your name.  I am certainly not following you around, you aren't that important, sorry to inform you.

And being blunt is not rude.  Sorry that things aren't covered in sugar and chocolate and delivered with puppies around here so that your feelers don't get hurt.

Maggie, maybe we should just start responding to bad ideas with a cute picture?

Does that make it better?

haha it definitely does! I actually think you might be on to something.... :P

Hey guys I'm not here to start a fight.  That is never my intention.  I just think people are very bold behind a keyboard when things could be said a little easier on here to not hurt someone's feelings. People are using this forum to vent and gain advice, not to be ridiculed. Well, at least thats what I thought!

You are not the first to say this nor will you be the last.  People post how they post.  If you don't like it then skip over it.  And honestly, a lot of times we are very nice when we post.  But if someone comes back and screams "you are all mean, don't you have a life" that makes us a bit stabby and not in the mood to respond nicely any more.  Also, we are strangers.  We aren't out to make friends when we respond to your posts.  We are just hear to tell you the truth in a straight forward manner.  If you don't like my bluntness, oh well.  I am not going to change how I post (which is pretty much exactly how I would talk to you in person if you asked me some of these questions) just to protect your feelings.

People don't like being told that what they are doing or planning is wrong.  But just because you don't like the answers doesn't mean that we are being rude.

Threads upon threads.

How about we just agree to disagree and move on.