Calling all lurkers and newbies! (spinoff)

jenna8984

briscoe1031 said:

Awesome thanks guys!

So while I was planning my wedding, one of my BMs got married, started having problems within the marriage(ex-husband is a psycho) and they split this past May finally. Now a few weeks afterwards she became friends with benefits with one of the guys we knew from high school.Nobody was suppose to know yet.   I originally had given her a plus one once it became bad with the ex( he was invited in the first place). Her plus one ended up abandoning her for the ex. So I said she could bring her FWB. I eventually found out he had a sporting event that would take all day and if he came it would have been later.

So she then asked me if he could just come for the dancing...I said no due to not wanting her to get hurt by her ex if i ended up putting the pictures on facebook (this was my biggest concern about it) and that our parents(mine and my husband's) were paying for everything. She didn't get it so I pm'd her FWB and explained it to him. He understood. She doesn't know to this day that I did that and idk if he ever mentioned it to her or exactly what he said on the day

Was I in the wrong to do that considering it could have had dire consequences?

I don't really understand. Who would be hurt and why? A picture of her and this new guy would hurt her ex if he saw it? How would she get hurt by her ex? I don't really get what the dire consequences were. 

But anyways, I don't think it was really necessary to message the guy. If your friend didn't get it, you should have explained to her better why you were not comfortable with him coming. 

But it's over now so I'd just let it go. If she ever brings it up you can explain it to her then. I was running late and accidentally missed my friend's ceremony. I felt absolutely terrible and had no idea if she knew since there were 100 people there. I never said anything and waited weeks and she never mentioned it so I just buried it and kept my mouth shut. This will probably happen with your worry too. 

briscoe1031

Her ex was very abusive and controlling to the point to where even after they separated she had to get a restraining order on him which he didn't give a shit about and she was so scared of him that she moved outta our town to somewhere 30 minutes away just so she didn't have to deal. I didn't want him to see the pics of them together and somehow come after her. I also didn't want any more drama than I dealt with at that point.

Trust me I tried to. I feel like she became a little self-adsorbed after all that happened to her so she wasn't getting it(not trying to make a dig at her at all). Also  I have definitely let it go. Especially considering since she deleted her FB i haven't talked to her. I probably will never bring it up to her.

Again with this I just wanted to get some opinions from you guys

novella1186

briscoe1031 said:

Her ex was very abusive and controlling to the point to where even after they separated she had to get a restraining order on him which he didn't give a shit about and she was so scared of him that she moved outta our town to somewhere 30 minutes away just so she didn't have to deal. I didn't want him to see the pics of them together and somehow come after her. I also didn't want any more drama than I dealt with at that point.

Trust me I tried to. I feel like she became a little self-adsorbed after all that happened to her so she wasn't getting it(not trying to make a dig at her at all). Also  I have definitely let it go. Especially considering since she deleted her FB i haven't talked to her. I probably will never bring it up to her.

Again with this I just wanted to get some opinions from you guys

I had a psycho ex that ignored the restraining order too, so I understand how scary it can be, and how hard it is to try to keep yourself safe. 

If you told her she could have a plus one, though, you can't dictate who the plus one is. I don't really think it was fair of you to tell her that guy couldn't come. I doubt there was a huge chance that photos of her dancing with him really would have gotten to her ex. The last two weddings I went to, I was dancing with my SO the entire time and not one single picture of us ended up on social media just because most people are way more focused on the bride or too busy dancing to care about taking pictures (and in one of those weddings I was a bridesmaid). 

I also think it was a little shady of you to go behind her back and talk to her guy without her knowing. I know you did it with the best intentions and you were just worried about your friend, but I think it's always best to be totally up-front and honest with friends, because if she ever found out about what you did she could be really hurt and feel betrayed that you went behind her back, ya know? 

If she ends up finding out, just let her know the truth; that you were extremely concerned for her well-being and wanted to protect her. But ultimately, who she brings as a date and what her ex does or doesn't see on social media is for HER to worry about, because she's an adult and needs to make her own decisions, ya know what I mean? 

briscoe1031

novella1186 said:

briscoe1031 said:

Her ex was very abusive and controlling to the point to where even after they separated she had to get a restraining order on him which he didn't give a shit about and she was so scared of him that she moved outta our town to somewhere 30 minutes away just so she didn't have to deal. I didn't want him to see the pics of them together and somehow come after her. I also didn't want any more drama than I dealt with at that point.

Trust me I tried to. I feel like she became a little self-adsorbed after all that happened to her so she wasn't getting it(not trying to make a dig at her at all). Also  I have definitely let it go. Especially considering since she deleted her FB i haven't talked to her. I probably will never bring it up to her.

Again with this I just wanted to get some opinions from you guys

I had a psycho ex that ignored the restraining order too, so I understand how scary it can be, and how hard it is to try to keep yourself safe. 

If you told her she could have a plus one, though, you can't dictate who the plus one is. I don't really think it was fair of you to tell her that guy couldn't come. I doubt there was a huge chance that photos of her dancing with him really would have gotten to her ex. The last two weddings I went to, I was dancing with my SO the entire time and not one single picture of us ended up on social media just because most people are way more focused on the bride or too busy dancing to care about taking pictures (and in one of those weddings I was a bridesmaid). 

I also think it was a little shady of you to go behind her back and talk to her guy without her knowing. I know you did it with the best intentions and you were just worried about your friend, but I think it's always best to be totally up-front and honest with friends, because if she ever found out about what you did she could be really hurt and feel betrayed that you went behind her back, ya know? 

If she ends up finding out, just let her know the truth; that you were extremely concerned for her well-being and wanted to protect her. But ultimately, who she brings as a date and what her ex does or doesn't see on social media is for HER to worry about, because she's an adult and needs to make her own decisions, ya know what I mean? 

Yeah I definitely do.  Again this had been weighing on my mind for a while and wanted the opinion from people on here. She probably won't ever ask and I will probably never tell her. Luckily that was the only etiquette faux-pas I made as far as I know 

pinkcow13

Hi newbs and lurkers! Welcome!

novella1186

briscoe1031 said:

novella1186 said:

briscoe1031 said:

Her ex was very abusive and controlling to the point to where even after they separated she had to get a restraining order on him which he didn't give a shit about and she was so scared of him that she moved outta our town to somewhere 30 minutes away just so she didn't have to deal. I didn't want him to see the pics of them together and somehow come after her. I also didn't want any more drama than I dealt with at that point.

Trust me I tried to. I feel like she became a little self-adsorbed after all that happened to her so she wasn't getting it(not trying to make a dig at her at all). Also  I have definitely let it go. Especially considering since she deleted her FB i haven't talked to her. I probably will never bring it up to her.

Again with this I just wanted to get some opinions from you guys

I had a psycho ex that ignored the restraining order too, so I understand how scary it can be, and how hard it is to try to keep yourself safe. 

If you told her she could have a plus one, though, you can't dictate who the plus one is. I don't really think it was fair of you to tell her that guy couldn't come. I doubt there was a huge chance that photos of her dancing with him really would have gotten to her ex. The last two weddings I went to, I was dancing with my SO the entire time and not one single picture of us ended up on social media just because most people are way more focused on the bride or too busy dancing to care about taking pictures (and in one of those weddings I was a bridesmaid). 

I also think it was a little shady of you to go behind her back and talk to her guy without her knowing. I know you did it with the best intentions and you were just worried about your friend, but I think it's always best to be totally up-front and honest with friends, because if she ever found out about what you did she could be really hurt and feel betrayed that you went behind her back, ya know? 

If she ends up finding out, just let her know the truth; that you were extremely concerned for her well-being and wanted to protect her. But ultimately, who she brings as a date and what her ex does or doesn't see on social media is for HER to worry about, because she's an adult and needs to make her own decisions, ya know what I mean? 

Yeah I definitely do.  Again this had been weighing on my mind for a while and wanted the opinion from people on here. She probably won't ever ask and I will probably never tell her. Luckily that was the only etiquette faux-pas I made as far as I know 

There are definitely worse things you could do. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you  

lauraukoctober2014

Hi I am a lurker too. So if u don't mind a addict from over the pond joining in I would love to. I prefer this forum over the UK ones reason being this one is so much more active and honest the one I'm on in the UK is just far too polite (don't mean you ladies are rude btw! !) And not much happens.
So a little introduction my names Laura I married October 2014 I live in Nottingham UK. My confession is... I had a cash bar (never even heard of a free bar in the UK! !) But I hate the idea of registries (everybody asked me to do one I just couldn't) and pot luck sounds dirty (if it's what I think everybody brings food and shares? )

novella1186

lauraukoctober2014 said:

Hi I am a lurker too. So if u don't mind a addict from over the pond joining in I would love to. I prefer this forum over the UK ones reason being this one is so much more active and honest the one I'm on in the UK is just far too polite (don't mean you ladies are rude btw! !) And not much happens. So a little introduction my names Laura I married October 2014 I live in Nottingham UK. My confession is... I had a cash bar (never even heard of a free bar in the UK! !) But I hate the idea of registries (everybody asked me to do one I just couldn't) and pot luck sounds dirty (if it's what I think everybody brings food and shares? )

Welcome! Glad to have you. 

Haha yes a pot luck is what you think it is. 

lauraukoctober2014

Ewwww!! No need for that. Think I just did a little mouth sick! !