Help! No longer wanting to host shower?

erollis

This is the short version with other wedding details excluded.

H and I offered to host a couples shower to our friends getting married. They accepted. Was mentioned that groom was uncertain of a couples shower. Told them a couples shower and not a bridal shower was our gift. Bride has not taken into account our availability at all when hosting the shower. It's mentioned that the shower needs to also be dependent on our schedule since we are hosting. Bride then mentions that it Has To Be on x day and would be good about x time. I ask for list so we can get invitations out for the couples shower. Bride sends list of guests and tells me "the shower will be x date and at x time". Along with that it will be ladies only. Also, said that I can host the "ladies only" shower at brides mothers home if my location is not available (because bride is dictating date and time). Now this is not the gift we offered and they initially accepted. H is still sleeping and I will need to discuss it with him. This shower has been a joint effort between us as we are playing to our strengths during planning. How would we retract our offer if we are able to? I will be an amazing hostess like always even if I do the "ladies only" shower. We need some guidance. 

ETA: Please excuse one of my tickers. It wont go away no matter what I do.

JoanE2012

erollis said:

This is the short version with other wedding details excluded.

H and I offered to host a couples shower to our friends getting married. They accepted. Was mentioned that groom was uncertain of a couples shower. Told them a couples shower and not a bridal shower was our gift. Bride has not taken into account our availability at all when hosting the shower. It's mentioned that the shower needs to also be dependent on our schedule since we are hosting. Bride then mentions that it Has To Be on x day and would be good about x time. I ask for list so we can get invitations out for the couples shower. Bride sends list of guests and tells me "the shower will be x date and at x time". Along with that it will be ladies only. Also, said that I can host the "ladies only" shower at brides mothers home if my location is not available (because bride is dictating date and time). Now this is not the gift we offered and they initially accepted. H is still sleeping and I will need to discuss it with him. This shower has been a joint effort between us as we are playing to our strengths during planning. How would we retract our offer if we are able to? I will be an amazing hostess like always even if I do the "ladies only" shower. We need some guidance. 

ETA: Please excuse one of my tickers. It wont go away no matter what I do.

I'm confused.  So you will host a traditional bridal shower or you won't?

I had a traditional bridal shower.  DH wanted no part of it and he definitely didn't want a couple's shower.  That said, if you offered a couple's shower, the bride should have declined if that wasn't her thing.  But if it were me, I'd just plan the traditional shower. I don't see the big deal.

indianaalum

If you aren't available that day, I think it is perfectly acceptable to let the bride know that. Just let her know that date/time won't work for you since you are hosting.

I do wonder why you insist on a couples shower vs girls only? Is there a reason? Was the bride okay with that and now changing her mind? or is is possible she was never okay with that? I know some women aren' comfortable with that idea since it is a newer concept

AddieCake

I, too, wonder why you are set on a couples shower only. Clearly, this couple is not interested in that. I would host a regular shower if you are available on the day she wants. If not, then tell her you are not available that day and that if it can't be on another day that you are sorry but that shower won't be happening. 

Jen4948

If she and her FI are not okay with a couples shower but only with a "women only" shower for her, and you want to throw her a shower, then unfortunately it will have to be a "women only" shower and not a couples shower-even if your H has been involved.

Couples shower issues aside, the bride cannot insist that you host a shower on a day and at a time that doesn't work for you.  That's one boundary I think you need to set.

If the day and time the bride wants doesn't work for you, then you can tell her, "I'm sorry, but I am not available at that time.  If that's the only time that works for you, then I won't be able to host a shower for you."

erollis

Insist really isn't the correct word. I was told it has to be that day and it should be at that time. 

It's not so much I wouldn't host a kick ass bridal shower for her and be a wonderful hostess. It's that H and I offered to the two of them a couples shower. They said yes. 

H woke up and we've talked about it. He was disappointed. This is something we wanted to do. When I first told hime he immediately said. So we are only hosting a bridal shower? 

I don't get why you accept the gift of a shower then tell the host what day, time, that we don't want what you offered but this instead, and it can be at x location. And all despite that it has been made clear what our offer was and saying that the day you are telling me I have to host the shower may not even work for me. I'm irritated that I'm being told what to do without any regard to what is also good for us. That's the main point.

I've been backed into a corner. I don't like feeling like this. After talking to H we feel like I have to host the bridal shower when she wants otherwise there will be trouble. 

[Deleted User]

Jen4948

You might do best to just tell the bride that regretfully, you can't accommodate her wishes and thus won't be able to host the shower that she wants.

jenajjthr

So if we tell Brides that the only real say that they have in a shower is the guest list (has to be wedding invited guests) and that the date and time of the shower is when they are available, but other than that they have to stay out of it because Brides don't/can't run/dictate their own shower.  Then what this Bride is doing is way over the line. 

 She accepted what OP offered, a couple's shower. Now is telling her No, can't be that, must be this. Is dictating time and place of her choosing, not host choosing. Sounds like Bride wants to plan the shower, not let host plan the shower...something against etiquette.  OP if you no longer feel comfortable hosting, then don't host. Don't let a bully, I mean Bride, tell you what to do. Yes there are consequences to that decision, but there are always consequences to every decision we make in life. Do you really want to deal with the stress that will come with hosting this shower and how it will make you feel?  It doesn't matter what you can do, it matters what you want to do.

WhatawagSBNy

Only  an ill- mannered bride tries to dictate terms to someone hosting a party for her.

If she prefers only a women only shower, it is your choice to continue or not.  I would generally give on this point

.  It may be her FI is really uncomfortable with the idea,  or they know male guests will be  either unlikely to attend, or even insist their girlfriends stay home too, rather than both go..  It may be that some of their close friends and family are not paired up, and will drop out .  Given that weddings are couples mostly, I have known bride's friends who often go to showers or pre wedding luncheons etc. then always decline the wedding, because they do not have a SO.

You need to simply propose a few dates to her, politely saying you are able to host the party on these dates, not when she chose.  Period.  If she declines, no party hosted by you.

Hostesses usually ask bride for a list of her close friends and family.  You are not required to invite all of them, or to get a larger place to hold more people.  Invite those you wish to invite,  then if there may be other shower holders, let them know or let bride know whom you HAVE  invited.  They can invite others if they want.

Brides don't get to say, invite these 40 people if you want to host 20.  Nor can they say,  well to have more people, just come to my Mom's place which will hold 65.

If you want to work with Mom, or a single member of the wedding party or some other friend,  since your hubby not real interested in a hen party,  fine.  Your choice.  Not bride's choice.

AddieCake

What do you mean "there will be trouble"? If you aren't available on the date she wants, you aren't available. If she has a problem with that, that's on her. There can only be "trouble" if you allow there to be.

Jen4948

One other thing might work:  Why not offer to throw a non-shower party for her and her FI together?  This way your husband can co-host with you.  Maybe she'll agree to that.  If she does, make clear the terms on which you are offering to host.

bethsmiles

Just call your friend and tell her you are sorry but you can no longer host the shower. This is the simple solution. 

climbingsingle

bethsmiles said:

Just call your friend and tell her you are sorry but you can no longer host the shower. This is the simple solution. 

I agree with this. You offered a specific gift. If the bride and groom don't want it, they should decline. They shouldn't be dictating what the gift is or entails.

lc07

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Just call your friend and tell her you are sorry but you can no longer host the shower. This is the simple solution. 

I agree with this. You offered a specific gift. If the bride and groom don't want it, they should decline. They shouldn't be dictating what the gift is or entails.

Agreed. You offered a lovely gift, OP. The couple has basically declined your gift and told you that you'd be giving them a different gift. Rude. Just let them know that you are no longer able to host due to the change in plans..

erollis

jenajjthr said:

So if we tell Brides that the only real say that they have in a shower is the guest list (has to be wedding invited guests) and that the date and time of the shower is when they are available, but other than that they have to stay out of it because Brides don't/can't run/dictate their own shower.  Then what this Bride is doing is way over the line. 

 She accepted what OP offered, a couple's shower. Now is telling her No, can't be that, must be this. Is dictating time and place of her choosing, not host choosing. Sounds like Bride wants to plan the shower, not let host plan the shower...something against etiquette.  OP if you no longer feel comfortable hosting, then don't host. Don't let a bully, I mean Bride, tell you what to do. Yes there are consequences to that decision, but there are always consequences to every decision we make in life. Do you really want to deal with the stress that will come with hosting this shower and how it will make you feel?  It doesn't matter what you can do, it matters what you want to do.

This is how we feel. And yes I would be under a lot of stress because bride would try her darndest to have her hand in everything I do. Groom and bride were more involved then they should of been in the Bachelor party.

H is still disappointed it's not a couples shower tho. I do feel bad for him. 

As for the "trouble" I would be a bad friend and bridesmaid. It would be me giving her a gift and then saying "oh sorry I changed my mind and want it back". it would be me being selfish and not taking their feelings and time into consideration.

Yet on the flip side I said "this is your gift and I really want you to have this" but it not being good enough and told flat out to take it back because they want something more expensive. That's not right in my mind.

I need to talk to H some more and mull it all over. 

erollis

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Just call your friend and tell her you are sorry but you can no longer host the shower. This is the simple solution. 

I agree with this. You offered a specific gift. If the bride and groom don't want it, they should decline. They shouldn't be dictating what the gift is or entails.

This is very true. I have another friend getting married after this bride. She declined our offer of a shower and everyone else's offer of one. That's ok. You don't want what you are being offered, don't accept it.

mikenberger

erollis said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

bethsmiles said:

Just call your friend and tell her you are sorry but you can no longer host the shower. This is the simple solution. 

I agree with this. You offered a specific gift. If the bride and groom don't want it, they should decline. They shouldn't be dictating what the gift is or entails.

This is very true. I have another friend getting married after this bride. She declined our offer of a shower and everyone else's offer of one. That's ok. You don't want what you are being offered, don't accept it.

----boxes----
Do you offer to throw everybody a shower when they get engaged?

erollis

mikenberger said:

----boxes---- Do you offer to throw everybody a shower when they get engaged?

No I and we don't offer this to everyone. We have other good friends that have gotten married and we didn't offer to host showers of any kind for them. This is something we agreed that we wanted to offer to them. Declining our offer is fine. Doesn't bother me. Accepting and dictating things is annoying. 

jenajjthr

Then you are very blunt if you "take it back."  Bride, H and I offered you X. You accepted X. Now you want Y, on a date and time that doesn't work for H and I. Unfortunately we will no longer be able to be able to host Y since that is not what we originally offered to you and feel comfortable hosting. We look forward to the wedding. 

bethsmiles

Even though I think the best thing to do at this point is what I already suggested, I have to ask - Why do you and your H want it to be a couple's shower so badly? I mean wouldn't you want to throw your friend a shower she wants? From your posts it seems that she never wanted a couples shower and made that clear from the beginning.

MGP

bethsmiles said:

Even though I think the best thing to do at this point is what I already suggested, I have to ask - Why do you and your H want it to be a couple's shower so badly? I mean wouldn't you want to throw your friend a shower she wants? From your posts it seems that she never wanted a couples shower and made that clear from the beginning.

I was actually thinking the same thing. Honestly it sounds like you have kind of pushed this couples shower idea on them. Not everyone is a fan of that format, especially the guys that are forced into mingling with strangers and oohing and aaahing over gifts. Why not just host a traditional bridal shower? You would probably end up with less guests anyways.

But the bride wanting that shower on a day and time where the host isn't availabie - that's just rude.

sarals24

I think it's cool that OP's husband wanted to be involved. We were thrown a couples' shower and it was awesome. There wasn't any sitting around and looking at presents, it was more like a party and we opened presents while drinking and eating...some people sat there and watched, others didn't. It was very low-key. I enjoyed it much more than the bridal shower my aunts threw for me. 

If they didn't want to accept, they should have said no. But you can't try to change the format of the party and dictate the place, time, etc if the host isn't comfortable with that. 

AddieCake

OP, several of us have asked why you were so set on a couples shower. Any chance you're going to answer?  Is it b/c your husband wanted to be involved?

indianaalum

scribe95 said:

Hhmm. I just don't get why it has to be a couples shower or nothing on your part. But I suppose that's your choice. I have offered many showers. All but one ended up being traditional. But the other one the bride preferred a couples shower. As long as they fit into my budget/guest number list I could care less really. 

Me either. I am not opposed to couples showers, but if the bride doesnt want one, and the OP keeps insisting or is upset by this, then it says to ME " I need my man included" . I am not against couples showers, but the bride clearly has a reason for changing that plan to "traditional' so perhaps the best way is to inquire into it from her before assuming she isn't cooperating. Truth be told,  it would probably save you money NOT to include the men (mostly who will just be dragged there anyhow) so why is that such a big deal to you??

OP. Why does it matter to you so much that it is a couples shower and not just a regular shower? Just curious. To me, this seems like a non-issue. I get being upset about the date issue, but this one just doesn't seem to make sense to me.

I also don't think we shuold assume the bride accepted under false pretenses. Perhaps she accepted only to find out her fiance said "hell no"..or she realized none of her friends had boyfriends/husbands who would go.

Truth be told, she could accept a "couples shower" and then no men show up on the day of the event just do to circumstance. Would you then tell everyone to go home because they didn't bring their "man" with them?!? 

SP29

I understand your frustration OP. I think the bride (and groom) are being a bit rude. 

You and H wanted to offer a couples' shower, because presumably you are both friends with the bride and groom and wanted to offer this to them, a gift from friends. If they didn't want a couples' shower they shouldn't have accepted the offer. Simple.

Maybe the groom isn't comfortable with a couples' shower- and that's fine (though the one I went to was awesome! It wasn't a "lame" gift opening experience. I use lame in quotations because I don't see how opening gifts meant for the couple is lame, or why men find gifts lame but women don't. Why food and chatter is "traditional" and loved by ALL women, not not men. The whole thing seems sexist)- but again, why did they accept in the first place. Or why didn't the bride later say, "I'm sorry Erollis, I know we accepted the couples' showered you offered, but I think we answered too hastily. FI and I talked about it and he's not comfortable with the idea. I would prefer a more traditional ladies shower" opposed to the bride thrusting her ideas on you. Then it is up to you to decide if you want to change your offer to host. 

I would tell the bride that you are sorry but the offer was for a couples' shower hosted by you and DH and if that's not what they want then you will have to decline hosting. 

Personally, if I were your DH, erollis, I'd be kind of offended if there wasn't a good reason why my offer to host a party for my friends wasn't OK, but it was for my wife to host something. Or why my (presumably) friend wouldn't talk to me about it if there was an issue. 

ETA: If no men showed up, no, one would not cancel the party because the party would not be catered to women- just like any other party one would host isn't. You wouldn't send home your friends from your dinner party because their SOs couldn't make it. 

AlexisA01

indianaalum said:

scribe95 said:

Hhmm. I just don't get why it has to be a couples shower or nothing on your part. But I suppose that's your choice. I have offered many showers. All but one ended up being traditional. But the other one the bride preferred a couples shower. As long as they fit into my budget/guest number list I could care less really. 

Me either. I am not opposed to couples showers, but if the bride doesnt want one, and the OP keeps insisting or is upset by this, then it says to ME " I need my man included" . I am not against couples showers, but the bride clearly has a reason for changing that plan to "traditional' so perhaps the best way is to inquire into it from her before assuming she isn't cooperating. Truth be told,  it would probably save you money NOT to include the men (mostly who will just be dragged there anyhow) so why is that such a big deal to you??

OP. Why does it matter to you so much that it is a couples shower and not just a regular shower? Just curious. To me, this seems like a non-issue. I get being upset about the date issue, but this one just doesn't seem to make sense to me.

I also don't think we shuold assume the bride accepted under false pretenses. Perhaps she accepted only to find out her fiance said "hell no"..or she realized none of her friends had boyfriends/husbands who would go.

Truth be told, she could accept a "couples shower" and then no men show up on the day of the event just do to circumstance. Would you then tell everyone to go home because they didn't bring their "man" with them?!? 

I don't think she is coming back. I'm very curious on the issue of why she its pressing hard on a couples shower to only offer it as their gift off she feels the couple might opt for a traditional shower.

erollis

I'm Here! I've been busy since and haven't gotten a chance to get back.

As for the why did we "push" a couples shower. It's because groom was Hs best man and H is grooms best man. Bride was my bridesmaid and I'm hers. We both know 80% of thier guests and have met almost all the rest at least once. The people invited (even just the woman) would all know each other. It's not as if anyone would be a stranger.

As stated before the majority of people invited or would have been are in committed relationships. Most are mutual friends.

As for the husband part I don't need him to do things. We work very well together. He wanted to be involved and celebrate the couple too.

Update!
The bride knows I will be hosting a ladies only, traditional bridal shower on the day and time she stated.

I've secured a place to host on the day the bride wants. Aparently it's the only day. I've made room and will be flying into town to get ready and set up instead of driving.

It will be a ladies only shower and my H will be staying back home doing what he needs to do. We both wanted to take back the offer but it's not worth hurting any friendships.

I'm putting just as much effort and care into the ladies only shower. One of the guest's/ mutual friend will still be helping out with the shower since she lives there.

erollis

@SP29 my H is upset. It's understandable. They've been close friends for 16 years. H did a fantastic job on the bachelor party for groom too.

If no guys showed up we wouldn't turn the ladies away or close down the party. It would continue to be the awesome, relaxed party like planned. No cheesy, girly games or being forced to watch someone open gifts.

erollis

Since I can't edit on my phone I'm going to state again it was offered as a couples shower because H wanted to host a couples shower with me. Is it strange that H wanted to do that? Is it wrong that H enjoyed the couples shower hosted for us and wanted to do the same for good friends?
These friends did not come to the shower because they were out of town.

SP29

@erollis. No it's not and I can understand both why H wanted to host, as well as why you and H are upset with the refusal of your offered gift.