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Help! No longer wanting to host shower?

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Re: Help! No longer wanting to host shower?

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    scribe95 said:
    I don't think it's strange that he wanted to offer a couples shower. But if that's not what the couple wants I do think it's strange that you guys wanted to withdraw the offer. I mean the shower is about the couple more than the host.
    This.  If the couple wasn't into the "couples shower" idea then I don't really get why your H is all hurt and upset about it.  Okay, he wanted to help throw the party, oh well, get over it.  This party isn't for the two of you but rather the couple, or in this case, the bride.  I think it would have been extremely petty of you and your H to retract your offer just because the couple wasn't all excited about the couple shower idea.

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Yeah, this whole thing just continues to rub me the wrong way. I just feel like you were making this more about you guys wanting to throw a party and less about hosting a shower. You wanted a couples shower for them b/c you know 80% of the guests and nobody would be a stranger and you're in each other's wedding parties? That doesn't seem like a reason for wanting so much to host a couples shower for them. It just comes off to me that you wanted to throw a party and were kind of using them as a reason to do so. 


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    Maggie0829slothiegalbeethery
  • I don't get it. She offered a shower, and could have been turned down. Instead, it was accepted and turned into something the host didn't want to host. I don't see how declining to host the event is considered rude. If the BM offered to host a shower at a local church, but the bride wanted it at a local bar, would the response be the same?
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2014
    I don't get it. She offered a shower, and could have been turned down. Instead, it was accepted and turned into something the host didn't want to host. I don't see how declining to host the event is considered rude. If the BM offered to host a shower at a local church, but the bride wanted it at a local bar, would the response be the same?
    Personally, as a host I would try to plan a party that the guest of honor wanted.  If that means that the guest of honor wanted a woman only shower at a bar then that is what I would do.  I certainly wouldn't push what I wanted on the person who the party is being thrown for.  It would be like throwing a bach party and having strippers and fake penises all over the place if the guest of honor does not want either.  You have to take into account what the honoree wants because it isn't about you it is about them.  Of course that doesn't mean that the honoree gets say over everything but just because you didn't get your way and get to have the party that you wanted to throw doesn't mean that you should be petty and retract your offer.  You realize that your initial vision won't work and you move on.  Now if the bride to be demanded a huge lavish shower at $100/plate in the fancy 5 star hotel with a guest list of 100, then okay, say you can't do it.  But just because she and her FI don't want a coed shower isn't enough, for me, to say no. 

    AlexisA01AddieCakeMGPindianaalum
  • It's not all about what we wanted. We wanted to have a great party honoring them both. Where everyone can get together and have a good time. They accepted and then wanted to change what we were giving them.

    Then on top of that the date and time was dictated to me. That wasn't and still isn't the best time for me to host a party. That reason alone with them saying exactly what and when I needed to do it was not right. Our time was not considered. It was dismissed.

    I've made time to fly, instead of drive out of town to host a shower that the bride wants. I've cleared out of the way anything else under my control. it's what she wants so I'm doing it.

    I was just told by the bride last night how much food and what kind I should have at the shower. Along with what should be done. I'm not sure if she's try to control the party or be helpful.

    I do know our mutual friend, myself, and brides sister can take care of hosting something bride would like. Yes, I contacted the brides sister and she wants to help.

    And I had no say over the showers that were hosted for me except for guest list and a date that worked for both me and the host. Should I have been more demanding or involved?
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  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    erollis said:
    It's not all about what we wanted. We wanted to have a great party honoring them both. Where everyone can get together and have a good time. They accepted and then wanted to change what we were giving them. Then on top of that the date and time was dictated to me. That wasn't and still isn't the best time for me to host a party. That reason alone with them saying exactly what and when I needed to do it was not right. Our time was not considered. It was dismissed. I've made time to fly, instead of drive out of town to host a shower that the bride wants. I've cleared out of the way anything else under my control. it's what she wants so I'm doing it. I was just told by the bride last night how much food and what kind I should have at the shower. Along with what should be done. I'm not sure if she's try to control the party or be helpful. I do know our mutual friend, myself, and brides sister can take care of hosting something bride would like. Yes, I contacted the brides sister and she wants to help. And I had no say over the showers that were hosted for me except for guest list and a date that worked for both me and the host. Should I have been more demanding or involved?
    What I hear is "These are all the things I'm doing at the request of the bride including flying, having an inconvenient day for me to host their shower, not hosting the shower my H and I wanted to host."

    You are constantly talking about how awful this experience is. So why are you doing it? 

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    She's trying to control the party. If she wanted to be "helpful," she'd have asked about what works for you and tried to accommodate you rather than demand you accommodate all her whims.

    I think it's time you told her to stop making demands on you and host her own damn party. If she wants you to host, then she needs to shut her mouth and graciously accept what you can provide her. Expecting someone to fly in to get such and such amount of specific food is so out of line that I'd tell her to hire some catering service because I'm not attending. Exactly where the hell does she expect you to store and prepare all this food she wants from you on top of a gift and, presumably, party decorations, etc.?
    MGPSP29huskypuppy14
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2014

    This is the continual tension between my MIL and I. She loves to do things "for others" but doesn't actually realize that there may be a difference between what she thinks will make a great party/gift/etc. and what the receiver actually would enjoy.

    I never understand her, because I don't understand why you would plan for or insist on a gift that's more about what you enjoy than what the person receiving it would enjoy. H posits that it is MIL's way of sharing herself - sharing things with you that she enjoys. I try to accept them graciously in that vein, because a) she isn't required to give me any gifts and b) I know she does it from a good place. So I smiled my way through an awkward shower and I have a bunch of gifts from her that aren't something I ever wanted or will use.

    Your friend should not have told you that she wanted something different than the gift you offered and expected you to go along. However, when it comes up that "couples' showers aren't really my thing" I think that should be respected also. So thanks for respecting her preference, now that you know it.

    Why were you giving the shower as a gift? What was the main reason behind it? That's what everyone is getting at here.

  • edited June 2015
    .
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  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    I think both OP and the bride have made some mistakes along the way.

    Bride- if she didn't want a couples shower, she should have declined and left it at that. if OP then came back and offered a traditional shower, bride should have just given her the guest list and not dictate anything else.

    OP- despite my opinion above, when it comes down to it if I were in your position I would also have just gone along and offered to host the traditional shower that she wanted. However, as soon as she started dictating the date, etc, I would have put my big girl panties on and said no! It seems too late for that now, but at the end of the day the bride overstepped boundaries and if she came on TK we would have set her straight too.

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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers


    I don't get it. She offered a shower, and could have been turned down. Instead, it was accepted and turned into something the host didn't want to host. I don't see how declining to host the event is considered rude. If the BM offered to host a shower at a local church, but the bride wanted it at a local bar, would the response be the same?
    It's not that I think she's being rude wanting to decline hosting, I just don't get it. I just can't get on board with being upset about the party not being the party she and her husband wanted as opposed to caring what the couple of honor wants. As I said before, based on the explanation of why they wanted to do a couples shower,  it just smacks of wanting to throw a party and using the couple as a reason. Like they were wanting more of a PARTY than a SHOWER. Yes, a shower is a party, but you know what I mean. Changing from a church to a bar would be a completely different kettle of fish and valid reason for no longer wanting to host, as would it growing larger or more expensive than she agreed to host. I also don't understand going ahead and hosting it on a day that isn't convenient. She's acting like she is being forced into this thing now. 
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  • AlexisA01AlexisA01 Dubai, my royal playground. member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    It rubs me the wrong way. OP seems out to be all bent over having a traditional shower. I also seem to gather that the OP its making a stink over the couple shower because it's not happening now. Something about this is off and like Addiecake said, it doesn't seem to be about what the honoree would like. I just don't get it, it is rather confusing.

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  • I'm so confused why you're flying out to throw a party you don't want to throw at a time that isn't good for you at a place that is far away when you don't even want to do it. Just say no.

    In general, it is a ridiculous waste of time and personally disappointing to do things for people that they a) don't want, b ) don't appreciate, or c) will be lost on them. Sometimes this realization comes with age. Maybe the OP is just lacking the maturity to see that right now and is a little butthurt at the decline for the couple's shower as well as slightly martyring herself for giving into the bride's demands. Just my two cents.
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    MGP said:
    I'm so confused why you're flying out to throw a party you don't want to throw at a time that isn't good for you at a place that is far away when you don't even want to do it. Just say no.

    In general, it is a ridiculous waste of time and personally disappointing to do things for people that they a) don't want, b ) don't appreciate, or c) will be lost on them. Sometimes this realization comes with age. Maybe the OP is just lacking the maturity to see that right now and is a little butthurt at the decline for the couple's shower as well as slightly martyring herself for giving into the bride's demands. Just my two cents.
    I took it as OP wanted to be a generous friend and celebrate her friend's upcoming nuptials, despite the fact that is is inconvenient and the bride is being demanding. My two cents are that OP is good friend, but needed to vent her disappointment in the situation (which I find understandable).
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  • scribe95 said:
    I don't think it's strange that he wanted to offer a couples shower. But if that's not what the couple wants I do think it's strange that you guys wanted to withdraw the offer. I mean the shower is about the couple more than the host.
    EXACTLY. 
    AddieCake said:
    Yeah, this whole thing just continues to rub me the wrong way. I just feel like you were making this more about you guys wanting to throw a party and less about hosting a shower. You wanted a couples shower for them b/c you know 80% of the guests and nobody would be a stranger and you're in each other's wedding parties? That doesn't seem like a reason for wanting so much to host a couples shower for them. It just comes off to me that you wanted to throw a party and were kind of using them as a reason to do so. 


    TOTALLY THIS. It seemed like this was more about the poster than the BRIDE
    AlexisA01
  • OP.

    Have you verbalized any concerns/asked questions of the bridge? It seems like there is a definite lack of communication between the two of you

    I would start be asking "we offered a couples shower. I noticed you wanted a traditional shower. Is there a reason?" Perhaps Bride was trying to save money by a smaller guest list..or didn't understand the offer.or felt uncomfortable. It's best to discuss with her and figure out why


    Then ask WHY she needs that specific date?!? I would also mention that date might not work. Perhaps she had no idea it was a bad date and was willing to change it.  

    IT seems like you just bitch about concerns here, but never actually told her any of  your concerns...which is important. You are angry and she may have no idea. DISCUSS WITH HER


    AlexisA01
  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 Exit 21 (Jersey!) member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    You say that they accepted the offer of the couple's shower but that the groom was uncertain about it.  They probably didn't think about it much and after they discussed it realized, for whatever reason, that it wasn't for them.  Bride should have communicated better, but you should have too.  If a date is not good for you, why didn't you say so?  If this person (couple) is close enough to you that you graciously offered to throw a party in their honor, why couldn't you just be upfront about your availability?  I don't get it.
    AddieCakeMGPindianaalumMaggie0829
  • To me, I don't get why the bride in question was so insistent about a girls-only shower and I think it was super rude of her to try to change what the OP requested into a different type of event.  Clearly the OP and her SO wanted to have a party that honors and celebrates both the bride and groom because they are both close friends.  That makes perfect sense to me.

    But then again maybe I'm biased because I think girls-only showers are kind of dumb in this day and age.  A wedding takes two people and more importantly a marriage takes two people, so I don't like the message that it sends to single out the woman and throw a party giving just her a bunch of cooking tools and household items.  These couples should be building their homes TOGETHER, and if a guy thinks it's "too boring" to sit through getting a bunch of presents he probably isn't mature enough to be married.

    I guess I could get on board with a girls-only lingerie shower, but that's a different story.
  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2014
    To me, I don't get why the bride in question was so insistent about a girls-only shower and I think it was super rude of her to try to change what the OP requested into a different type of event.  Clearly the OP and her SO wanted to have a party that honors and celebrates both the bride and groom because they are both close friends.  That makes perfect sense to me.

    But then again maybe I'm biased because I think girls-only showers are kind of dumb in this day and age.  A wedding takes two people and more importantly a marriage takes two people, so I don't like the message that it sends to single out the woman and throw a party giving just her a bunch of cooking tools and household items.  These couples should be building their homes TOGETHER, and if a guy thinks it's "too boring" to sit through getting a bunch of presents he probably isn't mature enough to be married.

    I guess I could get on board with a girls-only lingerie shower, but that's a different story.
    There is very obvious disconnect and non communication in this situation.  We all agree with that.

    However, just want to play devil's advocate for a minute.  I agree somewhat that women only showers are kind of antiquated in their intent to "shower" the bride with what she needs to set up her home and take care of her husband.  It is still my own personal preference for a wedding shower though.

    The issue that I have with couples showers (besides the fact that the format is just not a "fit" for my husband and I socially, but that's our decision) is that they also feel exclusive, like your relationship status depends on if you get an invite and I think that's more rude than a women only (or men only) event.  Or if you are single and get an invite to a couples shower it feels like you were included out of pity.  Why not just bill it as a coed shower?  Reminding someone they are not coupled up is extremely disheartening.  Inviting them to coed event with no mention or implied requirement of a relationship is just good hosting.

    So do you exclude all men and have a women only shower, or possibly make single people feel alienated?  It truly is a "know your crowd" type thing.
    indianaalum
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2014
    To me, the name IS just a co-ed shower. I assume the "couple" only refers to the bride and groom and would never think it was for guest couples. It's all a matter of where you place the apostrophe, I suppose. As usual, punctuation matters! ;)
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    MGP[Deleted User]southernbelle0915huskypuppy14
  • AddieCake said:
    To me, the name IS just a co-ed shower. I assume the "couple" only refers to the bride and groom and would never think it was for guest couples. It's all a matter of where you place the apostrophe, I suppose. As usual, punctuation matters! ;)
    Ha!  So true!

    My experience has been that it has been hosted by a couple, for couples, and honoring the couple.  Like I said, you feel like you are not wanted when you are invited a single person or when your SO cannot attend.  Maybe I just know a bunch of a holes?  :)
  • AddieCake said:
    To me, the name IS just a co-ed shower. I assume the "couple" only refers to the bride and groom and would never think it was for guest couples. It's all a matter of where you place the apostrophe, I suppose. As usual, punctuation matters! ;)
    Yes, one that we had was co-ed. That's what I meant by couples shower. Spelling and grammar aren't my strengths. @MGP We should have said co-ed to the bride and groom. Don't think it would have made a difference but we'll never know.


    JoanE2012 said:
    You say that they accepted the offer of the couple's shower but that the groom was uncertain about it.  They probably didn't think about it much and after they discussed it realized, for whatever reason, that it wasn't for them.  Bride should have communicated better, but you should have too.  If a date is not good for you, why didn't you say so?  If this person (couple) is close enough to you that you graciously offered to throw a party in their honor, why couldn't you just be upfront about your availability?  I don't get it.
    It's true we are both at fault. I definitely know I've been a bit childish over this. I'm not denying that and never was. I find it difficult at times to communicate with the bride and groom. It was much easier to be upfront and communicate with them when they weren't a couple. Bride and groom were very different before they got together. Although I still don't know why they are apposed to a couples/ co-ed shower. Just it needs to be ladies only because groom was uncertain. Didn't get any explanation on what uncertain really meant.

    The reason why it has to be that day is it is the only day the sister can make the shower. She clearly doesn't want the shower without her sister. I've said the date is not good for us. If the sister can't make it would it be a big problem? Sister has to be there. It clearly upset the bride by me even talking about a different day and the sister not coming. I decided to make it work. I'll feel much better at the end when I see how happy the bride is. It is inconvenient for me and it's nice to vent a little here. 

    It's also not not fun to be told that what you offered to do for someone has to be something completely different and on x day at x time. I think it's annoying and inconsiderate to tell a host exactly when to throw a party in their honor and what needs to be included. Especially since I was brought up to be happy to receive any gift given to me if I accepted it. A gift is not a requirement. It also makes me feel like I'm not trusted to host what bride would like. It's a group of us now (bride sister, friend, groom sister, and myself) that are putting the shower together. I'm putting my trust in them to help me with what the bride wants.

    Sometimes a person just needs some guidance, validation, a dose of reality, be put in their place, and to vent on the knot. Thank you ladies for providing a forum to do just that.
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  • Thx for the further explanation.  It seems like it would have been a lot better if the bride had been more understanding and said something like, "Oh no!  I know that isn't a convenient date for you, but I'd rather not have a shower if my sister can't go.  Please don't feel obligated to throw this shower if you are not able to do it on X date.  I realize that is very specific and I totally understand if you can't."  It also would have been just fine for you to say, "Oh no, Bride!  I sympathize with why the shower needs to be X date, but unfortunately I won't be able to throw a shower then." 

    As for my own, though limited experience, with a co-ed shower.  I attended one and thought it was fantastic!  There were couples there sure, but also a number of single people....it definitely didn't have the "must be a couple" to enjoy vibe.  During the beginning of the party, most of the women sat in the living room watching the bride open presents while most of the men were BBQing outside with beers.  Then everyone mingled after the presents.

    It's definitely a different type of shower and, if it turned out that was not what the couple wanted after they thought about it, they again should have realized they were changing what was offered and given you all an "out" if you no longer wanted to host a women's shower.

    Bottom line, it is perfectly fine to offer to host "this".  It is also perfectly fine for the bride/couple to not want "this" and graciously turn down the party.  But it's not okay to accept "this" and then make major changes/require specificity.   

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  • I don't think it's strange that the OP would insist on hosting solely a couple's shower. I would be upset as well if my fiance and I offered to throw our friends a party, and they accepted, but later told me I couldn't come because they want it to be the guys only. Oh but, I can still be allowed to pay for it. So basically, we offered to throw our friends a party, but now we're paying for a bachelor party that I'm not allowed to attend? Not cool. If I'd wanted to host a bachelor party, that's what i would have offered.

     

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