Getting married before the wedding????

Chels2

My FH is getting moved for work so we were thinking about having a small wedding in our home town before we move. He would like to just to go the court house and get married by a jp but I want to have a small ceremony with just family. We will still have the traditional wedding next December like we had been planning before now it will just be in our new state. What do yall think I should do.... I am so confused about the whole thing!

GeauxTigers17

I think it's in poor taste to get married and then essentially have a do-over, and you should just wait if you still want the big wedding. Do one or the other, not both.

NOLAbridealmost

You get one wedding per husband.    The thing you're describing in December would essentially be what people around here call a PPD: Pretty Princess Day.  

If I were you I'd just wait and do the legal marriage at the ceremony that it sounds like you've already been planning for December.  Is there some reason that you have to get legally married your current state?? I understand (although don't like) the getting legally married early thing in the case of military deployments, etc. but why rush the legal marriage in your case? 

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:8a32de1a-cfc9-4a37-bb5e-a9c976cc3695">Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]My FH is getting moved for work so we were thinking about having a small wedding in our home town before we move. He would like to just to go the court house and get married by a jp but I want to have a small ceremony with just family. We will still have the traditional wedding next December like we had been planning before now it will just be in our new state. What do yall think I should do.... I am so confused about the whole thing!
Posted by Chels2[/QUOTE]

What is your moving going to do to your guests' travel plans?
If you're going to ask people to travel to the new state in December, why bother getting married first?  I don't understand.   If you want to get married in your home town,plan a December wedding in your hometown FROM the new town. Brides do this all the time. 

trix1223

Your title is an oxymoron.  You can't get married BEFORE the wedding, because when you get married IS the wedding.

You're making this far more complicated than it needs to be.  GL

lindenheart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:f2de2a0a-4da1-4049-8e13-0f4181649a22">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]...what people around here call a PPD: Pretty Princess Day.Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

THANK YOU for clarifying this acronym. I could not for the life of me figure it out!

To OP, I have to agree that there is no need for a second ceremony/wedding. Either have a smaller, more intimate wedding or wait and do the big shindig next December as you had previously planned. The point of the wedding is not the party and ooh's and ah's, the point is to be married. Once married, why go through a charade?

darlamiles

Do it! Do it! Do it!  It takes soooo much stress off of the "big" day.  I come from a traditional, southern Christian family and we had an unexpected move to NYC before we got married, and my dad didn't want us shacking up. Also, we were the only family we had in NYC and my husband had a medical emergency and was hospitalized for 10 days. But if we weren't married, I would not have had any rights to make decisions for him.  We're still having a traditional wedding, and I have a close friend who did the same.  It's not tacky, it's practical.  And in the end, do what makes YOU happy!!  Only a handful of friends and family members know and they respected our decistion.

darlamiles

Ignore the other posts!!  I was in your shoes and know how you feel!  My big day 28 days away and isn't any less special!!!!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:8a32de1a-cfc9-4a37-bb5e-a9c976cc3695">Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]My FH is getting moved for work so we were thinking about having a small wedding in our home town before we move. He would like to just to go the court house and get married by a jp but I want to have a small ceremony with just family. We will still have the traditional wedding next December like we had been planning before now it will just be in our new state. What do yall think I should do.... I am so confused about the whole thing!
Posted by Chels2[/QUOTE]

It would be called a vow renewal. You can't be married when you are already legally married unless you plan on getting divorced first.

If you want to do the JOP thing, then do it. Then just throw a party to celebrate the marriage next December.

FWIW - my H moved out of state about 4 months before we were engaged. Then I joined him 2 months after we were engaged after I finished the school year (I am a teacher) and my apt lease was up. Long distance relationships are hard, but they can work.

I would encourage you to give this some more thought before you rush into a JOP marriage if you really want a wedding. People will not be happy if they know you are already married and having a do-over. It just looks very gift grabby and AW-ish.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:8beed76f-dc11-4701-835b-dd4be24a2288">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]Do it! Do it! Do it!  It takes soooo much stress off of the "big" day.  I come from a traditional, southern Christian family and we had an unexpected move to NYC before we got married, and my dad didn't want us shacking up. Also, we were the only family we had in NYC and my husband had a medical emergency and was hospitalized for 10 days. But if we weren't married, I would not have had any rights to make decisions for him.  We're still having a traditional wedding, and I have a close friend who did the same.  It's not tacky, it's practical.  And in the end, do what makes YOU happy!!  Only a handful of friends and family members know and they respected our decistion.
Posted by darlamiles[/QUOTE]

Seriously? Obviously you don't know anything about etiquette. And to lie to all those family and friends like that, wow. The nerve of some people these days.

OP - This is not the okay thing to do. Mrs. B and myself are correct regardless of what you want to believe or choose to do.

aegrish

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:8b1cbdfc-5758-4a13-bcb3-8687e074c2bb">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Getting married before the wedding???? :<strong> It would be called a vow renewal.</strong> You can't be married when you are already legally married unless you plan on getting divorced first. If you want to do the JOP thing, then do it. <strong>Then just throw a party to celebrate the marriage next December</strong>. FWIW - my H moved out of state about 4 months before we were engaged. Then I joined him 2 months after we were engaged after I finished the school year (I am a teacher) and my apt lease was up. Long distance relationships are hard, but they can work. I would encourage you to give this some more thought before you rush into a JOP marriage if you really want a wedding. People will not be happy if they know you are already married and having a do-over. It just looks very gift grabby and AW-ish.
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

Yes it would.  And a lot of guests would scratch their heads at a vow renewal that is less than 5 years after the marriage, maybe even 10.  Make sure any party you throw post wedding doesn't look like it's set up for gifts.  Make it very low key and more of a social event than recreating the wedding or reception.

aegrish

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:8beed76f-dc11-4701-835b-dd4be24a2288">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]Do it! Do it! Do it!  It takes soooo much stress off of the "big" day.  I come from a traditional, southern Christian family and we had an unexpected move to NYC before we got married, and my dad didn't want us shacking up. Also, we were the only family we had in NYC and my husband had a medical emergency and was hospitalized for 10 days. But if we weren't married, I would not have had any rights to make decisions for him.  <strong>We're still having a traditional wedding</strong>, and I have a close friend who did the same.  It's not tacky, it's practical.  And in the end, do what makes YOU happy!!  <strong>Only a handful of friends and family members know</strong> and they respected our decistion.
Posted by darlamiles[/QUOTE]


That doesn't even make any sense.  It's not a "traditional wedding".  In a traditional wedding the couple is not lying to their friends and family and actually isn't married already.  And why would the stress be any different for planning a "wedding" after you are already married vs. before?  You're esentially planning the same thing.  I would think the stress would be WORSE with what you're doing because you'd have a secret looming over you all the time.  It will come out sooner or later I'm sure.

kristinanddan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:2ded2a8a-73aa-46ca-a5a5-a31c501b3594">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]Ignore the other posts!!  I was in your shoes and know how you feel!  My big day 28 days away and isn't any less special!!!!
Posted by darlamiles[/QUOTE]
Actually it is because you're already married!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ain't nothing happening in 28 days but you lying to your friends and family and having a vow renewal.

Now do us all a favor and stop posting such nonsense please.

iluvmy0341

I'm confused at why you need to get married. But I'd really like to know why everyone is so rude on here! I thought TK Community was about helping out other brides. If everyone wants to be rude to girls who have had courthouse weddings and are now having vow renewals, then please explain to me why "brides" who married years ago are even on here! 

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:dc7fbd2b-5a41-4a36-8e96-d8bc25741a23">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm confused at why you need to get married. But I'd really like to know why everyone is so rude on here! I thought TK Community was about helping out other brides. If everyone wants to be rude to girls who have had courthouse weddings and are now having vow renewals, <strong>then please explain to me why "brides" who married years ago are even on here! 
</strong>Posted by iluvmy0341[/QUOTE]


Here's why brides who were married years ago (like me) are still here.  Do you really want your advice from someone who has actually had the experience you're asking about?

Here's my analogy:  you're 6 months pregnant with your first child.  You want to know what labor & delivery will be like.  Do you want advice from someone who's actually been through labr & delivery, or you want to get your advice from someone who's 4 months pregnant with her first child?  Which do you think will be more helpful?

As for "helping out" other brides, I think it's far more helpful to hear an honest response from someone who doesn't have to worry about hurting your feelings.  Of course your family and friends will smile, nod their heads, and say "What a GREAT idea!"  But they'll be saying something else when you're out of earshot if you choose to do something that is a bad idea.

This is not a community for blind validation.  If that's what you're looking for, I suggest a local area board (links on the left) or weddingwire.com

But gosh....good luck to you in your planning.

Cynthia1207

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:dc7fbd2b-5a41-4a36-8e96-d8bc25741a23">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm confused at why you need to get married. But I'd really like to know why everyone is so rude on here! I thought TK Community was about helping out other brides. If everyone wants to be rude to girls who have had courthouse weddings and are now having vow renewals, then please explain to me why "brides" who married years ago are even on here! 
Posted by iluvmy0341[/QUOTE]

In case you haven't noticed, the posts on here ARE helpful.  They are telling OP that what she is planning on doing isn't the best way to go about it.  No one was rude, no names were called, opinions were given and I fullheartedly agree with them. 

People here are not rude to girls who have courthouse weddings and then have vow renewals.  The majority here simply does not agree with vow renewals that are celebrated after less than 10 years of marriage and do not agree with lying to people about your ''real'' wedding.  Courthouse weddings are the real thing.  There is no reason to be lying to friends and family about it.

Posters who are/have been married are the most helpful girls on the TK community.  They have been there, have gone through the emotions of the ''big day'' and have gone through the planning process. 

I hope this makes it clearer for you.

blush64

There is a post about this sort of wedding before the wedding on the budget boards. People over there seem to be more mixed on their opinions but I would have to agree with those who say you can't get married if you are already married.

You can have the vow renewal or an anniversary party but a wedding is where you get married. If you are already married that just doesn't work.

Do what you want as far as parties but call it what it is and enjoy it just the same. Do NOT lie to people as another PP is doing. That is so wrong.


EDITED

I just read everything through and I had to add comments. I can not believe someone would plan a "wedding" when you are already married. Vow renewal, anniversary celebration ok but to actually lie to those you love. That just doesn't sound right. I would be so upset if I found out a relative or friend did that. I just don't think telling lies should be part of your special day.part 2.

brianabrad

You can technically do whatever you want. It doesn't mean that people won't side-eye you. Your wedding day is the day you get married. Wanting a do over to have the big dream wedding months or even a year later just doesn't seem right to me. Having a reception later is fine but wearing a big wedding dress on that day seems odd.

iluvmy0341

I've never claimed to not be married. We're having a vow renewal. All our invitations state that. Every one in our families know that we're already married. Alot of people get married in the courthouse and then have a big to-do later. I'm having a vow renewal ceremony in my hometown because my great-grandfather is 95 and wasn't able to fly to Hawaii (SORRY) when we got married. IN FACT-NO ONE COULD AFFORD IT. That's why it was me and my husband in the courthouse. I wouldn't even be having a vow renewal ceremony if it wasn't for my entire family complaining every other week that I never had a "big wedding" and I would LOVE for my great-grandfather to see me "walk down the aisle" (although I think he's more hoping for great-great-grandkids only 6 months into the marriage!).

thesequel

Second "wedding" = PPD = vow renewal

If you are doing it to lessen the stress....how much stress do you think that you will have living a big lie?  How do you think that your friends will feel that you wanting a PPD?  Gift-grabby?  Perhaps.

As PP have said - it is your decision, but you will probably get the side-eye.

meep2

Wow. A lot of people REALLY against post-wedding wedding parties.

Gotta say, my opinion's a little different. I mean, I'd avoid it if at all possible; if you're doing it just so you can get it the type of "special day" both you and your fiance want, then try to come to a compromise, since I agree with PPs that attempts to fanagle more than one "pretty princess day" out of things is tacky. But sometimes people get married in a small ceremony without a reception for a good reason: military deployment, family illness, financial difficulty, pregnancy, etc. Marriage, however, doesn't always mean just a legal document to people; I'm going to guess that this is something that many of the PPs agree with, given that other threads on The Knot will agree that family is often an important part of a wedding. When you essentially elope, your family hasn't been included in an event that can blend families and that is a cause for community celebration. I'm not saying that you have to have a big wedding, I'm not saying that you have to include or invite anyone, but I do think that it's perfectly understandable to get married quickly for one of the earlier-mentioned reasons, and then for the bride and groom and their family to want to celebrate that at a later date.

Just as a note, my priest keeps mentioning this as an option that some people use when they're torn between a valid Catholic marriage and wanting a trendy beach ceremony or something. People have their Church wedding with just family there first, and then the big wedding on a beach with a friend presiding or whatever later on. This isn't even something we're planning or considering, so I get the feeling it's not an atypical solution for him to bring it up unbidden.

Cynthia1207

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:8e8dc8ec-3067-4235-89b6-9eb209e709c5">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]I've never claimed to not be married. We're having a vow renewal. All our invitations state that. Every one in our families know that we're already married. Alot of people get married in the courthouse and then have a big to-do later. I'm having a vow renewal ceremony in my hometown because my great-grandfather is 95 and wasn't able to fly to Hawaii (SORRY) when we got married. IN FACT-NO ONE COULD AFFORD IT. That's why it was me and my husband in the courthouse. I wouldn't even be having a vow renewal ceremony if it wasn't for my entire family complaining every other week that I never had a "big wedding" and I would LOVE for my great-grandfather to see me "walk down the aisle" (although I think he's more hoping for great-great-grandkids only 6 months into the marriage!).
Posted by iluvmy0341[/QUOTE]

So if it was so important for you to have family members present, why didn't you just wait and have a wedding in your hometown ONLY?  You and FI CHOSE to get married in Hawaii at the courthouse, no one forced you.  I'm sorry but you have no sympathy from me.  You made a choice and now you have to live with the consequences. 

Whatever choice you made/make is really none of our business but believe me if I was invited to a ''vow renewal'' a year or so after the original wedding and the ''bride'' showed up in a bridal gown, I would side-eye. 

Giving your grandfather as an excuse isn't right.  IMO you should have just postponed the original wedding and wait until you had time to do it in your hometown.

ashleyjeanp

my mother got married at the courthouse in april but then had the actual wedding in June. there were lots of reasons behind it but i dont see anything wrong with it. everyone understood & was completely fine with it. both days were very special to her and they still count their 'wedding' day as an anniversary day too.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:a9793e13-190c-46bd-8b6d-be545faee629">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]my mother got married at the courthouse in april but then had the actual wedding in June. there were lots of reasons behind it but i dont see anything wrong with it. everyone understood & was completely fine with it. both days were very special to her and they still count their 'wedding' day as an anniversary day too.
Posted by ashleyjeanp[/QUOTE]

Well, okay, but the "actual wedding" was at the courthouse in April.  What's happening in June is a do-over a couple of months later.  Please don't begin to implay that the courthouse is not an "actual" wedding.  Because it most certainly is.

GL

MobKaz

Chels2.....I will not split semantic hairs insofar as your original post.  I understand the underlying question, and dilemma you face, and will offer my comments based on my experiences.  The bottom line is that you, and you alone, can and should do what works best for you and your family.

I have attended two weddings/renewals/do-overs......call them whatever you want.  In one case, the issue was immigration.  In another, the bride and groom realized mere weeks before their wedding that their minister/officiant was not licensed in the state the wedding was to take place.  The couple lived in Washington; the wedding was not in Washington.  In both instances, the wheels of the wedding were well underway.   It was too late to cancel anything without much loss of money.

What I can tell you is that no one cared.  We were all still so excited for the couple.  We were all happy to attend.  Not everyone was aware of the situation....in part because NO ONE WOULD REALLY CARE.  We went because we wanted to show our love and support.  No one felt duped or betrayed.  Circumstances arise.

You know your family and friends.  And although these boards often help with tangible, fact finding information, I have found most of the opinion based "suggestions" (including my own)  are best read with a large grain of salt. 

Good luck.  Go with your own best interests and family in mind.

MyNameIsNot

It is physically impossible to get married and later have a wedding without a divorce in between.  You can get married now, or you can get married later.

Or, if you really insist and have no concept of morals or honesty, you can get married now, and have a fake wedding and lie to your guests later.  But assuming you are a decent person, this is not an option for you.  

You can lie to yourself and pretend that no one will care, but the fact is, most people will care.  People do not like being lied to, and they do not like going to fake weddings.  Of course, they'll pretend they are fine with it, to avoid hurting your feelings.  

There is nothing stopping you from getting married now and just having a party later, though.  It won't be a wedding, but you don't have to have a wedding to throw a blow out party.  You can have one just because.  

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:17834214-0284-4731-a830-d719d095d841">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]Your title is an oxymoron.  You can't get married BEFORE the wedding, because when you get married IS the wedding. You're making this far more complicated than it needs to be.  GL
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Listen to trix.

SamiI612

I see nothing wrong with this.

My husband is in the Marines and was deployed in February. We got married in Oct so that myself and my daughters could be his beneficiaries and dependents for insurance purposes. We are having a large wedding in June, after he returns in March.

Sometimes you have to do those things for certain circumstances. In my case, getting married before our wedding was the only thing we could do. 

Remember, this is YOUR wedding and you can do it how you want...

AnniePanic

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:dc7fbd2b-5a41-4a36-8e96-d8bc25741a23">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm confused at why you need to get married. But I'd really like to know why everyone is so rude on here! I thought TK Community was about helping out other brides. If everyone wants to be rude to girls who have had courthouse weddings and are now having vow renewals, <strong>then please explain to me why "brides" who married years ago are even on here! </strong>
Posted by iluvmy0341[/QUOTE]

Because they have experienced it all, and they still want to celebrate their fabulous day... even though it's long past. More than likely it was one of the happiest days of their lives, who wouldn't want to relive that? And just maaaaybe they're a little AW-ish? <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

OP, If you get married without the "fantasy wedding and reception"  on the same day, thats your decision and honestly I couldn't care less as long as you're happy. <u><em>However</em></u>, please don't register for gifts, that's just tacky. We're eloping and having a small reception when we come home. No registry. No card box. No gifts required.

twixinthemix

The only reason why I can see having two weddings is for those who do a JOP and a Christian or other religious service.  To me, the marriage license is just a piece of paper, and having a JOP service would mean nothing personally to me except that I could be on FI's insurance.  It's the church ceremony and making that covenant before God that is the true marriage for me.  But that's just my two cents. 

Don't have a small wedding and another wedding just becuase.....then people would side eye you. 

Cynthia1207

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:4929c214-5b7b-4c06-88e7-f679aab71965Post:0330d7cb-e950-482e-b47c-5bbbf8b03ce3">Re: Getting married before the wedding????</a>:
[QUOTE]I see nothing wrong with this. My husband is in the Marines and was deployed in February. We got married in Oct so that myself and my daughters could be his beneficiaries and dependents for insurance purposes. <strong>We are having a large wedding in June, after he returns in March. Sometimes you have to do those things for certain circumstances. In my case, getting married before our wedding was the only thing we could do.  Remember, this is YOUR wedding and you can do it how you want...
</strong>Posted by SamiI612[/QUOTE]

No just no.

Insurance purposes?  I hate when people give this as an excuse...what if just what if you never met FI and you were single?  How does insurance purposes qualify as an excuse to get married? 

If you're talking about beneficiaries in case of death, you can add anyone you want as a benefiaciary, it doesn't have to be someone you're married to. 

YOUR/MY wedding is something I suggest you drop from your posts or you're going to end up getting flamed with an attitude like that around here.