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Customs and Traditions

Is there a right and/or wrong way?

I've always had the idea when someone gets married, they include any siblings, FI siblings and close friends in the bridal party. I'm close to my FI's two sisters so I have automatically included them in the bridal party and out of proper etiquette, my FI is willing to include my two brothers on his side (although they aren't as close). Now, my older brother is getting married this year and I assumed I would ask her to be a bridesmaid when the time gets closer (we don't get married until 2016). But, as far as I know, she is not asking me to be a bridesmaid as my brother said "he had never heard of siblings being in other siblings' weddings, he wasn't even gonna consider our youngest brother..." Anyways, that's another story. But, should I still ask his future wife to be a bridesmaid in my wedding even though we aren't that close? And should I expect my FI to keep my two younger brothers on his side?
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Re: Is there a right and/or wrong way?

  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Ask whoever you want. There is no requirement or right or wrong.
    runsonveggieserc232
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Etiquette does not require the bride and groom to ask their siblings to be in their wedding party (or anyone else).

    The only rules are that once you ask someone, you don't unask them except in cases of really egregious behavior (e.g., violence or sex with one of the couple) and you don't replace or demote them. It is considered a friendship-ending move. But also, who you ask is solely up to you and who your FI asks is solely up to him. You don't have to ask each other's siblings or ask the SOs of people you do ask. Nor does the "s/he who pays gets a say" rule apply.
  • mrscomposermrscomposer Mani-snow-ba member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer

    If your FI wants to include your brothers on his side, then he can - but not "out of proper etiquette".  It would make more sense for you to include your brothers on your side, since you're closer to them and you seem to be the one who wants them included.  There is no need for you to ask your future SIL to be a bridesmaid if you don't want to.

    My sister was my MOH, and my BIL was J's BM.  My younger brother was not included in the wedding party, and instead did a reading.

    **The OMH formerly known as jsangel1018**
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Couples are not obligated to ask anyone to be in their wedding parties. They should choose their nearest and dearest.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Maybe I'm old fashioned but I honestly do not agree. Thanks for your opinions though. It's nice to see what others think regarding the situation. I just see a marriage, a gathering of two people and if you're relatively close to your family, than they should come first. The wedding isn't just about the couple joining their lives together, it's about joining two families together and what better foot to begin that with including them in the most important event in your life.
  • kgblaker said:
    I've always had the idea when someone gets married, they include any siblings, FI siblings and close friends in the bridal party. I'm close to my FI's two sisters so I have automatically included them in the bridal party and out of proper etiquette, my FI is willing to include my two brothers on his side (although they aren't as close). Now, my older brother is getting married this year and I assumed I would ask her to be a bridesmaid when the time gets closer (we don't get married until 2016). But, as far as I know, she is not asking me to be a bridesmaid as my brother said "he had never heard of siblings being in other siblings' weddings, he wasn't even gonna consider our youngest brother..." Anyways, that's another story. But, should I still ask his future wife to be a bridesmaid in my wedding even though we aren't that close? And should I expect my FI to keep my two younger brothers on his side?
    Nope. No obligation or etiquette requirements on your side, your FI's or your brother's. Ask only those with whom you are close. If you're close with his sisters but he's not close with your brothers, there's no need for your FI to include them. Same with your brother and his FI. If she's not close with you, you shouldn't expect to be asked.

    Keep in mind that while it's an honor to be asked, it's also usually a pretty big expense (even under the most proper expectations, asking for budgets, etc). When it's my nearest and dearest asking me to spend time and money to be in their wedding, I gladly take that on. But I would do it begrudgingly if I was only asked out of obligation by someone with whom I'm not that close. 

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  • k&g2016 said:
    Maybe I'm old fashioned but I honestly do not agree. Thanks for your opinions though. It's nice to see what others think regarding the situation. I just see a marriage, a gathering of two people and if you're relatively close to your family, than they should come first. The wedding isn't just about the couple joining their lives together, it's about joining two families together and what better foot to begin that with including them in the most important event in your life.
    Weddings aren't tit-for-tat. You should be asking who is nearest and dearest to stand up with you, not who is going to have you stand up in their wedding. In your original post, you seem to think you should only ask them to be in your bridal party if they're going to have you in theirs.

    Also, don't be surprised if your brother doesn't share this view with you. It doesn't mean his opinion is wrong, it just means his opinion is different. And that's allowed. Different =/= wrong.

    OliveOilsMom
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its

    We had all of DH's siblings in my wedding.  I wasn't close to DH's sisters, but it was important to him so I made it important to me.    So far all of the siblings have been in each other's weddings. There is one left to get married.   It will be interesting to see what happens.  I'm sure DH would be little sad if he isn't asked to be in that wedding, but he will get over it.     I was not asked to be their weddings. I never thought I would be. 

    On my side, I omitted one brother from my wedding.   Now that I think about it, only my sister was in all of our weddings.   The rest of us were all omitted from one wedding each.   NBD.    None of the in-laws were asked in any wedding.

    Now I will admit I was a little sad not being asked to be in my brother's wedding (first wedding of the family).  I was the only sibling not asked.   It stung.   I'm not going to lie.  But I quickly got over it (the dresses were so bad - dodged a bullet there.).  I was a reader and got to wear a kick ass dress that my sister, who was in the wedding, was jealous of.   13 years later I still asked that brother to be in my wedding.    No hard feelings.

    There are no hard rules here and just because you asked someone to be in a wedding doesn't mean they have to ask you.    






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    fall16
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    fall16 said:
    I've always had the idea when someone gets married, they include any siblings, FI siblings and close friends in the bridal party. I'm close to my FI's two sisters so I have automatically included them in the bridal party and out of proper etiquette, my FI is willing to include my two brothers on his side (although they aren't as close). Now, my older brother is getting married this year and I assumed I would ask her to be a bridesmaid when the time gets closer (we don't get married until 2016). But, as far as I know, she is not asking me to be a bridesmaid as my brother said "he had never heard of siblings being in other siblings' weddings, he wasn't even gonna consider our youngest brother..." Anyways, that's another story. But, should I still ask his future wife to be a bridesmaid in my wedding even though we aren't that close? And should I expect my FI to keep my two younger brothers on his side?
    Your brother's future wife has no obligation to ask you to be in her wedding party. You guys are not close, and bridesmaids should be your nearest and dearest. 

    Your FI should choose his own attendants and you choose yours. If you want your brothers included, put them on your side. 
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  • OMG OP can you stop changing your user name please? Stick with one, I'm getting dizzy.

    If you choose to get offended because your brother doesn't share your opinion on who should be in a wedding party, that's your decision. He and his FI are not doing anything wrong by not having you.

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    JCbride2015
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    They can choose whomever they want in their bridal party just as you can choose whomever you want. You are uniting families well enough by having them be guests. You don't have to include them in your bridal party. Save that for people you consider your nearest and dearest. 

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    fall16
  • If you're not close to her, then definitely don't ask her. In my area, it's usually siblings and extremely close friends in the bridal party (different from a lot of people on TK I guess). FI asked his 2 brothers, BIL, and my brother. I asked my sister, 2 FSILS, and my SIL. The only reason i asked my brother's wife is because I'm extremely close to her. I can't imagine getting married without having her by my side! I asked my FSILs as well because I'm close to them and really like them. Choose whomever you want, but don't feel like you NEED to ask her. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    fall16
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I get where you're coming from OP. In weddings I've attended, siblings are in the bridal party. It is a nice thing to do.

    However, it's not a required thing to do. That's all. There's no etiquette, as the others have already said. If you think it's important, invite all the siblings to be in yours. I get that it may sting if you're not automatically included in theirs, but that's their choice.  

    If your FI doesn't want your two younger brothers as groomsmen, you could ask them to be readers or you could ask them to stand on your side. It's your FI's choice who stands up for him.  It's nice he's willing to consider it. 
    ________________________________


    fall16rcher912
  • My point for even stating the situation going on with my brother was to give some background to my perspective. Of course I expect him to include his siblings, especially our little brother! We are close, that's the point. No, I'm not close to his future wife and I understand her position on not asking me but she is becoming apart of our family, she's marrying my brother. So yes, I do feel obligated to ask her to be a bridesmaid (wedding isn't for 2 more years). We have time to grow closer together before the wedding which I'm sure we will - best friends, probably not. Having her as a bridesmaid and being apart of the wedding festivities is something I can't see her not being apart of.

    Also, I came here to get opinions, not be slammed with people who think their opinions are the only ones that matter. I'm obviously new to this wedding stuff and trying to do my research. I would appreciate if only helpful things were said. Thank you.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    fall16 said:

    My point for even stating the situation going on with my brother was to give some background to my perspective. Of course I expect him to include his siblings, especially our little brother! We are close, that's the point. No, I'm not close to his future wife and I understand her position on not asking me but she is becoming apart of our family, she's marrying my brother. So yes, I do feel obligated to ask her to be a bridesmaid (wedding isn't for 2 more years). We have time to grow closer together before the wedding which I'm sure we will - best friends, probably not. Having her as a bridesmaid and being apart of the wedding festivities is something I can't see her not being apart of.

    Also, I came here to get opinions, not be slammed with people who think their opinions are the only ones that matter. I'm obviously new to this wedding stuff and trying to do my research. I would appreciate if only helpful things were said. Thank you.

    Sorry, but it's not up to you to tell everybody else how to post.

    Also, you asked for our opinions and you got them. You also wanted to know if it's required to ask the siblings of your FI to stand with you and the answer is that no, it's not. The fact that YOU don't agree with it doesn't make it not "useful" or require us to automatically agree with you. If you can't handle being disagreed with, you're barking up the wrong tree asking anyone for an opinion, whether you find it "useful" or not.
    theartistformerlyknownasAddieCake
  • People come from different worlds and different lives. I don't mind a disagreement. Unfortunately people like you come on forums to post on a board to simply do that, disagree. I don't see any previous post from you, therefore I wasn't speaking to you. But thank you for your kind advice. I hope the new year brings you joy and something to keep you busy, since you have nothing to do to make better use of your time.
  • lyndausvi said:


    We had all of DH's siblings in my wedding.  I wasn't close to DH's sisters, but it was important to him so I made it important to me.    So far all of the siblings have been in each other's weddings. There is one left to get married.   It will be interesting to see what happens.  I'm sure DH would be little sad if he isn't asked to be in that wedding, but he will get over it.     I was not asked to be their weddings. I never thought I would be. 

    On my side, I omitted one brother from my wedding.   Now that I think about it, only my sister was in all of our weddings.   The rest of us were all omitted from one wedding each.   NBD.    None of the in-laws were asked in any wedding.

    Now I will admit I was a little sad not being asked to be in my brother's wedding (first wedding of the family).  I was the only sibling not asked.   It stung.   I'm not going to lie.  But I quickly got over it (the dresses were so bad - dodged a bullet there.).  I was a reader and got to wear a kick ass dress that my sister, who was in the wedding, was jealous of.   13 years later I still asked that brother to be in my wedding.    No hard feelings.

    There are no hard rules here and just because you asked someone to be in a wedding doesn't mean they have to ask you.    
    Did you omitting your brother and other siblings being omitted due to the specific relationships with them? My FI's younger sister asked me to be in her wedding when I had been with my FI (boyfriend at the time) for only 6 months. My FI's older sister asked me to be in her wedding when I had been with him for only a year (boyfriend at the time). Their reasoning was due to the fact that family is family and they wanted to welcome me into theirs. They did that on a daily basis but that took it a step further (of course, this was contingent on my relationship with my FI at the time and that we were pretty serious, although no ring on the finger or any commitment to each others' future). Those two weddings brought me closer to his family, especially his sisters and I felt so honored. My FI will have my brothers stand up on his side because that's obviously how he's been raised as I will have his two sisters on my side (I'm closer to one of them over the other but their my FSILS regardless).

    I guess that is my hope with asking my brothers FI and hoping to create a stronger bond between the two of us. Also, simply because I just feel like it's the right thing to do.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    fall16 said:

    People come from different worlds and different lives. I don't mind a disagreement. Unfortunately people like you come on forums to post on a board to simply do that, disagree. I don't see any previous post from you, therefore I wasn't speaking to you. But thank you for your kind advice. I hope the new year brings you joy and something to keep you busy, since you have nothing to do to make better use of your time.

    All this post does is indicate how snotty and immature you are-and how naive. It's not your place to decide who can post on a public Internet forum, what they can post, or how. Get over yourself.
    NYCMercedes
  • Your brother and his fiancée are wrong and should immediately ask you to be in their wedding party.



    ...

    Isn't that what you wanted to hear? Sadly, no one with any sense is going to tell you that, because it simply isn't true. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt, but there is no right or wrong way to choose a wedding party. Or rather, there is, since you really shouldn't be asking anyone this far out from your wedding, but I think perhaps it's too late for that advice.
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    huskypuppy14
  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    fall16 said:
    People come from different worlds and different lives. I don't mind a disagreement. Unfortunately people like you come on forums to post on a board to simply do that, disagree. I don't see any previous post from you, therefore I wasn't speaking to you. But thank you for your kind advice. I hope the new year brings you joy and something to keep you busy, since you have nothing to do to make better use of your time.
    Seriously, take a deep breath and chill.  People gave their opinions.  You didn't like them.  People pointed out that they can post however they want on a public internet forum.  Somehow you escalated this into saying you were "slammed" and making assumptions about posters.

    Ask your brother's FI if you want to.  But we hear horror stories ALL.THE.TIME six months down the line about brides who asked someone to be in their wedding party simply to "create a stronger bond" and NOT because they were truly their nearest and dearest.  Personally, I can't imagine asking someone to be a bridesmaid just out of "obligation" or because it would be "the nice thing to do" (OR asking my FI to include MY family members, even if he wasn't close with them). 
    Anniversary

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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    fall16 said:

    We had all of DH's siblings in my wedding.  I wasn't close to DH's sisters, but it was important to him so I made it important to me.    So far all of the siblings have been in each other's weddings. There is one left to get married.   It will be interesting to see what happens.  I'm sure DH would be little sad if he isn't asked to be in that wedding, but he will get over it.     I was not asked to be their weddings. I never thought I would be. 

    On my side, I omitted one brother from my wedding.   Now that I think about it, only my sister was in all of our weddings.   The rest of us were all omitted from one wedding each.   NBD.    None of the in-laws were asked in any wedding.

    Now I will admit I was a little sad not being asked to be in my brother's wedding (first wedding of the family).  I was the only sibling not asked.   It stung.   I'm not going to lie.  But I quickly got over it (the dresses were so bad - dodged a bullet there.).  I was a reader and got to wear a kick ass dress that my sister, who was in the wedding, was jealous of.   13 years later I still asked that brother to be in my wedding.    No hard feelings.

    There are no hard rules here and just because you asked someone to be in a wedding doesn't mean they have to ask you.    
    Did you omitting your brother and other siblings being omitted due to the specific relationships with them? My FI's younger sister asked me to be in her wedding when I had been with my FI (boyfriend at the time) for only 6 months. My FI's older sister asked me to be in her wedding when I had been with him for only a year (boyfriend at the time). Their reasoning was due to the fact that family is family and they wanted to welcome me into theirs. They did that on a daily basis but that took it a step further (of course, this was contingent on my relationship with my FI at the time and that we were pretty serious, although no ring on the finger or any commitment to each others' future). Those two weddings brought me closer to his family, especially his sisters and I felt so honored. My FI will have my brothers stand up on his side because that's obviously how he's been raised as I will have his two sisters on my side (I'm closer to one of them over the other but their my FSILS regardless). I guess that is my hope with asking my brothers FI and hoping to create a stronger bond between the two of us. Also, simply because I just feel like it's the right thing to do.

    Being in a bridal party doesn't necessarily mean a stronger bond. Just get to know her in other ways.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    @fall16 - It's tradition in my family, too, to include all siblings in the wedding party. Apparently, your FSIL's family doesn't have the same tradition in regards to choosing the wedding party. There is no etiquette rule that says all siblings must be included in the wedding party, so she's not breaking any rules.

    As far as your brothers go, they can stand on your side or your groom's. How does your fi feel about including siblings?

    You should choose your wedding party 6 - 9 months before your wedding. By then, you'll know if you're close enough to your SIL to want to include her with the siblings.

                       
  • JennyColadaJennyColada Awesometown, CA member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I'm an only child, and family was never of a great significance to me. Like, even if I had a larger wedding I probably would have only given my parents any special role just because I knew if would hurt them if I didnt. But personally I don't care one way or the other. So it was a no-brainer to not ask SiL to be part of my wedding planning or in my WP (had one existed).

    I really just can't relate to people feeling like someone deserves a certain role simply because of the vagina that they came out of. If you're close then that's one thing, but if you're not then it's a whole different story.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited January 2015
    You asked questions, and people answered. How is that not helpful? Clearly, you didn't want the opinions of others if they were different from yours but rather validation for your own opinion, despite at one point saying it was nice to see the different opinions. Then you say you were slammed with a bunch of people who think only their opinions matter. You know we think only our opinion matter how? Because we expressed it? You know, like you expressed yours? Or is it because everyone had an opinion different from yours that didn't validate your feelings on the topic? And to say that someone is here just to disagree? Really? You know this how?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    theartistformerlyknownasJen4948
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    fall16 said:
    My point for even stating the situation going on with my brother was to give some background to my perspective. Of course I expect him to include his siblings, especially our little brother! We are close, that's the point. No, I'm not close to his future wife and I understand her position on not asking me but she is becoming apart of our family, she's marrying my brother. So yes, I do feel obligated to ask her to be a bridesmaid (wedding isn't for 2 more years). We have time to grow closer together before the wedding which I'm sure we will - best friends, probably not. Having her as a bridesmaid and being apart of the wedding festivities is something I can't see her not being apart of. Also, I came here to get opinions, not be slammed with people who think their opinions are the only ones that matter. I'm obviously new to this wedding stuff and trying to do my research. I would appreciate if only helpful things were said. Thank you.
    Sorry you come across as thinking your opinion is the only one that matters.    Sorry, it's not.


    To answer you question.  I just don't like that brother.  So I didn't put him in the wedding.  I didn't put my siblings'  spouses the wedding because I'm simply not close to them. I like them enough, but not close to them.  They were still in pictures.   I just saw no reason to put 3 extra people in my wedding just because of some weird sense of obligation. 

    On another note, some families are big.  I have 3 siblings.   DH has 3 siblings. If all of them were married (mine were all married, dh's were not), by your thinking I would have had to have 12 people in my wedding party just out of family obligation.   That doesn't include any friends.  Which by the way some people are closer to their friends than family.   Sorry, but that is just ridiculous.

    The reason I wasn't in my brother's wedding.  They decide to only have 3 people per side.   SIL asked her BFF, my sister and 1 of her sisters.  That is all the wanted.  As I said it stung a little being the only sibling on my side not in the wedding, but I quickly got over it.

    DH's brother is getting married.   On our side I'm the only one not in the wedding. All the siblings and the only BIL are in the wedding.   NBD.  I'm not close to any of them and had no expectations of being in the wedding.   

    Point is you need to let this go.  Their wedding, their choice.  It's okay to be disappointed.  As I've said a few times I understand the feeling when it happened to me, but you really just need to get over it and let it go.  They are not doing anything wrong by omitting you.  Nothing.   And by you getting all upset just makes you look bad.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • .
    fall16 said:
    People come from different worlds and different lives. I don't mind a disagreement. Unfortunately people like you come on forums to post on a board to simply do that, disagree. I don't see any previous post from you, therefore I wasn't speaking to you. But thank you for your kind advice. I hope the new year brings you joy and something to keep you busy, since you have nothing to do to make better use of your time.
    You can actually see why people come on internet boards? And you can see how they spend the rest of their time? That's amazing. I need a magical computer like that.
    slothiegalAddieCakeMairePoppy
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    fall16 said:
    People come from different worlds and different lives. I don't mind a disagreement. Unfortunately people like you come on forums to post on a board to simply do that, disagree. I don't see any previous post from you, therefore I wasn't speaking to you. But thank you for your kind advice. I hope the new year brings you joy and something to keep you busy, since you have nothing to do to make better use of your time.
    Who are you talking to here? Jen? Jen was the third post down, so what are you talking about. Also, not one person slammed you. Everyone just gave their opinions and said there was no etiquette rule that says you have to include siblings. Which there is not.

    Seriously, I just got Deja vu. 
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  • You're allowed to feel how you feel.   You aren't allowed to think that opinion = fact or to invent etiquette rules that don't exist.  The fact is, there's no requirement to have all your sibilings in your wedding.  You don't even need to have ANY of your siblings in the wedding and it's still fine by etiquette standards.    There may be family traditions but those are traditions only.    It's not rude to go against tradition.

    If you want to invite your brother's FI to be a BM then go ahead.   But don't do it to make you two closer and don't do it to think that you did something better than her.    She's under no obligation to include you in the WP.

    Just  a word of warning: Brides come on here all the time venting about an issue with the WP and say that they invited someone to be a BM thinking it would bring them closer together and it didn't.    Be careful with doing something like that if it's only going to set yourself up for disappointment.   If she's close enough to your brother that he wants to marry her but you don't feel close to her, do you see yourselves growing closer for any reason other than they're engaged? 
  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    I included my brother's wife, my other brother's GF, and H's sister. My two brothers gave me away and H's sister's husband was an usher. It was important to us that they were all included because we are very close with our siblings. However, you are in no means required to. You also cannot expect to be asked ot be in a wedding just because you were in there's, it doesn't work like that.

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