Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Party
loren817
member
not attending my brother's wedding and am unsure how to feel!
Hi all, I never post to these boards but I am in such a dilemma and do not know where else to turn. I am recently married (7 months) and next week is my older brothers' wedding. I have always been incredibly close to my brother, and I thought my future sister-in-law and I had a great relationship, but things are different now. I will attempt to make a long story short:
My brother and his fiancee' have been engaged for a year and a half and have not always been the most considerate to family when planning their wedding. A few months ago my brother informed our mother that he decided to not have a rabbi co-officiate their wedding, despite months of lying to her that they were looking for a rabbi. When I asked my brother and sister-in-law how they came to this decision, my brother said he didn't realize it would be a big deal and my sister in law stated that she "got lazy" and "didn't want to spend the money". Originally they had a rabbi, but the rabbi wouldn't co-officiate and so that was it for them. They found a deacon and basically said, screw it, no rabbi. My mom was incredibly hurt by this decision and the fact that my brother had been lying for over 7 months that he was searching for a rabbi, when he admitted that he did not. She said some things out of anger that are very regrettable. I do not agree with what she said, but I understand how angry she must have been to say it. Ultimately, a week later my mother and brother met with myself and my father and they both cried, apologized, and hugged it out. My brother told her he had no idea how important to her it was, and that he would tell his fiancee that they should consider finding a rabbi again. I did research for them and found three in one hour. However, my future sister in law was now so angry with my mother's comments that she refused to get a rabbi, purely out of spite and she admitted that to me. After another few weeks she decided that she would get a rabbi, but that my mother is not allowed in photos at the wedding and that if she comes within 20 feet of the bride she will be physically escorted out by the bride's brothers and uncles. My mom was incredibly upset, to say the least. Next, my sister in law's mother sent my mother an incredibly long and anti-semitic email. My mother did not respond hoping things would calm down. My father (who never said a bad word in all of this) called my future sister in law to say that he loves her and wants to try to discuss things and be a loving family again. She never returned his calls. The final straw came last week when my sister in law invited me to the rehearsal dinner. Unfortunately she is still holding a grudge against my mother and I was told that she would not be invited to the rehearsal, although my mother is still expected to pay for the party she is not invited too. I felt that this was too much and I finally said that I would not be able to attend the rehearsal dinner because I was disappointed in her decision, but that I would still be at the wedding. She then kicked me out of the bridal party and said I could no longer be a bridesmaid, which is her decision. I asked my brother if he wanted me to stand up for him on his side, since I have ALWAYS supported him, and he said he wants me up there but does not want to upset his fiancee, who by this point threatened me with the same physical violence as my mother, and also kicked me out of photos. I have tried to be neutral in all of this, but I don't think I can keep allowing her and my brother to hurt my mother, who has always been supportive of them. My sister in laws' ability to hold a grudge is incredible. Any way, I wanted a decision from my brother that I did not get, and he asked me to make it for him because he did not know what to do. I told him that I didn't want to make his day more hostile, and that I would not attend because it would be too upsetting for his fiancee. He thanked me. The wedding is in a week and we have not spoken since this last falling out two weeks ago. I doubt he will contact me. I am just not sure how I am supposed to feel. Yes, his wedding day is about him and he can make whatever decisions he wants, but why make such hurtful decisions? I have never seen him so afraid to stand up to someone, and his fiancee has already threatened to divorce him if she is upset on her wedding day. Is it just me, or is she nuts?!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: not attending my brother's wedding and am unsure how to feel!
She's definitely nuts, no arguing that.
But I do think your mom was out of line to get upset about them not having a rabbi; that's none of her business and it should have been their decision.
Either way, your sister in law's reactions are way out of line.
Formerly martha1818
ETA: should your brother choose to essentially ignore his future wife's actions, that tells you the type of relationship he wants with his family: whatever relationship his wife will allow him to have. Which is none.
I wish you guys all the best.
pinkrevenge is spot on. Your brother is an adult and it's up to him to put his foot down and tell this woman her behavior is completely unacceptable, but unfortunately he hasn't done that. And unfortunately there's nothing you or your parents can really do about it. I would advise that you try to keep things cordial with crazy bitch, but also keep your distance. She sounds really toxic and so does her anti-Semitic family. Gross.