Can you fire your MOH?

Knottie79829663

Like seriously my MOH is my sister and honestly if I had chose her I wouldn't be in this situation, so I guess i'm made at myself. SHe isn't helping with anything and my bridesmaids have already found and started to order their dresses and she still hasn't! Life wtf! Everytime I ask her about it shes like I will don't worry. I just want to demote her to a bridesmaid and let my bestfriend take her place. UGH I'm so frustrated. Then she has the audacity to get mad when I go to my best friend for wedding help., well honey i'm sorry but you suck as a MOH!

Would it be wrong for me to ask her politely to step back and let my best friend take her place?

fwtx5815

Yes, it would be wrong. That is a very damaging move, relationship-wise. 

The only things that BMs/MOHs are responsibile for are getting the dress (that is within their budget), showing up on time for the wedding, and smiling in pictures. If they OFFER to help with crafting, planning, etc. that's great -- but that's not their job.

Did you ask her what her dress budget is before picking one? Is there maybe something else that is going on with her that you don't know about? Try talking to her about non-wedding things. But please don't kick her out or "demote" her ("Demote"? Really? She's not an employee)

Knottie79829663

I understand that helping me isn't her job but don't volunteer to help or assist and then don't. I think that is flaky and only adds stress when you know someone is depending on you. I didn't really mean demote but couldn't find a better word lol because I still want her in my wedding but I don't think she should be my MOH bottom line. The only reason she is is because my mother told her she was. We aren't close at all. The thing is that we've already picked out a dress that she liked ALL she has to do is go order it. She originally was rushing about picking out dresses and now shes dragging out the process. I need this to be over and done with so I don't have to worry about it anymore.

fwtx5815

Knottie79829663 said:

I understand that helping me isn't her job but don't volunteer to help or assist and then don't. I think that is flaky and only adds stress when you know someone is depending on you. I didn't really mean demote but couldn't find a better word lol because I still want her in my wedding but I don't think she should be my MOH bottom line. The only reason she is is because my mother told her she was. We aren't close at all. The thing is that we've already picked out a dress that she liked ALL she has to do is go order it. She originally was rushing about picking out dresses and now shes dragging out the process. I need this to be over and done with so I don't have to worry about it anymore.

Your mother chose your MOH for you? That sounds like a whole other mess of an issue...

I agree that someone shouldn't offer help if they don't intend to fulfill the offer. That would be kind of a letdown. But as long as she shows up on the day with her dress, it'll be fine. And if she doesn't get the dress, she's basically taking herself out of your wedding party, without you having to remove her. This still makes me wonder though - has something happened in her life that has caused a financial strain? Or maybe she's dealing with some other personal issues?

Knottie79829663

Right? My mother chose my MOH and my wedding date (crazy I know) she believes that since she's paying for my reception it had to be on her time. Weddings always bring out the crazies 

Maggie0829

Knottie79829663 said:

I understand that helping me isn't her job but don't volunteer to help or assist and then don't. I think that is flaky and only adds stress when you know someone is depending on you. I didn't really mean demote but couldn't find a better word lol because I still want her in my wedding but I don't think she should be my MOH bottom line. The only reason she is is because my mother told her she was. We aren't close at all. The thing is that we've already picked out a dress that she liked ALL she has to do is go order it. She originally was rushing about picking out dresses and now shes dragging out the process. I need this to be over and done with so I don't have to worry about it anymore.

Is the bolded typical behavior?  If so, then her being flaky now should not be surprising.  People don't change just because you are getting married.

As for the dress just tell her the deadline for ordering it and leave it alone.  If she doesn't get the dress then she has basically taken herself out of the wedding.

The only person you can control here is you.  So instead of letting her stress you out, just ignore her shenanigans, stop asking her for help and stop worrying about the dress situation.

NYCMercedes

Knottie79829663 said:

Like seriously my MOH is my sister and honestly if I had chose her I wouldn't be in this situation, so I guess i'm made at myself. SHe isn't helping with anything and my bridesmaids have already found and started to order their dresses and she still hasn't! Life wtf! Everytime I ask her about it shes like I will don't worry. I just want to demote her to a bridesmaid and let my bestfriend take her place. UGH I'm so frustrated. Then she has the audacity to get mad when I go to my best friend for wedding help., well honey i'm sorry but you suck as a MOH!

Would it be wrong for me to ask her politely to step back and let my best friend take her place?

Knottie79829663 said:

Right? My mother chose my MOH and my wedding date (crazy I know) she believes that since she's paying for my reception it had to be on her time. Weddings always bring out the crazies 

Lots of crazy. Why don't you get mommy involved again and let her order the dress and let her deal with your sister?

wrigleyville

Given that the holidays just ended, I'd give her some leeway. Finances are tough for a lot of people right now. As long as she's nowhere near the dress ordering deadline, I'd just take a breath and let it go.

photokitty

Knottie79829663 said:

Right? My mother chose my MOH and my wedding date (crazy I know) she believes that since she's paying for my reception it had to be on her time. Weddings always bring out the crazies 

If I was paying for a reception then I too would demand it be on a date and time that worked for me. That's not crazy, it's being smart with your money. She who pays, has a say.

levioosa

Knottie79829663 said:

Like seriously my MOH is my sister and honestly if I had chose her I wouldn't be in this situation, so I guess i'm made at myself. SHe isn't helping with anything and my bridesmaids have already found and started to order their dresses and she still hasn't! Life wtf! Everytime I ask her about it shes like I will don't worry. I just want to demote her to a bridesmaid and let my bestfriend take her place. UGH I'm so frustrated. Then she has the audacity to get mad when I go to my best friend for wedding help., well honey i'm sorry but you suck as a MOH!

Would it be wrong for me to ask her politely to step back and let my best friend take her place?

Asking her to step down is a relationship ending move.  So is demoting her or replacing her.  All she is required to do is stand up next to you in the dress, on time, sober, and smiling for pictures.  MOH or bridesmaid, that is their only "duty."  When deciding on a dress you should also ask for your girls' budgets privately, and then purchase a dress that is at or below their budget. 

The only people required to help with your wedding (and pay for it) are you and your FI.  If your Mom is helping pay, she gets a say in things like the guest list, food, etc, but she doesn't get to pick your wedding party for you (although that ship has sailed). 

As far as your Mom goes, boundaries are your friend.  She does get some influence because she is paying, but you are within rights with certain issues to say, "Mom, this topic is no longer up for discussion.  Did you try that bean dip at Aunt Sally's at Christmas?" 

If you are within your sister's budget for a dress, let her know the details with ordering it and then let it go.  If she doesn't order it, then she has taken herself out of the wedding. 

thespeshulestsnowflake

Are you paying her? If not, then you cannot fire her.

Knottie79829663

All of the dresses picked out for my bridesmaids fit in everyone's budget. They agreed on the same dress and cost. I would never ask someone to overspend just for 1 day. Now that's crazy! I honestly feel that if the roles were reversed that I would be more help to my sister than she is to me currently. That's my only issue. If I don't start to feel better about her being in the role then I'll just have to talk to her about it.

But thanks for the advice you guys.

Maggie0829

Knottie79829663 said:

All of the dresses picked out for my bridesmaids fit in everyone's budget. They agreed on the same dress and cost. I would never ask someone to overspend just for 1 day. Now that's crazy! I honestly feel that if the roles were reversed that I would be more help to my sister than she is to me currently. That's my only issue. If I don't start to feel better about her being in the role then I'll just have to talk to her about it.

But thanks for the advice you guys.

But just because you would be more helpful does not mean that she needs to reciprocate what you would do for her.  Helping out is voluntary.  Does it suck if she is flaky?  Yes.  But she doesn't have to help you.  And she certainly doesn't have to help you just because you would help her.

Not sure exactly what you would talk to her about.  She really hasn't done anything wrong to warrant being talked to.

Knottie79829663

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie79829663 said:

All of the dresses picked out for my bridesmaids fit in everyone's budget. They agreed on the same dress and cost. I would never ask someone to overspend just for 1 day. Now that's crazy! I honestly feel that if the roles were reversed that I would be more help to my sister than she is to me currently. That's my only issue. If I don't start to feel better about her being in the role then I'll just have to talk to her about it.

But thanks for the advice you guys.

But just because you would be more helpful does not mean that she needs to reciprocate what you would do for her.  Helping out is voluntary.  Does it suck if she is flaky?  Yes.  But she doesn't have to help you.  And she certainly doesn't have to help you just because you would help her.

Not sure exactly what you would talk to her about.  She really hasn't done anything wrong to warrant being talked to.

I would talk to her to tell her how I'm feeling. I understand that helping is voluntary however if I know that someone else who would actually like to help without me asking and shares my same level of excitement, I personally would prefer them to have that role.

But thank you for thoughts

flantastic

Knottie79829663 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie79829663 said:

All of the dresses picked out for my bridesmaids fit in everyone's budget. They agreed on the same dress and cost. I would never ask someone to overspend just for 1 day. Now that's crazy! I honestly feel that if the roles were reversed that I would be more help to my sister than she is to me currently. That's my only issue. If I don't start to feel better about her being in the role then I'll just have to talk to her about it.

But thanks for the advice you guys.

But just because you would be more helpful does not mean that she needs to reciprocate what you would do for her.  Helping out is voluntary.  Does it suck if she is flaky?  Yes.  But she doesn't have to help you.  And she certainly doesn't have to help you just because you would help her.

Not sure exactly what you would talk to her about.  She really hasn't done anything wrong to warrant being talked to.

I would talk to her to tell her how I'm feeling. I understand that helping is voluntary however if I know that someone else who would actually like to help without me asking and shares my same level of excitement, I personally would prefer them to have that role.

But thank you for thoughts

It's a valid feeling to want the person you're closest to as a MOH, but it's moot now.

If your BMs really want to help because they're closer to you, though, they shouldn't feel hindered from offering to help just because they're not your MOH. You can still accept their help if they offer it, just like you could if they were in a different role. Either way, they'd have to offer.

wrigleyville

The MOH "role" is not given to the person who helps you most. It's not something you try out for, like first chair in an orchestra. The MOH is just that - the maid of honor. It's meant to honor the person you put in that position. It's not handed out like an Oscar for best performance. You don't "earn" it.

When I chose my MOH, I chose my very best friend. I did not have any expectations of how much she would help me because I didn't care. I chose her as MOH because she is my closest friend and feels like a sister to me.

I understand that it sucks when someone says they'll help and then flake out, but that's not enough to remove that honorary title, in my opinion. The MOH title is not a reward for good work.

Maggie0829

wrigleyville said:

The MOH "role" is not given to the person who helps you most. It's not something you try out for, like first chair in an orchestra. The MOH is just that - the maid of honor. It's meant to honor the person you put in that position. It's not handed out like an Oscar for best performance. You don't "earn" it.

When I chose my MOH, I chose my very best friend. I did not have any expectations of how much she would help me because I didn't care. I chose her as MOH because she is my closest friend and feels like a sister to me.

I understand that it sucks when someone says they'll help and then flake out, but that's not enough to remove that honorary title, in my opinion. The MOH title is not a reward for good work.

All of this.

The MOH is not the one who will do the most for you.  It is the person you feel closest too.  I understand that your Mom basically told you that your sister is your MOH and that sucks but it is what it is.  If your other BMs want to help you then great.  But just because they help you doesn't mean that they deserve to be the MOH anymore then your sister does.  These roles (MOH and BM) are to honor people the you love and hold dear, NOT because they earned those spots by helping you out with wedding stuff.

So, no, you don't have anything to discuss with your sister.  The only thing talking to her will do is cause unnecessary drama.

[Deleted User]

thisismynickname2

I can offer a little bit different perspective. My sister was my MOH and I was hers, not because we're close. We're not. We only started getting along in adulthood. We choose each other because we're sisters.

Just because we each held the title doesn't mean we had to "be there" for each other through the wedding planning process. My sister offered to help with anything but I didn't take her up on the offer. I didn't really need help anyway, but we also rarely talk on the phone or see each other in the first place. When I wanted to talk wedding stuff, I talked to my actual best friend.  Just because my actual best friend held the title of bridesmaid didn't mean she couldn't be my number 1 source of support. I turned to my best friend when I vented about hotel blocks, or when I couldn't decide on a hair style. Things like that. 

My point is, let your best friend be your best friend and don't give a darn about titles that have been assigned. 

Maggie0829

thisismynickname said:

I can offer a little bit different perspective. My sister was my MOH and I was hers, not because we're close. We're not. We only started getting along in adulthood. We choose each other because we're sisters.

Just because we each held the title doesn't mean we had to "be there" for each other through the wedding planning process. My sister offered to help with anything but I didn't take her up on the offer. I didn't really need help anyway, but we also rarely talk on the phone or see each other in the first place. When I wanted to talk wedding stuff, I talked to my actual best friend.  Just because my actual best friend held the title of bridesmaid didn't mean she couldn't be my number 1 source of support. I turned to my best friend when I vented about hotel blocks, or when I couldn't decide on a hair style. Things like that. 

My point is, let your best friend be your best friend and don't give a darn about titles that have been assigned. 

This is exactly how my sister and I are and exactly how it was during my wedding planning.

VulgarGirl

Wanna know who helped me with wedding stuff? My now wife. So look at the person you're marrying, they should be helping you. And the wedding planner we hired (and paid) to help.

If your friend wants to help you do something...let them help you. They don't need to be a MOH to help if they want to. Notice I keep saying the word want. If Joy is super excited about your flowers and really wants to come with you when you meet with the florist, invite Joy along. Even if Joy is not your MOH.

lovesclimbing

Knottie79829663 said:

I understand that helping me isn't her job but don't volunteer to help or assist and then don't. I think that is flaky and only adds stress when you know someone is depending on you. I didn't really mean demote but couldn't find a better word lol because I still want her in my wedding but I don't think she should be my MOH bottom line. The only reason she is is because my mother told her she was. We aren't close at all. The thing is that we've already picked out a dress that she liked ALL she has to do is go order it. She originally was rushing about picking out dresses and now shes dragging out the process. I need this to be over and done with so I don't have to worry about it anymore.

When you first found out, why didn't you say, "I'm sorry, but Mom was mistaken.  I would love it if you were one of my bridesmaids."

If you had corrected it immediately, you wouldn't have a MOH you don't want. Other people shouldn't be picking your wedding party for you.

Unfortunately, since you went along with it, that ship has sailed.  I was the MOH for my sister.  I would have been incredibly hurt if she had demoted me and put her best friend in my place.  Note, I would not have been hurt if she had simply chosen her best friend as MOH, but asking someone to be MOH and then saying you don't want them as that any longer would be incredibly hurtful.

blushingbride8888

I get being stressed and overwhelmed but as other knotties have said, bridesmaids, MOHs whatever are only required to show up sober and wearing the dress on your wedding day. I know you want her to be as excited about your wedding as you are, but you can't expect that of her.

If one of your bridesmaids offers to help with something or has an interest in something then take her up on the offer. That's fine. But you can't expect them all to be your wedding servants for the next year. The bridal industry has put all these insane ideas in our heads about "duties" and they're just not true.

Don't demote her. Have a big glass of wine and try to let it go. As for ordering her dress, provide her with a deadline of the last day she can order. The end.

lauraukoctober2014

Why do you need titles anyway? Get rid of them and just have your best girls and your sister stand with you