Etiquette Confessions

theartistformerlyknownas

okulew29 said:

So I'm not married yet, but I don't know that I want to do a ton of inserts, so I'm thinking about just doing one that says to check the app/website for any pertinent information.

Would that be bad?

Yes.

How much pertinent information is there? You don't need a ton of inserts, but you shouldn't rely on people going online to find the information they need. All you really NEED though is time and address, which can both go on your invitation if the ceremony and reception are in the same place, plus an RSVP card.

Meal descriptions, shuttle info, etc can go on the website.

JennyColada

God, I'm so happy that I have a small wedding so that I didn't have to stress about all that insert and information stuff.

ShesSoCold

amelisha said:

Every wedding I've bartended, I've put up a tip jar. No regrets. 

Of course, no bride or groom has ever tipped me themselves or even offered a reasonable wage, so I wouldn't have even worked those events if I'd been told "no tip jar." 

If I were to hire a bartender for an event of my own (and when I do hire them for work events), they get paid properly and thus wouldn't require a jar, but if they're making garbage money and you're not going to tip them yourself, not cool.

STUCK - 

Yeah that's crap. We tipped up front. Our open bar also ended at 11:30 and some people were still there. We had told the girl we worked with that we would pay the tab for any additional but somehow this hadn't been passed along to the staff. So we told the bartender and the working manager. Everyone had left by like 11:45 and there were maybe four more drinks. When we left, they told us not to worry about it. We tipped the bartender $100 additional. 

Fran1985

amelisha said:

Every wedding I've bartended, I've put up a tip jar. No regrets. 

Of course, no bride or groom has ever tipped me themselves or even offered a reasonable wage, so I wouldn't have even worked those events if I'd been told "no tip jar." 

If I were to hire a bartender for an event of my own (and when I do hire them for work events), they get paid properly and thus wouldn't require a jar, but if they're making garbage money and you're not going to tip them yourself, not cool.

Just want to clarify that I did tip my bartenders of course

Couggal12

amelisha said:

Every wedding I've bartended, I've put up a tip jar. No regrets. 

Of course, no bride or groom has ever tipped me themselves or even offered a reasonable wage, so I wouldn't have even worked those events if I'd been told "no tip jar." 

If I were to hire a bartender for an event of my own (and when I do hire them for work events), they get paid properly and thus wouldn't require a jar, but if they're making garbage money and you're not going to tip them yourself, not cool.

We properly tipped our bartenders and paid them on top of that as well. 

amelisha

@Couggal12 and @Fran1985, I said "every wedding I've bartended", not every wedding ever, no worries. My point was meant to be that that's technically a faux pas I've personally committed (putting out the jar at all), not that the posters in this thread had done something wrong by not wanting a tip jar. Wasn't intending to accuse anyone of anything.

labro

Couggal12 said:

amelisha said:

Every wedding I've bartended, I've put up a tip jar. No regrets. 

Of course, no bride or groom has ever tipped me themselves or even offered a reasonable wage, so I wouldn't have even worked those events if I'd been told "no tip jar." 

If I were to hire a bartender for an event of my own (and when I do hire them for work events), they get paid properly and thus wouldn't require a jar, but if they're making garbage money and you're not going to tip them yourself, not cool.

We properly tipped our bartenders and paid them on top of that as well. 

Ours were also tipped and paid above minimum wage, I don't remember the dollar amount anymore but our venue only worked with a few individuals (the venue owner handled the bartending, not the catering company) so she paid them well. Honestly, this is something I just don't care about etiquette wise unless it's the B&G trying to get around tipping and they put out a giant sign and make it super obvious. There are things worse than a subtle tip jar at an open bar wedding...like a cash bar.

theycallmelinz

We haven't gotten married yet, but here are mine.

1. I'm not doing a seating chart. I would have no idea how to sit people together so they'd all have a good time.

2. We aren't providing a shuttle service to/from the ceremony/reception location and hotels. FI and I have discussed renting 1 or 2 vans and paying someone to act as a DD, but I don't know who we would get to do this, and I don't see us having the extra money for it regardless. =/

okulew29

lolo883 said:

okulew29 said:

So I'm not married yet, but I don't know that I want to do a ton of inserts, so I'm thinking about just doing one that says to check the app/website for any pertinent information.

Would that be bad?

Yes.

How much pertinent information is there? You don't need a ton of inserts, but you shouldn't rely on people going online to find the information they need. All you really NEED though is time and address, which can both go on your invitation if the ceremony and reception are in the same place, plus an RSVP card.

Meal descriptions, shuttle info, etc can go on the website.

Time and address yes would be on invitation.  I was talking as far as hotel information and to travel in between (although there will also be a shuttle).  I just planned to include the invite with adress and time, an RSVP, and an insert with site/app for travel and lodging information.

PrettyGirlLost

1. I used labels on my envelopes.

2. I didn't do assigned seating.

3.  I didn't provide shuttle service for guests- although I don't think that's an actual etiquette thing.  It's a nice extra if you can do it, but I don't believe it's required same as hotel room blocks are not required. Guests are responsible for their own transportation and lodging.

hellosweetie1015

lolo883 said:

beethery said:

FI and the dudes are going to wear tuxes to our 5pm wedding. Devil take the hindmost and blow it out your ass lol

My dad wore a tux (4:00 ceremony). He "outdressed the groom" since H wore a 3-piece suit. Not a single fuck was given. H was thrilled to not be dressed in a penguin suit, and looked damn hot in his suit.

My dad walked me down the aisle, and wanted to wear a tux "befitting the escort of a princess" and I wasn't about to tell him no.

Reading through this but I couldn't not - OMG that's adorable.

emmaaa

1. No assigned seating and it worked out fine. People were not distraught looking for seats.

2. I totally b-listed (if that's the term) because there were two people we forgot to invite at first and invited them two weeks late.

3. We also did not have a bartender, the kegs and wine were self-serve.

lovemyrunner

Two things I know some Knotties will hate:
1) There will most likely be a short gap,around an hour between the end of the ceremony and start of the cocktail hour.  Haven't determined the start time with the priest yet, so I'm not sure how long exactly.  Travel time between the ceremony site and the reception will take up about 20 minutes of that gap.  If I can do a 3 o'clock ceremony, there may be little to no gap.

2) There will probably be a dollar dance.  It is traditional in my family, all of our weddings include them.  I would have been fine leaving it out, but FI wants to do it.  I understand why some consider it a faux pas, but no one is ever forced to participate in a dollar dance, as opposed to a cash bar where you have to pay to drink anything other than water.

jenna8984

Fran1985 said:

jenna8984 said:

Apparently "the honor of your presence" wording is supposed to be for church weddings only. I still don't understand that and don't give a shit. I used it for my restaurant wedding.

Also, when I canceled my large wedding, I still had the immediate family one on the same day. I was told here that it was wrong and I needed to postpone it entirely to make it a "different event". My parents already had plane tickets and the honeymoon was already booked so fuck anyone who really expected me to change the date of it.

What you did was disinvite people, not cancel your big wedding. Honestly no one was rude to you about it they just gave you etiquette advice, I really think saying "fuck you" to people who commented on that is over the top.

I sent out my invites a week or so early and a tip jar was out about half way through the reception but at that point I wasn't going to make a scene about it.

@fran1985 True, I suppose it was a mass disinvite even though the venue changed. I didn't mean that in any mean spirited way. To me & my family saying fuck you is the same as saying shut up. So I definitely didn't mean it to be all literal and "I hate you all".

melbenso

We didn't send an invite to one of H's friends who we had sent a Save the Date to.  They had a falling out between STDs and invites and haven't talked since then, so he didn't really care about tanking the friendship.

ETA - I was going to uninvite one of my bridesmaids.  She suffered a mental breakdown and while technically not a danger to herself or others was not capable of behaving remotely appropriately in any social setting before she got treatment. Fortunately, she realized on her own that she was in no shape to be in or attend the wedding and told me that she wouldn't be able to be there before the deadline I had imposed for "If she's not better yet, I have to tell her she can't come to the wedding."  (She's been in treatment for about 10 months now, is doing great, and our friendship is now as strong as it ever was, BTW.)

l9i

I used labels for envelopes, both invites, and thank you cards (I did hand write thank you notes for every person, not some pre-typed cookie cutter). 

And I know this is a big no no but when a groomsman turned it down, we asked someone else.  Opps.

[Deleted User]

I had no idea it wasn't cool to wear a tux before 6pm.  Every wedding I've been to was an afternoon wedding (1-3pm start time) and the gents were in their penguin suits.

I got my fiance to come around to the idea of a suit because a tux just seemed too formal for us (we're not formal people IRL) and for our event.  He's now loving the suit idea.  Since we're having a brunch wedding, which is obviously earlier than 6pm, I'm even more glad he came around to the idea.

hellosweetie1015

So... not married yet, but I might get kicked off TK for this anyway.

My original plans involved: 

- A beach wedding of about 25 people (which is ONLY the VVVIPs: our parents, my siblings, and our grandparents)

- A later, at-home reception of extended family 

- ...the above being potluck/grillout style. *ducks thrown objects*

fwtx5815

I just realized like, yesterday that we're breaking etiquette and while there's plenty of time to correct it, I won't.

Backstory:
My dad's wife has always been the biggest pain in the ass and has driven a wedge between me and my dad pretty much since they've been married (8ish years) because she's so dramatic. I seriously believe she thinks we're in competition with each other. Like, lady, chill out. Luckily, my dad and I still have managed to have a good relationship despite the fact that she and I aren't and will likely never be on good terms. But ever since I got engaged, her asshole factor has amplified and she even had her teenage son involved.

My fiancé and I went out to dinner with my dad and his wife the week after we got engaged to celebrate and talk about wedding planning. Without going into the long story, we ended up leaving the table in the middle of one of her insulting rants to go home. We got up, I kissed my dad on the cheek and said I love you, thank you for dinner, and left them at the table with her still spewing her bullshit. Her son FB messaged me before we even left the restaurant, which really just makes my disdain for his mother that much worse- the fact that she was texting him as it was happening. I promptly told him to fuck off and blocked him. They ended up coming to our apartment unannounced early the next morning and my dad apologized for her; she didn't even speak.

A few weeks later she tried to use my dad's monetary contribution to the wedding to weasel her way into the planning (as in, tried to contact our vendors). I told my dad if he was going to allow that, that we would not be accepting money from him and she wouldn't be invited.

TLDR: the actual breach- her son, who is a teenager but has graduated high school, is going to be on my dad and his wife's invite rather than getting his own. The little shit (and his mother) are lucky theyre even invited.

JCbride2015

Also not married yet.  I have mentioned this before, but we partially paid for our own engagement party.  FILs started planning it, wanted to invite way more people than their original budget, so we paid for about half.  I'm not sure how many, if any, guests had any idea, but I still wish we hadn't.

I also plan not to invite three women who were invited to the e-party, which I know is bad.  They did not RSVP for the e-party and none of us have had any  contact in the past year or so.  I'm ready to let those friendships die.

PrettyGirlLost

hellosweetie1015 said:

lolo883 said:

beethery said:

FI and the dudes are going to wear tuxes to our 5pm wedding. Devil take the hindmost and blow it out your ass lol

My dad wore a tux (4:00 ceremony). He "outdressed the groom" since H wore a 3-piece suit. Not a single fuck was given. H was thrilled to not be dressed in a penguin suit, and looked damn hot in his suit.

My dad walked me down the aisle, and wanted to wear a tux "befitting the escort of a princess" and I wasn't about to tell him no.

Reading through this but I couldn't not - OMG that's adorable.

Oh that reminds me- the men wore tuxedos to my 3pm ceremony.  Only my father wore a morning coat.

A suit would not have been formal enough to stand on that altar next to my dress, sorrynotsorry!

wandajune6

There was a tip jar at our bar. I didn't notice until later in the evening. I did notice that someone stuck a $50 in there and that there wasn't much else in there.

We had a lot of "and guests" on escort cards. We got sick of waiting for DH's friends to tell us who their dates were. Shockingly, half of these guys claimed they were bringing dates but ended up solo.

mrsk616

not married yet but i know we will have a gap most likely because its the norm in my family. other than that i dont think we will be breaking any others. 

theartistformerlyknownas

hellosweetie1015 said:

lolo883 said:

beethery said:

FI and the dudes are going to wear tuxes to our 5pm wedding. Devil take the hindmost and blow it out your ass lol

My dad wore a tux (4:00 ceremony). He "outdressed the groom" since H wore a 3-piece suit. Not a single fuck was given. H was thrilled to not be dressed in a penguin suit, and looked damn hot in his suit.

My dad walked me down the aisle, and wanted to wear a tux "befitting the escort of a princess" and I wasn't about to tell him no.

Reading through this but I couldn't not - OMG that's adorable.

He's pretty stinkin' cute. He also told me that he'd drive me there in a pumpkin coach if he could just find one to rent. 

And he looked so handsome in his tux!

lacqueredlover

Apparently I'm making an etiquette violation by having my wedding be Black Tie Optional but I could give two fucks, it's how my circle does it when tuxedos are not required and it's happening.

thisismynickname2

@prettygirllost, that picture with everything is to die for. 

To the original question-- Honestly, I tried damn hard to do everything E-approved. I went to Crane's to find out how to properly address invitation envelopes and hand-wrote those suckers.  The only thing I can think of that I willingly did was not pay for (expensive city) parking. I had to draw the line somewhere. 

The glaring etiquette blunder was my husband's. One of his groomsmen dropped out two weeks before the wedding. DH insisted on replacing him. He then also "promoted" a groomsman to Best Man (he hadn't named one before).  Everyone seemed really happy with the arrangement but I felt awkward as hell. 

Cookie Pusher

JCbride2015 said:

Also not married yet.  I have mentioned this before, but we partially paid for our own engagement party.  FILs started planning it, wanted to invite way more people than their original budget, so we paid for about half.  I'm not sure how many, if any, guests had any idea, but I still wish we hadn't.

I also plan not to invite three women who were invited to the e-party, which I know is bad.  They did not RSVP for the e-party and none of us have had any  contact in the past year or so.  I'm ready to let those friendships die.

More room for me, @lolo883, and @MagicInk!

FutureMrsN3312

We  I didn't invite someone who I sent a STD to.  She was an old coworker (we worked together when STDs went out).  She was also invited to my bridal shower.  She didn't come, which is fine but at least have the decency to RSVP.  I had also text her a bunch of times and never heard back so I didn't send her an invite.

And her "bf" did get invited but not with a plus 1.  Back story:  We weren't supposed to know they were dating.  She didn't want anyone to know but the bf told my FI.  So I acted like I didn't know about them and just sent him an invite.  In theory he was truly single so he didn't need a plus one.

This isn't really etiquette per say but as my girls and I were getting ready to leave my hotel suite when my dad came in and said "BM's gf doesn't have a ride to the church.  Can she ride on the party bus with us"  I was going to give in and just say yea whatever BUT 1-I don't really like her...2-No one else's SOs were taking the bus....3-I went to dinner with BM and gf the night before.  She never mentioned not having a ride.  And to send my dad to my room to ask??? No way bitch.  Kick rocks...

I honestly couldn't tell you if we had a tip jar at the bars.  Our mat're d made sure to keep us well fed and hydrated the entire evening.

ETA:I sent STDs 11 months before...it was a May wedding and a "friend" booked her wedding the exact same day.  I also used labels for my STDs and Wedding Invitations.  Clear labels but still labels.  I couldn't see wasting the money on printed envelopes.

ShesSoCold

thisismynickname said:

@prettygirllost, that picture with everything is to die for. 

To the original question-- Honestly, I tried damn hard to do everything E-approved. I went to Crane's to find out how to properly address invitation envelopes and hand-wrote those suckers.  The only thing I can think of that I willingly did was not pay for (expensive city) parking. I had to draw the line somewhere. 

The glaring etiquette blunder was my husband's. One of his groomsmen dropped out two weeks before the wedding. DH insisted on replacing him. He then also "promoted" a groomsman to Best Man (he hadn't named one before).  Everyone seemed really happy with the arrangement but I felt awkward as hell. 

STUCK ---

To the bolded, we got fucked paying for parking. We got married at the John Hancock and called the parking garage company to pay for the parking. We bought like 15 parking passes (at like $35 or more each) and gave them to people as they were leaving. Apparently some of them didn't work and some people had to pay for their own parking. We were pissed and called to bitch, but no one cared and we signed a "no refund" form when we got them. And really, what were we going to do about it now?

hellohkb

I haven't had my wedding yet but I am considering possibly wearing black. Apparently that will cause people to assume we're actually at a funeral. At a hotel on a Saturday evening with a DJ and a cake.

One thing I did that's a bit rude was not respond to a friend's bridal shower invite- But I didn't respond because I was salty/thoroughly amused that they put the wrong name on my invite. Not even improper spelling- A completely different name. I should not have been salty about it at all, but whatever.