Open Bar = RUDE

levioosa

xx802xx said:

Don't come to VT for a wedding/ reception, I'm having my wedding in another state where the caterer is catering to me, with an open bar included in my package. I looked at 6 venues in VT and NONE of the ones I looked at had an open bar as part of there packages. It was extra and by drink.

So I guess etiquette is completely varied per state on what is considered acceptable. 

What?  No it isn't.  Price and options have nothing to do with etiquette. 

PrettyGirlLost

xx802xx said:

Don't come to VT for a wedding/ reception, I'm having my wedding in another state where the caterer is catering to me, with an open bar included in my package. I looked at 6 venues in VT and NONE of the ones I looked at had an open bar as part of there packages. It was extra and by drink.

So I guess etiquette is completely varied per state on what is considered acceptable. 

No, what venues offer to you has nothing to do with etiquette.  Venues don't give a flying rat's ass about etiquette.  They care about making money.

Regardless of what a venue chooses to offer, etiquette on this soesn't change.

redoryx

xx802xx said:

Don't come to VT for a wedding/ reception, I'm having my wedding in another state where the caterer is catering to me, with an open bar included in my package. I looked at 6 venues in VT and NONE of the ones I looked at had an open bar as part of there packages. It was extra and by drink.

So I guess etiquette is completely varied per state on what is considered acceptable. 

That sounds like a consumption bar, which means it's still technically an open bar in that guests don't pay. The host just pays at the end after all drinks have been ordered. It's like keeping an open tab at a bar or restaurant so they can't include it in the package because they don't know what it will cost until the event is over.  

xx802xx

levioosa said:

xx802xx said:

Don't come to VT for a wedding/ reception, I'm having my wedding in another state where the caterer is catering to me, with an open bar included in my package. I looked at 6 venues in VT and NONE of the ones I looked at had an open bar as part of there packages. It was extra and by drink.

So I guess etiquette is completely varied per state on what is considered acceptable. 

What?  No it isn't.  Price and options have nothing to do with etiquette. 

I've only been to one open bar wedding in the past. Everyone excited for my wedding so far thinks the open bar is a bonus...above average. Most guests who know it will be open were expecting to pay as we all have at many other weddings in the past. I'm not calling it etiquette of the other weddings...but at least for what myself and my guests have attended in the past...it's been more expected to have a cash bar.

It doesn't seem like really bad etiquate when your not really used to anything else

VulgarGirl

Have. The. Wedding. You. Can. Afford. How is this complicated?

I did it. I'm not a fucking math wizard or account and I managed to figure out what my wedding budget was and how many people I could properly host within that budget. Get your shit together, don't make people pay for shit at your reception. How is it that hard to figure out?

levioosa

xx802xx said:

levioosa said:

xx802xx said:

Don't come to VT for a wedding/ reception, I'm having my wedding in another state where the caterer is catering to me, with an open bar included in my package. I looked at 6 venues in VT and NONE of the ones I looked at had an open bar as part of there packages. It was extra and by drink.

So I guess etiquette is completely varied per state on what is considered acceptable. 

What?  No it isn't.  Price and options have nothing to do with etiquette. 

I've only been to one open bar wedding in the past. Everyone excited for my wedding so far thinks the open bar is a bonus...above average. Most guests who know it will be open were expecting to pay as we all have at many other weddings in the past. I'm not calling it etiquette of the other weddings...but at least for what myself and my guests have attended in the past...it's been more expected to have a cash bar.

It doesn't seem like really bad etiquate when your not really used to anything else

Tradition does not equal etiquette. 

xx802xx

levioosa said:

xx802xx said:

levioosa said:

xx802xx said:

Don't come to VT for a wedding/ reception, I'm having my wedding in another state where the caterer is catering to me, with an open bar included in my package. I looked at 6 venues in VT and NONE of the ones I looked at had an open bar as part of there packages. It was extra and by drink.

So I guess etiquette is completely varied per state on what is considered acceptable. 

What?  No it isn't.  Price and options have nothing to do with etiquette. 

I've only been to one open bar wedding in the past. Everyone excited for my wedding so far thinks the open bar is a bonus...above average. Most guests who know it will be open were expecting to pay as we all have at many other weddings in the past. I'm not calling it etiquette of the other weddings...but at least for what myself and my guests have attended in the past...it's been more expected to have a cash bar.

It doesn't seem like really bad etiquate when your not really used to anything else

Tradition does not equal etiquette. 

You can at least understand why my assumption of bad cash bar wedding etiquette has been skewed

banana468

I can get that if what you're used to is a cash bar then you've come to accept the cash bar as the norm.

Similarly, if you came to accept a Last Supper style head table as the norm, you could be a BM or GM and just assume that you're going to be seated at a table facing the rest of the guests and only able to talk to the people on either side of you.

That hardly means that following the norm was acceptable.   It just means that it was the custom for the local area.    

It's common to light a fart on fire in a frat house.  That doesn't make it proper etiquette. 

nhultberg461

banana468 said:

nhultberg461 said:

I'm in agreement with the bride and groom paying for the alcohol at the reception. How would you handle the situation when the funds have run dry, and the couple cannot afford to put anymore funds on the tab to keep the alcohol flowing, how would you handle that then?

Oh, my answer to this is: PLAN BETTER.

Seriously.   If you're running a budget so tightly that you're sent to the poor house because Uncle Ebeneezer has asked for another Midleton neat then you budgeted too tightly.      

If the ballroom wedding with open bar is going to be too much but you want alcohol then scale back.   Make it a brunch or a backyard event.   Make it casual or at an off time.  Cut back on flowers, the limo and do DIY invitations.   

A guest won't flip out if you served pasta over filet or if you opt for a casserole instead of Beef Wellington.   But they will be upset if they find out that the hosts didn't do their job. 

I wish we had the backyard do have it, then I wouldn't worry so much. But I don't want to worry that I have guests that are overly drinking just because the bar is paid, I know I can choose the types and that would help with the budget. I'm also thinking that I might hold my ceremony and reception at a hotel/casino here in Vegas, so that might help too.

I wonder if they would be poor judgement to buy pizza as another way to save. I'm just kidding

banana468

Honestly, I think pizza and beer could be perfect.   Or pasta casseroles!

My point is that you're going to have unforseen circumstances.   You don't buy a house if you can just barely make the mortgage payments each month.   You need to plan that you'll need to fix that broken water heater, the smoking thermostat in the basement or the water tank that broke and forced the well pump to run on overdrive (not that I'm speaking from personal experience or anything!).  And in a wedding things happen too.       

ohannabelle

xx802xx said:

adk19 said:

xx802xx said:

I think that it's less convenient for a guest to have a cash bar, but most of your guests should understand the expenses you've already dished out on the event. And based on your budget or guest list...drinks can pile up fast! I've been to weddings with open bars, cash bars, open cocktail but cash reception and it's always been fine for everyone...although people got more loose at open bar weddings. 

Your guests may let loose more and maybe enjoy them selves more with an open bar, but it's up to you and our budget. A nice middle ground I've seen is where beer, wine and soda was open, but you had to pay for hard liquor, or there was a signature drink along with beer wine and soda that was open but anything else was paid for by the guest.

db1984 said:

Would all of these people who think a cash bar is perfectly fine be equally as comfortable with inviting friends into their homes for dinner and charging them for alcohol in that setting? Same thing.

The idea of a cash bar gives me a headache.

I can't see the comparison...an extensively planned/ expensive wedding and Friday dinner and drinks with your friends at your place after work are not even on the same page for me. I see where you are trying to make the connection between paying at your house and paying at a wedding...but dishing out $50- $100 on alcohol at your house for a few friends is way different then the possibilities of a few $1000 if you have a strict budget.

I will be having an open bar, but I researched having only beer, wine, soda and a signature drink to help cut a little cost and my caterer's "discount" for not having an open bar was so laughable that they will actually make a ton less if I keep it open for my guests.

 

No, it's not different at all.  It's just a matter of degrees.  If you can only afford to invite two friends over and open a couple bottles of wine with them, you can't invite more than two friends over.  If your budget allows you to invite 10 people over for the Superbowl, buy a couple 24-packs of beer and a handle of Jack, then you can't invite 25 people.  If your wedding budget allows you to have 100 people for a chicken dinner, beer and wine, then you can't invite 300 people and offer top shelf liquor.  The situation isn't different, the size is.  If you can't afford to buy EVERYthing for EVERYone, then you can't afford to invite them all.  Either invite fewer people or serve less expensive stuff, but you can't ask your friends to pay for it for you.

 

So are you also paying for everyone's hotel rooms too because you wouldn't charge someone to stay the night over at your house? Same thing right?

I agree that when an open bar can be provided, your guests may be happier...but I've never heard someone at a wedding complain that the bride and groom invited them but wasn't going to pay for them to drink...only eat or eat and only have beer or wine, not a double martini. Hopefully your loving guests are their to support you in your marriage...not complain about having to pay for a drink.

Really? Honestly? Not even remotely logical.

If I had invited people for dinner, I pay for dinner. Beginning to end, everything.

If I had invited someone to a reception, I pay for the reception.

If I invite someone to stay a weekend at my house, then they'd stay at my house. If for some reason (collapsing ceiling, whatever the fuck) my house was no longer available, then yes, I'd pay for a hotel. 

Because that's what I'd offered. A weekends accommodation. 

But inviting someone for dinner and drinks doesn't carry an expectation of overnight accommodations. That's absurd. 

Because a guest is a guest is a guest is a guest. A guest doesn't pay. If they do, they aren't a guest, they're a paying customer. Paying for my party. 

SP29

There is nothing wrong with a dry wedding- that is just fine etiquette wise.

There is also nothing wrong with serving only beer and wine- as long as you are not offering tiered service. 

If beer and wine are offered, other drinks, for a price, should not be available. Sure people say but Uncle Bob only drinks Jack and Coke so he should be able to have that- that would be poor etiquette to present whiskey but make the guest pay for it once they've ordered. You also confuse guests if they order a beer (free) and then order something else and then are expected to cough up cash. An event should be hosted properly, but in that case, a guest should also graciously accept what is hosted. If a guest complains they can't have whiskey (or any alcohol because the wedding is dry), that's on them. Either way, something should not be dangled in front of a guest "for a price", or provided un-equally (one person has no cash so only gets the beer while everyone else is enjoying other drinks)- as ohannabelle said, then they are no longer a guest. 

Cash bars are not a norm for me. When I go out, I don't bring cash (I'll bring my Visa for cab/ emergencies). If I ordered a glass of wine, then got told $5 please, I'd sure look like an idiot- and I shouldn't. Likewise when I go to a house/dinner party- there will either be drinks there or not, and if there are, I expect I can accept a drink without my friend telling me to chip in for the cost. 

Very interesting about the Closed vs. Open bar. I have never heard of that terminology. 

db1984

xx802xx said:

"This is also why it's rude to host a wedding and have a potluck (guests shouldn't have to pay/provide the meal they are going to eat) or why it's rude to have a Stock the Bar party beforehand as guests shouldn't have to pay for the alcohol they are going to drink, which is the rule the cash bar falls under."

I agree the stock the bar party is a little off putting and I probably would complain if I then also had to pay for a drink when I brought one of the bottles...But maybe I'm just happy being a part of the celebration then being concerned about paying for a drink...I'm going to smile, laugh, dance  and be happy for the couple paying or not for my drink. We all understand how expensive wedding are and not everyone can afford to pay for a large open bar on top of every other expense the new couple has taken on to make however large or small their wedding be.

This might be part of the problem right here.  A wedding only needs a license and an officiant.  Toss in a plain gold ring or two and the wedding can be had for <$200.  Poof!  Married.  The "wedding" consisting of family and friends being invited can be as expensive as you can afford, but it isn't necessary at all.  At the end of the day, you're just as married no matter which route you chose.

slothiegal

MagicInk said:

Have. The. Wedding. You. Can. Afford. How is this complicated?

I did it. I'm not a fucking math wizard or account and I managed to figure out what my wedding budget was and how many people I could properly host within that budget. Get your shit together, don't make people pay for shit at your reception. How is it that hard to figure out?

THANK YOU.  Why is that so fucking hard to comprehend?  

Guess what?  I did not get MY DREAM WEDDING.  I didn't get married at my first pick, fancy ass expensive venue that I fell in love with upon first sight.  I didn't get the bacon wrapped filet minion for my first meal as a married woman.  I didn't get the honeymoon suite at the hotel we stayed at that night.  And know why?  

Because money, unfortunately, IS an object for us.  And those were things that would have just benefited ME (and slotheiguy).  And if I wanted it to be just about us, we would have had a private ceremony (at that stunning venue ugh I love it), gone and had ourselves a fancy dinner party and then consummated our marriage in the fanciest hotel room in the city.  But we wanted our loved ones there and we wanted to treat them well.  So we acted like adults and made choices about what to cut in order to give our friends and family a helluva party.

And our wedding was amazingly kickass.

ETA clarity

ETA 2 Rereading my post this morning, I realize I used the word "fancy" way too much. Huh. Guess I was in a fancy mood last night.