baby shower

mj8215

just got a baby shower invitation for my good friends. perfectly nice people. i'm good friends with both of the parents-to-be and very excited for them. Here comes the problem - they are actually hosting their own shower! thanks to lurking on this site I know this is a major no-no. I don't know how to respond, I don't want to offend them...  but it really bothers me that they are doing this (in case you are wondering, registry information is included on the invitation so its not like its just a get together). And I can't tell them cause a.) they're my friends and b.) invitations are out so its not like they could change anything about it anyway... UGH!

ShesSoCold

I would RSVP no and call it a day. 

tammym1001

ShesSoCold said:

I would RSVP no and call it a day. 

You wouldn't attend a baby shower for your good friends because they were hosting it themselves? Do you decline every invitation you receive if there will be any etiquette mistakes?

OP- it sucks that they are hosting their own shower, but like you said there isn't anything you can do about it now. Just out of curiosity, how do you know they are hosting it themselves? 

ShesSoCold

tammym1001 said:

ShesSoCold said:

I would RSVP no and call it a day. 

You wouldn't attend a baby shower for your good friends because they were hosting it themselves? Do you decline every invitation you receive if there will be any etiquette mistakes?

OP- it sucks that they are hosting their own shower, but like you said there isn't anything you can do about it now. Just out of curiosity, how do you know they are hosting it themselves? 

I should have added, "If I were you, OP". If I were so bothered by it to post about it online and say "it really bothers me that they are doing this", then yes, I would decline. No, I do not avoid everything that isn't 100% etiquette-approved, but I do avoid things that irritate me. 

Maggie0829

ShesSoCold said:

tammym1001 said:

ShesSoCold said:

I would RSVP no and call it a day. 

You wouldn't attend a baby shower for your good friends because they were hosting it themselves? Do you decline every invitation you receive if there will be any etiquette mistakes?

OP- it sucks that they are hosting their own shower, but like you said there isn't anything you can do about it now. Just out of curiosity, how do you know they are hosting it themselves? 

I should have added, "If I were you, OP". If I were so bothered by it to post about it online and say "it really bothers me that they are doing this", then yes, I would decline. No, I do not avoid everything that isn't 100% etiquette-approved, but I do avoid things that irritate me. 

This.  If something irked me so much that I had to post on a message board to get opinions then it may just be best to decline the invite.

thisismynickname2

But, if they're actually good friends, would you be inclined to buy them a gift to celebrate the occasion anyway?  A baby shower is often the only way to celebrate a new baby. Regardless of who hosts, I'd be all, "yay! baby! and cake!"

If someone committed the same faux pas for their bridal shower, heck yeah I'd decline. I'd still be sending a wedding gift... for the actual wedding.  But a baby shower is the only celebration for new parents, so I'd go. 

ShesSoCold

thisismynickname said:

But, if they're actually good friends, would you be inclined to buy them a gift to celebrate the occasion anyway?  A baby shower is often the only way to celebrate a new baby. Regardless of who hosts, I'd be all, "yay! baby! and cake!"

If someone committed the same faux pas for their bridal shower, heck yeah I'd decline. I'd still be sending a wedding gift... for the actual wedding.  But a baby shower is the only celebration for new parents, so I'd go. 

Eh, I disagree. If they're that close of a friend, I'd be visiting before and after the baby is born. I've brought friends diapers and onesies and things when I visit after the baby is born. I might do something like that.

larrygaga

tammym1001 said:

ShesSoCold said:

I would RSVP no and call it a day. 

You wouldn't attend a baby shower for your good friends because they were hosting it themselves? Do you decline every invitation you receive if there will be any etiquette mistakes?

OP- it sucks that they are hosting their own shower, but like you said there isn't anything you can do about it now. Just out of curiosity, how do you know they are hosting it themselves? 

This is a pretty big etiquette breach. 

And I usually have no complaints about cash bars. 

southernbelle0915

Meh. This would bother me too. Especially because, since they're good friends, you'd probably buy them a gift anyway.... But now they're asking for it. I guess your RSVP will have to come from how much it truly bugs you.

mj8215

Maybe I should be less "uptight" about it, I don't know. I am looking forward to visiting them especially after the baby is born and can't wait to buy gifts for the baby... but it just bothers me that they are asking for gifts in such a direct manner. Its not like they had to ask, I would have done those things anyway....whatever, I guess I'll let it go. The reason I posted it here is because that seemed better than whining to friends and family about it...Anyways. Rant over. Moving on. Thanks.  

hellohkb

It's shitty and weird that they're hosting their own shower, but honestly.. If they're really close friends and you intended to buy them gifts anyway... I dunno. Do what you feel is best, OP! Keep us posted.

jenajjthr

Do you know the reasons why they are hosting their own shower? I was a military wife and if I hadn't flown home when I did I wouldn't have had a shower because I didn't know anybody at the new duty station. I wouldn't have thrown one myself either for the same reason though. 

Maybe your friend doesn't have anyone offering to throw her one, maybe she's a control freak, maybe she doesn't know any better? It is gift grabby, but this is one I, personally, could overlook. If you were planning on buying the baby a gift anyway, then go have some "fun" and cake. Or you can decline and go after the baby is born, whichever you feel better doing. 

huskypuppy14

Yes, it's annoying and rude that they are hosting their own baby shower. But, would you have gone if someone else hosted it? If so, I would go. 

KatieinBkln

This is one of those things I would roll my eyes over, but I'd still go. Because I enjoy cake (there will be cake, right?) and I try my best to overlook a really good friend's foibles. But I'd side-eye the shit out of it privately/with like-minded, trustworthy others.

mj8215

Thanks for the opinions! Problem has solved itself since I had to take a shift to help out a friend at work and now will not be able to make it even if I want to... yes I didn't have to take that shift but her needing the day off was for a more important reason than me going to a party, so... 

In any case, I think my feeling is still that its pretty weird but I love them enough to overlook it and I look forward to hanging out with them soon (and will by a gift from the registry for that occasion, since I guess thats better than a gift I randomly pick that they may not need... although I am glad I can at least roll my eyes about it to you guys and get it out of my system). 

This experience made me wonder - do you guys often encounter a situation where your friend does something that absolutely goes against etiquette and you feel embarrassed for them and really have to fight the urge to say something? I'm only contemplating this because another friend of mine just sent me a link to their wedding website, which is very elegant, except the part where under "registry", they are blatantly asking for monetary contributions in lieu of gifts..........

levioosa

mj8215 said:

Thanks for the opinions! Problem has solved itself since I had to take a shift to help out a friend at work and now will not be able to make it even if I want to... yes I didn't have to take that shift but her needing the day off was for a more important reason than me going to a party, so... 

In any case, I think my feeling is still that its pretty weird but I love them enough to overlook it and I look forward to hanging out with them soon (and will by a gift from the registry for that occasion, since I guess thats better than a gift I randomly pick that they may not need... although I am glad I can at least roll my eyes about it to you guys and get it out of my system). 

This experience made me wonder - do you guys often encounter a situation where your friend does something that absolutely goes against etiquette and you feel embarrassed for them and really have to fight the urge to say something? I'm only contemplating this because another friend of mine just sent me a link to their wedding website, which is very elegant, except the part where under "registry", they are blatantly asking for monetary contributions in lieu of gifts..........

There's a thread about this right now on the Etiquette board. 

MandyMost

I want to know how you know they are hosting it themselves, for sure? Maybe it's at their house but officially "hosted" by someone else? Maybe it's hosted by someone like an older relative that doesn't use email or have call waiting, so they just put the RSVP as them to make it easier and pass on the info?

spglsp

mj8215 said:

Thanks for the opinions! Problem has solved itself since I had to take a shift to help out a friend at work and now will not be able to make it even if I want to... yes I didn't have to take that shift but her needing the day off was for a more important reason than me going to a party, so... 

In any case, I think my feeling is still that its pretty weird but I love them enough to overlook it and I look forward to hanging out with them soon (and will by a gift from the registry for that occasion, since I guess thats better than a gift I randomly pick that they may not need... although I am glad I can at least roll my eyes about it to you guys and get it out of my system). 

This experience made me wonder - do you guys often encounter a situation where your friend does something that absolutely goes against etiquette and you feel embarrassed for them and really have to fight the urge to say something? I'm only contemplating this because another friend of mine just sent me a link to their wedding website, which is very elegant, except the part where under "registry", they are blatantly asking for monetary contributions in lieu of gifts..........

My friend almost got married in the states with plans to throw herself a destination PPD. I tried to explain why her guests would prefer to see her get married for real without using the words "rude" "etiquette" or "fake wedding". She disagreed with me at the time and I let it go after that one discussion. Ultimately they decided to have the actual wedding abroad and I was very happy for them.

ChemFanatic25

jenajjthr said:

Do you know the reasons why they are hosting their own shower? I was a military wife and if I hadn't flown home when I did I wouldn't have had a shower because I didn't know anybody at the new duty station. I wouldn't have thrown one myself either for the same reason though. 

Maybe your friend doesn't have anyone offering to throw her one, maybe she's a control freak, maybe she doesn't know any better? It is gift grabby, but this is one I, personally, could overlook. If you were planning on buying the baby a gift anyway, then go have some "fun" and cake. Or you can decline and go after the baby is born, whichever you feel better doing. 

I have a friend who said she will make an amazing bride because she will just hand her bridesmaids a list of everything she wants done for the bachellorette and bridal shower (itineraries included). I told her she can't throw her own bachellorette party and shower. She shrugged it off. She isn't dating anyone or engaged so no one has to worry about it for a long time.