Probably selfish of me, but I'm still annoyed

OrangePolkaDots

Everyone else I've talked to about this I get the sense that they think I'm selfish for this. They haven't said it outright, but the way they respond. I'm hoping maybe someone here will understand why I feel this way. 

I got engaged on December 13th, and my really good friend got engaged on NYE. We're both teachers, and every teacher I know has gotten married in the summer for obvious reasons. I've never wanted to get married in the summer - I've always wanted a fall wedding. I also don't want get married on a Saturday and go right back to work Monday. I don't need a lavish honeymoon, but I'd like at least a long weekend (would prefer a whole week, but..) because I feel like I've waited too long (together almost 12 years) for a wedding to just be a "matter of fact" type of thing. Anyways... the issue: 

I've been trying to figure out how to do a fall wedding with school, but am starting to warm up to the possibility of a summer wedding. I get a text from my friend last night that they made some decisions. They're getting married February 18, 2016, in the morning, in Miami (we live in Seattle). February 18th is a Thursday, and I guess she has that whole week off. I will just have a long weekend - I'll have February 15/16 off. So obviously, I now have to use my one and only personal day for February 18th. Well, what about Wednesday? My mom suggested taking a red eye after work. Umm, what? Take a red eye, I will get ZERO sleep because I am absolutely terrified of flying (Seattle to Miami is a long flight too, ugh), and then will be a total zombie for the wedding. My other option would be to talk with my principal/HR and see if I can get Wednesday off as unpaid leave (I'm not worried about Friday, because I work part time and don't work Fridays). 

Now this all wouldn't be horrible, except that if I take these days off (whether 1 or 2), I am certain I wouldn't be able to get any time off in the fall if we decided to get married then. My district already frowns upon taking personal time off right before/or after breaks. So now, it's been completely decided that I won't be getting married in the fall - what I've dreamed of most of my life - because my friend who got engaged 2 weeks after me is having a weekday morning destination wedding. UGH!

Thank you for listening. I think I just needed to vent to someone else in the process of wedding planning. I'm grateful for what I do have, and I know that the day will be perfect whenever it is, because the married IS the most important part, but it's just the fact I've always wanted a fall wedding and someone else pretty much decided I won't be. We were starting to learn towards summer, but weren't 100%. It would be different if we picked a summer date and THEN they decided on this. I just would've liked to make the final decision ourselves, and not just because someone else did.  Am I a completely selfish b*&!# or can anyone else see why I'd be a bit upset? 

IrishPirate60

So why not get married over Columbus Day weekend? At the very least, you'd have a couple of days after the wedding before going back to work.

OrangePolkaDots

You know, I had been thinking of that before and was hoping we had that Monday off, but we don't. I could always get married on a Friday, and have the weekend. In that case we had always intended on me using my personal day for the Monday to extend the weekend, but I don't have it anymore.

lyndausvi

I would not say you are a selfish bitch but I think you are way overreacting here.  

You are not obligated to go to a Thursday morning wedding that is on the other side of the country.   Simply decline going to that wedding if you don't have the time to take off.   Most brides who have DW understand not everyone can attend. It's the downfall of having a DW.

Most school I know have a fall break of some sort, can't you do it then?

Question, will you definitely still have the same schedule next school year?

FYI - many people have to choose different times of year simply because venues are all booked up.  Take your friend's wedding out of the equation you might have had to pick a different time anyway.

LadyMillil

There is always the option of not attending. A destination weekday wedding isn't something I'd use my limited vacation time on.

OrangePolkaDots

My district has their 2015-16 schedule out already, so yes, I do know the exact dates we have off. The only fall break we have is Thanksgiving, which would be a nightmare for anyone to come. As far as not going, they are very good friends of ours so I do really feel obligated. 

I suppose I ought to just not have a honeymoon, as it seems to be complicating things. 

lyndausvi

well you said you work part time.  Does that mean you will still have Friday's off next year?  Could your class schedule be different?

jellybeann

OrangePolkaDots said:

My district has their 2015-16 schedule out already, so yes, I do know the exact dates we have off. The only fall break we have is Thanksgiving, which would be a nightmare for anyone to come. As far as not going, they are very good friends of ours so I do really feel obligated. 

I suppose I ought to just not have a honeymoon, as it seems to be complicating things. 

I know you kind of feel 'obligated' to go to their wedding, but some of my best friends couldn't attend my wedding because it fell over crazy MD residency interview season. Of course I was disappointed, but I understood. If they're having a weekday wedding across the country I think they will understand if you can't make it work. If they are mad about it then they should have planned for a more convenient time for OOT people.

Jen4948

If this time of the year doesn't work for you to go out of town to a wedding, it's okay to decline the invitation, even from a close friend or relative. If this a really good friend, she'll understand that it's just not compatible with your work schedule. If she doesn't, then maybe she doesn't deserve your friendship.

jacques27

Like lindausvi, I wouldn't say you're a selfish B, but you are greatly over-reacting and starting the tread over into that territory depending on how you choose to proceed.  And you need to get a reality check about " I just would've liked to make the final decision ourselves, and not just because someone else did."

You don't live in a bubble or a vacuum.  Did you really think that outside life was not going to have any impact and would just stop so you could make wedding decisions?  And to pin the blame on your friend for choosing something inconvenient for you...you don't know what is going to happen in your life.  You could get laid off from you job (like many of the teachers here are, particularly the part-time expendable ones).  You could have a death or illness in the family.  Venues could be booked the date you want.  There's any number of things that could have affected what date you chose and this particular life happening doesn't mean you can't have the date you want, but you may have to give up certain things for it.  Life happens - you adjust and move on, not get pissy and petulant.  It honestly sounds like what you're most upset about is someone who got engaged after you didn't bother to put their life on hold to give you first dibs on all the things you wanted - they kept living their lives and made their decisions and it's unrealistic of you to expect anything else.  Waiting 12 years or getting engaged two weeks before doesn't give you any special rights or dibs.

That said, if what they picked isn't convenient for you to attend because of your own plans, then so be it.  Again, your sense of "obligation" is your issue to work through.  It's a wedding invitation, not a subpoena.  Life is full of hard decisions and disappointments.  You'll all manage to live to tell the tale in the end.

vulpiepop

I agree with PPs. You're not obligated to go to any wedding and it being a long way away from you, which would require extra money for travel, it should be understandable if you just send your regrets. If you really want to go and have the means to do so though, then go for it.

As for your wedding date for fall, I think there are a few options. I don't know how your school schedule is but from what I remember of my school days, there were a few long weekends and of course fall break. If all else fails, maybe you can have your wedding right before the fall semester starts? I know it's still technically summer but it's pretty close to fall and people would be getting ready for the fall (assuming the semester starts late August or early September) so it wouldn't be that weird to have a fall themed wedding.

Your honeymoon doesn't have to be taken right after the wedding. You can certainly take a honeymoon the next break you get or something if you really want one. Many couples take their honeymoons later for the convenience of their schedules. So it may be a little late; so what? All that matters is you and your husband have a good time on vacation with each other.

holyguacamole79

I would decline the Miami wedding. That's a long flight and it's on a weekday. My husband and I didn't have vacation time for our honeymoon, so we took a 2 day mini moon and went back to work on Wednesday. We took our "real" honeymoon on our one year anniversary.

jenajjthr

Ditto PP's: Send your regrets to your friend. You won't be able to attend her Thursday DW. Plan your Fall wedding on a date that works best for you, your FI, and your VIPs. Plan your honeymoon for when your work schedule permits ~ it may or may not be right after the wedding.

FYI ~ I am a teacher. Got married in October and took 6 days off from work. 3 were paid, 3 were not. My principal was very understanding since it was a wedding, but did make sure that I knew that I would lose pay if I went forward with my plan. Recently a coworker got married in October as well. He only took the Friday off before, was back on Monday. His honeymoon was over Thanksgiving break since he already had the time off. Lots of ways to work having a fall wedding and to have a honeymoon. BTW, H and I know any anniversary vacay's happen in the summer now or on scheduled school breaks. That is the choice we also made in picking our wedding date. 

alexandducky412

You're not selfish at all, and I can understand feeling obligated to go, but you're not actually obligated to go. I think your friend will understand if you say, "Look, I'm very sorry, but I can't attend your wedding. It's just not something that's in the cards for me right now, considering that I need those days to make sure I can get off to have the wedding of my dreams in the fall. You have my love and support, but I'm gonna love and support you from home."

If she becomes upset because you used YOUR vacation days for YOUR wedding, then you're not the selfish one here.

decembergrl2014

I'm a teacher and H is a principal. We got married last month and knew we couldn't take our HM right away. That was our choice when picking a December date. We're taking our HM in August.

I understand you wanting to have your dream wedding. I think if you get a little creative( ex: have your wedding on a Friday or Sunday) and not worry so much about your friend and what she's doing, you'll be able to figure it out where everyone is happy.

chibiyui

I just wanted to say, no fucking way in hell would I attend a destination weekday wedding. Fuck that noise.

climbingsingle

Don't go to the wedding in Miami. Problem solved.

ohannabelle

Under absolutely no circumstances would I attend.

It's not rude to decline an invitation. 

That's the risk people take when they ask friends to travel hundreds or thousands of miles, and spend huge amounts of money, and take time off work, to attend a four hour wedding. It just simply isn't always possible. 

If they cared about attendance, they wouldn't plan a Thursday wedding.

Politely decline, send a nice card, breathe.

Not everyone can conveniently pull an extra round trip vacation out of their hat. No reasonable person would expect you to. 

NYCMercedes

OrangePolkaDots said:

Everyone else I've talked to about this I get the sense that they think I'm selfish for this. They haven't said it outright, but the way they respond. I'm hoping maybe someone here will understand why I feel this way. 

I got engaged on December 13th, and my really good friend got engaged on NYE. We're both teachers, and every teacher I know has gotten married in the summer for obvious reasons. I've never wanted to get married in the summer - I've always wanted a fall wedding. I also don't want get married on a Saturday and go right back to work Monday. I don't need a lavish honeymoon, but I'd like at least a long weekend (would prefer a whole week, but..) because I feel like I've waited too long (together almost 12 years) for a wedding to just be a "matter of fact" type of thing. Anyways... the issue: 

I've been trying to figure out how to do a fall wedding with school, but am starting to warm up to the possibility of a summer wedding. I get a text from my friend last night that they made some decisions. They're getting married February 18, 2016, in the morning, in Miami (we live in Seattle). February 18th is a Thursday, and I guess she has that whole week off. I will just have a long weekend - I'll have February 15/16 off. So obviously, I now have to use my one and only personal day for February 18th. Well, what about Wednesday? My mom suggested taking a red eye after work. Umm, what? Take a red eye, I will get ZERO sleep because I am absolutely terrified of flying (Seattle to Miami is a long flight too, ugh), and then will be a total zombie for the wedding. My other option would be to talk with my principal/HR and see if I can get Wednesday off as unpaid leave (I'm not worried about Friday, because I work part time and don't work Fridays). 

Now this all wouldn't be horrible, except that if I take these days off (whether 1 or 2), I am certain I wouldn't be able to get any time off in the fall if we decided to get married then. My district already frowns upon taking personal time off right before/or after breaks. So now, it's been completely decided that I won't be getting married in the fall - what I've dreamed of most of my life - because my friend who got engaged 2 weeks after me is having a weekday morning destination wedding. UGH!

Thank you for listening. I think I just needed to vent to someone else in the process of wedding planning. I'm grateful for what I do have, and I know that the day will be perfect whenever it is, because the married IS the most important part, but it's just the fact I've always wanted a fall wedding and someone else pretty much decided I won't be. We were starting to learn towards summer, but weren't 100%. It would be different if we picked a summer date and THEN they decided on this. I just would've liked to make the final decision ourselves, and not just because someone else did.  Am I a completely selfish b*&!# or can anyone else see why I'd be a bit upset? 

To answer your last question, you're not a selfish bitch. You are however, deluded if you think someone took your decision away from you. Your attendance at her wedding is just not that important to her. If it were, she wouldn't have had a destination wedding on a weekday. Don't even think about attending. Plan your wedding date around your schedule. Enjoy.

larrygaga

It sounds like you should skip this wedding and plan the one you want. Someone planning a far away weekday wedding can't possibly expect you there! Save your time off for you, and send the couple a nice card or something. 

She didn't take away your decision any more than you having yours in September takes away her decision. People are giving you looks because the solution is really obvious. 

huskypuppy14

What if you planned your wedding for the summer instead, so you could go to her wedding in February, and you picked a date that doesn't work for her. Would you be pissed that you changed your plans, and she doesn't go to yours, even though you compromised your plans to go to hers?

kaitlynmichelle

Don't attend her wedding and plan the one you want. I have two close friends getting married this year and can only go to one. So I'll be sending my regrets to the other friend and hopefully she will understand. I can't afford two cross country flights in five months so I made that choice.

If it had interfered with my own wedding, well, mine would have come first. If she is a good friend I'm sure she will understand that you can't get that much time off. She made the choice to have a DW mid week, which means more declines are likely.

rcher912

chibiyui said:

I just wanted to say, no fucking way in hell would I attend a destination weekday wedding. Fuck that noise.

hahahahaha, I love this. I also agree with this.

Not even just a weekday, but a weekday morning? How on earth is anyone with limited time off supposed to attend?! Fuck that noise, indeed.

badbnagdway

People who plan weekday weddings have to be prepared for a high volume of declines. A weekday morning destination wedding is just beyond inconvenient. The only way I'd go to that is if it were the wedding of an immediate family member.

For your wedding, have you considered Labor Day weekend? It's towards the beginning of September so it's barely fall but I do know someone who always wanted a fall wedding who is doing that weekend. 

classicalandedgy

rcher920 said:

chibiyui said:

I just wanted to say, no fucking way in hell would I attend a destination weekday wedding. Fuck that noise.

hahahahaha, I love this. I also agree with this.

Not even just a weekday, but a weekday morning? How on earth is anyone with limited time off supposed to attend?! Fuck that noise, indeed.

Ditto, I would not attend... Good/great friend included.  This is a huge imposition on anyone who works I'd think. 

KatieinBkln

You aren't selfish for being put out. You would be selfish if you decided to whine to your friend about how her choices are making your life difficult.

(Trust me, I know how it can be. A friend of mine is having a marriage celebration/PPD [not sure which] the weekend after my wedding. We share a lot of friends, all of whom will have to travel to get to our weddings, so it's now going to be shitty for both of us when our friends have to pick which wedding to go to. But I know I get one day and one day only--there's no "dibs" on the rest of the surrounding days. It sucks but it's reality.)

banana468

At this point in my life/job there's no way I'd plan to travel across the country just to attend a weekday wedding.   As it was,  DH and I declined attending weekend weddings that would have required flights at least halfway across the country.     While we loved those getting married, we needed to keep finances in mind.

If I had to choose between my own wedding and my friend's wedding, my wedding wins.  Yes it's selfish but that's one of those times that I wouldn't feel all that bad about it. 

kristenone

Personally, I think having a weekday morning DW is basically like saying you don't want many people to show up. My advice is to plan the wedding you want and after that decide if your friend's wedding fits in with your plans and finances.

Bubblegum5586

I agree with everyone that says skip the DW. The only way I would consider attending something like that was if it was a very close friend/family member, I had lots of extra time off, the extra money to afford the trip and was a destination I wanted to visit/use a chunk of vacation time for. 

I think the labor day wedding is a great idea. I wanted labor day but it was booked so I had to push it to Sept 21 (last day of summer).

It sucks when everything doesn't work out how you hoped, but your friend chose an inconvenient time and it would be incredibly unfair for her to be upset that you can't come!

Also - someone made a good point about anniversaries.... could make it hard to go away in the future if you do it in the fall.

Knottie1425451036

FI and I both really loved the idea of a fall wedding. October is our favorite time of year. In fact, having a fall wedding is pretty much the only wedding thing I have ever " dreamed" of. But I also decided to go back to school and I want to go on a honeymoon with my husband. So a summer wedding it is. Am I crushed? Nope. I've made choices in my life that I have decided are more important then the dream of a fall wedding. If it's important to go to your friends destination wedding, then that is a choice you are making. Getting married in a non fall month will not make you less married, I promise.

Edited to add: or screw her destination wedding and plan your fall wedding. My point is, as adults we have choices. But good luck and happy wedding to you!

Knottie1463426215

I agree with PPs—I wouldn't make the trip to Miami for your friend's wedding. DWs = higher percentages of declines for obvious reasons. On top of that, your friend is holding hers on a weekday morning. And I thought weekdays were inconvenient.

At the end of the day, you can't feel bad about declining. Since she's a teacher too, she should understand that it isn't easy for you to take time off. You're getting married around the same time, so you need to reserve that time off for your wedding. It may feel selfish, but personally, I'd never postpone my wedding because I needed to reserve my time off for someone else's.

As far as getting married in the fall, I say go for it. If you can't get the full week after off for your honeymoon, have you thought about maybe enjoying a long weekend and then honeymooning a few months later? My FI and I are getting married 10/3/15, but we aren't going to honeymoon until the following spring. I'm excited that we'll have something to look forward to after the wedding is over.