MOH advice please!

Knottie06917504

I was BEYOND excited to find out that I was one of two MOHs for my best friend's wedding this summer! I am in need of some advice, though. Just a little background, the other MOH and I were very good friends in highschool, but had a falling out in our early 20's, about 10 years ago. We have not spoken since, but I have no ill feelings towards her and I have been excited to get back in touch and co-plan the bridal and bachelorette party with her. I have expressed my excitement about co-planning to the bride as well, so she was aware. I was a little hurt, however, when I found out along with all the other bridesmaids that the other MOH and the bride had already planned the bridal shower and bachelorette party, which the other MOH is hosting, and had already set the dates as well. The weekends picked also happen to be weekends that I am scheduled to work. I do shift work and it is extremely difficult, and a lot of times impossible, to get your scheduled weekends off, even in advance. The bride knows this as well, as we are in the same line of work. I am feeling a little hurt that I was not included at all in the planning. With that being said, I also understand that this is not my wedding, and the bride has a right to do whatever she likes. My questions is, do I tell the bride that I feel excluded and hurt and would like to co-host with the other MOH, or do I keep it to myself and just offer to help in whatever way the bride wants? I'm not even sure I will be able to attend either event, which makes me feel horrible seeing that I am the other MOH and as the bride and I have been dear friends for over 20 years. Any advice is much appreciated! Thank you!  

jenna8984

Knottie06917504 said:

I was BEYOND excited to find out that I was one of two MOHs for my best friend's wedding this summer! I am in need of some advice, though. Just a little background, the other MOH and I were very good friends in highschool, but had a falling out in our early 20's, about 10 years ago. We have not spoken since, but I have no ill feelings towards her and I have been excited to get back in touch and co-plan the bridal and bachelorette party with her. I have expressed my excitement about co-planning to the bride as well, so she was aware. I was a little hurt, however, when I found out along with all the other bridesmaids that the other MOH and the bride had already planned the bridal shower and bachelorette party, which the other MOH is hosting, and had already set the dates as well. The weekends picked also happen to be weekends that I am scheduled to work. I do shift work and it is extremely difficult, and a lot of times impossible, to get your scheduled weekends off, even in advance. The bride knows this as well, as we are in the same line of work. I am feeling a little hurt that I was not included at all in the planning. With that being said, I also understand that this is not my wedding, and the bride has a right to do whatever she likes. My questions is, do I tell the bride that I feel excluded and hurt and would like to co-host with the other MOH, or do I keep it to myself and just offer to help in whatever way the bride wants? I'm not even sure I will be able to attend either event, which makes me feel horrible seeing that I am the other MOH and as the bride and I have been dear friends for over 20 years. Any advice is much appreciated! Thank you!  

I personally would bring it up nicely. I'd say "I really want to co-host and attend these parties, but it's not possible to get these days from work. Is there any way we can chose a different weekend?" And then if they change it, awesome, and if they don't I'd let it go. 

But I'd probably plan my own bachelorette with the bride another night and invite the others as a casual thing. Like "Hey I can't make it on the 15th, so I'm going to take her out on the 23rd, anyone is welcome to join!" Don't make it seem like your competing with the other MOH, just that you'd love a night out together also. 

mikenberger

Knottie06917504 said:

I was BEYOND excited to find out that I was one of two MOHs for my best friend's wedding this summer! I am in need of some advice, though. Just a little background, the other MOH and I were very good friends in highschool, but had a falling out in our early 20's, about 10 years ago. We have not spoken since, but I have no ill feelings towards her and I have been excited to get back in touch and co-plan the bridal and bachelorette party with her. I have expressed my excitement about co-planning to the bride as well, so she was aware. I was a little hurt, however, when I found out along with all the other bridesmaids that the other MOH and the bride had already planned the bridal shower and bachelorette party, which the other MOH is hosting, and had already set the dates as well. The weekends picked also happen to be weekends that I am scheduled to work. I do shift work and it is extremely difficult, and a lot of times impossible, to get your scheduled weekends off, even in advance. The bride knows this as well, as we are in the same line of work. I am feeling a little hurt that I was not included at all in the planning. With that being said, I also understand that this is not my wedding, and the bride has a right to do whatever she likes. My questions is, do I tell the bride that I feel excluded and hurt and would like to co-host with the other MOH, or do I keep it to myself and just offer to help in whatever way the bride wants? I'm not even sure I will be able to attend either event, which makes me feel horrible seeing that I am the other MOH and as the bride and I have been dear friends for over 20 years. Any advice is much appreciated! Thank you!  

Well, that's annoying. The bride already fails because she's not supposed to help with planning or hosting her own shower. But that's since long since gone... Here we move on.

If you told the other MOH you wanted to cohost and she excluded you, I would have difficulty thinking it was not on purpose and that sucks. And she sucks.

I wouldn't ask to cohost with the MOH. Its clear that she doesn't want to host with you or she would've asked you, if you clearly already offered to host. I might convey my feelings to the Bride; that you feel left out and your feelings are hurt. I would then send a nice text or email to the other MOH and tell her "Hey! I've heard you have the shower and bachelorette taken care of. Let me know if I can help!" Kill her with kindness. She obviously needs to learn it.

Jen4948

Can you plan an event that you host for the bride? It could just be a casual get-together.

Knottie06917504

Great advice! Thank you! The wedding is over 7 months away, so I had not touched base with the other MOH yet. I was planning on contacting her, and the other bridesmaids in the next couple of months to start the planning, as that seems to be the normal timeline of these events. So even though I had not specifically told the other MOH that I wanted to co-host, I had specifically told the bride that I wanted to co-host, as well as include the other bridesmaids in planning and hosting as well. I do, however, feel like it's one of those common sense things where the other MOH probably knows better.

mlg78

I wouldn't wait to contact.  When did she ask everyone to be in the wedding party?  It seems like some time has already passed.

Knottie06917504

You're right, looking back I should have made contact sooner. Hindsight is 20/20, right? Lol I didn't want to come off as overbearing, controlling, or competitive with the other MOH seeing how far out it still is, like I was trying to take over all the planning and what not. I have talked with some of the other bridesmaids and told them we should try to have all the girls involved and included in the planning, too. The ones I talked to were on board and excited about it. I think what hurts most is being excluded in general, and that the bride, knowing my difficult work schedule, didn't even ask before setting the dates to see if I could go. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect all the events to be scheduled around what works best for me, but if the bride thinks enough of me to ask me to be a MOH, I'd think she'd want to include me and want me at the events. Am I blowing this out of proportion?  

short+sassy

Knottie06917504 said:

You're right, looking back I should have made contact sooner. Hindsight is 20/20, right? Lol I didn't want to come off as overbearing, controlling, or competitive with the other MOH seeing how far out it still is, like I was trying to take over all the planning and what not. I have talked with some of the other bridesmaids and told them we should try to have all the girls involved and included in the planning, too. The ones I talked to were on board and excited about it. I think what hurts most is being excluded in general, and that the bride, knowing my difficult work schedule, didn't even ask before setting the dates to see if I could go. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect all the events to be scheduled around what works best for me, but if the bride thinks enough of me to ask me to be a MOH, I'd think she'd want to include me and want me at the events. Am I blowing this out of proportion? 

No, I don't think so.  I'd be really hurt also.  I didn't have a shower or bach but, if I'd had one, I would certainly have wanted to make sure it was on a day when all/most of my VIPs could come.  I do find it odd the bride and other MOH planned both events without asking about the schedules of the others in the WP.

thespeshulestsnowflake

Not that I think you are in the wrong in any way. I get being hurt over this. Can I just ask about the timing on this? When is the wedding? Were you asked recently to be MOH? If not, did you let her know early on that you wanted to help throw these events?

Maybe it is the way I am reading it, but it seems that they planned all this before the bride chose BMs and MOHs. Or that she picked everyone else, then added you later. Am I misinterpretting here?

PrettyGirlLost

Just make sure that you aren't going to be "invoiced" for any of the pre-wedding activities.  The other MOH should have contacted you and the other BM's to get your input and budgets before planning anything.