How to politely "oust" a bridesmaid?

rdixon571

I just deleted a whole huge section of text because I realized it didn't really matter, I was just whining and complaining.  (Feel a tad bit lucky that I spared you from that torture! lol)  But here's still a bit of background info...

My best-friend/bridesmaid isn't really my friend anymore.  We've been drifting apart for a years.  We've gone down two totally different life paths and its hard for either of us to relate anymore.  

On top of that she lied about having already ordered her dress 3 times, she's too busy to see me bc of the babies, and she doesn't really care about my wedding probably bc she's too tired from having the babies.

Basically, I don't care about what goes on in her life anymore and I don't want her in my wedding anymore.  Very blunt, I know.  But there's more to the story than you know that's made me come to this conclusion.

Here's the crux...

From the advice from my family and other friends, I gave her a free "out" or a "get out of jail free card" as I like to call it.  I named all her reasons she could get out: having no time because of the babies (a one and a half year old girl and a 2 month old boy), only having 1 car to split between her and her boyfriend, having no money from having two babies, having no money bc they're trying to save for a house, not being able to spend enough time home together with her kids and bf as it is, having no energy from trying to keep up with 2 kids AND work....

Well she said she was sorry for being a shitty friend (very true) and that if I wanted her out of the wedding, she understood.  She didn't take my bait and just agree with me...  she seems to want to make me be the one to say it:  That I don't want her in the wedding.

So how do I say it???  

I was thinking something along the lines of... 

"I've been thinking more about it and I don't want anyone to be stressed out at the wedding.  I think it might be best for both of us if you be a part of my big day by being a VIP guest instead of being a tired/over-worked/stressed bridesmaid."  If we ever hung out anymore, I would suggest we do do something and hang out sometime together as a make-up but she always gives excuses that I can't come over because it's the babies' nap time or something stupid.  And she can't come to me because she has no car and no money to pay a babysitter.  So I can't really suggest a get-together to make up after it.  

What do you think?

mikenberger

rdixon571 said:

I just deleted a whole huge section of text because I realized it didn't really matter, I was just whining and complaining.  (Feel a tad bit lucky that I spared you from that torture! lol)  But here's still a bit of background info...

My best-friend/bridesmaid isn't really my friend anymore.  We've been drifting apart for a years.  We've gone down two totally different life paths and its hard for either of us to relate anymore.  

On top of that she lied about having already ordered her dress 3 times, she's too busy to see me bc of the babies, and she doesn't really care about my wedding probably bc she's too tired from having the babies.

Basically, I don't care about what goes on in her life anymore and I don't want her in my wedding anymore.  Very blunt, I know.  But there's more to the story than you know that's made me come to this conclusion.

Here's the crux...

From the advice from my family and other friends, I gave her a free "out" or a "get out of jail free card" as I like to call it.  I named all her reasons she could get out: having no time because of the babies (a one and a half year old girl and a 2 month old boy), only having 1 car to split between her and her boyfriend, having no money from having two babies, having no money bc they're trying to save for a house, not being able to spend enough time home together with her kids and bf as it is, having no energy from trying to keep up with 2 kids AND work....

Well she said she was sorry for being a shitty friend (very true) and that if I wanted her out of the wedding, she understood.  She didn't take my bait and just agree with me...  she seems to want to make me be the one to say it:  That I don't want her in the wedding.

So how do I say it???  

I was thinking something along the lines of... 

"I've been thinking more about it and I don't want anyone to be stressed out at the wedding.  I think it might be best for both of us if you be a part of my big day by being a VIP guest instead of being a tired/over-worked/stressed bridesmaid."  If we ever hung out anymore, I would suggest we do do something and hang out sometime together as a make-up but she always gives excuses that I can't come over because it's the babies' nap time or something stupid.  And she can't come to me because she has no car and no money to pay a babysitter.  So I can't really suggest a get-together to make up after it.  

What do you think?

If it helps you sleep at night, you can tell her whatever you want. But it's a total cop-out when you're doing it for your own benefit, not hers. And you sound like a concerned friend, when you're really not. 

If you honestly don't care about ever seeing her again, which that sounds like the case, just be honest with her. 

I have to ask though, why did you ever make her a bridesmaid if you've been heading down separate paths already? Did you not listen to the Knotties when we tell you to wait wait wait about asking your bridal party?

KatWAG

rdixon571 said:

I just deleted a whole huge section of text because I realized it didn't really matter, I was just whining and complaining.  (Feel a tad bit lucky that I spared you from that torture! lol)  But here's still a bit of background info...

My best-friend/bridesmaid isn't really my friend anymore.  We've been drifting apart for a years.  We've gone down two totally different life paths and its hard for either of us to relate anymore.  

On top of that she lied about having already ordered her dress 3 times, she's too busy to see me bc of the babies, and she doesn't really care about my wedding probably bc she's too tired from having the babies.

Basically, I don't care about what goes on in her life anymore and I don't want her in my wedding anymore.  Very blunt, I know.  But there's more to the story than you know that's made me come to this conclusion.

Here's the crux...

From the advice from my family and other friends, I gave her a free "out" or a "get out of jail free card" as I like to call it.  I named all her reasons she could get out: having no time because of the babies (a one and a half year old girl and a 2 month old boy), only having 1 car to split between her and her boyfriend, having no money from having two babies, having no money bc they're trying to save for a house, not being able to spend enough time home together with her kids and bf as it is, having no energy from trying to keep up with 2 kids AND work....

Well she said she was sorry for being a shitty friend (very true) and that if I wanted her out of the wedding, she understood.  She didn't take my bait and just agree with me...  she seems to want to make me be the one to say it:  That I don't want her in the wedding.

So how do I say it???  

I was thinking something along the lines of... 

"I've been thinking more about it and I don't want anyone to be stressed out at the wedding.  I think it might be best for both of us if you be a part of my big day by being a VIP guest instead of being a tired/over-worked/stressed bridesmaid."  If we ever hung out anymore, I would suggest we do do something and hang out sometime together as a make-up but she always gives excuses that I can't come over because it's the babies' nap time or something stupid.  And she can't come to me because she has no car and no money to pay a babysitter.  So I can't really suggest a get-together to make up after it.  

What do you think?

I think it's really shitty to kick someone out of your wedding party. Especially since she hasnt done anything wrong. All of you excuses are crap.

But if you are okay with completely ending this friendship, then stop pussy-footing around and just point blank tell her. Say "Susie I dont want you to be part of my wedding anymore." Done.

And at least have the gall to call her and not do it over text message.

[Deleted User]

I always hate reading threads about this because my first thoughts are always "It's a friend issue, which is more important than the wedding issue."

Since it appears you don't care to no longer have whatever relationship the two of you had together, you can tell her whatever. I definitely wouldn't expect to see or hear from her again, or even be a guest at your wedding should you go through with that.

ETA:  I have to know though, are you kicking her out of your wedding because she isn't paying enough attention to your "big day"?

beethery

There is no polite way to 'oust' someone.

Say, "You do not have enough attention for me, and I can not get down with that'

Own it or don't do it.

peachy13

There's no way to "politely" do this. By asking your "best-friend/bridesmaid" to not be in your wedding, you are ending your friendship with her. If this is what you want, then go ahead and do it, but you should not expect to hug it out after and have a little "get-together to make up after it." 

On another note, it sounds like your friend has a lot of stress in her life. Young children, no car, tight budget... she's likely lying about the dress because she probably can't afford it (did you ask for her budget?)... these things happen to people when real life sets in and maybe I'm jumping to conclusions about your relationship with her, but I think it's shitty that the only thing you're worried about in this situation is your bridal party.

[Deleted User]

peachy13 said:

There's no way to "politely" do this. By asking your "best-friend/bridesmaid" to not be in your wedding, you are ending your friendship with her. If this is what you want, then go ahead and do it, but you should not expect to hug it out after and have a little "get-together to make up after it." 

On another note, it sounds like your friend has a lot of stress in her life. Young children, no car, tight budget... she's likely lying about the dress because she probably can't afford it (did you ask for her budget?)... these things happen to people when real life sets in and maybe I'm jumping to conclusions about your relationship with her, but I think it's shitty that the only thing you're worried about in this situation is your bridal party.

Thank you.  I was literally writing a second edit to my post about this.

LondonLisa

Just so I am reading this right, you are so upset because your friend doesn't have enough time and money to give you attention 2 months after having a baby and raising another toddler that you want to end your friendship by kicking her out of your wedding? What I am most surprised by is that they let tweens like you get married in your area. I'm not sure where you are from, but in my area 13 year olds cannot get married. I mean, you must be a young adolescent because no self-respecting adult woman would demand attention from her friend right after she gave birth and end a friendship over it. 

Being a bridesmaid IS a VIP guest. All they have to do is show up on the day in the dress. Yes, maybe she didn't order it. Did you ever think maybe she was trying to lose baby weight, has post-natal depression or just has a goddamn infant in her house so she isn't sleeping more than 2 hours a night??!

But you know what: you should kick her out and end your friendship. Then she will be able to cut toxic and selfish friends like you out of her life more easily. 

I sincerely hope when you have an infant people don't treat you as cruelly as you are treating your friend right now. I wouldn't wish that even on a terrible person, which you are acting like. 

KatWAG

LondonLisa said:

Just so I am reading this right, you are so upset because your friend doesn't have enough time and money to give you attention 2 months after having a baby and raising another toddler that you want to end your friendship by kicking her out of your wedding? What I am most surprised by is that they let tweens like you get married in your area. I'm not sure where you are from, but in my area 13 year olds cannot get married. I mean, you must be a young adolescent because no self-respecting adult woman would demand attention from her friend right after she gave birth and end a friendship over it. 

Being a bridesmaid IS a VIP guest. All they have to do is show up on the day in the dress. Yes, maybe she didn't order it. Did you ever think maybe she was trying to lose baby weight, has post-natal depression or just has a goddamn infant in her house so she isn't sleeping more than 2 hours a night??!

But you know what: you should kick her out and end your friendship. Then she will be able to cut toxic and selfish friends like you out of her life more easily. 

I sincerely hope when you have an infant people don't treat you as cruelly as you are treating your friend right now. I wouldn't wish that even on a terrible person, which you are acting like. 

WHY am I only allowed to love this post once?????

redoryx

I think you probably should just kick her out and save her the trouble of having someone in her life who only pretends to be concerned and her friend when in reality you don't seem to understand why babies and money issues take priority over your wedding. 

[Deleted User]

rdixon571 said

On top of that she lied about having already ordered her dress 3 times, she's too busy to see me bc of the babies, and she doesn't really care about my wedding probably bc she's too tired from having the babies.

Lurking brides-to-be, always remember: No one will care more about your wedding but you.

KatWAG

Anyone else curious about what "whining and complaining" the OP chose to delete?

mikenberger

KatWAG said:

Anyone else curious about what "whining and complaining" the OP chose to delete?

Not really. I got my fill of it in the other paragraphs she chose to leave. I'm sure it would TOTALLY justify her kicking her bridesmaid out though.

rdixon571

I'm sorry, I'm a rambler so I do tend to type more than I should.  

You can't pretend to understand the kind of friend she is or the kind of friend I am.  You'd like to judge me based on what I said because what I said was blunt and was not very nice.  True, I admit.  

After 12 years of us being best friends, I'm tired of being the one to pay for everything (lunch, gas, dinner, drinks, movies...), to be the one to go to her when we want to hang out, to be the first to ask if she wants to hang out, to be the first one to text the other to see if they're still alive after 2 months.  We live in different cities so it's not easy for either of us to get together but it's not fair for me to be the only one to be willing to do it.  So we've been drifting apart because of that, not just because she has kids now.

And if she's not too proud to ask me to pay for lunch and dinner and gas every time we get together but to still buy a $300 purse that same day... Then she shouldn't be too proud to let me pay for her dress when I offered.  And I didn't pick her dress.  She could pick anything that's in the color scheme, even if it's from TJ Maxx, like my MOH did.  So that squashes the money thing.  

But lying about having already ordered her dress 3 times was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.

If she's waiting to loose weight, she really can't afford to wait because if she's going to order a dress, it's last minute now to order one now.  I had suggested she get sized before she started to show and then order a size or two up.  My mom is a seamstress and could take it in or let it out if necessary.  She looses weight postpartum super fast and had 6 months to fit into whatever size she wanted to order.  But in reality she could have ordered at her maternity size and my mom could have still taken it in.  That squashes the bit about waiting to loose weight first.

I did say I didn't care but what I really meant was that I'm tired of being the only one putting effort into our friendship.  The wedding and 2nd baby just threw it into sharper perspective.  

I've been a shitty friend to her lately but she's been a shitty friend for quite a while longer.  

I was honestly trying to give her an out.  I was reading this article (http://dearwendy.com/fired-from-being-a-bridesmaid/) right before I posted on this forum and I was less demanding as far as wedding stuff goes than the bride in this article.  I only wanted her to order her dress by this month, January, and I gave everyone about 11 months to do that, and that was it.  I made it clear from the beginning.

Lying about ordering the dress was just the straw that broke the camel's back basically and that's why I gave her an out.  

mikenberger

rdixon571 said:

I'm sorry, I'm a rambler so I do tend to type more than I should.  

You can't pretend to understand the kind of friend she is or the kind of friend I am.  You'd like to judge me based on what I said because what I said was blunt and was not very nice.  True, I admit.  

After 12 years of us being best friends, I'm tired of being the one to pay for everything (lunch, gas, dinner, drinks, movies...), to be the one to go to her when we want to hang out, to be the first to ask if she wants to hang out, to be the first one to text the other to see if they're still alive after 2 months.  We live in different cities so it's not easy for either of us to get together but it's not fair for me to be the only one to be willing to do it.  So we've been drifting apart because of that, not just because she has kids now.

And if she's not too proud to ask me to pay for lunch and dinner and gas every time we get together but to still buy a $300 purse that same day... Then she shouldn't be too proud to let me pay for her dress when I offered.  And I didn't pick her dress.  She could pick anything that's in the color scheme, even if it's from TJ Maxx, like my MOH did.  So that squashes the money thing.  

But lying about having already ordered her dress 3 times was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.

If she's waiting to loose weight, she really can't afford to wait because if she's going to order a dress, it's last minute now to order one now.  I had suggested she get sized before she started to show and then order a size or two up.  My mom is a seamstress and could take it in or let it out if necessary.  She looses weight postpartum super fast and had 6 months to fit into whatever size she wanted to order.  But in reality she could have ordered at her maternity size and my mom could have still taken it in.  That squashes the bit about waiting to loose weight first.

I did say I didn't care but what I really meant was that I'm tired of being the only one putting effort into our friendship.  The wedding and 2nd baby just threw it into sharper perspective.  

I've been a shitty friend to her lately but she's been a shitty friend for quite a while longer.  

I was honestly trying to give her an out.  I was reading this article (http://dearwendy.com/fired-from-being-a-bridesmaid/) right before I posted on this forum and I was less demanding as far as wedding stuff goes than the bride in this article.  I only wanted her to order her dress by this month, January, and I gave everyone about 11 months to do that, and that was it.  I made it clear from the beginning.

Lying about ordering the dress was just the straw that broke the camel's back basically and that's why I gave her an out.  

Why. Did. You. Ask. Her. To. Be. Your. Bridesmaid??? 

climbingsingle

redoryx said:

I think you probably should just kick her out and save her the trouble of having someone in her life who only pretends to be concerned and her friend when in reality you don't seem to understand why babies and money issues take priority over your wedding. 

YES. I was just going to say the same thing. Kick her out. Be honest. Tell her that she can't be a bridesmaid because she can't devote her life to your wedding. She doesn't need a "friend" like you in her life. 

rdixon571

mikenberger said:

Why. Did. You. Ask. Her. To. Be. Your. Bridesmaid??? 

I didn't really have anyone else to ask.  My fiance wanted 5 guys and wouldn't let me pick only 2 girls (my cousin/MOH and my sister).  So I settled for adding two of our mutual friends that are twins.  He's close to them both and I'm friends with them too but not usually close enough to ask them to be bridesmaids.  Then I had one more and I opted for my friend I'd had for 12 years that was sort of fading, rather than my newer friend that I'd only known for a year.  

Turns out, my newer friend would have been a better pick.  We're very close now.  

levioosa

Man, you are a shitty friend. 

beethery

All this for even sides. Super.

KatWAG

rdixon571 said:

mikenberger said:

Why. Did. You. Ask. Her. To. Be. Your. Bridesmaid??? 

I didn't really have anyone else to ask.  My fiance wanted 5 guys and wouldn't let me pick only 2 girls (my cousin/MOH and my sister).  So I settled for adding two of our mutual friends that are twins.  He's close to them both and I'm friends with them too but not usually close enough to ask them to be bridesmaids.  Then I had one more and I opted for my friend I'd had for 12 years that was sort of fading, rather than my newer friend that I'd only known for a year.  

Turns out, my newer friend would have been a better pick.  We're very close now.  

 

------

 

This does not surprise me at all, given what a horrible friend you are.

dcbride86

rdixon571 said:

mikenberger said:

Why. Did. You. Ask. Her. To. Be. Your. Bridesmaid??? 

I didn't really have anyone else to ask.  My fiance wanted 5 guys and wouldn't let me pick only 2 girls (my cousin/MOH and my sister).  So I settled for adding two of our mutual friends that are twins.  He's close to them both and I'm friends with them too but not usually close enough to ask them to be bridesmaids.  Then I had one more and I opted for my friend I'd had for 12 years that was sort of fading, rather than my newer friend that I'd only known for a year.  

Turns out, my newer friend would have been a better pick.  We're very close now.  

Shocker.  Someone who doesn't care at all about her "friend's" real life struggles (having 2 small children, financial problems) because they get in the way of buying a bridesmaid dress doesn't have a lot of close friends?  Color me stunned.

mikenberger

rdixon571 said:

mikenberger said:

Why. Did. You. Ask. Her. To. Be. Your. Bridesmaid??? 

I didn't really have anyone else to ask.  My fiance wanted 5 guys and wouldn't let me pick only 2 girls (my cousin/MOH and my sister).  So I settled for adding two of our mutual friends that are twins.  He's close to them both and I'm friends with them too but not usually close enough to ask them to be bridesmaids.  Then I had one more and I opted for my friend I'd had for 12 years that was sort of fading, rather than my newer friend that I'd only known for a year.  

Turns out, my newer friend would have been a better pick.  We're very close now.  

----STUCK IN A BOX----

Should've told your FI "Tough titties, dude." Unfortunately though, you chose her. Now you have to disinvite her. Sorry, that kind of makes you a pretty crappy friend. I know that you two are kind of crappy to each other, but man. Craaaaaa-ppy. Totally. You didn't have to ask her and you did for equal sides. 

rdixon571

I already admitted that.  I also told you she's been a freeloader for 12 years.

Maggie0829

rdixon571 said:

mikenberger said:

Why. Did. You. Ask. Her. To. Be. Your. Bridesmaid??? 

I didn't really have anyone else to ask.  My fiance wanted 5 guys and wouldn't let me pick only 2 girls (my cousin/MOH and my sister).  So I settled for adding two of our mutual friends that are twins.  He's close to them both and I'm friends with them too but not usually close enough to ask them to be bridesmaids.  Then I had one more and I opted for my friend I'd had for 12 years that was sort of fading, rather than my newer friend that I'd only known for a year.  

Turns out, my newer friend would have been a better pick.  We're very close now.  

So you picked people just to have even numbers?  All because your FI wasn't going to allow you to only pick two people?

You do realize that you are the reason for this situation right?  So you need to suck it up because you did this.  Your friend, or whatever she is, has done nothing wrong to warrant being kicked out of your party.  And since even sides is so important to your FI, if you do kick this person out will he want you to replace her?

dcbride86

rdixon571 said:

I'm sorry, I'm a rambler so I do tend to type more than I should.  

You can't pretend to understand the kind of friend she is or the kind of friend I am.  You'd like to judge me based on what I said because what I said was blunt and was not very nice.  True, I admit.  

After 12 years of us being best friends, I'm tired of being the one to pay for everything (lunch, gas, dinner, drinks, movies...), to be the one to go to her when we want to hang out, to be the first to ask if she wants to hang out, to be the first one to text the other to see if they're still alive after 2 months.  We live in different cities so it's not easy for either of us to get together but it's not fair for me to be the only one to be willing to do it.  So we've been drifting apart because of that, not just because she has kids now.

And if she's not too proud to ask me to pay for lunch and dinner and gas every time we get together but to still buy a $300 purse that same day... Then she shouldn't be too proud to let me pay for her dress when I offered.  And I didn't pick her dress.  She could pick anything that's in the color scheme, even if it's from TJ Maxx, like my MOH did.  So that squashes the money thing.  

But lying about having already ordered her dress 3 times was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.

If she's waiting to loose weight, she really can't afford to wait because if she's going to order a dress, it's last minute now to order one now.  I had suggested she get sized before she started to show and then order a size or two up.  My mom is a seamstress and could take it in or let it out if necessary.  She looses weight postpartum super fast and had 6 months to fit into whatever size she wanted to order.  But in reality she could have ordered at her maternity size and my mom could have still taken it in.  That squashes the bit about waiting to loose weight first.

I did say I didn't care but what I really meant was that I'm tired of being the only one putting effort into our friendship.  The wedding and 2nd baby just threw it into sharper perspective.  

I've been a shitty friend to her lately but she's been a shitty friend for quite a while longer.  

I was honestly trying to give her an out.  I was reading this article (http://dearwendy.com/fired-from-being-a-bridesmaid/) right before I posted on this forum and I was less demanding as far as wedding stuff goes than the bride in this article.  I only wanted her to order her dress by this month, January, and I gave everyone about 11 months to do that, and that was it.  I made it clear from the beginning.

Lying about ordering the dress was just the straw that broke the camel's back basically and that's why I gave her an out.  

Wow.  You're a truly horrible friend.  You admitted what you said was not nice - why are you surprised people would call you on that?

 

I'm somewhat skeptical about her buying $300 purses all the time.  I think you may have just thrown that in there to make yourself look better.

 

Um, yeah, she might not have been texting you a bunch over the past 2 months if she has a 2 month old baby.  Her baby is slightly more important to you than your wedding (crazy I know). 

 

How old are you?  I can't imagine an adult who doesn't understand that someone with 2 small children may not be able to put the same kind of effort into traveling to hang out as a single person can.  It's about priorities.  And yours are all sorts of out of whack.   

mikenberger

rdixon571 said:

I already admitted that.  I also told you she's been a freeloader for 12 years.

Yeah, but you CHOSE her to be in your bridal party. Definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You didn't watch Titanic twice in a row hoping the ship didn't go down, did you?

Didn't think so. You did this. Now you get to "fix it". Well, about as well as if you only had bandaids for an amputated arm. 

dcbride86

mikenberger said:

rdixon571 said:

I already admitted that.  I also told you she's been a freeloader for 12 years.

Yeah, but you CHOSE her to be in your bridal party. Definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You didn't watch Titanic twice in a row hoping the ship didn't go down, did you?

Didn't think so. You did this. Now you get to "fix it". Well, about as well as if you only had bandaids for an amputated arm. 

Wait - the ship goes down even then 10th time you watch it?!  BUT THEY SAID IT WAS UNSINKABLE!  How did they not fix that glitch by my 10th viewing?!

LondonLisa

Ok OP, here you go, you want blind validation, here it is: it is totally fine to kick her out. Even though her behaviour didn't bother you the past 11.9 years to mention it to her, the fact you chose her as a prop not as a friend, and she just had a baby, she should have 100% dedicated her life to you. Afterall, it is YOUR day! You are totally not a bad person for wanting everything all the time about you despite your friend needing help...

beethery

rdixon571 said:

I already admitted that.  I also told you she's been a freeloader for 12 years.

So don't try to take her to fucking lunch, genius. Don't go, "Hey, lets get lunch!" when you know she's not going to want to pay, and then bitch that she didn't pay. Use your head.

LondonLisa

Meanwhile, in the real world, you made your bed so...

fwtx5815

Lurkers: evenness of sides is a non-issue.

The BEST case scenario when you ask someone to be in your WP just to have even sides, is that your quasi-friendship isn't ruined and you just have a lot of pictures with this not-so-close friend. But at least you have symmetry!!