Engagement ring drama...

apromise22

When I got engaged 4 months ago, my grandmother told me that I could have one of the three diamond heirloom rings that she had. I chose what happened to be the biggest one. It was my impression that this was a gift.

Now it turns out that my mom's sister wants the value of this ring deducted from my mom's inheritance, and I guess my grandmother is going along with it. I haven't gotten it appraised yet (I happened to already schedule one for today for insurance purposes) but I did some research and similar diamonds can be worth $20,000+.

This is so upsetting to me. If I hadn't gotten this ring, my fiance wouldn't have bought me one nearly as expensive, and I certainly don't plan on selling it (the whole reason I chose it was sentimental value), so it would end up being a significant financial loss to the family--not exactly the gift I thought it was. I would never have accepted it if I knew this was going to happen. 

If it ends up being very expensive I'm thinking about just "borrowing" it until my wedding day, then giving it back and wearing my wedding band only. My mom doesn't seem too upset by it, but I am. 

This could all be a moot point if the diamond ends up being worth a lot less--but still. Ugh.

mikenberger

apromise22 said:

When I got engaged 4 months ago, my grandmother told me that I could have one of the three diamond heirloom rings that she had. I chose what happened to be the biggest one. It was my impression that this was a gift.

Now it turns out that my mom's sister wants the value of this ring deducted from my mom's inheritance, and I guess my grandmother is going along with it. I haven't gotten it appraised yet (I happened to already schedule one for today for insurance purposes) but I did some research and similar diamonds can be worth $20,000+.

This is so upsetting to me. If I hadn't gotten this ring, my fiance wouldn't have bought me one nearly as expensive, and I certainly don't plan on selling it (the whole reason I chose it was sentimental value), so it would end up being a significant financial loss to the family--not exactly the gift I thought it was. I would never have accepted it if I knew this was going to happen. 

If it ends up being very expensive I'm thinking about just "borrowing" it until my wedding day, then giving it back and wearing my wedding band only. My mom doesn't seem too upset by it, but I am. 

This could all be a moot point if the diamond ends up being worth a lot less--but still. Ugh.

Why does your aunt want it deducted from your mother's inheritance? Is this to keep things "even"? Are you written into the will? Perhaps Grandma should rewrite her will and then include you receiving the ring as a gift and call it good. It can be an early inheritance gift. 

Seems like Auntie is being a little petty.

apromise22

Yes, to keep it "even."

On a lighter note, unless I'm doing the math wrong, I think we have the same wedding date! 

Maggie0829

So wait, she didn't say anything about wanting a deduction from your Mom's inheritance until AFTER the ring landed on your finger?

Yeah, that was not cool of her.  I don't care if the diamond was worth $5 the point of the matter is this was offered up to you free of charge until, what your Aunt got a bit pissy and is now demanding money so that things are "even?"

Personally, I would give the ring back now.  This is drama that I would just not want to be involved in and I certainly don't want to be reminded of it each time I look at my ring.

lovegood90

Maggie0829 said:

So wait, she didn't say anything about wanting a deduction from your Mom's inheritance until AFTER the ring landed on your finger?

Yeah, that was not cool of her.  I don't care if the diamond was worth $5 the point of the matter is this was offered up to you free of charge until, what your Aunt got a bit pissy and is now demanding money so that things are "even?"

Personally, I would give the ring back now.  This is drama that I would just not want to be involved in and I certainly don't want to be reminded of it each time I look at my ring.

I agree with this. I'd just give the ring back.

blabla89

I guess I could understand if your aunt really wanted the ring for sentimental reasons, but wanting money "deducted" from your mom's inheritance (and, I assume, given to her instead) seems greedy. Especially when your grandmother is still alive and capable of making her own decisions. First of all, I would have a talk with your mom about it. She may have some insight into the family dynamics that are going on here. She may be more bothered by it than she's letting on.

Then maybe you could talk with your grandmother privately, or with only your mother there. Tell her it was very kind of her to offer the ring, and you thought that it was a gift, but Aunt Sally has made it clear that the ring was not actually a gift, so you wouldn't feel comfortable accepting it under those conditions. Depending on how that conversation plays out, you could consider returning it after the wedding.

JeeGooDowster

Your aunt is being a petty bitch.  Maybe talk to your Grandmother about it privately without any influence of Aunt Bitch...if it's too much drama to talk to your Grandmother, then just give the ring back.

short+sassy

Wow!!!  Talk about taking the wind out of your sails.  Here you thought your grandma was giving you this wonderful, sentimental gift only to have it turn ugly.  I'm sorry to hear this happened.

Something else to keep in mind if you do keep the ring is your family should NOT NOT NOT be going by the appraised value as to how much gets "subtracted" from your mom's inheritance.

Appraisal values are basically just for insurance purposes.  I hate to sound all businesslike and logical over such a delicate situation.  But if we are looking at "value", which is what your aunt is doing, the amount should be based on what the ring would fetch on the "open market".  Even though it isn't being sold.  For example, if you would go sell it at a pawn shop or sell it on Ebay or Craig's List...THEN about what would the ring be worth.

loveislouder

I work for a law firm that does a lot of estates, and I tell you this happens more often than you think. "Oh Mom left her a ring worth 500 bucks and me one worth 300? I want 100 to make up the difference!" It's absolutely ridiculous.

apromise22

Thanks for your responses. I've decided I'm going to return it now and my fiance will buy me a simpler ring (which was the original plan before I got this gift). I don't want my ring to be associated with this drama and bitterness. 

This whole thing is so stupid--no one in the family is going to want to pay all that money for it (I also doubt any of my cousins would take it after it was mine), so it inevitably will end up being being sold. And however much it's worth, it won't go far divided between 4 children, 12 grandchildren and 4 great-grandchildren. Hope Auntie is happy!

AddieCake

I would give it back. I would not want drama and nonsense attached to my fucking ring.

plainjane0415

loveislouder said:

I work for a law firm that does a lot of estates, and I tell you this happens more often than you think. "Oh Mom left her a ring worth 500 bucks and me one worth 300? I want 100 to make up the difference!" It's absolutely ridiculous.

This happened when my dad's mother passed away last September.  2 of his sisters have sued the estate because they feel that they didn't get all of their part, and they were like vultures when it came to cleaning out her house.  It was/still is a mess even with a very specific will.

mikenberger

plainjane0415 said:

loveislouder said:

I work for a law firm that does a lot of estates, and I tell you this happens more often than you think. "Oh Mom left her a ring worth 500 bucks and me one worth 300? I want 100 to make up the difference!" It's absolutely ridiculous.

This happened when my dad's mother passed away last September.  2 of his sisters have sued the estate because they feel that they didn't get all of their part, and they were like vultures when it came to cleaning out her house.  It was/still is a mess even with a very specific will.

Why does this seem to happen far more often than it should? So sad

short+sassy

plainjane0415 said:

loveislouder said:

I work for a law firm that does a lot of estates, and I tell you this happens more often than you think. "Oh Mom left her a ring worth 500 bucks and me one worth 300? I want 100 to make up the difference!" It's absolutely ridiculous.

This happened when my dad's mother passed away last September.  2 of his sisters have sued the estate because they feel that they didn't get all of their part, and they were like vultures when it came to cleaning out her house.  It was/still is a mess even with a very specific will.

I've heard of these kinds of horror stories and it is so sad to see people tearing each other apart when they should most be coming together as a family.

I mean, hey, I like money and pretty things as much as the next person.  But money and stuff does not replace a loved one who has died...or is worth destroying relationships with other family members over.

climbingsingle

I think you're right to give the ring back. To me, it wouldn't be worth the drama. 

plainjane0415

mikenberger said:

plainjane0415 said:

loveislouder said:

I work for a law firm that does a lot of estates, and I tell you this happens more often than you think. "Oh Mom left her a ring worth 500 bucks and me one worth 300? I want 100 to make up the difference!" It's absolutely ridiculous.

This happened when my dad's mother passed away last September.  2 of his sisters have sued the estate because they feel that they didn't get all of their part, and they were like vultures when it came to cleaning out her house.  It was/still is a mess even with a very specific will.

Why does this seem to happen far more often than it should? So sad

It's been very hard on my dad because he is the executor of the estate.  He has said that he feels like he hasn't even been able to mourn the death of his mother because he's been having to deal with all of this drama.  Just another side story about this situation, and then I'll shut up because I didn't mean to threadjack, but one of his sister's didn't show up for the funeral because she got in an argument with another sister about what kind of cake to serve at the finger food reception we had after the funeral.  DIDN'T SHOW UP TO HER MOTHER'S FUNERAL.

mikenberger

plainjane0415 said:

mikenberger said:

plainjane0415 said:

loveislouder said:

I work for a law firm that does a lot of estates, and I tell you this happens more often than you think. "Oh Mom left her a ring worth 500 bucks and me one worth 300? I want 100 to make up the difference!" It's absolutely ridiculous.

This happened when my dad's mother passed away last September.  2 of his sisters have sued the estate because they feel that they didn't get all of their part, and they were like vultures when it came to cleaning out her house.  It was/still is a mess even with a very specific will.

Why does this seem to happen far more often than it should? So sad

It's been very hard on my dad because he is the executor of the estate.  He has said that he feels like he hasn't even been able to mourn the death of his mother because he's been having to deal with all of this drama.  Just another side story about this situation, and then I'll shut up because I didn't mean to threadjack, but one of his sister's didn't show up for the funeral because she got in an argument with another sister about what kind of cake to serve at the finger food reception we had after the funeral.  DIDN'T SHOW UP TO HER MOTHER'S FUNERAL.

I have no other words. 

Vivandiere8

WOW!

This story makes me so sad. And I agree you did the right thing. I also would have given it back. What I don't understand is why a gift to "you" would then be taken from your "Mom's" inheritance. I don't know if you happen to live with your mother now, but I'm sure by the time your grandmother is dead you won't be, so how is that ring benefiting your mother in the first place? Just ridiculous.

Also if anything changes, your grandmother changes her mind about it or whatever, please be sure to update us!

lyndausvi

Vivandiere8 said:

WOW!

This story makes me so sad. And I agree you did the right thing. I also would have given it back. What I don't understand is why a gift to "you" would then be taken from your "Mom's" inheritance. I don't know if you happen to live with your mother now, but I'm sure by the time your grandmother is dead you won't be, so how is that ring benefiting your mother in the first place? Just ridiculous.

Also if anything changes, your grandmother changes her mind about it or whatever, please be sure to update us!

some people are weird.  They think everything should be divided at the kid level and then kids pass it down to grandkids.

I do not subscribe to that train of thought, but sadly I've met people who think that the "way" it should be done. DH's aunt thought that way.  She believed grandma should have divided one of her insurance polices by 2 (her and MIL) and then they would distribute the money to their kids. Well Aunt has 3 kids and MIL has 4. So by her logic her kids would get more individually since there was less to divide by.   Grandma was smart and named all the grandkids as equal beneficiaries.  Her daughters were not listed on that insurance policy.  So every grandchild got the same amount of money.  But yeah it was such a stupid argument.   

Jessie42613

blabla89 said:

I guess I could understand if your aunt really wanted the ring for sentimental reasons, but wanting money "deducted" from your mom's inheritance (and, I assume, given to her instead) seems greedy. Especially when your grandmother is still alive and capable of making her own decisions. First of all, I would have a talk with your mom about it. She may have some insight into the family dynamics that are going on here. She may be more bothered by it than she's letting on.

Then maybe you could talk with your grandmother privately, or with only your mother there. Tell her it was very kind of her to offer the ring, and you thought that it was a gift, but Aunt Sally has made it clear that the ring was not actually a gift, so you wouldn't feel comfortable accepting it under those conditions. Depending on how that conversation plays out, you could consider returning it after the wedding.

I agree with this.

And +1 for thinking your aunt is behaving like a meddlesome bitch.

mrsdee15

Yuck, I'm sorry.  Giving it back was probably for the best.  I have an awful, petty aunt also.  She sued our whole family because she didn't think she got enough of my late grandfather's estate.  She's a terrible person and actively tried to rip the family apart.  Hopefully that's the end of that bad blood and drama for you!  

And about the cake disagreement... what the actual fuck.

jennyleigh16

That's just ridiculous. I have a similar story. FMIL told FI years ago to use the diamonds out of her wedding set to be remade into an engagement ring. When he started planning to propose he took her rings with permission and had the diamonds reset into my e-ring and band. It was clear the whole way through the process that they were a gift. A couple weeks after he proposed and the ring was on my finger suddenly she started demanding he pay her back for the diamonds. We kept the rings but it left a bad taste in my mouth and had we known before we would have bought something different. Of course FMIL is BSC so...

apromise22

Update: the ring got appraised for MUCH higher than I ever thought it would be--it is definitely a "gift" I cannot afford lol. I'm trying to be positive and trying to look forward to picking out my own ring. I get upset though that basically no one stood by me (especially my grandmother) and the fact that this is my ring and that the time to negotiate about it has passed (people knew about it for decades). 

Oh well. Another positive--now I know that this woman is certainly not to be trusted. I will now act accordingly. I will also make sure her table is the last to be called to the buffet. :-}

Thanks for all your support ladies, and I'm sorry some of you have experienced similar drama. 

MollyandD

apromise22 said:

Update: the ring got appraised for MUCH higher than I ever thought it would be--it is definitely a "gift" I cannot afford lol. I'm trying to be positive and trying to look forward to picking out my own ring. I get upset though that basically no one stood by me (especially my grandmother) and the fact that this is my ring and that the time to negotiate about it has passed (people knew about it for decades). 

Oh well. Another positive--now I know that this woman is certainly not to be trusted. I will now act accordingly. I will also make sure her table is the last to be called to the buffet. :-}

Thanks for all your support ladies, and I'm sorry some of you have experienced similar drama. 

Enjoy going with your fiancé to get a ring that will actually be yours. The new ring will someday have strong sentimental value to you, and the former gift won't matter so much anymore. But, if you're anything like me, you'll never forget the petty drama caused by your grandma and aunt. 

banana468

I think grandma and your aunt will love sitting by the subwoofer at the reception.

southernbelle0915

Why do people feel like they're entitled to their parents' money/possessions? 

When my parents die, I'm not expecting a cent. I know they plan to give my sister and I money and split up their properties, but if they change their minds and donate everything to charity, fine. Whatever. It's THEIR money. You don't see siblings arguing about spending time, visiting, or helping out/cleaning around grandma's house.... but add a few bucks into the mix and the claws come out. It's sickening... really.

DH's grandma is in her 90's and has 3 kids. Two of those kids moved away, never visited for holidays, barely every go to see her (mayyyyybe once a year for the last 40+ years). The other one is local but a total bitch, hates grandma (tells her that) and never visits. She wants to sell her house and spend all her money living out her days in a swanky assisted living place. The kids are FREAKING out because she "can't afford it" - i.e. if she does this, they won't see a dime. It is beyond fucked up and makes me totally disgusted in all of them.

novella1186

apromise22 said:

Update: the ring got appraised for MUCH higher than I ever thought it would be--it is definitely a "gift" I cannot afford lol. I'm trying to be positive and trying to look forward to picking out my own ring. I get upset though that basically no one stood by me (especially my grandmother) and the fact that this is my ring and that the time to negotiate about it has passed (people knew about it for decades). 

Oh well. Another positive--now I know that this woman is certainly not to be trusted. I will now act accordingly. I will also make sure her table is the last to be called to the buffet. :-}

Thanks for all your support ladies, and I'm sorry some of you have experienced similar drama. 

I'm sorry your nasty greedy aunt ruined that for you. But I think you'll have a great time getting to pick out a ring with your FI! 

We had similar drama in our family. My dad's oldest sister is the greediest, most cold-hearted vulture I've ever come across. When their mother died, she secretly flew in from the other side of the country, packed up all my grandma's jewelry (that was meant to be divided evenly) and took it all back to her where she lives. She then flew back AGAIN the next day and pretended she hadn't been there before and had no idea where the jewelry went, but her boyfriend busted her out, and then she actually tried to blame the theft on the maid. None of us have ever seen a single scrap of that jewelry since, so my sister and I, and my other aunt's daughter all got nothing to remember our grandma. Not even some little sentimental thing. Nothing. 

Then my grandpa died, and evil aunt did the same thing. Flew in without telling anyone, went straight to his house, and started packing up EVERYTHING that had value and shipping it to her house on the other side of the country. I was helping my mom clean up the house and if she or I found anything that looked like it might have value, evil aunt would shriek "THAT'S MINE!" and literally rip it out of our hands. 

My dad was the executor of both wills, so 2 of his sisters have threatened multiple times to sue him and one of them was trying to use me to give her information on things in my parents' house so she could try to get THEIR stuff appraised to see if their stuff was worth more than hers, and if she should get more out of the will based on that. It was sick.   

LondonLisa

I'm so sorry that happened, OP. What did your Grandmother say when you gave it back? I think it would be fair to let you know that you were hurt as you were lead to believe this was a gift to you, and that it is a shame that since it is so high in value and the precedent has been set that it needs to be "bought" instead of handed down,  it will most likely be sold and the money split between family members. Maybe that will get her thinking about her estate and how things will be divided when she passes. It is so sad to see families torn apart over something so common as money.

plainjane0415

It is disgusting.  My grandmother (the one I've been talking about here) had 9 children.  Her husband walked out on her when my dad was 17 and never came back.  She had 7 children at home at the time, and had to work 3 jobs to make ends meet.  You would think that her kids would have enough respect for her legacy and wishes than to argue about cake, and who got more money than the other.(Even though they all got the exact same amount)  But they don't, and what makes it even worse was that she had her wishes planned out to a "T" to be fair to each and every one of her kids, and they are still being questioned over a year later.  It makes me really angry.  I know I said I wasn't going to post again, on this but...................ugh!

maeday2

I so feel for you. My ring was my grandmother's and I know how special it is to me. No monetary value can be placed on it. I can't imagine having a petty monetary argument rip that away from you. 

My mom has 2 living sisters and due to the fact that we lived the furthest away and weren't able to partake in sorting through all of my grandmother's things, they thought she should have their mother's ring. My mom then gifted it to my FI when it was time to propose. They were all so diplomatic about dividing everything up. 

The meaning and significance behind the ring is what's important. I hope you and your FI can pick something out that gives you happy thoughts when you look at your hand! 

mikenberger

southernbelle0915 said:

Why do people feel like they're entitled to their parents' money/possessions? 

When my parents die, I'm not expecting a cent. I know they plan to give my sister and I money and split up their properties, but if they change their minds and donate everything to charity, fine. Whatever. It's THEIR money. You don't see siblings arguing about spending time, visiting, or helping out/cleaning around grandma's house.... but add a few bucks into the mix and the claws come out. It's sickening... really.

DH's grandma is in her 90's and has 3 kids. Two of those kids moved away, never visited for holidays, barely every go to see her (mayyyyybe once a year for the last 40+ years). The other one is local but a total bitch, hates grandma (tells her that) and never visits. She wants to sell her house and spend all her money living out her days in a swanky assisted living place. The kids are FREAKING out because she "can't afford it" - i.e. if she does this, they won't see a dime. It is beyond fucked up and makes me totally disgusted in all of them.

Same thing is happening with FI's grandparents. They own over a thousand acres of farmland. And where farmland goes for $16,000+ an ACRE, that's a shitton of cash. So it's all been split evenly amongst their children and everybody is very happy with that whole situation.

But then there's the actual land that the house is on. And the house. Grandpa got sick and had a leg amputated (I swear, he's been "on his death bed" every single week.) and had to move into a nursing home with Grandma (Grandma is spry and totally cool with taking care of him. It was more for rehabbing purposes.) When they moved into that nursing home, VULTURES. The whole lot of them. They all descended on the house and started taking stuff out of there like they'd been dead 10 years. Hello people!? They're still alive! And then one of the brothers (FI uncle) moved their son into the house to "take care of it." Yeah, he's a mentally unstable drug addict. We (FI and I) walked into the house one day and there were bongs, weed etc everywhere. The carpet was disgusting and stained. The kitchen hadn't been touched for weeks, if not months of cleaning. It was awful. This amazing and awesome farm house was totally destroyed. And mind you, the grandparents are STILL alive. They ended up moving back into the farmhouse and have since gotten all the property returned. But not without some threatening.