Bossy Bride?

doglover2014

Hi there all! I am currently a bridesmaid in one of my best friends weddings happening in August. I am feeling very overwhelmed and stressed out and I'll tell you why.

The B&G are doing a Buck and Doe - for those of you who don't know, it's a big party to fundraise for your wedding. I have no problem helping out in this. EXCEPT they are expecting the wedding party pays for everything; alcohol, hall rental, food, games, prizes etc. I had no idea I had to financially contribute in this manner. I told the bride my concerns and she just keeps saying everything will be fine, there are lots of girls and groomsmen to help out, but I'm not kidding - I am paying to go back to school next year and can't afford to pay for this thing. Dress, shoes, bachelorette party - all things I knew I was paying for. No problem. But I'm sorry..they want to spend $2000 on alcohol, I don't have that kind of money. 

I have tried to voice my concerns but now she seems to be ignoring me. I feel so anxious and awful, because she is one of my best friends. My boyfriend is also close with the groom. 

What do I do? I've already told her how I felt..

novella1186

She can't force you to pay for her tacky rude fundraiser. Cuz sorry but throwing a party to make guests pay for your wedding is just tacky and rude. And making your wedding party pay for that party is even worse. 

Just tell her, "Sorry, I don't have the money for this." Refuse to chip in. It's not your job to pay for her bullshit. This makes me ragey for you. I'm sorry she's putting this stress on you. 

mikenberger

doglover2014 said:

Hi there all! I am currently a bridesmaid in one of my best friends weddings happening in August. I am feeling very overwhelmed and stressed out and I'll tell you why.

The B&G are doing a Buck and Doe - for those of you who don't know, it's a big party to fundraise for your wedding. I have no problem helping out in this. EXCEPT they are expecting the wedding party pays for everything; alcohol, hall rental, food, games, prizes etc. I had no idea I had to financially contribute in this manner. I told the bride my concerns and she just keeps saying everything will be fine, there are lots of girls and groomsmen to help out, but I'm not kidding - I am paying to go back to school next year and can't afford to pay for this thing. Dress, shoes, bachelorette party - all things I knew I was paying for. No problem. But I'm sorry..they want to spend $2000 on alcohol, I don't have that kind of money. 

I have tried to voice my concerns but now she seems to be ignoring me. I feel so anxious and awful, because she is one of my best friends. My boyfriend is also close with the groom. 

What do I do? I've already told her how I felt..

I just. I can't. 

I will say though, your bride and groom suck for having this party. It is SO beyond etiquette and tacky. I would recommend getting out of this bridal party, NOW.

flantastic

doglover2014 said:

Hi there all! I am currently a bridesmaid in one of my best friends weddings happening in August. I am feeling very overwhelmed and stressed out and I'll tell you why.

The B&G are doing a Buck and Doe - for those of you who don't know, it's a big party to fundraise for your wedding. I have no problem helping out in this. EXCEPT they are expecting the wedding party pays for everything; alcohol, hall rental, food, games, prizes etc. I had no idea I had to financially contribute in this manner. I told the bride my concerns and she just keeps saying everything will be fine, there are lots of girls and groomsmen to help out, but I'm not kidding - I am paying to go back to school next year and can't afford to pay for this thing. Dress, shoes, bachelorette party - all things I knew I was paying for. No problem. But I'm sorry..they want to spend $2000 on alcohol, I don't have that kind of money. 

I have tried to voice my concerns but now she seems to be ignoring me. I feel so anxious and awful, because she is one of my best friends. My boyfriend is also close with the groom. 

What do I do? I've already told her how I felt..

"Sorry, but I will not be contributing to this party." And then don't. Change the subject or ignore if it comes up again.

It is not your responsibility to fund their wedding, or the party they're having so others will fund their wedding. Not in the slightest. The only people responsible for paying to host something are those who choose to host it. The B&G chose to host a wedding - it's their responsibility to pay. Buck & Doe parties are the worst form of entitlement. Since this party was not your idea and not offered by you, just don't pay for anything.

If she or her FI would use this to put pressure on yours or your BF's friendship, she's not a friend worth having.

atlastmrsg

Don't contribute to the tacky disasterpiece.

Maggie0829

You need to use the word "no."  You tell your friend that "I am sorry but, no I cannot contribute."  Done.  End of story.

southernbelle0915

That sucks. wedding fundraisers take the cake for literally the tackiest, worst etiquette thing ever. Ugh - just so shameless. Why can't people... nevermind, I can't with that today.

You've already voiced your concerns. Now execute. Communicate that you cannot afford to help host this party for them and you will therefore not be contributing financially. Then follow through. Wash and repeat as necessary. You are totally, 100% in the right on this, so don't bend to pressure.

If she's as shameless and tacky as I imagine, she might tell you that you aren't fulfilling "your BM duties" (bullshit, btw). Personally, I'd use that as an excuse to be like "oh, I'm so sorry, do you want me to step out of the wedding party?" Hopefully she says yes so that you can be spared any other ridiculousness over the next 8 months...

mikenberger

southernbelle0915 said:

That sucks. wedding fundraisers take the cake for literally the tackiest, worst etiquette thing ever. Ugh - just so shameless. Why can't people... nevermind, I can't with that today.

You've already voiced your concerns. Now execute. Communicate that you cannot afford to help host this party for them and you will therefore not be contributing financially. Then follow through. Wash and repeat as necessary. You are totally, 100% in the right on this, so don't bend to pressure.

If she's as shameless and tacky as I imagine, she might tell you that you aren't fulfilling "your BM duties" (bullshit, btw). Personally, I'd use that as an excuse to be like "oh, I'm so sorry, do you want me to step out of the wedding party?" Hopefully she says yes so that you can be spared any other ridiculousness over the next 8 months...

Seriously. Because trust us. This will NOT get better. This will get worse. Far worse.

peachy13

There's no way you can be part of that gross display of charity wedding fundraiser. I know I'm a chicken when it comes to telling people "no" but I would really suggest you let the bride know that school is a huge cost and that you really can't afford to participate.

I would also tell her that "someone told me you can learn really great wedding planning tips from the message boards on the Knot.. I've never been there myself but you should totally check it out!"

KatWAG

I would also tell the wedding party that you cant/ wont contribute so that they arent planning on your share. Its not fair that they be blindsided by having to pay a bigger portion. And maybe more people will speak up about not wanting to pay after you do.

lovegood90

Ew. Wedding fundraisers are so crass, gross and rude. I personally would not want to be associated with this at all and would decline to go.

But if you really want to go but can't financially contribute, it seems you've already voiced your concerns and she's still expecting this of you. Honestly I would not want to be friends with someone who treats me this way. This is YOUR money so I'd stand your ground. If she gets pissed, I'd really take a look and reevaluate this friendship. Sorry you're going through this, she sounds like a peach.

Cookie Pusher

mikenberger said:

southernbelle0915 said:

That sucks. wedding fundraisers take the cake for literally the tackiest, worst etiquette thing ever. Ugh - just so shameless. Why can't people... nevermind, I can't with that today.

You've already voiced your concerns. Now execute. Communicate that you cannot afford to help host this party for them and you will therefore not be contributing financially. Then follow through. Wash and repeat as necessary. You are totally, 100% in the right on this, so don't bend to pressure.

If she's as shameless and tacky as I imagine, she might tell you that you aren't fulfilling "your BM duties" (bullshit, btw). Personally, I'd use that as an excuse to be like "oh, I'm so sorry, do you want me to step out of the wedding party?" Hopefully she says yes so that you can be spared any other ridiculousness over the next 8 months...

Seriously. Because trust us. This will NOT get better. This will get worse. Far worse.

doglover2014

Omg I love all of these memes, hahah! Ok I am VERY glad that I am not alone in this. There's another bridesmaid that feels the same way as I do but is too afraid to say anything. This girl is a good friend to me...but she has straight up told me that her and her husband-to-be do not have the rest of the funds for the wedding coming up (???? This confuses and yet concerns me....), so they are relying on the money raised from the Buck and Doe to pay for it. 

They constantly complain about how broke they are, but then why would they want to put their broke friends through this?? (I'm 25 and the oldest girl is 26, so we're all establishing ourselves still!!!)

Buck and Doe's are quite common where I live, so I'm not surprised I was asked to help. I don't mind helping run games and whatnot - but I'm not contributing a penny. 

Also her Mom is throwing her shower - inviting 110 people and it's going to cost $15/plate; so she wants each girl (there are 4) to pay for this, which works out to roughly $400/bridesmaid. Is this a normal thing? I feel like that's very pricey. 

Maybe I've just been out of the wedding stuff for a while! UGhhhhhhhh

AuroraRose41

doglover2014 said:

Omg I love all of these memes, hahah! Ok I am VERY glad that I am not alone in this. There's another bridesmaid that feels the same way as I do but is too afraid to say anything. This girl is a good friend to me...but she has straight up told me that her and her husband-to-be do not have the rest of the funds for the wedding coming up (???? This confuses and yet concerns me....), so they are relying on the money raised from the Buck and Doe to pay for it. 

They constantly complain about how broke they are, but then why would they want to put their broke friends through this?? (I'm 25 and the oldest girl is 26, so we're all establishing ourselves still!!!)

Buck and Doe's are quite common where I live, so I'm not surprised I was asked to help. I don't mind helping run games and whatnot - but I'm not contributing a penny. 

Also her Mom is throwing her shower - inviting 110 people and it's going to cost $15/plate; so she wants each girl (there are 4) to pay for this, which works out to roughly $400/bridesmaid. Is this a normal thing? I feel like that's very pricey. 

Maybe I've just been out of the wedding stuff for a while! UGhhhhhhhh

That is not a normal thing at all! I just dropped out as a bridesmaid for a girl who basically planned her own shower and did EXACTLY this. She is still including me in emails (probably because she is in denial) and just emailed everyone last night saying that all bridesmaids must attend an envelope stuffing in March for the bridal shower invitations, and pay $20 per person for the cost of the invitations. 

RUN. It will only get worse. 

redoryx

doglover2014 said:

Omg I love all of these memes, hahah! Ok I am VERY glad that I am not alone in this. There's another bridesmaid that feels the same way as I do but is too afraid to say anything. This girl is a good friend to me...but she has straight up told me that her and her husband-to-be do not have the rest of the funds for the wedding coming up (???? This confuses and yet concerns me....), so they are relying on the money raised from the Buck and Doe to pay for it. 

They constantly complain about how broke they are, but then why would they want to put their broke friends through this?? (I'm 25 and the oldest girl is 26, so we're all establishing ourselves still!!!)

Buck and Doe's are quite common where I live, so I'm not surprised I was asked to help. I don't mind helping run games and whatnot - but I'm not contributing a penny. 

Also her Mom is throwing her shower - inviting 110 people and it's going to cost $15/plate; so she wants each girl (there are 4) to pay for this, which works out to roughly $400/bridesmaid. Is this a normal thing? I feel like that's very pricey. 

Maybe I've just been out of the wedding stuff for a while! UGhhhhhhhh

So daughter is throwing a wedding she can't afford and wants her friends to subsidize it while her mom is throwing a shower she can't afford and wants the bridesmaids to subsidize it.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree it would seem.

flantastic

doglover2014 said:

Omg I love all of these memes, hahah! Ok I am VERY glad that I am not alone in this. There's another bridesmaid that feels the same way as I do but is too afraid to say anything. This girl is a good friend to me...but she has straight up told me that her and her husband-to-be do not have the rest of the funds for the wedding coming up (???? This confuses and yet concerns me....), so they are relying on the money raised from the Buck and Doe to pay for it. 

They constantly complain about how broke they are, but then why would they want to put their broke friends through this?? (I'm 25 and the oldest girl is 26, so we're all establishing ourselves still!!!)

Buck and Doe's are quite common where I live, so I'm not surprised I was asked to help. I don't mind helping run games and whatnot - but I'm not contributing a penny. 

Also her Mom is throwing her shower - inviting 110 people and it's going to cost $15/plate; so she wants each girl (there are 4) to pay for this, which works out to roughly $400/bridesmaid. Is this a normal thing? I feel like that's very pricey. 

Maybe I've just been out of the wedding stuff for a while! UGhhhhhhhh

"Sorry, but I will not be contributing to this party."

bb2016

If her mom is throwing her a shower then her mom is the one that should be paying for the shower. This is insane that people think they can just demand money from their friends and family because they asked them to be in the wedding party. 

LondonLisa

I think you and this other bridesmaid need to drop out of this wedding. Just say "I love you, but this financial commitment you are requiring is just too much. When I said yes, it was because you are my best friend and I could commit to purchasing 1 dress. However, it has grown to 400 here, 2000 there- it's just too much. I support you but as you know, none of us have this kind of money, so unfortunately I cannot be your bridesmaid. As much as I love you and this pains me, I simply do not have the funds to meet your expectations". I guarantee you that as soon as you do it, there will be a flood of deserters behind you. Ps- are all 110 bridal shower invitees invited to the wedding?! This might be the rudest family I have ever heard of.

climbingsingle

Holy shitballs. Run, girl. Get out of this wedding.

levioosa

NOPE NOPE NOPE.  You are not your friend's (or her mother's) ATM. 

All of this is tacky.  Save your money. 

The only people who are required to pay for your friend's wedding is her and her FI.  It's not your fault they can't plan appropriately.  You know the saying, "Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part?"  Well, they are terrible planners, and it's not your problem. 

You are not her wedding bitch.  You don't have to make her crafts, visit venues, pay for her parties, or do anything else other than buy the dress and show up on time, happy and sober for the wedding. 

Also, 110 person bridal shower is ridiculous and perhaps one of the most gift grabby things I have seen on here.  All of this together is just the biggest clusterfuck.

runsonveggies

I agree with all the other posters. Get out of that wedding party NOW! :-O

novella1186

LondonLisa said:

I think you and this other bridesmaid need to drop out of this wedding. Just say "I love you, but this financial commitment you are requiring is just too much. When I said yes, it was because you are my best friend and I could commit to purchasing 1 dress. However, it has grown to 400 here, 2000 there- it's just too much. I support you but as you know, none of us have this kind of money, so unfortunately I cannot be your bridesmaid. As much as I love you and this pains me, I simply do not have the funds to meet your expectations". I guarantee you that as soon as you do it, there will be a flood of deserters behind you. Ps- are all 110 bridal shower invitees invited to the wedding?! This might be the rudest family I have ever heard of.

This. Run.

db1984

I've got a hunch that if you speak up and tell her you're not contributing a single cent to her fundraiser or her shower, the rest of the bridesmaids will, too.  It sounds like she's used to getting her way because no one stands up to her.  If she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to pay for it herself.

And the person hosting/throwing the shower pays for that.

rcher912

How are other people planning parties and then telling you how much you owe them????

For parties that generally (GENERALLY) fall on the shoulders of the bridal party, THE BRIDAL PARTY PLANS THEM WITHIN THEIR OWN BUDGET. 

AND THEN THE BRIDE SAYS THANK YOU.

They don't get to tell you that you're spending $2k on alcohol or $400 for a shower! No!

No! No! No!

Maggie0829

doglover2014 said:

Omg I love all of these memes, hahah! Ok I am VERY glad that I am not alone in this. There's another bridesmaid that feels the same way as I do but is too afraid to say anything. This girl is a good friend to me...but she has straight up told me that her and her husband-to-be do not have the rest of the funds for the wedding coming up (???? This confuses and yet concerns me....), so they are relying on the money raised from the Buck and Doe to pay for it. 

They constantly complain about how broke they are, but then why would they want to put their broke friends through this?? (I'm 25 and the oldest girl is 26, so we're all establishing ourselves still!!!)

Buck and Doe's are quite common where I live, so I'm not surprised I was asked to help. I don't mind helping run games and whatnot - but I'm not contributing a penny. 

Also her Mom is throwing her shower - inviting 110 people and it's going to cost $15/plate; so she wants each girl (there are 4) to pay for this, which works out to roughly $400/bridesmaid. Is this a normal thing? I feel like that's very pricey. 

Maybe I've just been out of the wedding stuff for a while! UGhhhhhhhh

This is a mantra of mine at work... "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine."

So just because this couple is fucking stupid and planned a wedding they can't afford does not mean that you need to contribute to this rude ass fundraiser (common or not they are ridiculously rude).

And her Mother is just as crazy as this bride and her FI are.  So her Mom wants to throw her daughter a shower but isn't willing to foot the bill?  Instead she wants each BM to contribute $400?! That is insane.

I think you and the other BM need to speak up or drop out of this crazy ass mess.

climbingsingle

I couldn't post this last night, but it's still necessary. 

southernbelle0915

Exactly what @LondonLisa said. Drop out. 

And you owe the bride's mother nothing. She offered to throw a shower, she's responsible for hosting it. Period. If she can't afford the type of shower she wants to host, then she should downsize/downgrade. 

This wedding is a total shit show and gift grab that's really quite gross. Who ARE these people?

novella1186

It's totally not normal to force other people (bridesmaids included) to pay for showers. The bride's mom is being horribly rude and ridiculous. 

If I heard that the person hosting my shower told my bridesmaids they were required to shell out money for it, I would cancel that shower so fucking fast. That's not ok to do to your friends. 

Whether it's a wedding-related party or anything else, the person who wants to host is the ONLY personal responsible for paying. They host what they can afford. If they can't afford it, they planned it wrong. 

I'm sorry that the bride and her mom think it's ok to take advantage of you and the other BMs to such a ridiculous extent. You ladies should all put your foot down.

 Not your party, not your problem. 

jacobsmawedding15

Be very careful the rest of this wedding planning. I was going to be a bridesmaid once and then the bride and her maid of honor started demanding money from me like that. I was 20 at the time, saving for my own wedding because I knew I would be getting engaged soon, and still an undergrad working 15 hours a week. I absolutely did NOT have money to pay $17/head for the brides fancy shower she demanded. Long story short, I didn't end up being a bridesmaid at her wedding and I'm quite glad because it would have only gone downhill from there.

lalapalooza2222

This is so tacky I would be mortified, luckily we do not do this in my area.

Bubblegum5586

Keep us updated on what you plan to do! If you drop out I am dying to know the brides reaction!